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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
LassFromHaweswater · 27/09/2021 21:26

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
I am and I think it's weird too.

Had a male friend at university who wore eyeliner. He was engaged to a lady at the time and is now happily married, so definitely not anything to do with sexual orientation. I still found it odd, and although it doesn doesn't matter really I can understand where you're coming from.

StellaCinnamon · 27/09/2021 21:27

Most over 35 men from conservative or pretty typical backgrounds don't, in the UK, wear nail varnish. You only have to look around your workplace or at the school gate to see this is true. So, the OP's husband is departing from the norm in wanting to do that, it doesn't make it wrong, as wearing nail varnish isn't wrong, but it does make it different and outside of the norm, and often those things do make us feel uncomfortable for all kinds of reasons, if only because people stare, or because the significance of his sudden desire to do this isn't clear

This is it for me, really.

I don’t much care if 22 year old men are wearing nail varnish. Or rock stars. Or toddlers. It can look great on the right man with the right image.

My 37 year old solicitor husband? Not so much. It would be so far removed from who he is that I’d assume he’d had a knock to the head.

StellaCinnamon · 27/09/2021 21:27

And no I wouldn’t find it remotely attractive on him.

Mum2jenny · 27/09/2021 21:28

Man painting his nails, not an issue surely. It’s no different from dying his hair. He just wants to look good.

Not my choice however, but it has to be his.

Your decision is can you live with his choice???

FirstTimeMommy2021 · 27/09/2021 21:31

@nailvarnishhubby if my husband suddenly took an interest in wanting to wear colourful nail varnish I'd also be like WTAF!?
It's weird and I'm really shocked at the amount of posters thinking YABU in your reaction 😳

rookiemere · 27/09/2021 21:32

Well quite @StellaCinnamon .

I find men wearing female clothing or makeup a real turn off and in fact it was one of the questions I asked DH if he had any interest in when we first started dating 18 years ago.

No issues if some men chose to do it and equally if some women are absolutely fine with that. I am aware that the concept of male and female clothing and nail polish itself is merely a construct. However it's a red line for me, so I wouldn't date or choose to marry a man who did want to dress as a woman or dabble in wearing make up.

OPs DH is entitled to wear nail polish, OP is entitled to find it a deal breaker.

Mum2jenny · 27/09/2021 21:35

rookiemere so you’d disapprove of a man wearing moisturiser?

snowspider · 27/09/2021 21:39

This is a very weird thread. I don't get the leap from nail polish on one nail to gay/closet etc etc. It does sound like the OP and her DH are needing to talk about keeping up appearances for other people and being themselves and how that might pan out. And if our identities were set in stone by age 38 the world would be a pretty dispiriting place.

rookiemere · 27/09/2021 21:39

@Mum2jenny that's a fairly obtuse remark as moisturiser is about the condition of the skin and there are both male and female ranges available- although I'd not object if DH used a female one. As it happens he doesn't wear moisturiser- perhaps he should.

1WildFlower · 27/09/2021 21:41

I would not like my husband to wear nail varnish either.

Mum2jenny · 27/09/2021 21:44

Nail varnish is not sold by sex as far as I know. Plenty of my dcs friends used it, both girls and boys, wasn’t an issue imo

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 27/09/2021 21:46

[quote rookiemere]@Mum2jenny that's a fairly obtuse remark as moisturiser is about the condition of the skin and there are both male and female ranges available- although I'd not object if DH used a female one. As it happens he doesn't wear moisturiser- perhaps he should.[/quote]
Moisturiser is for vanity, as is nail varnish. The only difference is people can't see it, so no need to feel embarrassed of the man you claim to love.

phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2021 21:50

I find men wearing female clothing or makeup a real turn off and in fact it was one of the questions I asked DH if he had any interest in when we first started dating 18 years ago.

Yet Op has no issue putting make-up on him for entertainment purposes with their 18 mo daughter who knows nothing of such things. No one has yet explained why OP doing this and him allowing her too is ok and not a red flag yet him choosing to paint one single nail is the gateway to being effeminate or possibly gay.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/09/2021 21:50

So if you wanted your hair short and he said you couldn't have it short and asked if you were secretly a lesbian, you would find that acceptable?

You need to grow up. This is sexist, controlling and actually, downright pathetic.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 27/09/2021 21:57

I've read OPs posts on this thread and a few pages

OP you are equating men wearing nail varnish with being trans, gay or bi sexual snd it isn't a sexuality thing. It really isn't , it's just nail varnish
My Friends DPs sometimes wear it (especially black green or blue for some reason) and we are middle aged!, so does my tough Rugby playing adult DS; and my teen DD's boyf and male mates at times - none of whom are trans. It's really not that unusual and strange to pick this out. I could understand more you feeling it's effeminate for your taste if he started wearing skirts or dresses (but then he might make those cool)- but nail varnish- no not really.

