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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
ohihateithere · 27/09/2021 15:16

I'm sorry I'd have to agree with OP I'd be a bit lost if OH started wearing nail varnish.

I'm finding it odd how everyone is acting like it's the norm for their hubby's to start wearing nail varnish.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 15:17

Just want to say thanks for all the posters who've taken time out to reply helpfully. I didn't articulate my post well I wrote it within 1 minute of it happening and my daughter was jumping all over me and my husband was asking what I was doing why I was suddenly so intent on my phone. I was so surprised I just didn't know how to react. I've not explained myself well and in other cases some people just want to have a go. I don't think Everyman who wears nail varnish is gay. I just find it odd that my husband is suddenly doing it

OP posts:
dummyd · 27/09/2021 15:17

@Rangoon

I wouldn't like my husband wearing nail varnish either. I think the OP is being criticised by a whole lot of women who in real life wouldn't like it at all if their near middle aged and previously conservative husband started painting his nails. He's not a teenager or twenty something and he's not a rock star. Would those ladies be okay with their husbands wearing a nice dress and heels? Their body, their choice as some previous posters have put it.

Now I have nothing against people of any gender wearing a nice dress and heels or nail polish. If it makes them happy they should crack on. As far as I'm concerned people can reconsider their gender all they like and live the way they want and have relationships with who they want.

The difficulty though is that this is not what the OP signed up for. She can't help it if she dislikes him wearing nail polish. Nor is she unreasonable to be concerned when she can't get unequivocal answers to some quite fundamental questions about his future plans.

Can we all just read this again please. This is the answer to the AIBU.
ohihateithere · 27/09/2021 15:21

@nailvarnishhubby you have explained yourself fine. Majority of people on Mumsnet seem to just enjoy jumping on the bandwagon and making situations out to be something it isn't. I understood what you meant from your first post.

StillWeRise · 27/09/2021 15:24

what I really don't get though is why painting ONE finger nail is such a big deal? I get if he painted all 10 nails in pearly pink and filed them to a pointy shape, yes that would look 'feminine' and I can understand at least being surprised by it. But painting one nail - especially if it's supposed to remind you to be creative- to me that seems equivalent to wearing a piece of jewellery which loads of men do. His reaction to the face paint/make up incident with the DD bears this out. DD was playing and being creative. OP got him to join in, he said, how come this (make up/face paint/creativity/fun) is OK but that (nail polish/creativity/fun) isnt?

Roguehair · 27/09/2021 15:25

[quote Sommernacht89]@roguehair.The manly men who have dirty fingernails from scratching their ashole in public,burp and stink of beer ,shout and talk over you...ohhh sooo very attractiveConfused.give me a man with painted fingernails any time![/quote]
Yeah because they are the only 2 types of menHmm. Don’t be such an idiot!

Brokeandtired3 · 27/09/2021 15:25

@dummyd there is no point. People wont agree even if they do feel the same way because everyone likes to come across forward thinking and "accepting". People have completely blown this out of proportion and were too quick to do the name and blame game and didnt read this thread for what it is.

This is a middle aged man that has had a sudden change in behaviour that the op does not like and has her concerned

CityMumma78 · 27/09/2021 15:25

Wow I’m surprised at the abuse you’re getting here!! I’d be mortified if my husband wanted to paint his little finger nails with varnish and would not feel remotely comfortable with it. A colleague came out as trans months after everyone had noticed he was wearing pale pink nail varnish!! Why on earth would men want to wear nail varnish and why should a wife be ok with it?!

liddlelambsydivey · 27/09/2021 15:28

I wouldn't like that, either, OP. I wouldn't feel sexually attracted to a man who makes a habit of wearing makeup or nail varnish. (It's not transphobic/homophobic to not want to be married to a man who is attracted to other men or presents himself in a more traditionally feminine way. If you're a straight female, why would you want a sexual relationship with someone who's giving off vibes that don't signal "straight male"?)

Yes, I would wonder, if a man I knew started wearing nail varnish out of the blue. It could mean nothing, or it could be what you fear, a red flag. You could try having a serious conversation with him about it, but ultimately, there's no way to know for certain what's going on in his head. He's unlikely to admit it, even if it's true, if he knows that it would mean the end of your marriage. He'd have to be prepared to lose you and the marriage.

You say the marriage has other problems. I'd probably add this to the list when I'm weighing up the health of the relationship. Even if you don't know that it "means" anything significant, it's making you uncomfortable, and that in itself is a problem.

lovemelongtime · 27/09/2021 15:31

Huge leap from wearing nail varnish on one finger to being "Gay" (your words not mine) - get over it seriously. This is really controlling behaviour. Of course you are allowed to express an opinion with your DH but if he started controlling what you wore or did to that extent how would you feel? and why on earth would you be embarrassed.

forestlovr · 27/09/2021 15:39

This could actually be the most ridiculous thread on here. How do you go from you husband wearing nail polish on a single finger to "is he gay or trans"?

phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2021 15:44

Huge leap from wearing nail varnish on one finger to being "Gay" (your words not mine)

This. It’s one single nail. Could understand if it was all of them, but one nail is ridiculous and that’s probably why OP is getting a hard time. Add in her questioning his sexuality when he pointed out the obvious double standard and I wouldn’t blame him for not giving her an answer.

