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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding guest seating arrangements

111 replies

GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 19:16

BIL (DH’s brother) is getting married and DH is the best man.
BIL has told DH that he will be sitting at the top table, and that our baby and I will be sitting at a different table.
Also at the top table are bride’s parents, groom’s mother and father, but not groom’s step-mother.

I would have preferred DH to sit with me and the baby, and just go up to the top table for his speech (DH would prefer this too).
I also think it’s harsh that step-mum isn’t at the top table.

For context, we all get on well, we’re not going to say anything, just interested in what others think.

So, AIBU - wedding party sit at top table regardless of their families

AINBU - husbands and wives should be seated together.

OP posts:

RuthW · 27/09/2021 20:05

The seating arrangements are correct

fiadhflower · 27/09/2021 20:05

I think it’s fairly normal. Been to a couple of weddings where people from the wedding party were sitting with their partners but for the most part, bestman, bridesmaids etc have been on the top table away from partners.

I’ve been in your shoes - went to a wedding with a 3-month-old where my husband was bestman. He was busy pretty much all day so it was a fairly intense day for me (and him!) - he was gone from very early to help set up the venue, get ready etc and wasn’t back until we were asleep. Venue was such that it was impossible to get a pram into the reception/dining room, but I managed to use a small bouncer during the meal so that I could eat a bit with two hands. I also breastfed just before the service and managed to get her off to sleep for the actual wedding ceremony (in my arms), so at least no screaming baby for the important bits! I didn’t have any friends there nor my own family, but a young in-law did help me out a bit - ran back to our room for the bouncer etc to save me trying to carry it and the baby in heels across very bumpy ground. If anyone offers to help with jobs like that, do say yes. Same if anyone offers to get you a drink!

Although it was pretty intense for me, I am very glad my husband did such a lovely job as bestman. Hope it goes well for you all.

NailsNeedDoing · 27/09/2021 20:07

I agree that couples should usually sit together, but I think there’s an exception for the maid of honour/best man and parents who are separated at the top table. I can’t imagine many venues would have top tables big enough for some families to have all the possible couples seated comfortably.

Seating plans at weddings can be so complicated, and may have to take into account things you haven’t considered. It’s only a couple of hours, just go with it graciously.

Notonthestairs · 27/09/2021 20:09

Your marriage isn't being ignored - for a couple of hours your husband will sit on top table and you will be a few feet away with presumably friends of the family.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/09/2021 20:09

I much prefer to see a small top table and the rest of the wedding party spread out but what they have planned is normal. Who else is on your table?

2lsinllama · 27/09/2021 20:10

I sat on a separate table from my DH at both my step daughters’ weddings. He sat on the top table and I sat with my son and my in laws. I thought that was normal to be honest.

Wrenna · 27/09/2021 20:11

I’ve had this happen to me. Hated it but it’s their wedding.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 27/09/2021 20:13

You’re being very unreasonable and princessy. What you’re describing is quite normal, so you need to get over it

Lemonyfuckit · 27/09/2021 20:16

We just got married and had all partners of the wedding party at the top table as in each case the partners wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding and we figured it was just nicer for all of them to be sitting with their respective partners, but we had the luxury of being able to have a fairly large top table (well it was only about 11 people but there would have been room for a few more). I think in your case especially as you have a baby personally I think it would have been considerate to include you (and the SM) but not all couples think that way about their wedding, I think it's fairly standard to not have partners even if that's not how we did it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 27/09/2021 20:16

The top table is for the wedding party. That's how it works 🤷🏻‍♀️

Biscuits1 · 27/09/2021 20:16

In my opinion you have to have the best man at the top table as he is the main focus of the speeches. This situation will happen at most weddings if the best man is in a relationship. My DH best friend got married and he was a best man who sat at the top table. Me and DS sat on another table with other people. It's only for like an hour or so and he came over in between the meal checking in on us. You will be fine.

LakeShoreD · 27/09/2021 20:18

I am a little apprehensive about trying to eat a meal and manage the baby who is a bit of a handful, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Surely you must get that the bride and groom, now matter how much they love the LO, don’t want that at their table (top or otherwise) during their wedding meal. They’re not doing anything outside the norm. I’m sure they will seat you with people you know, not with a bunch of randoms. Then having had the baby through the meal you have a great excuse to hand them over to DH and enjoy the party!

MintyGreenDream · 27/09/2021 20:20

We put my parents and mil on the top table.They grinned and beared it then went and sat with other family/friends after the speeches.No biggy.

