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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
me4real · 27/09/2021 14:07

A lot of women would be put off by that OP, or it'd cause them to be concerned as to what was going on.

Giggorata · 27/09/2021 14:08

This has been a very interesting thread, with all the different viewpoints. I like seeing my pagan/unconventional men friends with nail varnish and eyeliner but it would be very weird if DH, who sadly isn't the least interested in what he looks like, suddenly started to wear it.

Initially, I thought that this might come into the conventional-ish man suddenly get an ear pierced territory.
But the misgivings of the OP are what indicates there is perhaps more to it than just that.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 27/09/2021 14:08

I have no general issue with nail varnish on men. In decades past I’ve been involved with various guys who wore it, and/or eyeliner and so on; I’ve painted my son’s nails; all of that. Fine.

But my DP now has never been into any of that and his usual style/presentation has been consistent for so long that if he suddenly started to paint his nails now, in his 50s, at a time when gender non-confirming presentation is way more culturally loaded than it once was — yeah, that would seem really odd to me. Of course it bloody would. It would be at odds with his entire well-established vibe, which I love. It would feel like a statement and for that reason I would be uncomfortable and would wonder what was up.

PearLime · 27/09/2021 14:09

I'm not against men wearing nail varnish or "feminine" stuff in general. Wear what you like.

However, I would not be attracted to a man who wore nail varnish. There's nothing wrong with him wearing it- that's fine. I just personally would find it deeply unattractive.

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/09/2021 14:10

@nailvarnishhubby your comment about being down with the times made me laugh.
I am in my 50s. Men wearing nail varnish is quaintly old skool to me.
I don't think I had a boyfriend in the 80s who didn't wear it.

HTH1 · 27/09/2021 14:11

It would bother me too OP and it’s not an attractive thing for a man to do. To be honest though, it sounds like you’re already not very happy to be with him generally so maybe time to reevaluate whether you want to remain in a relationship with him.

ClawedButler · 27/09/2021 14:12

This is not about nail varnish!

It doesn't matter a straw whether you or I would or would like our partners to wear nail varnish.

It's about seizing on one small thing and turning it into something that questions your entire marriage. And none of us know whether that's something the OP is justified in suspecting, or whether she's got outdated ideas on what men and women should wear/present. We simply don't know if this is an act of self-expression/curiosity or the tiniest tip of a massive trans/gay/bi iceberg. The only way of finding that out is for the OP to sit down and talk to her partner sensibly and calmly.

peachesarenom · 27/09/2021 14:12

I think if he's from a strict background it would have made it harder for him to come out if he were gay for example.

You need to have a kind and loving conversation about this as you are saying he is currently evading the answer.

I would also be devastated if in my older years my husband came out as gay after a lifelong marriage and children. He won't tell you if you are confrontational. As you said earlier, you'd rather know now.

The nail polish this is a non-issue though. It's fairly normal. Like a pp said I'd be find with dark colours on short nails but long pink nails would turn me off!

peachesarenom · 27/09/2021 14:13

I meant fairly common. Didn't mean to say 'normal' sorry!

snowspider · 27/09/2021 14:13

People change over the years, sometimes in a relationship you change together and in the same sort of direction, remain liking similar things but sometimes you grow in different directions. Maybe OP has stayed comfortable in her more restricted outlook and her dh is seeing things differently and wants to experiment in a way he hasn't in the past because he lacked the confidence. Lots of people who get together young find themselves on a different tack in their late thirties. It isn't a betrayal, it's called growing apart.

KurtWilde · 27/09/2021 14:16

Ridiculous thread. Men who wear nail polish are no more likely to be gay or trans than women who shave their heads or wear more masculine type clothes. It's leap at best, and shows how little you know about the LGBTQ+ community.

Imagine if a guy posted that his wife had shaved her head or stopped wearing makeup, and he wasn't happy about it or thought she might be becoming masculine. The majority would be saying he was controlling her and she can look however she likes.

thecatsthecats · 27/09/2021 14:18

If you don't want him, I'll take him.

Sounds fit Grin

herecomesthsun · 27/09/2021 14:18

One of my DH's friends, a professional musician, wore and wears nail varnish, I think this was going back to the 90s. It seemed quite cool.

If you don't like it though, he should take your feelings into account.

myheartskippedabeat · 27/09/2021 14:18

Is he cross dressing aswell?????

