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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2021 16:48

it’s ok that the OP doesn’t like it as it’s never been on the table before/part of his personality

Was him wearing make-up for her and their daughter’s entertainment a part of his personality? I agree that is ok for her not to like it but the “fear” of him turning effeminate by painting one single nail when she didn’t mind putting make-up on him with their daughter who is not even old enough to even comprehend what she is doing is odd imo. He chose to let them do it and that didn’t raise any flags but him choosing on his own to paint a single finger nail raises it to the point she fears he may be in the closet is again odd.

Heartofglass12345 · 27/09/2021 16:53

Wow what a complete over reaction

Mischance · 27/09/2021 16:56

I am deeply un-politically-correct - but this would not bother me.

There is a brilliant book by Grayson Perry who talks about how we need to relax the stereotypes and give men the chance to wear what they want (he does!). He is not gay or trans. His wife does not have a problem with who he is.

scarpa · 27/09/2021 17:00

@DonkeySkin

Maybe I just know a wildly unusual group of people but I've never seen a man I know with nail polish on (doesn't happen often, granted - but they are largely a group of now-grown-up-goths and it's certainly happened occasionally!) and thought, ooh, Steve's off down the paraphilia route. In fact, in none of the cases of men I know wearing nail polish was it this - it was all 'I like nail polish, thought it looked nice'.

I hear what you are saying. I know men do sometimes like to mess about with nail polish for whatever reason (artistry, boredom, fun) that has nothing to do with sex.

It's just the fact that (according to the OP) it seems like out-of-character behaviour for her husband and he seems quite serious about it. You'd think if it was about self-expression then his approach would be more casual or playful. But who knows. Only time will tell if this is really about OP's husband reminding himself to be more creative, or about something else.

That's fair - there could definitely be more to it.

I assumed his seriousness/the comment about the makeup was an (understandable) reaction to the way she's treated this whole thing - he did one fingernail, told her it was about reminding him to stay creative, and she went full 'please don't embarrass me in public lest anyone think my husband is being - god forbid - a bit feminine' and told him she associated it with him one day revealing he's secretly gay.

So when it came to the playing with makeup with DD, he realised what he saw as a double standard and made a snarky comment. I would also probably get a bit mulish and annoyed in that circumstance, I reckon. Especially if - as we've seen from this thread - there is still clearly a lot of feelings about being perceived as something we're not, and he hadn't thought along those lines at all, and then OP suggested the 'you'll look gay' so he got defensive because he didn't like that.

As you say though - time will tell, my reading of it is very different to other posters' and it's so hard to pick up on context from a few posts online!

slightlysnippy · 27/09/2021 17:03

Wearing nail varnish on one finger while working from home seems like a very minor change of appearance, which on its own would not bother me at all. this view is shared by most of the respondents on this thread.

But you've made a couple of comments related to if your husband is trans/gay wish he would tell me so I can leave him, which suggests the nail varnish is not the only red flag that's concerning you,

So if just the nail varnish your BU.

Constellationstation · 27/09/2021 17:07

Is it possible it’s anything to do with this?

polishedman.com/

flippertyop · 27/09/2021 17:09

I love black nail polish on a bloke ditto eye liner. Not sure if they wanted pink I would be quite so enamoured though

Cagedbirdsinging · 27/09/2021 17:23

Grayson Perry speaks quite openly about becoming sexually aroused whilst wearing clothes that are considered in this (uk) society and culture to be women's clothes , i.e. clothing designed and manufactured to fit and protect a woman's body and to accommodate her bodily functions .
G pErry has autogynephilia . Having read the heartbreaking accounts and testimonies of transwidows it would seem that many of their men started small but slowly , and almost imperceptibly , their clothing choices and behaviours encroached upon and disrupted the relationship .
OP's intuition is sending her signals ; she is wise to pay attention .

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 17:24

[quote Constellationstation]Is it possible it’s anything to do with this?

polishedman.com/[/quote]
This is super cool but no. Nothing to do with this.

P.S I would 100% support him doing it for a cause that meant something/helped children

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 27/09/2021 17:30

OP, you've said that you and your DH have had other problems, you've said that if he tells you he's gay you will separate. Is it possible that you wouldn't mind at all if he were gay ?

JayDot500 · 27/09/2021 17:35

The major red flag is him not being free, or confident, enough to discuss his sexuality with you.