Wheelz46 · 27/09/2021 20:22

Weddings are tough for seating, pleasing all parties just seems impossible.

My SIL (grooms sister) was a bridesmaid for me and at the time of our wedding her children would have been 13 months and 3 months, of course, I thought it only natural that she would want to be seated with her husband and children so that's what I did. Well all hell broke lose, the MIL claimed we were pushing her out and as we were having a traditional wedding we should put her on the top table. We went with MIL wishes.

The day before the wedding when we had to hand the seating plan into the hotel, MIL had a strop because she was sat next to my dad and she wanted to sit next to her husband.

I was bloody fuming, me and my partner had a big falling out about it, my mum and dad had seen the final seating plan and my husband to be wanted to please his precious mother, honestly my blood was boiling!!! Tradition is for grooms mother to sit next to brides father, only wanted to keep tradition when it suited. Although we did get married, pleased to say non of them are apart of my life now, including the now ex husband 😄

On another note, I was a bridesmaid for a friend, didn't know any of the other wedding party or guests and she popped me on a table with my partner, which I was so grateful for.

I guess what I am trying to say is, it's so hard as a bride or groom to please everyone and the stress it can cause is just unimaginable. If I were you, as hard as it is, I would just go with the bride and grooms wishes without a word of rearranging the seating.

Chloemol · 27/09/2021 20:22

Sounds normal to me, that’s how traditionally it is

Perhaps you can sit on the same table as the step mother

It’s a few hours for one day, their wedding so it’s really not an issue

mum11970 · 27/09/2021 20:31

Seems like the usual seating arrangement in a traditional type of wedding to me. When my dsd got married her mum and dad sat on the top table as they were the parents of the bride. I sat on a different table with her siblings I’d had and her step dad sat on another table with her siblings her mum had had.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 28/09/2021 09:06

This is the traditional way of doing things. I was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding so was on the top table and DH and my DC age 5 and 2 at the time were seated elsewhere. DH managed fine and didn't need me to help at all. It's probably an hour max where it's all formal and you have to stay in your allotted seat and I'm sure there will be people around who will help with the baby if you are struggling to eat.

I took DD as a young baby to DH's cousin's wedding and did have to spend a bit of time outside during the meal while she settled down for a nap. It's just what you have to do with babies.

WomanStanleyWoman · 28/09/2021 09:54

That’s what I think. We didn’t have a top table at our wedding because we wanted couples to sit together. I find it strange that we’re there to celebrate a marriage but everyone else’s marriages are ignored.

Oh come on. Your marriage isn’t being ‘ignored’. It’s their wedding, not an abstract celebration of the institution of marriage in general. You will survive one meal apart. Presumably you do occasionally leave the house without him?

If you like your husband’s stepmother enough that you’re concerned about where she’s sitting, surely you’re close enough to ask her if she wouldn’t mind giving you a hand with the baby during the meal if necessary?

EmoIsntDead · 28/09/2021 19:04

I find it strange that we’re there to celebrate a marriage but everyone else’s marriages are ignored

I could not roll my eyes any harder if I tried for a million years 🙄

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/09/2021 19:10

I find it strange that we’re there to celebrate a marriage but everyone else’s marriages are ignored.
Not "a" marriage; their marriage. Not your marriage, not everyone in the audience's marriage - theirs.
Why are you struggling so hard with this fairly simple concept?

ANameChangeAgain · 28/09/2021 19:14

I join the chorus of YABU, but in a nice way as I understand your concern, particularly as its his family. Pretty much every formal wedding has wedding party only on the top table, with step parents heading up guest tables.
You'll enjoy the wedding much more if your baby wasn't there and you weren't stressed about causing disruption. Have you thought about asking the venue for a babysitter for the meal so that you can relax?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 28/09/2021 19:28

We sat our parents and grandparents at the top table for this very reason, both maid of honour and best man had young children and it seemed daft to separate them.

ImInStealthMode · 28/09/2021 19:39

The level of anger on this thread towards an innocent observation from the OP about a (outdated and fairly pointless tradition) is bizarre.

Some of you are acting like she's suggested dragging her own chair up to the top table and proceeding to change DC's nappy on the Bride's lap

Cop yourselves on. Just because something is 'tradition' doesn't mean it suits everyone or can't be questioned. A wedding still results in a marriage no matter where anyone sits, and surely that's the important bit?

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 19:40

It's fine. And SM is up to bride and groom.

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 19:41

I just had circular tables for everyone anyway. Didn't like the whole "top table" idea it felt like we were watching people eat.

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