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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 27/09/2021 14:46

Wth.

Just this weekend, my ds's girlfriend stayed over. He is currently sporting a couple of painted toe nails. I didn't even think to bring it up as its such a non issue.

What does it matter OP.

EmbarrassingMama · 27/09/2021 14:47

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
Aka “I would like to hear from people who agree with me and reinforce my ridiculous stance on this”
Nosilayak · 27/09/2021 14:48

At one time, certainly when I was younger and into the Cure etc, I would have thought it was great if my teenage boyfriends had worn nail varnish. However, after getting close to someone and, during our first intimate moments, finding out he wore a woman's bra and knickers under his jeans and shirt, which, call me old fashioned or anything you want, came as a big shock and a massive turn off to me. I understand you being worried that, what started off as merely colouring in his little finger nail with a sharpie pen, has now progressed to wanting a full set of varnished nails. I'd be concerned what the next step was going to be. I, honestly think he's trying to tell you something, whether he'll admit it or not.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 27/09/2021 14:51

OP isn’t worried about her H possibly being a closeted gay man or transwoman because she thinks there is something wrong with being gay or trans. She is worried that she IS the closet. She’s embarrassed by the idea that she has been used as a cover story. Presumably if her husband told her he was gay or trans she would want to break up with him and work on their relationship as co parents and maybe platonic friends while being free to look for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a person who fits her sexual preferences and who is actually attracted to her. OP I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on here.
And she’s clearly been worried about this before and the nail varnish is just bringing those worries to the surface again.

Anordinarymum · 27/09/2021 14:51

I would rather see nail polish than dirty fingernails which need cutting.

Joystir59 · 27/09/2021 14:53

You are idiotic

steppemum · 27/09/2021 14:55

@Ifailed

Your husband's appearance is none of your business, as is yours to him. butt out.
well, sorry, but if you are in a relationship with someone and they suddenly change something significant, then yes, it is your business. Marriage is a partnership, and you do respond to each other, consider each other, notice each other and mind what they do and say.

I am on the fence on this one OP, I can see both sides. I would be pretty taken aback if my dh suddenly started doing this too.
But I would want to take some time with him to find out where this has come from, or if there is something else there.
I think your current approach is going to make him hide.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 27/09/2021 14:56

Hi OP

I've read your posts, but not all the comments on the thread.

I had a sense of unease about my husband and he turned out to be gay. We were together 18 years before he told me about his same-sex attraction. He was from a Christian family where being gay wouldn't have been accepted by some of the family, although they're getting used to it now.

The nail varnish could be something or could be nothing. I'd be more worried about him being evasive when you try to talk about sexuality. Of course, that could also be nothing, but I wonder if something is telling you that there's something not quite right with your relationship. My ex used to say things like "I chose you" and "you have nothing to worry about" (except it turned out that I did) but he could never say "I love you" or tell me that I looked great or he found me attractive. I don't know if any of that sounds familiar.

I wouldn't personally be worried about a man wearing nail varnish, but I recognise that sense of unease.

In case your concerns turn out to have some foundation, here are the details of a support group for people who discover or are told that their partners are LGBTQ.

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?
Siepie · 27/09/2021 14:57

We aren't conservative in a political sense at all, but Christian backgrounds

I also grew up in a conservative Christian family. Then I grew up, met a wider range of people, and realised people who looked/thought differently weren’t all evil.

You say you’re not a Christian anymore? Then why does what some Christians believe matter to you so much, especially when it comes to something as insignificant as nail polish?

willithappen · 27/09/2021 14:57

If it's embarrassing you and you are the one who doesn't like it then that sounds a lot like a you problem and your partner shouldn't suffer because of that

Let him be, it's nail varnish

Sommernacht89 · 27/09/2021 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 27/09/2021 15:01

I don't know why everyone is telling the Op about their 4-year-old boys who wear nail varnish like that's the same as a middle-aged man who has never played with his sexuality or appearance particularly wearing nail varnish. It's not the same social significance at all.

Most over 35 men from conservative or pretty typical backgrounds don't, in the UK, wear nail varnish. You only have to look around your workplace or at the school gate to see this is true. So, the OP's husband is departing from the norm in wanting to do that, it doesn't make it wrong, as wearing nail varnish isn't wrong, but it does make it different and outside of the norm, and often those things do make us feel uncomfortable for all kinds of reasons, if only because people stare, or because the significance of his sudden desire to do this isn't clear.

One of my male colleagues wears nail varnish along with bright hair and it's his thing, looks great, but it attracts a whole heap of attention everywhere he goes. People comment on his look a lot, even if a lot of it is positive.

Making out this is the same as your four year old wearing sparkly nail polish is disingenuous and some of the replies on here are really not at all in touch with reality (that this would garner attention) or how many women would feel about their husband taking this up.

I would want to know if this one attempt to subvert gender norms was related to anything else, or whether it was just a bit of fun.

SupremeDreamz · 27/09/2021 15:01

thinking along the gay lines

Confused
Shamoo · 27/09/2021 15:01

OP, its 2021. Not 1821. Nail varnish on a man doesn’t make him gay. Short hair on a woman doesn’t make her a lesbian. Etc etc.

steppemum · 27/09/2021 15:05

Most over 35 men from conservative or pretty typical backgrounds don't, in the UK, wear nail varnish. You only have to look around your workplace or at the school gate to see this is true. So, the OP's husband is departing from the norm in wanting to do that, it doesn't make it wrong, as wearing nail varnish isn't wrong, but it does make it different and outside of the norm, and often those things do make us feel uncomfortable for all kinds of reasons, if only because people stare, or because the significance of his sudden desire to do this isn't clear.

exactly.

