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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
Fleshmechanic · 27/09/2021 14:26

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Cuddlyrottweiler · 27/09/2021 14:27

YABVU

Cbtb · 27/09/2021 14:27

The issue for me wouldn’t be the nail polish but the fact that he cannot tell you if it’s part of something bigger. My husband used to wear eyeliner in his 20s and I had some goth male friends who wore much more make up and nail polish than I did. However they were open about their sexuality.

If you are from a culture where he could not be gay or trans or bi before and so is in the closet his wearing or not wearing nail polish isn’t going to chance him being gay/bi/trans. You need a big heart to heart with him to find out if he is. What you then do is going to be difficult, you have no obligation to stay married if you don’t want to but also might feel that if he is bi but had no intention of cheating then that’s not so much as issue…

UniversalAunt · 27/09/2021 14:29

If he tries, not how he tries...

Pinklioness · 27/09/2021 14:29

My son wears nail varnish sometimes. It looks great. He also plays football and is one of the lads. Surely we don't want to pigeonhole people so much. I can wear trousers and suits, surely it's only fair for guys to wear make up and skirts if they want to.

ConstanceGracy · 27/09/2021 14:29

I do think it’s strange if he’s just al of a sudden started doing it and no, I wouldn’t like it.

Comedycook · 27/09/2021 14:31

YANBU to find it unattractive OP, but your 'effeminate', 'gay', 'mortifying', 'embarassing' comments reveal a very weird set of underlying beliefs (that men who like doing things that make them feel good are 'gay'? That men who do things coded as feminine are embarassing? That men should do Man Things like smell like balls and never give a shit about their appearance? That people assuming a man might be gay in public would be embarassing for you? Just... a whole lot to unpack there)

Because a lot of these things are cultural. We don't exist in a vacuum. So logically it makes no sense that women wear nail varnish and men don't or that men don't usually wear skirts etc but these things have cultural associations

Roguehair · 27/09/2021 14:31

I’m with you OP. I don’t find effeminate men attractive, each to their own and all that. Also you didn’t marry a man who presents in an effeminate way, so I think it’s unfair that you’re getting a hard time here. No need to make him feel self conscious, however I’d definitely want to get to the bottom of it.

AnotherName456 · 27/09/2021 14:31

You couldn't be more unreasonable tbh, let the man live. You sound v controlling.

Mumtotwofurbabies · 27/09/2021 14:32

Years ago I had one of those cheesy corporate presentations about being creative at work, and they gave us some examples of things to do to ‘rewire’ our brains to be more creative e.g different route to work, rearrange cupboards, write a word with our non dominant hand etc. wearing nail varnish when we wouldn’t normally wasn’t an example but could easily have been in the context! Are you sure it wasn’t something to do with that? Just that you mention he did it to encourage himself to be more creative

Roguehair · 27/09/2021 14:33

@Cuddlyrottweiler

YANVU people of all genders like playing with things they think look nice. It doesn't mean he's gay or trans.

But let's say he is secretly gay or trans. What's your plan? Force him to be someone he's not?

Or divorce?
Blessex · 27/09/2021 14:33

What I find interesting is those that say they don’t like it say they don’t like it. Those that don’t mind are denigrating those that do.

‘Controlling bitch’

picklesandgiggles · 27/09/2021 14:35

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whycantwegoonasthree · 27/09/2021 14:35

1- are you saying if he starts wearing nail varnish as a matter of course it changes the agreement you made with him when you married and you will leave?

2 - if he has decided to abandon societal norms WRT what he wears more generally , are you planning to leave him over it?

3 - if it does escalate and he decides he is not 100% straight or cis, will you leave him over that?

You need to understand what your own needs are where your own boundaries lie, communicate them to your husband, while listening to and understanding his needs and boundaries, and set out what you are prepared to do if they are transgressed.

You can only speak to you will do "if". You don't get to say to another human "you must never do x or y". You can only say "if you do x or y, then I will do z."

CoalCraft · 27/09/2021 14:37

YABVU, you have no say over whether he wears nail varnish or not. Have an opinion if you must, but you don't get to dictate what he wears.

