Page 20 | To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

forestlovr · 27/09/2021 16:05

@Comedycook

Yeah she because sounds ridiculous

No she doesn't. She doesn't have to pretend to be a "cool wife". She's entitled to feel how she feels. Her dh can wear what he wants but she doesn't have to be happy with it

No she's being dramatic. He wore nail polish on a one single finger, didn't get a full acrylic manicure ffs

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 16:07

@Comedycook

Yeah she because sounds ridiculous

No she doesn't. She doesn't have to pretend to be a "cool wife". She's entitled to feel how she feels. Her dh can wear what he wants but she doesn't have to be happy with it

But there's a big difference between 'Hold off on the nail varnish because I really don't find it attractive' and 'Wearing nail varnish on one finger MEANS YOU ARE GAY OR TRANS AND I HAVE BEEN YOUR CLOSET FOR DECADES AND YOU ARE HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE WORLD!!!'

deydododatdodontdeydo · 27/09/2021 16:07

I was intrigued about this, as none of the men I know who wear nail varnish are gay, and in fact none of the gay men I know wear nail varnish at all

This is my experience too.

Johnbowlby · 27/09/2021 16:14

I'd find it a turn off and think it was the tip of the ice-berg, but I understand that some women would be fine with it - and that's all good. However the OP isn't fine with it

Pikamoo · 27/09/2021 16:16

YANBU, I'd find this really weird. I wouldn't be embarrassed by it as such but I'd be quite wtf.

phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2021 16:18

No she doesn't. She doesn't have to pretend to be a "cool wife". She's entitled to feel how she feels. Her dh can wear what he wants but she doesn't have to be happy with it.*

Knew the cool wife nonsense would come out eventually. Many who disagree with her are not saying she is wrong to not like it. Nothing wrong with that, it’s the way she is going on about it.

Pikamoo · 27/09/2021 16:18

Having said that DH would probably be just as wtf if I started wearing nail polish (actually I know that he doesn't like it). Thinking about it I don't know anyone in real life male, female, gay or straight who wears nail polish!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/09/2021 16:18

Agree. There's no need for people to be such utter twats to her.
All these people advocating total acceptance might like to exercise some towards the OP - it's her husband after all, not theirs.

DonkeySkin · 27/09/2021 16:20

having one painted fingernail. Removeable paint. On one very small part of his body. Hardly the marital crime of the century, is it?

No, it's not, but it might* be an indication that OP's husband has a cross-dressing paraphilia.

As I stated in my earlier post, heterosexual men wanting to wear high heels/makeup is not comparable to women wanting to wear short hair/trousers, because the former is usually rooted in a sexual fetish. It's also not comparable to gay men in drag, rock stars and goths in eyeliner, etc, because those are all primarily about creative expression, not sexual kicks.

*I said might. No one can tell what's going on with OP's husband, but if this is a paraphilia, then it won't stop with nail polish.

purpleneon · 27/09/2021 16:21

@nailvarnishhubby

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

I'd feel uncomfortable too, especially if it isn't part of his "look". Like lots of grungy, rockstar, gosh or emo looking guys might wear nail varnish and even eyeliner, but I feel it's very much a fashion statement and typically younger men. If he doesn't fall into that category, I agree it's the type of thing friends WOULD gossip about if they noticed as it's like Bruce Jenner who gradually started looking more effeminate & I'd find it a bit embarrassing

scarpa · 27/09/2021 16:21

@Comedycook

Yeah she because sounds ridiculous

No she doesn't. She doesn't have to pretend to be a "cool wife". She's entitled to feel how she feels. Her dh can wear what he wants but she doesn't have to be happy with it

Ah the cool wife argument rears its head again.

Have you ever considered that some people just... wouldn't be arsed? That they weren't secretly fretting away about it while pretending to be The Cool Wife for patriarchy-points, and they actually just would be fine with it?

My husband wears nail varnish occasionally. I could not give less of a shit. Not because I am desperate to be cool or woke or whatever nonsense - just because I just don't care.

She doesn't have to be happy about it (although I'd argue jumping from 'I'm not keen' to 'EFFEMINATE AND GAY AND EMBARASSING' is a problem rather than a preference) but let's not argue that everyone who said they were was trying to be the world's most fucking annoying phrase, 'a cool wife'.

sillysmiles · 27/09/2021 16:25

@Babyiskickingmyribs

OP isn’t worried about her H possibly being a closeted gay man or transwoman because she thinks there is something wrong with being gay or trans. She is worried that she IS the closet. She’s embarrassed by the idea that she has been used as a cover story. Presumably if her husband told her he was gay or trans she would want to break up with him and work on their relationship as co parents and maybe platonic friends while being free to look for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a person who fits her sexual preferences and who is actually attracted to her. OP I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. And she’s clearly been worried about this before and the nail varnish is just bringing those worries to the surface again.

^ This.