Sommernacht89 · 27/09/2021 15:07

@roguehair.The manly men who have dirty fingernails from scratching their ashole in public,burp and stink of beer ,shout and talk over you...ohhh sooo very attractiveConfused.give me a man with painted fingernails any time!

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 27/09/2021 15:08

@Babyiskickingmyribs

OP isn’t worried about her H possibly being a closeted gay man or transwoman because she thinks there is something wrong with being gay or trans. She is worried that she IS the closet. She’s embarrassed by the idea that she has been used as a cover story. Presumably if her husband told her he was gay or trans she would want to break up with him and work on their relationship as co parents and maybe platonic friends while being free to look for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a person who fits her sexual preferences and who is actually attracted to her. OP I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. And she’s clearly been worried about this before and the nail varnish is just bringing those worries to the surface again.
And yet people continue to call her vile, idiotic, controlling and so on.

Some pps seem to really relish doing that and, I think, are wilfully misinterpreting the issue to give themselves a reason for it.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 15:08

@Babyiskickingmyribs

OP isn’t worried about her H possibly being a closeted gay man or transwoman because she thinks there is something wrong with being gay or trans. She is worried that she IS the closet. She’s embarrassed by the idea that she has been used as a cover story. Presumably if her husband told her he was gay or trans she would want to break up with him and work on their relationship as co parents and maybe platonic friends while being free to look for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a person who fits her sexual preferences and who is actually attracted to her. OP I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. And she’s clearly been worried about this before and the nail varnish is just bringing those worries to the surface again.
Yes exactly this. Thank you
OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 27/09/2021 15:10

I think the way you've worded your post is really unfortunate.

Aside from that, specifically about the nail varnish YANBU and neither do you have to find it attractive.

However I expect you'll have some replies along the lines of 'his body his choice' but you have absolutely no way of knowing if posters would truly be perfectly happy with their husband suddenly wearing nail varnish, particularly in public for all to see. Even if they claim theyd be completely unphased.

I guess you suspect your husband is gay. Ask him out of the blue and watch his reaction. But he could just be exploring his feminine side; there are men that do, but of course it's up to you if you want that in your life or not

TinyTear · 27/09/2021 15:10

I think the OP is getting a really hard time.

Can't people understand that she isn't saying it is wrong, she just doesn't like it in her husband.

phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2021 15:10

YABVU

What is the big deal? It’s nail varnish. He has a point. You don’t want him to wear nail varnish and criticise him for it but want to put make-up on him. How is that not more effeminate?! You are coming off as massively hypocritical. If you’re going to be upset and annoying about nail varnish then don’t do anything “effeminate” to him.

It seems as long as it’s the way you see/want it, it doesn’t matter how he feels. You care more about what others will think than your husband’s feelings and that says a lot. You’re getting worked up over a bit of nail varnish. He told you why (something that is actually a thing) and you’re still making a big thing out of it and making him feel bad. Why when it has nothing to do with you? It’s one thing not to like it, it’s another thing to go on about it, be hypocritical, and act like the world is ending.

billy1966 · 27/09/2021 15:12

All the live and let live commentary combined with the OP is a bitch/vile for wondering about her husband's vagueness when asked about his sexuality.

Such obtuse comparisons and disingenuous replies.

Why should the OP not be concerned?

She has every right to ask about his sexuality and not wish to be used by him if he is withholding information that affects her life and their family.

She has no wish to be his beard because of their religious background.

She has every right to find him wearing nail polish unattractive.

Talk about double standards.

KurtWilde · 27/09/2021 15:12

People are free to do what they want with their own appearance. My DH couldn't stop me from shaving my head, but if I did it, he's perfectly entitled to dislike it or find it unattractive. You cannot police people's thoughts

@Comedycook that was my point. I was saying how ridiculous the OP is.

DonkeySkin · 27/09/2021 15:14

You're getting a pasting OP but I think you need to listen to your instincts.

My guess is your husband is less than a year away from announcing he identifies as a woman. The nail polish thing is likely him testing the waters, as other posters have said. If you are cool with it then it will probably escalate to eyeshadow, heels, your underwear, and so on.

The posters who are calling you sexist and comparing this to women wanting to wear masculine-style clothes are in error. They are overlooking (or ignorant of) the fact that some heterosexual men get a sexual thrill from wearing women's clothes and accessories. Whereas women don't get sexually excited by the act of wearing comfortable trousers. The two aren't comparable at all.

It's possible I suppose that your husband is just expressing himself and not sexually fixated on donning markers of femininity - possible, but IMO it's more likely to be the latter scenario.

If it does come to that, google 'trans widows'. There are plenty of women who have been through this before who can support you.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 27/09/2021 15:15

I wouldn't like this either OP.
Just doesn't sit right with me.
Doesn't make me a transphobe or anything because l live and let live but on my husband l would find it unattractive and am sorry if that offends anyone but it is how l would feel.