As many PPs have said, it's not up to you to dampen down choices your DH makes about his appearance for sake of visiting family lest the judge- let them! - on something so innocuous and it's kind of sad that you feel so thrown or uncomfortable with it. It's the 21st century!

LassFromHaweswater · 27/09/2021 21:58

I could understand a man or boy wearing black nail polish or eyeliner if they're into Goth culture. But other than that. It's quite unusual.

Not saying it's wrong but it is odd. I was raised v traditional though about gender roles. I do think there seems to be a double standard though. A girl or woman can wear trousers and short hair and nobody cares but a boy or man wants to wear make up or a dress?

HermioneKipper · 27/09/2021 22:07

@WhereIsMumHiding3

I've read OPs posts on this thread and a few pages

OP you are equating men wearing nail varnish with being trans, gay or bi sexual snd it isn't a sexuality thing. It really isn't , it's just nail varnish
My Friends DPs sometimes wear it (especially black green or blue for some reason) and we are middle aged!, so does my tough Rugby playing adult DS; and my teen DD's boyf and male mates at times - none of whom are trans. It's really not that unusual and strange to pick this out. I could understand more you feeling it's effeminate for your taste if he started wearing skirts or dresses (but then he might make those cool)- but nail varnish- no not really.

As many PPs have said, it's not up to you to dampen down choices your DH makes about his appearance for sake of visiting family lest the judge- let them! - on something so innocuous and it's kind of sad that you feel so thrown or uncomfortable with it. It's the 21st century!

I smell bullshit here. I have a lot of female friends and not one has ever mentioned or ever have I seen a single one of their partners/husbands or teen sons wear nail varnish.

If men want to wear nail varnish and are up front about it then that’s fine but it’s also fine for the OP not to be ok about husband who’ve never shown any interest in it before.

I didn’t sign up to a husband that wears nail varnish and I don’t know why people are pretending it’s not an effeminate thing to do. It is. It’s fine if you don’t mind an effeminate man but I do. It’s not something I find attractive. And that’s fine. No one can dictate what other people find attractive

StellaCinnamon · 27/09/2021 22:12

Yet Op has no issue putting make-up on him for entertainment purposes with their 18 mo daughter who knows nothing of such things. No one has yet explained why OP doing this and him allowing her too is ok and not a red flag yet him choosing to paint one single nail is the gateway to being effeminate or possibly gay

But…how can you possibly think this is remotely comparable? Hmm

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 27/09/2021 22:18

@StellaCinnamon

Yet Op has no issue putting make-up on him for entertainment purposes with their 18 mo daughter who knows nothing of such things. No one has yet explained why OP doing this and him allowing her too is ok and not a red flag yet him choosing to paint one single nail is the gateway to being effeminate or possibly gay

But…how can you possibly think this is remotely comparable? Hmm

So it's okay as long as it's all done under her control? She decides when he gets to do things like wear makeup and nail varnish?..

The fucking disgustingly sad thing is that if this was reversed, people would be foaming at the mouth about how controlling he was and how she needs to LTB and call women's aid. He's the one who needs to LTB.

StellaCinnamon · 27/09/2021 22:23

Because painting his face with make up is a game. Him choosing to paint his nails is not a game. It’s not the same thing. It’s not the same context.

I don’t think I know any men who wear nail polish as a fashion statement. I also dont know many dads who haven’t allowed their toddler to paint their face (or indeed their nails).

NeverRTFT · 27/09/2021 22:36

This isn't a case of unreasonableness. Either your DH has a side to him that you're uncomfortable with, or you're over sensitive and overreacting. I think you know which, deep down.

Rainbowsew · 27/09/2021 22:43

YABU

GeidiPrimes · 27/09/2021 22:44

[quote GemmaRuby]@nailvarnishhubby I’d feel weird about the nail varnish too, and it sounds like you have a gut feeling that it’s possibly part of something bigger.

What were the outfits that he wore previously that you were uncomfortable with?[/quote]
What were the outfits that he wore previously that you were uncomfortable with?

I was wondering just the same myself. Because just one fingernail painted isn't even what I'd call effeminate.

RedLipClass · 27/09/2021 22:46

I feel sorry for your husband. Wearing nail polish is not an indicator of your sexuality or gender identity (if you believe in gender identities). Lots of men in the public eye have worn/wear nail polish and aren't gay/trans. Harry Styles, Brad Pitt, Jared Letto and Johnny Depp to name a few.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 27/09/2021 22:48

Hermoinekeeper
I smell bullshit here. I have a lot of female friends and not one has ever mentioned or ever have I seen a single one of their partners/husbands or teen sons wear nail varnish.

Aren't you a delight?! (sarcasm)

You do realise there's a range of people different to you out there, outside your little world?! It's very worrying how insular and narrow lives some people lead that they cannot imagine if "Doris their friends husbands cousin doesn't do it then nobody can?! "
Baffling to see such ignorance on display