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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 27/09/2021 12:15

Seriously OP? Get a fucking grip. Men can wear nail varnish, it's becoming more and more common.
You're also being massively controlling. Hope he gets a chance to live the way he wants at some point.

Brefugee · 27/09/2021 12:16

We are on the edge trying to work things out. This is another issue but it's a red line for me.

Genuinely sorry to hear this OP, if you do come from a conservative Christian background of the type i imagine, separating from your DH will be a difficult step.

Have you thought about marriage councelling?

(and sorry if you think any of my posts, except where i have made it explicit, are at you personally. They are for the most part general questions to society.)

I do think talking to a neutral 3rd party might help both of you.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 27/09/2021 12:17

How is it homophobic for me not to want to be married to a gay man???

It's homophobic to think nail varnish = gay.

Maybe he's having a midlife crisis because his wife is so oppressive and policing?

LaBellina · 27/09/2021 12:18

Ignore the woks brigade trying to tell you how awful and bigoted you are OP.

You feel there’s something off otherwise you wouldn’t have started this thread. You’re having lots of other issues with him.
I think you need to think long and hard if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Nobody on MN can answer that for you but I think deep down inside of your mind, you already know what you want.

ShaneTheThird · 27/09/2021 12:18

He said it reminded him to be creative

Why has everyone glossed over this? Is he usually creative and has got into a slump?

There is nothing wrong with men wearing nail polish. There is nothing wrong with 38 year old men deciding they are comfortable and happy wearing nail polish.

There is everything wrong with the op telling him not to wear it.

Also pp is weird af for likening someone making a creative style choice to being the same as lacking personal hygiene.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/09/2021 12:18

@MrsRobbieHart

Honestly, and I’m as gender critical as they come, I don’t believe in boys toys and girls toys etc. But honestly OP, I think he’s testing the waters and you can expect an announcement at some point. And I think you probably know this and that’s why you’ve had the reaction you’ve had.
I agree with this; it's not about him having a fingernail painted, it's the whole performance of it. Reminding him to 'be creative'? Is it fuck!

Sadly you've engaged and enraged a lot of woke posters who just, like to be very, very woke. It's not about them and it doesn't matter what they or anybody else thinks actually. This is your husband and you have your reasons for posting. Listen to your gut.

And, if you need to post again, post on 'relationships' board, it's marginally better, certainly less irritating.

Do you have anybody in real life you could trust with your question?

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 12:19

@Blindleadingtheblind

You sound homophobic and bigoted as fuck. If I was your husband I'd be leaving you. Controlling much?
100mph comments like this are so unhelpful.

Nothing suggests the OP is bigoted or homophobic for Christ’s sake, just that she’s uncomfortable with her husband wearing nail varnish. Nowhere has she said no men should ever participate in anything decreed remotely feminine by society. Nowhere. Nor has she ‘forbidden’ him from doing it.

I am not remotely homophobic, transphobic, bigoted or any of the accusatory words being bandied around, but I would feel weird if my husband wanted to do this. It would be at odds with the man I know. I wouldn’t stop him but I couldn’t help how I felt. I know he wouldn’t love it if I chopped all my hair off. He wouldn’t say anything but I know he wouldn’t love it. Would you say that makes him bigoted?

I think a lot of people attacking the OP’s honestly are venting at genuine bigotry in wider society, and have found someone to jump on. But that doesn’t further anyone’s cause. And some of those jumping on her are simply pretending that they wouldn’t feel the same.

brittleheadgirl · 27/09/2021 12:19

@Peppermint81

Completely agree with you OP. I would find it incredibly weird (unless he was a goth or something)! Does he do anything else particularly effeminate?
Effeminate?! Jesus, did you arrive here via time travel from the 1950s?
ShaneTheThird · 27/09/2021 12:19

Also why not just get a divorce op? You are clearly unhappy with him in general.

Stuckhere2021 · 27/09/2021 12:20

This personally is a tricky one for me. Whilst I respect people's right to wear what they want/do what they want to their body etc, certain things would turn me off my husband in terms of sexual attractiveness - growing a long beard, having long hair/a mullet, face/neck tattoos/ a sleeve, ear spacers to name some. I would still love him but I probably wouldn't find him as attractive. Thinking about it, nail varnish would probably come into this category. And before anyone says it, I know there are things he wouldn't want me to wear/look like for the same reason.

So YANBU in feeling this way. But he is not BU in wanting to do it.

MurielSpriggs · 27/09/2021 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/09/2021 12:20

Thank goodness there's a few posters not wanting to put the boot in to the OP.

Luna2021 · 27/09/2021 12:20

Christ, you're being ridiculous. Does he have a go at you for wearing trousers?!

Poor guy.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 12:20

YABU, also get you with your homophobia.

You are being horribly controlling & amazingly shallow.
If you husband is able to deal with the "cultural" influences you mention while wearing nail polish, why can't you?