Her husband can do/be what he wants but it isn't fair to delude or lie to the OP. By not having clear conversations about this he is lying to her.

doadeer · 27/09/2021 16:25

God this is so controlling. Who cares let me do what he wants with his body!

Alonelonelyloner · 27/09/2021 16:26

YANBU. For this to suddenly be a think it would raise my hackles so to speak, but then again, I am a Trans Widow - a definite AGP, so I am just hyper aware.

You have every right to feel the way you do and people being an ass with the OP are being as nasty as they think she is being, by just expressing her feelings. Well done!

Alonelonelyloner · 27/09/2021 16:26

thing not think!!! good grief

scarpa · 27/09/2021 16:27

@DonkeySkin

having one painted fingernail. Removeable paint. On one very small part of his body. Hardly the marital crime of the century, is it?

No, it's not, but it might* be an indication that OP's husband has a cross-dressing paraphilia.

As I stated in my earlier post, heterosexual men wanting to wear high heels/makeup is not comparable to women wanting to wear short hair/trousers, because the former is usually rooted in a sexual fetish. It's also not comparable to gay men in drag, rock stars and goths in eyeliner, etc, because those are all primarily about creative expression, not sexual kicks.

*I said might. No one can tell what's going on with OP's husband, but if this is a paraphilia, then it won't stop with nail polish.

I see your point - there are certainly things that could (/be more likely to) indicate a sexual element. Him wearing traditionally feminine underwear, for example, I can totally see the need for a chat about whether that's something that needs discussing.

But it's nail polish. Surely it's directly related to e.g. goths in eyeliner, as in done for self expression? It wouldn't occur to me to see it in even the same ballpark as cross-dressing.

Maybe I just know a wildly unusual group of people but I've never seen a man I know with nail polish on (doesn't happen often, granted - but they are largely a group of now-grown-up-goths and it's certainly happened occasionally!) and thought, ooh, Steve's off down the paraphilia route. In fact, in none of the cases of men I know wearing nail polish was it this - it was all 'I like nail polish, thought it looked nice'.

Comedycook · 27/09/2021 16:30

Have you ever considered that some people just... wouldn't be arsed

Course...but she is bothered.

Some women wouldn't care if their DH played guitar at a house party. I'd walk out the door if mine did that!

VitalsStable · 27/09/2021 16:31

Jesus no. I couldn't find DH attractive if he started wearing nail polish. I'm with you OP. I'd feel like I was being groped by Effie Izzard.

TrampolineForMrKite · 27/09/2021 16:31

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phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2021 16:33

As I stated in my earlier post, heterosexual men wanting to wear high heels/makeup is not comparable to women wanting to wear short hair/trousers, because the former is usually rooted in a sexual fetish.

So why is OP putting make-up on her husband ok but him painting one single nail a problem?

HermioneKipper · 27/09/2021 16:36

@phoenixrosehere

As I stated in my earlier post, heterosexual men wanting to wear high heels/makeup is not comparable to women wanting to wear short hair/trousers, because the former is usually rooted in a sexual fetish.

So why is OP putting make-up on her husband ok but him painting one single nail a problem?

Because if her daughter is putting face paint on him or painting his nails for fun then that’s one thing but wanting to wear nail varnish in his own time later is out of the ordinary for him and it’s ok that the OP doesn’t like it as it’s never been on the table before/part of his personality

Mydogmylife · 27/09/2021 16:38

@Babyiskickingmyribs

OP isn’t worried about her H possibly being a closeted gay man or transwoman because she thinks there is something wrong with being gay or trans. She is worried that she IS the closet. She’s embarrassed by the idea that she has been used as a cover story. Presumably if her husband told her he was gay or trans she would want to break up with him and work on their relationship as co parents and maybe platonic friends while being free to look for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a person who fits her sexual preferences and who is actually attracted to her. OP I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. And she’s clearly been worried about this before and the nail varnish is just bringing those worries to the surface again.

This seems on point

forestlovr · 27/09/2021 16:43

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DonkeySkin · 27/09/2021 16:46

Maybe I just know a wildly unusual group of people but I've never seen a man I know with nail polish on (doesn't happen often, granted - but they are largely a group of now-grown-up-goths and it's certainly happened occasionally!) and thought, ooh, Steve's off down the paraphilia route. In fact, in none of the cases of men I know wearing nail polish was it this - it was all 'I like nail polish, thought it looked nice'.

I hear what you are saying. I know men do sometimes like to mess about with nail polish for whatever reason (artistry, boredom, fun) that has nothing to do with sex.

It's just the fact that (according to the OP) it seems like out-of-character behaviour for her husband and he seems quite serious about it. You'd think if it was about self-expression then his approach would be more casual or playful. But who knows. Only time will tell if this is really about OP's husband reminding himself to be more creative, or about something else.

GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 16:46

@nailvarnishhubby I’d feel weird about the nail varnish too, and it sounds like you have a gut feeling that it’s possibly part of something bigger.

What were the outfits that he wore previously that you were uncomfortable with?