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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest seating arrangements

111 replies

GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 19:16

BIL (DH’s brother) is getting married and DH is the best man.
BIL has told DH that he will be sitting at the top table, and that our baby and I will be sitting at a different table.
Also at the top table are bride’s parents, groom’s mother and father, but not groom’s step-mother.

I would have preferred DH to sit with me and the baby, and just go up to the top table for his speech (DH would prefer this too).
I also think it’s harsh that step-mum isn’t at the top table.

For context, we all get on well, we’re not going to say anything, just interested in what others think.

So, AIBU - wedding party sit at top table regardless of their families

AINBU - husbands and wives should be seated together.

OP posts:
Findahouse21 · 27/09/2021 19:18

I think it's the bride and groom's choice. I don't think it would be great to deat couples apart if 1 half wouldn't know anyone else, but that doesn't seem to tbe the case here

HungryHippo11 · 27/09/2021 19:18

Either way is normal, some people choose one way, some the other.

You're annoyed that he is sat at too table. Other people would be annoyed of he wasn't sat at top table because that's where best man is "supposed" to sit.

Has your DH asked if he could be sat with you? If that's what you would all prefer and you get on well why not just ask.

gogohm · 27/09/2021 19:19

Sorry the wedding party sits on the top table. Where there's step parents if the situation is amicable the best solution is the step parents sit on the table next to the top table along with the partner of the best man (you)

LadyLaSnack · 27/09/2021 19:20

It's normal (in my exp) to not sit next to your partner if partner is best man or maid of honour.

However I could imagine it might be tricky on your own with a baby.

PartyPotato · 27/09/2021 19:21

My husbands best man didn’t sit at the top table because I didn’t want his wife to sit there during dinner like Billy no mates. Their table was close to ours and everyone still had to face the front when he gave his speech so made no difference.

gailplattshairbrush · 27/09/2021 19:21

Totally normal to just have the wedding party at the top table. If they had to seat husbands, wives and kids up there together it would get ridiculous.

I don't think you should make a big deal over this.

LG93 · 27/09/2021 19:23

I think that's common. My husband was best man for his brother and they sat him at the top table and me with my other brother in law/family members. When we got married same brother was his best man and we asked SIL who she wanted to sit with on the other tables, she chose family cousins so that's where we put her 🤷 we did however ask my moh where she wanted to sit as she was there with her 2 children and she sat with them, which worked well as I swapped her with a bridesmaid who I put on the top table as she was single and didn't know many of the guests

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/09/2021 19:24

It sounds pretty normal to me!

We had SFIL because not doing so would cause ructions and FIL and MIL behaved like adults about it.

We had BIL but not PoisonousSIL, she sat with her family (who weren't actually invited but were the first to send an acceptance letter!!!).

Weddings throw up all sorts of oddities. You usually only have 2 choices: go with it or cause a fuss!

LtDansLegs · 27/09/2021 19:25

This has happened to me before! It's fairly important for speeches and photos that the best man is up there IMO, are you sat with the step mother?

I've got a very extended husband / step dad list on one side, and I'm only having my two actual parents on the table rather than partners as well. It's just what works for the table / venue!

BigRedDuck · 27/09/2021 19:26

I've been a to variety really. I was maid of honour at my best friend's wedding and was sat separately from DH. We didn't have a top table or indeed a seating plan at our wedding, we just pitched up where we could (I don't even think we ate together thinking about it!). My other best friend recently married and they just had a small table for two and all parents/step parents on one table. I was in the groomsparty all on one table and sat with DH .

Personally I think its up the couple and realistically you're only sitting down for a couple of hours on your own. And you have a child with you which IME always makes for a good conversation with potential strangers!

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 27/09/2021 19:26

I was matron of honour for my sister when my DD was 16 weeks. DP sat at another table with DD, and I sat on the top table. (My stepmother was also on a separate table to my Dad.) We swapped care of DD every hour or so.

I agree with previous posters, this isn’t one to make a fuss about, but agree that you and your DH should tag-team throughout the day if you don’t have any other support.

