DS age 15 - are limits on daily smart phone time unreasonable?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We have some parental limits on DC's phone - mostly around time he can spend on it each day. Goes off overnight 9pm - 8am. Daily limit of 30mins on various social media (snapshat, instagram, youtube etc) - that together add up to over 2 hrs /day. He thinks we are SOOOOOOO unreasonable to do this. What do other Mumsnetters think? For context, being on his phone is his default activity over homework, helping at home, sleep and any other other essential life activities. If the phone is on he is 'not with us'.

I am not sure why so many parents think phones are so important and special and that children need unlimited acceas to learn to self regulate. Don't you limit/control other things? Like sweets, soft drinks, alcohol and crossing the road?

No, no limits, and they learned to regulate themselves. I discouraged alcohol, and the age limit to buy your own and be served in a bar or restaurant here is 21, but they were all off to university at 18.

If I wanted to limit sweets or soft drinks I wouldn't have bought them. I didn't in fact buy soft drinks regularly, and didn't model consumption of either soft drinks or sweets.

They had phones from the earliest time they were available (early 2000s) and watched as much TV as they wanted to, both in the sitting room and in their rooms. We had wii, various Play Stations and other platforms. I never got cable TV, but we had DVD players and lots of DVDs.

They also got to regulate their own social lives, with the condition that if their grades started slipping they would have to sit down and make a plan to ensure recovery. Kids learn to drive at 16 here, and if you haven't managed to transmit your values and priorities to them by then it's hard to do it after that, when their friends have cars and not all of their peers are as focused on getting into good universities as they are.

The same rule went for extra curricular activities - if the grades slipped or homework was being done at 3am regularly, then it was time to revisit the decision to do a sport or take part in the spring musical, or whatever.

Mathanxiety I did mention the aspergers in one of my early responses in this thread but not in the first post so fair enough, I was keeping first post brief.

YABU, you will have him excluded from his mates because you take his phone off him. He won't be in the loop with group chats, snapchat updates and the like. Maybe have "phone free times" such as dinner time, watching a movie with the family etc, and take it away before bed.

The details you supplied - obsessiveness, poor sleep (sleep support services involved), immaturity, lack of self control - were mentioned for the first time in your more recent post. All of that makes a big difference. Aspergers expresses itself in many different ways.

You may well find that your younger DC won't need the same level of watchfulness when he gets to 15.

Many millions of teens manage to do fine with unlimited phone access, even using phones as alarm clocks, for homework reminders - as tools to keep them on track in other words, and learn to manage time and allocate priorities.

YABU, you will have him excluded from his mates because you take his phone off him. He won't be in the loop with group chats, snapchat updates and the like.

It's not U if he's snapchatting and youtubing while there is homework or housework not done.

@Chickychoccyegg

I can't believe there's a 16 year old who gets locked out of their phone at 8.30!!! That is just so unreasonable it's unbelievable! I don't know op, I dont have restrictions on my dd15 phone, only rule is no phone at the dinner table, and we all sit and chat for a good hour/1.5 hours, she usually in the evening will facetime a friend, or be on a group chat, but she's never on it particularly late, she's always asleep by about 10.30, maybe see if there's a compromise somewhere?

Parents are parenting their kids it's refreshing. In silicone valley the makers of these apps do not allow their kids to have phones or social media

YABU. I've raised my DC in much the same way @mathanxiety describes - two of whom are now young adults - and agree there's absolutely no need to be so controlling and constantly setting limitations.

m.independent.ie/life/family/parenting/the-tech-moguls-who-invented-social-media-have-banned-their-children-from-it-37494367.html

If this doesn't make you think about the burden we are putting on kids with these phones. And no, they won't die if they miss something on Instagram or Snapchat

Mine never had set bedtimes, screen times, phone limits or anything like that, but I never needed to. Both were capable of self regulating and wanted to do well at school so prioritised their work.

I think it depends on the child really.

I have a 14 and 15 year old. There are no limits on their phones.

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

We have some parental limits on DC's phone - mostly around time he can spend on it each day. Goes off overnight 9pm - 8am. Daily limit of 30mins on various social media (snapshat, instagram, youtube etc) - that together add up to over 2 hrs /day. He thinks we are SOOOOOOO unreasonable to do this. What do other Mumsnetters think? For context, being on his phone is his default activity over homework, helping at home, sleep and any other other essential life activities. If the phone is on he is 'not with us'.

You are more than reasonable, sounds perfect for that age to me. Hold the line OP, they'll thank you in years to come.

YANBU. Keep doing what you’re doing.

@Sgtmajormummy

A parents’ seminar I went to through DC’s school asked the audience:

“What age would you be happy for your children to have access to unlimited porn? 12? 14? Because that’s what you’re giving them if they have no parental controls on phone use.”

And it’s not just porn…

This one will really stick in my head!

OP your later posts are saying he really does need help and he is not going to magically "self regulate" any more than I do when chocolate makes me fat. I do think it's important to try and build some buy-in, maybe give some concessions and opportunities for him to make sensible decisions and prove himself or, as PPs said, do more of the "WHEN you have done your homework THEN..." thing. But I know that can be difficult with autism - sometimes you need the fun thing first to calm down so you can do your homework.

I think having a more flexible total time rather than 30 mins here, 30 mins there might actually be less stressful for him to manage. My son goes through phases of doing different things, and opportunities to increase flexible thinking are often valuable for autistic children. You could also say Eg you can watch YouTube on the TV sometimes. This would take the pressure off him having to squeeze everything into his phone time, and also give you more opportunities to see what he's watching and be able to talk to him. I have watched a lot of Minecraft and pop commentary YouTube with my son. I can only stomach it for a little while :) But he loves being able to talk to me about redstone and his favourite artists. It's a way to reach him, and it's a good social skills practice thing negotiating what to watch next /when to turn it off. Plus it genuinely has given me more respect for what he is into.

It is hard to convince teens you are on their side sometimes.

Two boys here 15 and 10, eldest with ASD. No time limits except no phones at bedtime, both phones are removed at lights out until the morning.