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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 12:32

I don't for a second think that nail varnish is the problem here, more a concern over what it potentially represents in her DH and his inability to discuss it. I think it has triggered a gut reaction for the OP that is more to do with her future with her DH than being simply and solely about nail varnish.

I don't think any one on an internet forum can say if she is right or wrong in attributing weight to this nail varnish wearing. That is something only the couple can decide.

I think this is right. There’s a lot more to it. Unfortunately those aggressive posters with an axe to grind (rightly, but attacking one woman on a forum is not the way to further a cause) are the ones accusing her of being shallow, while themselves not stopping to think that there is clearly more to it.

DumplingsAndStew · 27/09/2021 12:32

This reply has been deleted

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Blueberry40 · 27/09/2021 12:32

YABU- it’s up to your DH what he wears and is really common to see men wearing nail varnish these days. Good for him for wanting a reminder to stay creative. If it’s so traumatic for you then leave and allow him to find someone more accepting.

Think about if it was reversed- would you accept him telling you to change out of a particular item of clothing because you had visitors coming and he was embarrassed by what you were wearing? Probably not because that would be toxic, controlling behaviour on his part.

ShaneTheThird · 27/09/2021 12:32

You would have a heart attack if you ever saw Hannibal helmurto. He was an accountant in Germany, then one day he said fuck it, painted his nails, got ear stretchers and a mowhawk and joined the circus as a sword swallower.

Battleoftheislands · 27/09/2021 12:33

YANBU, I wouldn't like my DH wearing nail varnish. I just wouldn't. Turn off for me but then I do really like manly, manly men. Skinny men with long hair (grungy/rockstar types) genuinely do nothing for me.

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 12:35

Would she feel ashamed if her daughter came out as gay when she grows up? She seems to be more about how she is perceived by her social circle than accepting people for who they are

@Blindleadingtheblind you’re making obtuse comments. There’s nothing to suggest that the OP would be ‘ashamed’ if one of her children was homosexual. That’s a very different situation to discovering that a man you’re in a committed sexual relationship is homosexual. Now, I happen to think based on what she has said, there’s much more to this than just nail varnish. But that this sudden change in her husband is causing concerns that she may already have had.

cardamomtea87 · 27/09/2021 12:35

Hello yes me, my husband is 100% head of our household and I don't find him to be effeminate at all. He used to sometimes paint his nails for fun and wouldn't take it off for a few days. Did I love it? Not really, but I also don't like when he shaves his beard off. We were in our 20s then and I don't think he would do it now but it wasn't really a big deal. I think if you just find it unattractive that's one thing but I don't think you should start attributing other meanings to it. Understand your worry about what family will think but if he shares your culture and isn't worried himself then I think that's his call.

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 12:35

Wearing nail polish is feminine. It has nothing to do with anything other than most women don’t want to be married to effeminate man. There are plenty of straight men who are effiminate and some women just don’t like that.

It’s always one lady here with her cape on to make sure she stands up for the boys right?

How dare us women want masculine men. And not wanting a man who wears nail polish is homophobic.

Take your cape off for a bit and maybe understand that no one is being homophobic.

irregularegular · 27/09/2021 12:35

You are being very unreasonable. Wearing nail varnish is doing no harm to anyone and the idea of trying to stop another adult from wearing it is ridiculous, and sending all sorts of wrong messages to your daughter (when she gets older) about personal freedoms, self-expression and gender roles.

FWIW I've noticed many of my male students wear nail varnish from time to time. Not a creative course. Not all LGBT.

Brefugee · 27/09/2021 12:36

I find it hilarious that women now have to cheerlead any and everything non gender conforming or be labeled as being unreasonable.

i don't think that's what is going on here. I think there are plenty of people saying it's fine for anyone to dress as they want - but that they personally don't find it attractive or acceptable. And it is fine to have that attitude. It is fine not to like something that a partner or friend starts doing , out of the blue, and for you to reconsider your relationship because of it.

If my DH suddenly voted for a far right party, or started painting his nails, or wanting to go to raves that would be extremely different to everything i have known him do/like over the last few decades, that i would definitely a) question it and b) tell him i didn't like it. And in the case of the voting it would probably end our relationship.

all of those things are fine (not the far right voting) as far as I'm concerned, i don't like them and don't enjoy them and wouldn't join in. But if my DH did something, suddenly, that was a deal-breaker for me, i hope I'd at least be as honest with myself as the OP and admit that i don't like it, no matter how that looks to anyone else.

I have also read enough about transwidows and partners having affairs to know that people's acceptance levels for some things varies greatly.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 27/09/2021 12:37

If you are reconsidering a long marriage just down to some nail polish then I think the writing is on the wall anyway, the nail varnish is the gloss on an already doomed situation.

If you really loved him and had a fulfilling, trusting and honest partnership, a bit of colour on some fingernails would be completely irrelevant, like my tattoos and undercut.

Just end it and you both can then move on to more worthwhile relationships.