Your problem with it seems to be that you are worried what people think? Instead you should be dropping people rude enough to comment. If it's just that YOU are put off by him being "effeminate", frankly you are being absurd and sexist.

Dandy0911 · 27/09/2021 14:38

@Brefugee

Men painting nails is not at all the same as women cutting their hair short or wearing trousers, for God's sake.

WTF am i reading here? Why? Why isn't it? Because being like a man (trousers & short hair) = good and being like a woman (long hair, dress) = bad.

Gawd help the trouser wearing short haired women here with this kind of attitude. Marlene Dietrich was ARRESTED FOR WEARING TROUSERS around a hundred years ago. And now look at us? Doing man stuff and our uteruses are all fully intact (unless for other reasons).

There is no reason why men shouldn't do it the other way round. In summer long floaty skirts are great. A bit of concealer on tired, grey, spotty skin can make you feel much better going for a night out, why can't men do that?

Why is it ok one way and not the other? What is it about femaleness and feminine (!) looking outfits etc that takes something away from men but wearing boots and jeans and having short hair adds to women?

It is quite bizarre. But this attitude is exactly what trouser wearing women faced within living memory. The sooner all ideas of outward displays of gender are gone, and people dress how they like, will make the world a much happier place. Especially for those who are held back by conservative families/cultures.

Aaaamen!
Blessex · 27/09/2021 14:39

yep case in point. If you dont think or feel like @picklesandgiggles then you are vile OP. Truly vile Hmm

Sagealicious · 27/09/2021 14:39

When I read that your husband likes to wear nail polish on one finger it reminded me of this charity.

polishedman.com/

Nancydrawn · 27/09/2021 14:40

@burritofan

Going from “my husband uses a bit of Sharpie or nail polish on his little fingernail” to “he must be closeted, we’re living a lie, I would divorce him” is such an extreme leap I’m wondering if there is much, much more to the story than what you’re telling us, or if you struggle with your mental health and issues of anxiety and control. It’s so bizarre.
Absolutely.
CoalCraft · 27/09/2021 14:43

Ahh this is not something I expected to deal with on a Monday morning ffs

What is there to 'deal with'? It's someone wearing nail varnish, a complete non-event, you don't need to do anything.

Rangoon · 27/09/2021 14:43

I wouldn't like my husband wearing nail varnish either. I think the OP is being criticised by a whole lot of women who in real life wouldn't like it at all if their near middle aged and previously conservative husband started painting his nails. He's not a teenager or twenty something and he's not a rock star. Would those ladies be okay with their husbands wearing a nice dress and heels? Their body, their choice as some previous posters have put it.

Now I have nothing against people of any gender wearing a nice dress and heels or nail polish. If it makes them happy they should crack on. As far as I'm concerned people can reconsider their gender all they like and live the way they want and have relationships with who they want.

The difficulty though is that this is not what the OP signed up for. She can't help it if she dislikes him wearing nail polish. Nor is she unreasonable to be concerned when she can't get unequivocal answers to some quite fundamental questions about his future plans.

HermioneKipper · 27/09/2021 14:43

I wouldn’t like it either OP. I can’t believe what a rough time you’re getting here.

If he’d always worn it and you’d known then it would be different but if he’s suddenly rocked up with it then you’re totally within your rights to object.

You can find whatever you like attractive or in attractive.

I think it would probably be a deal breaker for me if my husband started wearing red nail varnish from nowhere

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2021 14:44

You are within your rights not to like it. That's a preference you're allowed. But shaming him and therefore other men who wear nail polish by declaring your disgust that its effeminate is another thing entirely.

TL:DR you don't have to like it, you just don't need to be a dick about it. You also don't get to control his personal expression. That said, if it doesn't work for you then at some stage you'll need to review the relationship. Perhaps that might be for the best considering your overall revulsion.

Chumleymouse · 27/09/2021 14:45

I think he’s hiding in the closet 👀

Mynameismargot · 27/09/2021 14:45

Some posters are saying why now at his age? How many women get to x age and suddenly decide to dye their hair pink or some other bright colour? I personally know 2 women in their 40s that have done so without showing any alt dressing signs in the past, no body acuses them of suddenly becoming lesbians.

People grow and gain confidence in what they like and lose the fear of giving a fuck what other people think.