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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS age 15 - are limits on daily smart phone time unreasonable?

114 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 27/09/2021 21:09

We have some parental limits on DC's phone - mostly around time he can spend on it each day. Goes off overnight 9pm - 8am. Daily limit of 30mins on various social media (snapshat, instagram, youtube etc) - that together add up to over 2 hrs /day. He thinks we are SOOOOOOO unreasonable to do this. What do other Mumsnetters think? For context, being on his phone is his default activity over homework, helping at home, sleep and any other other essential life activities. If the phone is on he is 'not with us'.

OP posts:
FeelingForced · 28/09/2021 06:29

I have limits on my DDs phone and she's fourteen now. She knows she's not very good at self regulating, so we discussed what would be fair and now the social media apps total up to around two hours a day. We use Google Family Link and the apps shut down once the time is up. WhatsApp use is unlimited but because she only uses that to talk to her friends on a group chat, it only gets used when they're all free at the same time every day.
Her phone locks down from 9.30 pm to 7 am everyday and her laptop and phone stay out of her room during those hours.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 28/09/2021 06:35

I don't limit screen time for my 14yo. It's up to her to make sensible decisions.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 28/09/2021 06:37

I think those limits would be completely appropriate for an 11 year old who had just started in y7.

By 15 though I would expect them to be able to self regulate better. My dds aged 16 and 13 don’t have limits. They manage to engage with life just fine. I’m a firm believer in letting kids self regulate, how are they supposed to learn to set their own limits if you’re so strict with the limits you impose on them? it just makes life an unnecessary battle, which isn’t even helpful at all in the long run.

HalzTangz · 28/09/2021 06:43

At 15 that is unreasonable. 2 hours isn't really that long a day.
What time do they go bed, the phone should be allowed on until they go sleep in my opinion

PeonyTime · 28/09/2021 06:45

Is it not better than he learns to regulate now, rather than binges when he leaves home, and having to deal with the implications on his own?

I think your evening curfew is early. I'd remove the 30 min blocks.
So, as a first step, phones off at 10pm and upto 2 hrs a day. He will burn through it by lunchtime initially.

All phones in this house are left downstairs overnight. I'm currently dressed and downstairs while typing this. We dont limit time tho (yet).

BigGreen · 28/09/2021 06:45

I can't find the thread right now but there was one here 'what do you regret about your parenting' and a good third of posts were regrets about not putting limits on smartphones.

My kids are only small but I did take note. These things can be toxic - there was a leak from Facebook about Instagram harming girls here]] so YANBU.

megletthesecond · 28/09/2021 06:46

Yanbu. My DS is almost 15 and his phone goes off at 9pm on a school night. He's utterly incapable of self regulation.

HelenaJustina · 28/09/2021 06:46

I do this with my 14yr old. I’m also vastly unreasonable according to them but meh. They are achieving their potential academically, their homework is always done and of good quality, they spend time at extra curricular activities. All phone are downstairs overnight. If it works for your family why not? Much easier to start tough and ease up, rather than have to crack down later on.

Mumski45 · 28/09/2021 06:53

I used to do this when they were younger with both DS1 and 2. They are 15 and 13 now. DS1 has learnt to self regulate and DS2 is getting there. They both get good grades and are willingly active in sports at school so I don't feel the need to control it any more.

They are both in a school 20miles away though so seeing friends outside school time is tricky and time consuming even without Covid restrictions so their phones are important for maintaining and developing relationships.

Mumski45 · 28/09/2021 06:55

Sorry I should add. DS1 still has limits set on his phone but that's at his own request and when he asks for extra time now and again I always give it.

Hydrate · 28/09/2021 07:08

YANBU about it being off between 9 pm to 8 am. I would allow a couple of hours after any responsibilities they have are taken care of.

HugeAckmansWife · 28/09/2021 07:16

I think using age as a blunt instrument is pointless. One 15 yo is vastly different to another. Some have lots of variety of interests, have developed self awareness around too much screen time and won't care if they are 'out of the loop'. Others won't be there yet and may never be. There are adults on here who admit to being addicted to their phones. OP if you judge that your son needs that help then fine. I teach teenagers. There's a lot of grief about what gets said on social media apps and chats at midnight. My eldest is 12 and wants insta. I've told him no until he can show me he is more able to be honest about various things and I'm convinced he understands how it can work. Other 12 y olds might be fine, but he's not.

Ikeameatballs · 28/09/2021 07:21

No limits for my dc, 11 and 15.

11 year old doesn’t use his much anyway. He prefers to play on his PS.

15 year old is on hers loads but I take it away overnight. She’s usually just chatting to friends, listening to music etc.

Both of them go to a phone free school and it is switched off then.

Both sometimes have all electronics removed for bad behaviour but that’s pretty extreme.

MegBusset · 28/09/2021 07:27

Mine are 12 and 14, our screen rules are:

  • Homework / chores before screens
  • No screens at mealtimes or when doing a family activity
  • At least one extracurricular sport each
  • No screens from approx 9pm (later on a weekend) until the morning

Outside of this we pretty much leave them to it. I would prefer they spend less time on screens but it's where all their socialising takes place and many of their friends have no limits at all.

reluctantbrit · 28/09/2021 07:46

DD's rule are that no electronics are kept upstairs in her room overnight. She brings everything down when she goes to bed, that can be up to 9.30pm. Otherwise the family rule is that no one uses mobiles during mealtimes unless a discussion asks for a check on some facts or to control music but we try to minimise it. I would say it happens 1-2x a week.