RunningFromInsanity · 27/09/2021 12:37

I wouldn’t like my partner to wear nail varnish, and rightly or wrongly I would expect it to be the start of more things to come.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 12:37

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

You are not being ridiculous at all. He is from a culture that would make assumptions about his sexuality and this is a red flag. I was briefly married to a man who bought a shirt which, in those days, sent out a signal that he was gay. I was very uncomfortable with him wearing it, but didn't say anything. He left me after a few weeks fir a man.
A red flag for what?
dorothygaleandtoto · 27/09/2021 12:37

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'down with the times'. Nail varnish was popular with the New Romantics in the '70s, as far back as Babylonian warriors circa 3000BC and amongst Chinese dynasties to show rank and status. It may be out of your usual scope of reference, but I think you're projecting to expect others to be as repulsed as you are.
Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 12:37

@Getyourownback - I'm genuinely not picking up on 'there's more to it'. All I'm seeing is a guy who wants to paint his nails and his wife implying he is gay rather than just being 'well I dont particularly like it, but if it floats your boat then fill your boots'

Dogscanteatonions · 27/09/2021 12:38

My partner will on occasion wear nail polish, a bit of eye liner and often glitter etc if we're going to a club.

It was no impact on the way I feel about him and I couldn't give a toss what anyone thinks. He's happy. I'm happy. He's very comfortable with who he is. It certainly doesn't make him anything other than who he is

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 12:39

Thanks for all the replies. I'm struggling to reply but I've read them all.

Just to clarify

  • we aren't Christians our families are.
  • we aren't tories or super conservative. Neither are our families I meant in terms of old school values
  • are families are not British
  • we don't read the mail or the sun
  • I am not homophobic or transphobic but not particularly concerned about being welcoming to my husband if he is as he's had 14 years to tell me and I have a child with him
  • no other signs but I did question him about 7 years ago when he seemed to be going through a funny and phase and began dressing differently. It passed quickly and hasn't come up since
OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 27/09/2021 12:39

Well I wouldn’t like it either. DP started growing his nails longer after he gave up biting them. Made me feel queasy so I told him to keep them short. I’m probably unreasonable but long nails on a man is NOT sexy 🤢

cardamomtea87 · 27/09/2021 12:41

@cardamomtea87

Hello yes me, my husband is 100% head of our household and I don't find him to be effeminate at all. He used to sometimes paint his nails for fun and wouldn't take it off for a few days. Did I love it? Not really, but I also don't like when he shaves his beard off. We were in our 20s then and I don't think he would do it now but it wasn't really a big deal. I think if you just find it unattractive that's one thing but I don't think you should start attributing other meanings to it. Understand your worry about what family will think but if he shares your culture and isn't worried himself then I think that's his call.
I meant this in reply to OP saying she wanted to hear from someone with a different cultural background but forgot to do the quote thing.
tinierclanger · 27/09/2021 12:42

It’s not homophobic to not want to be married to a gay man, it’s homophobic to think nail varnish = effeminate = gay.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 12:42

He seems to want my blessing and I can only give him that if he isn't my husband anymore.

How Christian of you.

Good luck explaining to him & your conservative community how a tiny patch of colour on a little finger is more important than your marriage vows.

Ohwhatfunwehad · 27/09/2021 12:42

Yanbu to be a bit taken aback op.
It's quite unusual, especially if it's after 14 years and out if the blue.
I think the worst thing you can do is get upset with him about it though, perhaps talk to him and try and understand to allow him to express himself and hopefully alleviate any of your concerns too.
Work out if it's a big deal to him or not first.

BiBabbles · 27/09/2021 12:43

Your preferences are fine, it's not unreasonable to not like a partner who wears nail polish, but I can get his annoyance that you asked him not to do a small feminine thing because you find it unattractive and embarrassing, and then asked him to wear something that is arguably more feminine because...no one would see? Cause your daughter would like him to be all glittery? What if she liked to paint her father's nails? It is a bit inconsistent.

I get the concerns if he's refusing to talk about it - though the whole "you got something to tell me?" doesn't really help. Hard to tell tone from text, but every time I've had someone say that to me, it's been very hostile. Making it all about his sexuality or gender or a secret isn't helping open communication which requires us to put our assumptions to the side.

His first reason - reminding him to be creative, I've heard of that one before, I vaguely recall it going around in different areas a while ago. It's meant to be a very simple act of creativity when people feel stuck. Whether or not it's true for him, I can't say, but it's been out there.

Really, it sounds like this is just one of many things to work on.

Oh, and I'm from an American Evangelical background with very rigid sex roles, the kind that sends little girl toddlers to dance and similar to feminize if seen as not fitting the mold enough. It was a contributing factor to my gender dysphoria - from as early as I can recall, I was 'failing' at being a proper girl and being seen as female led to issues and pain. My time with clergy kin is why annoyingly the first thing that popped into my mind on reading this was Ephesians 5:22, the Paul-stick used against too many. I hate that that is still stuck in my head having heard it too often growing up.

thebabessavedme · 27/09/2021 12:44

I have never thought of Ozzy as being 'effeminate', or any rockers of his ilk for that matter, You know Kiss/Sabbath etc (perhaps I wont include Judas Priest in that list Grin) I have always equated it to them being creative and expressing themselves as they wish. Does a wearing jewellery also = effeminate?

HalzTangz · 27/09/2021 12:45

He is right, lots of men wear make up and nail varnish.

He was also right to say so I can wear make up but not varnish.

Could you not compromise, maybe let him wear it on his toes?