My DH is Catholic and looks damn good in a pink shirt. Him painting his nails would raise an eyebrow as it'd be out of character. If I then went on to ask him what was behind it, he probably would suss what I was getting at and then shut it down because surely most of us can have a conversation with our spouse about our sexuality without being evasive. The evasiveness is really the problem here and I hope you get closure OP.

Maybebaby8 · 27/09/2021 17:50

My partner will sometimes paint his nails in black or a grey, i literally don't care, he's walked around with pink and purple nails where my daugher has painted them. I can assure you he is the straightest most masculine man. And i would never dictate to him what he can or can't do

MissCruellaDeVil · 27/09/2021 18:49

Your poor partner. You sound controlling

NameChange2PostThis · 27/09/2021 20:14

@Mischance

I am deeply un-politically-correct - but this would not bother me.

There is a brilliant book by Grayson Perry who talks about how we need to relax the stereotypes and give men the chance to wear what they want (he does!). He is not gay or trans. His wife does not have a problem with who he is.

But why must OP relax the stereotypes? If you’re cool with it, that’s great for you. But if OP isn’t, she doesn’t have to become your social experiment. She doesn’t find her DH attractive with nail polish. She has hinted that this is part of a larger picture of him wanting to push the boundaries of wearing feminine clothing. Her boundaries, not yours. She wants him to be honest so she knows if her marriage has a future because she doesn’t want to be married to a Grayson Perry - and that’s her right.

Seriously, MN, all these Uber cool responses and yet so many of you seem to forget that this is OPs marriage- she can break up with him for any reason she likes - she doesn’t need your permission. And if nail polish gives her the ick, it’s completely reasonable to tell her DH and to ditch him if he carries on.

Blessex · 27/09/2021 20:25

@NameChange2PostThis hear hear. It’s amazing the INTOLERANCE on here to other people’s views

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 20:44

Absolutely - especially as the OP has said that he would absolutely have a problem If she shaved off her hair, or started wearing masculine clothing!

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 27/09/2021 20:52

My DH wears nail varnish. He wears other makeup too, occasionally. We've also got a cracking shared faux fur coat collection. Like fuck is he gay or trans.

This thread is nuts.

headintheproverbial · 27/09/2021 20:55

I'd be mortified too OP. It would worry me that something else was going on. I've heard enough about the gaslighting that trans widows suffer to be cautious.

You probably have to have a sit down talk with him.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 27/09/2021 21:09

she can break up with him for any reason she likes

Of course, anyone is allowed to break up with anyone at any point and for any reason.
And others can think you're an absolute twat for breaking up a marriage because your spouse has decided they love wearing bright yellow chinos every day, or in this case, have one little painted nail.

Not that there's a problem if he wanted all 20 nails painted either. It's a bit of colour. It's only "feminine" because people decided so, and it's ridiculous.

Brokeandtired3 · 27/09/2021 21:09

@GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr you seem to be missing the point though. You are aware your dp does these things and most likely used to them
For op this is completely out of character for her dh after a long term marriage, which has most likely thrown her off guard and raised an eyebrow.

TolkiensFallow · 27/09/2021 21:13

Actually I wouldn’t be attracted to it at all.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 27/09/2021 21:16

My husband went through a stage of wearing nail varnish on his toes. It was mainly because our daughter liked painting them for him and he left them on until she either did it again or they grew out.

Namenic · 27/09/2021 21:22

OP - my sympathies. It’s not certain one way or another - and I completely understand that you want answers to a number of things that have triggered suspicions over the years (eg change of style a few years ago, evasiveness, nail polish). I hope you can find a way to communicate with him and try to get him to understand that if there is something else going on - He owes it to you to be honest. It may be difficult at first, but if he did have something he is hiding, you would both be much happier if it was out in the open. Maybe it is just a bit of nail polish and nothing more, but he needs to honestly tell you and not be evasive. Could counselling (individual and couple) help?

LizzieW1969 · 27/09/2021 21:23

Admittedly, I would be unimpressed if my DH started wearing nail varnish (as well as bemused in his case). So I get the OP on that one. That part isn’t about judgement.

However, her thinking her DH likes wearing nail polish is a sign he might be gay does sound homophobic.

GoldFrankensteinAndGrrr · 27/09/2021 21:25

@Brokeandtired3 every possibility he's always fancied wearing it but has only now plucked up the courage. OP says there's a cultural stigma attached, after all.

It's all the 'he's gay or trans' stuff from PPs that's bonkers. It's a bit if nail varnish ffs.