But - DD has a range of hobbies where the mobile is not on or not with her. Also, the school is trying to teach them to leave the mobile away from the desk when doing homework or revision. Difficult if you need the laptop then and YouTube is at your fingertips.

Wondergirl100 · 28/09/2021 07:50

OP - I don't think you are unreasonable to acknowledge that the majority of teens AND ADULTS are not able to properly control their use.

I spend far too much time on my phone - don't many adults?

The idea of a 15 yr old 'self regulating' seems far fetched to me. We are their parents and there to stop them doing things that are bad for them - to a certain extent and sadly we have to let go as they get older!

I think it is naive to think a 15 yr old will self regulate - how about you sit down in a calm moment and do a deal - you give him more time in exchange to an end for the complaining - you give him articles to read baout phone addiction and its impact on the brain (negative!) and make him engage in some discussion aroudn it.

uggmum · 28/09/2021 07:52

Yep totally unreasonable and draconian.

My dc are now 18 and 22

I never had limits. I would talk openly to my dc about usage and over usage. But ultimately left it for them to self regulate.

They are now mature adults, both at university. Productive members of society

So no harm done.

Wondergirl100 · 28/09/2021 07:53

I think people need to be serious about the idea of a teen 'learning to self regulate'. The reality is that probably the majority of adults are not properly self regulating their own tech so it's just not true that all teens will magically develop this gift if you let them.

While their brains are developing and they are so vulnerable in other ways I think you are just doing them a favour not letting them waste hours on it

By the way - the tech giants who invented this stuff absolutely don't let their kids use it. You can google that lots of articles - they design phones and apps to make you addicted, it is literally part of the way they are intended to function.

IWishIWasABaller · 28/09/2021 07:56

I allowed/ allow my teens to self regulate their phone usage. Of course at first they were glued to it but after a few days they only dipped in and out of it . Times have changed , I would have stayed up late secretly reading for hours nowadays they stay up on their phones. A few late nights and trying to crawl out of bed early for school ,they soon learned to switch off the phone and go to sleep. I do think you are being a little strict with such rigid time allowances but you know your child best

Bbq1 · 28/09/2021 07:59

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

We have some parental limits on DC's phone - mostly around time he can spend on it each day. Goes off overnight 9pm - 8am. Daily limit of 30mins on various social media (snapshat, instagram, youtube etc) - that together add up to over 2 hrs /day. He thinks we are SOOOOOOO unreasonable to do this. What do other Mumsnetters think? For context, being on his phone is his default activity over homework, helping at home, sleep and any other other essential life activities. If the phone is on he is 'not with us'.
Wow, you're treating your 15 yo like a 5 yo, Op. My ds has just turned 16 and has no limits. He's sensible and mature enough to self regulate, works hard, is out with friends a lot, has other interests and even spends time with us. All that will happen here is your ds will never learn to regulate himself and when finally allowed unrestricted access will be on using his phone constantly as you have made it the forbidden fruit
MilduraS · 28/09/2021 08:05

I'm terrible for always being on my phone so I'd be a bit hypocritical to set a limit on apps. The night time lockdown seems reasonable though. As a teenager I was terrible at regulating my bed time but as an adult I do because I struggle at work if I don't have enough sleep.

KangarooSally · 28/09/2021 08:11

@Kermitsolvestheclimate could you tell him you will increase his limits if he can show you he'll be responsible - if he doesn't manage to then you'll put the limits back and try again in 3 or 6 months.

To be responsible he would have to do the following:

  • not be late to school
  • do all homework and assignments
  • do all chores
  • listen to you when you speak to him not just mumble while continuing to look at his phone
  • not use all the screen time available to him every day (showing self control)

Plus anything else you can think of. You could say if he manages to do all of your list for some set number of weeks or months you'll increase the limit etc

A bit like when a child wants a later bedtime, you let them but with the proviso that they must be able to wake up on their own in the morning and ready for school on time, if they don't then that lets you know they need more sleep

MissCreeAnt · 28/09/2021 08:12

Have you actually asked him if he would like to set a limit? He might surprise you. Just because he doesn't "self-regulate" (and I am not sure everyone even can, let alone teens) doesn't necessarily mean he won't take help if it's offered, and presented as support not discipline.

Like @Mumski45 we give extra bits of time if needed. It's just giving them a little barrier so they pause and think, like putting the chocolate on a high shelf when you're dieting.

IsabelBeck · 28/09/2021 08:15

I think using age as a blunt instrument is pointless.

I agree. It's like 15 is the new 18 on this thread.

Some teens simply cannot self regulate at 13, 14, 15 (and beyond!) so they need some parental guidance as their young brains develop. Obviously you can't enforce this as they get older but that doesn't mean you should have no limits if they're letting homework and other things slide.

nosyupnorth · 28/09/2021 08:33

Limits are fine and reasonable but yours are NOT.

30 minutes per app per day isn't just not going to teach him about regulating his own time, it's going to actively discourage it! Such a highly restricted set up means he never has reason to think about his phone useage or make decisions, and pushes him to make the most of his allowances each day or lose out.

Setting a time limit and letting him choose how to use it will encourage him to think about what his priorities are and in doing something like chosing to talk on snapchat he is also making the choice not to watch a youtube video.

Also, consider a transferable allowance like 25 hours a week (with possible carry over so he doesn't feel a need to use up 100% of his remaining allowance every Sunday), which will let him make choices about how to manage his time - he can spend a whole day messing around on his phone if he likes but in doing so he's chosing to have less phone time left for the rest of the week. Or conversely, chosing to use his phone less one day creates the reward of having more phone time to use later in the week.