MissConductUS · 27/09/2021 19:26

We had BIL but not PoisonousSIL, she sat with her family (who weren't actually invited but were the first to send an acceptance letter!!!).

That must have been awkward! Did you wind up inviting them or did they just show up?

seaandsandcastles · 27/09/2021 19:27

YABU. Only the wedding party sits at the top table, otherwise it would be a bloody long table half of which were people with little to no special connection to the bride and groom.

Original poster
GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 19:27

@HungryHippo11

Either way is normal, some people choose one way, some the other. You're annoyed that he is sat at too table. Other people would be annoyed of he wasn't sat at top table because that's where best man is "supposed" to sit.

Has your DH asked if he could be sat with you? If that's what you would all prefer and you get on well why not just ask.

I’m not annoyed. I am a little apprehensive about trying to eat a meal and manage the baby who is a bit of a handful, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.

I’m genuinely interested if this is the norm. I went to a wedding recently where best man sat with his wife and young children.

DH didn’t feel he could ask - He said the seating arrangements sounded quite final when BIL told him.

OP posts:
PlonkyWillyWonky · 27/09/2021 19:28

YABU it's the normal/formal way that they have chosen
I've never been to a wedding where the best man hasn't sat at the top table

Original poster
GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 19:28

To clarify, I’m not suggesting that I’m promoted to the top table, I was suggesting DH was demoted to our table.
DH is not the kind of person that would perceive it as a snub.

OP posts:
Palavah · 27/09/2021 19:28

Yabu to think it's up to you to decide.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/09/2021 19:29

Perfectly normal

I always fail to see how a grown up can’t cop with one meal away from their partner! Not difficult to make polite conversation for an hour, especially with a baby.

seaandsandcastles · 27/09/2021 19:30

Your DH is part of the wedding party. Why shouldn’t he sit with the wedding party just because he happens to be married and have a kid? Confused

RosieGuacamosie · 27/09/2021 19:30

YABU, I’m sure you can manage for a couple of hours whilst your DH supports his brother on his special day.

Also why is it harsh the step mother is not at the top table? There will be limited spaces which will quite obviously be given to the parents Confused

EmoIsntDead · 27/09/2021 19:30

Of course the best man sits at the top table! It's only 1 meal OP, hardly a big deal?

Palavah · 27/09/2021 19:31

If you'd said 'I'm really daunted by the idea of having the baby by myself for one meal while DH is at another table, how can I handle this?' that's a bit different. But you're passing judgement about where the groom's stepmother sits too.

Original poster
GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 19:31

@GemmaRuby

To clarify, I’m not suggesting that I’m promoted to the top table, I was suggesting DH was demoted to our table. DH is not the kind of person that would perceive it as a snub.
And when I say suggesting, I mean suggesting in my own head! We’re not asking them to change the seating plan.
OP posts:
EmoIsntDead · 27/09/2021 19:31

And as for SM, that's up to the bride & groom, not your business.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/09/2021 19:32

@MissConductUS

We had BIL but not PoisonousSIL, she sat with her family (who weren't actually invited but were the first to send an acceptance letter!!!).

That must have been awkward! Did you wind up inviting them or did they just show up?

They were given a card. SILS mum met my parents once for about 5 minures as they were visiting and collecting the newly printed invitations.

The conversation went:

SILSDM: Oooh they are pretty. Do you have a spare, just as a memento

MYDM: Erm, yes, I suppose so. As a memento???!!!

A week later they had a letter accepting their lovely invitation to my wedding, "Such a lovely girl"

I still have the cards, 36 years later. And my DM has written "What happened?" on it.

The story is worse,. A few years latesr SILSDM introduced my husband to the priest that married her to BIL as "the brother she (SIL) should be marrying"

So, @GemmaRuby that's why I say weddings throw up all sorts of oddities. Mine ended up with other SILS GF threatening me with a broken glass and DHs cousins beating 3 shades out of each other - because there was no one else to fight.

I wouldn't do it again!!