There doesn't seem to be much hope for you, if you are so bigoted that you view a bit of nail colour on a bloke as being "politically correct". Men have been varnishing their nails for over 5000 years, sometimes to denote the fact that they were warriors -
health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/nail-care/tips/colorful-history-nail-polish.htm

If you are genuinely this upset over a couple of centimeters of colour on your husband's hand that you are reconsidering the relationship, maybe you should do him a favour & let him go.

Cheesepuff1 · 27/09/2021 12:20

@nailvarnishhubby presumably there's significant other things going on in your relationship to suggest you may be married to a gay man. wearing nail varnish is certainly no indication of this and so maybe you are leaving out huge amounts of info such as him never having found you attractive, you don't have sex, and he's constantly off out late at night without you knowing where he's gone etc??

astoundedgoat · 27/09/2021 12:21

I was a goth for years and I've honestly never had a boyfriend who didn't routinely wear make up (eyeliner etc at least, although many wore full goth makeup) and nail varnish, so I think a tiny bit more detail is needed here -

when you say "my husband wears/wants to wear nail varnish" do you mean he painted his pinkie finger nail burgundy/black/navy or painted all ten nails soft pink?

Because if my husband cracked out the french mani/pedi, I'd be having some serious WTAF thoughts, because yes that WOULD be weird and out of keeping with what I have always understood about him.

If he was painting his baby finger nail black for normal wear, or even all his nails black for a gig or something, then I wouldn't be bothered.

There's a big difference between the two.

Flapjak · 27/09/2021 12:22

Just ignore some of these posts. Most people would have concerns if their partner started to do something unexpected after 15 years and if it was out of character. I think its reasonable to question why he is drawn to wearing nail polish all of a sudden as assume he is way past the usual age of teenage experimentation. Do you think there is other stuff going on that you have missed?

BigHeartyTruffle · 27/09/2021 12:22

My partner sometimes wears black nail varnish. He likes the way it looks. Nothing more, nothing less. It makes me happy and therefore it makes me happy. I think you are reading way too much into this. Let him express his creativity in this little way, and who gives a toss what anyone else thinks.

Also people saying this may indicate he is gay or trans - please get a grip. It is VERY depressing to hear this is where peoples’ minds jump to when a man expresses a “feminine” characteristic or choice.

BigHeartyTruffle · 27/09/2021 12:22

Makes him happy, that should read

sillysmiles · 27/09/2021 12:22

@deydododatdodontdeydo

How is it homophobic for me not to want to be married to a gay man???

It's homophobic to think nail varnish = gay.

Maybe he's having a midlife crisis because his wife is so oppressive and policing?

I don't for a second think that nail varnish is the problem here, more a concern over what it potentially represents in her DH and his inability to discuss it. I think it has triggered a gut reaction for the OP that is more to do with her future with her DH than being simply and solely about nail varnish.

I don't think any one on an internet forum can say if she is right or wrong in attributing weight to this nail varnish wearing. That is something only the couple can decide.

astoundedgoat · 27/09/2021 12:23

We are on the edge trying to work things out. This is another issue but it's a red line for me.

Is there more, relevant context here? Not wanting to have sex with you, gay porn etc?

I feel like there are some connecting pieces you've left out of the story.

pointythings · 27/09/2021 12:23

Given that you say your marriage is already in trouble and that your husband wants different things out of life, I think you should just split up. You sound dreadfully shallow and excessively conservative. He would be happier with someone who shared his values.

Jumpingintosummer · 27/09/2021 12:23

I am all for each to their own, I have a gay brother - his best friend is one of Canal streets best acts, and I cheer with immense pride.
However I wouldn’t have found it attractive in a life partner, I wouldn’t have married my husband if he painted his nails because I would never have found it attractive - in the same way I don’t find Speedo’s, mullets, facial tattoos, clogs, long facial hair etc attractive, that’s human nature!

I would want answers and if my marriage was on the line already I would demand them… but that’s me.

OhGiveUp · 27/09/2021 12:23

Well it was good enough for David Beckham.
It's when he goes full on Beckham and starts wearing your knickers that you start worrying.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/09/2021 12:23

He evaded answering as he has done in the past.

I was going to say YWBVU but that changes things a lot. The evasiveness is a concern. How did the question come up in the past?

We don't even know any men that wear nail varnish or cross dress.

Yes you do, you just don't know that they do it Grin

My point is he should let me know so we can separate and live our own lives. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone who secretly doesn't want me at all.

Then it might be a good idea to let him paint what he wants. If there is anything to worry about then by insisting he doesn't embarrass you in front of your friends etc you are setting yourself up for him to hide, lie and evade for 20 years, which is the opposite of what you want. It doesn't sound as if he is sudddenly going to admit it, not unless you give him space to "be himself" first. Give him some rope. See what happens.