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 15:48

@nailvarnishhubby

Just want to say thanks for all the posters who've taken time out to reply helpfully. I didn't articulate my post well I wrote it within 1 minute of it happening and my daughter was jumping all over me and my husband was asking what I was doing why I was suddenly so intent on my phone. I was so surprised I just didn't know how to react. I've not explained myself well and in other cases some people just want to have a go. I don't think Everyman who wears nail varnish is gay. I just find it odd that my husband is suddenly doing it
I can understand your concern from this post. Apopogies for saying you sounds d homophobic and bigoted, your first post didn't read well to me and I couldn't see the issue. If it is a sudden thing, do you think it's a bit of freedom of expression or something else? Only you know your DH, no one on a forum can tell you his reasons for doing so.

I sometimes do random things with my looks just to shake up my boring life. Not saying your lives are boring but sometimes monotony creeps in and there needs to be an outlet.

aimss4777 · 27/09/2021 15:50

I'd feel the same, very odd!!! Would put me right off lol

heywassuphello · 27/09/2021 15:53

I think of you asked people irl they would YANBU. Mumsnet however=YABU.
I think YANBU to suspect something odd is going on if it's completely unlike him/his friends. If he was in a death metal band then maybe a bit more normal.
But YABU to tell him what he can and cannot wear.

clpsmum · 27/09/2021 15:55

Get a grip or piss of back to 1952

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/09/2021 15:55

Yabu to let your toddler trash your make up hth

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 15:57

Also for everyone saying I'm infringing on his human rights by asking him not to wear it around my family: when we were younger we both used to smoke - it was a frequent smelly habit of ours.

When his family / friends were around it was clear I shouldn't smoke as it would cause him embarrassment because I am a woman. Stupid I know but the norm in his culture. I never challenged this and just wouldn't smoke for those days / once for a full month despite him smoking as usual - with them!

I know it's different and neither is fair I just wanted to point out its not an unusual request for us to ask to ask the other not to do something that could cause the other embarrassment which happens to be stupidly related to gender.

OP posts:
Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 15:59

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

Yabu to let your toddler trash your make up hth
This is super true and it's fenty too which I love. However it's two years since I brought it and apparently I need to throw it away now so I figured it was a sign.

I obvs regret it now that posters have handed me my arse saying I'm destroying her skin. We weren't putting make up on shes never even really seen me wear any. She was born a month before lockdown she's only ever seen me in pyjamas Sad

OP posts:
Comedycook · 27/09/2021 15:59

Some of these comments are so nasty towards the op

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 16:00

@Babyiskickingmyribs

OP isn’t worried about her H possibly being a closeted gay man or transwoman because she thinks there is something wrong with being gay or trans. She is worried that she IS the closet. She’s embarrassed by the idea that she has been used as a cover story. Presumably if her husband told her he was gay or trans she would want to break up with him and work on their relationship as co parents and maybe platonic friends while being free to look for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a person who fits her sexual preferences and who is actually attracted to her. OP I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. And she’s clearly been worried about this before and the nail varnish is just bringing those worries to the surface again.
But has the OP provided any evidence whatsoever that her husband is gay or trans, other than her own total uncontrolled (and more than slightly weird) horror at his nail varnish?

The OP emerges from even her first post as a bit of a nutter -- the man is wearing nail varnish on his little fingernail and she's pitching a fit and asking him to remove it before visitors arrive

because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

That just sounds quite mad to me. I teach undergraduates, and it's no longer particularly unusual for straight young men to wear eyeliner, earrings, have very groomed brows and sculpted facial hair, experiment with fake tan -- and I'm pretty sure a few wear foundation. There's a huge boom in cosmetics marketed at men.

forestlovr · 27/09/2021 16:02

@Comedycook

Some of these comments are so nasty towards the op
Yeah she because sounds ridiculous- she should probs just get divorced because it sounds like her marriage isn't going to last whether her husband is actually gay or not
cushioncovers · 27/09/2021 16:04

Yanbu op its strange for a man to suddenly start to want to wear nail varnish for no apparent reason. There will be a reason for it whatever it is you're sure to find out soon enough. I would be uncomfortable with it as would practically everyone I know.

scarpa · 27/09/2021 16:04

@CityMumma78

Wow I’m surprised at the abuse you’re getting here!! I’d be mortified if my husband wanted to paint his little finger nails with varnish and would not feel remotely comfortable with it. A colleague came out as trans months after everyone had noticed he was wearing pale pink nail varnish!! Why on earth would men want to wear nail varnish and why should a wife be ok with it?!
Why on earth would men want to wear nail varnish and why should a wife be ok with it?!

Why does anyone? Because they like it/it's fun/it's a sense of self expression/they like how it makes their hands look. What a weird, weird question.

And I don't think a wife 'should' be okay with it if she doesn't want to, but I find it really bizarre that you've made it sound like "why should a wife be okay with her husband becoming an axe murderer" instead of... y'know... having one painted fingernail. Removeable paint. On one very small part of his body. Hardly the marital crime of the century, is it?

Comedycook · 27/09/2021 16:04

Yeah she because sounds ridiculous

No she doesn't. She doesn't have to pretend to be a "cool wife". She's entitled to feel how she feels. Her dh can wear what he wants but she doesn't have to be happy with it

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