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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
Franklyfrost · 27/09/2021 12:23

I’m female, sometimes I dress entirely in men’s clothes. My partner will compliment me if I’m wearing a dress so I know he prefers dresses. He never shames me for not wearing them. If my partner wanted to wear nail varnish, I wouldn’t consider it my business to allow it or not. Just like it’s not his business to allow me to wear trousers or not.

I do understand you might find it unattractive, but it feels like a symptom of a wider divide between you.

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 12:24

In answer to your question OP, its because you are equating a male wearing Male varnish with being gay. That's a homophobic stereotype. Educate yourself.

Nothing wrong with you wanting to be married to a straight man. But equating nail varnish wearing as effeminate and implying you think your hubby is gay sounds pretty homophobic and bigoted to me.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/09/2021 12:25

(Sorry, I just realised "give him some rope" was a dodgy metaphor in the context of someone who might be very closeted.)

astoundedgoat · 27/09/2021 12:25

Also, are you both very young? You mention conservative Christian families, and you have a very young child. Are you both 21 or something? Because that's also a big thing - huge difference between a man of 45 suddenly getting experimental after decades of Dad jeans and Gap t-shirts, and a young man who is basically the normal age for mixing up his appearance and finding out who he is etc.

MrsTesfaye · 27/09/2021 12:26

I'm with you OP! I'd hate it if my OH wanted to all of a sudden wear nail polish. I'd probably split up over it! Just like he would hate it if I decided I wanted to get a facial piercing or a buzz cut. Nothing wrong with having preferences!

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 12:26

@MurielSpriggs

Sorry OP you're being a monumental twat.
Another deeply unhelpful comment from a presumably unhappy poster.
inmyslippers · 27/09/2021 12:26

If I saw a man in nail polish I would assume he's fruity

HaggisBurger · 27/09/2021 12:26

@DrSbaitso

He's got the right to dress and adorn himself how he likes, you've got the right to find it unattractive.

I would be enormously turned off too.

This. I would find it unattractive in my bf. I just would. Though I have zero problem with men in general doing whatever they want makeup / clothing / nail adornment wise.

You say you’ve been having problems generally. It feels though that you are trying to find something to latch onto. Like you’d maybe like to discover he is secretly gay to give you “permission” to leave …
I know I was desperate to find something like an affair to leave my ex
Are any of your problems potentially related to intimacy / you feeling that he finds your attractive etc?

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 12:27

So are we really going to act like women are running after me. Who wear nail polish?

Unless your husband is a rock star, then I don’t see it. Rock stars are notoriously outrageous so yes they wear it. But I don’t think most women would be ok with their husband wearing nail polish. I personally would not like it either OP, so I get it.

And yes I also associate nail polish with being feminine. Unless you are a rock star.

But yes.. all the “cool girls” who are so cool with their man wear makeup and nail polish.. because it’s cool.

Whatever. Do you and let your husband wear it. Those of us that like masculinity .. unapologetically don’t have to high five a man and like it.

I find it hilarious that women now have to cheerlead any and everything non gender conforming or be labeled as being unreasonable.

Masculinity aka..things associated with men does not typically include painted nails..and men doing non feminine things is something a lot of women are attracted to. Many heterosexual women are attracted to men specifically for the fact that it is the exact opposite of femininity.

I get you OP. I wouldn’t be ok with my husband wearing makeup or nail polish. And if he is insisted I would pack his shit and he could go play dress up with a cool girl who will share her makeup.

But .. hey everyone do what you want and share your makeup and nail polish with your man if it doesn’t bother you.

It’s perfectly ok to like men who are gender conforming. If it’s ok to be into men who are gender non conforming, then it is also ok to want a man who is strictly masculine and does not enrage in stereotypically feminine things. Which painting ones nails is associated with women.. aka feminine.

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 12:27

Nothing suggests the OP is bigoted or homophobic for Christ’s sake,

Apart from equating nail varnish with being gay. That's blatant homophobia and plays into rigid stereotypes. Thought we were past all this stuff since.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/09/2021 12:27

Wouldn’t bother me, but my partners a creative who would look awesome with it on, lol. However is it really nail varnish that’s the problem (in which case YABU)? Or, is the real issue that you are worried nail varnish is actually the start of/a front for, something else? If the latter, you need to talk to your husband, and find out!

Zippy1510 · 27/09/2021 12:27

Christ wearing nail polish doesn’t suggest he’s gay. If he announced he liked cock then that would be a different matter. Maybe he wants to rebel from the apparently oppressive culture he’s been part of.

lifeturnsonadime · 27/09/2021 12:27

Isn't it up to a woman what she finds attractive in a man any more? If the OP doesn't find men who wear makeup attractive that doesn't make her a bigot.

DumplingsAndStew · 27/09/2021 12:28

@nailvarnishhubby

How is it homophobic for me not to want to be married to a gay man??

How many gay men do you know? How many of them wear nail polish?

Get a grip of yourself. What would you say if your partner started telling you what you can and can't wear?

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 12:29

And what's being christian got to do with it? I was born and raised as a catholic and I recognise homophobia when I see it.

CanICelebrate · 27/09/2021 12:29

Yabu.
It’s just nail varnish ffs

lawofdistraction · 27/09/2021 12:29

0/10

Cheesepuff1 · 27/09/2021 12:29

if nail varnish is what tips you over the edge to leave your partner, it would suggest there is a LOT more wrong with the rest of the relationship.

Derbee · 27/09/2021 12:29

How is it homophobic for me not to want to be married to a gay man???

Oh FFS grow up. Wearing nail varnish doesn’t make you gay.

DeepDown12 · 27/09/2021 12:30

I don't see this as black and white. While it is ok for him to do whatever he wants to his body, it is also ok for OP not to find it sexually attractive and express that view.

Personally, it would be an 'ick' moment for me too even though I wouldn't judge it. I just couldn't force myself to be attracted to something/someone I am not.

Aisforharlot · 27/09/2021 12:30

My exDH used to wear nail varnish and occasionally eyeliner. He was straight and cis.
I find your attitude a little sad, though of course you are entitled to your own preferences - you just aren't entitled to dictate what he does with his own body.

FaceForRadio1973 · 27/09/2021 12:30

If I read the opening post correctly, he is only painting his little finger.

Okay, it's a little unusual, but it certainly isn't a sign of homosexuality!

If I painted one nail, yes I would expect my other half to rip the shit out of me, but it would be in a good nature, and she certainly wouldn't expect me to run off with another man...

Similarly, I would be seriously pissed off if it were a crime to paint one nail, but okay to be covered in makeup.

Besides. Nobody goes near my eyes....

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 27/09/2021 12:30

If he works as an accountant, he might have to find a way to remind himself to remove the creativity reminder before he goes to the office.

If he works with more arty types, maybe it's okay.

But I'm not sure I'd like it. I wouldn't want my partner to have a big macho tattoo saying 'Be creative!' in gothic script on his forearm either.

WeAreTheWeirdosMister · 27/09/2021 12:30

This is so sad, he's creative and wants to show that side of himself off on a tiny part of himself to remind him to be creative.

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 12:31

@lifeturnsonadime

Isn't it up to a woman what she finds attractive in a man any more? If the OP doesn't find men who wear makeup attractive that doesn't make her a bigot.
No, op finding men in nail varnish doesnt make her a bigot. Implying her husband is in the closet does.

Would she feel ashamed if her daughter came out as gay when she grows up? She seems to be more about how she is perceived by her social circle than accepting people for who they are.