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 14:20

You could well be right. But seeing as deciding he could be gay from the nail varnish is quite a leap, I presumed there must be more to it. Which is sounds like there is and there’ve been a few things over the years which have worried her. It sounds like she fears he has been prevented by his family’s values of truly accepting who he is and she’s looking for reassurance. The nail varnish is the latest thing and to an outsider who has no knowledge of their relationship and history, it sounds innocuous. But it obviously isn’t to the OP.

You could be right, neither of us know. But the leap from wearing nail polish to "might be gay" could also be that the OP hasn't considered a wider view. If I heard anyone say "oh so-and-so (male) wears nail polish, I wonder if they are gay", I'd give them a wide berth because it sounds homophobic. It just does in the cold light of day.

But if OP has a hunch that her husband might be hiding, she needs to have it out with him. But I think the way she conducts herself (hard to tell from text) might make her hubby shut down for fear of being ridiculed. And I do see his point about wearing make up for his daughter = fine, wearing nail polish for self expression = not fine.

I grew up in the 90s and started going out in 2000. Loads of lads I knew wore either make up, nail polish or both, even just doing day to day things and I never once thought they were gay. None of them were gay, it was just a form of expression and being young combined.

Comedycook · 27/09/2021 14:20

@KurtWilde

Ridiculous thread. Men who wear nail polish are no more likely to be gay or trans than women who shave their heads or wear more masculine type clothes. It's leap at best, and shows how little you know about the LGBTQ+ community.

Imagine if a guy posted that his wife had shaved her head or stopped wearing makeup, and he wasn't happy about it or thought she might be becoming masculine. The majority would be saying he was controlling her and she can look however she likes.

People are free to do what they want with their own appearance. My DH couldn't stop me from shaving my head, but if I did it, he's perfectly entitled to dislike it or find it unattractive. You cannot police people's thoughts
Mammyofasuperbaby · 27/09/2021 14:21

It is entirely possible that his Conservative upbringing has left him feeling very suppressed.
He may be very creative and want to dress in a more alternative style and always has but felt unable to express himself due to his surroundings.
I wouldn't necessarily think he was gay but more likely experimenting with his own less conservative personality.
A person can't be oppressed forever, they will find a way to express themselves

Notashandyta · 27/09/2021 14:21

Yanbu

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 27/09/2021 14:22

[quote TheFirstMrsDV]@nailvarnishhubby your comment about being down with the times made me laugh.
I am in my 50s. Men wearing nail varnish is quaintly old skool to me.
I don't think I had a boyfriend in the 80s who didn't wear it.[/quote]
Yes, this Grin

So many younger people seem to think that if an older person doesn’t like that stuff, it’s conservatism, as opposed to the fact we’ve just … well, outgrown it a bit maybe.

(Not saying it’s inherently immature to decorate yourself or work at changing your look up now and then; but it does require energy and other finite resources that a lot of slightly older people want to, or are obliged to, direct elsewhere)

Mantlemoose · 27/09/2021 14:23

Not my kind of man and not DPs kind of mate either. Not normal in our circles. Late 30s to early 50s.

Looubylou · 27/09/2021 14:23

Haven't read whole thread but if it's one nail I wouldn't care. If it's all nails I too would think there was a rabbit away. I couldn't care less if other men/male friends wear nail varnish, but not my husband. For those who are calling you out OP, I bet non of their husband's have suddenly started to wear nail varnish. I don't blame you worrying about the husband coming out of the closet in 40 years time scenario. It's hardly unknown. One finger, for a particular reason, which made sense given their personalty, wouldn't concern me. Neither would what family and friends say. It's nothing to do with them - but it is to do with you.

scarpa · 27/09/2021 14:24

@thecatsthecats

If you don't want him, I'll take him.

Sounds fit Grin

Agreed haha!

My H occasionally has black nail varnish on (the little mosher). I can't say I care either way, to be honest - up to him.

YANBU to find it unattractive OP, but your 'effeminate', 'gay', 'mortifying', 'embarassing' comments reveal a very weird set of underlying beliefs (that men who like doing things that make them feel good are 'gay'? That men who do things coded as feminine are embarassing? That men should do Man Things like smell like balls and never give a shit about their appearance? That people assuming a man might be gay in public would be embarassing for you? Just... a whole lot to unpack there).

So, feel free to tell him you're not into it and you don't want him to do it. He's absolutely free to tell you to get lost.

UniversalAunt · 27/09/2021 14:25

For what it matters...

‘ lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish’ - not so here in my neck of the woods which is considered Metrosexual Heights & the streets heaving with pansexual liberation.

F it.ks he got something to say, to share, to explore, then he needs to own it as an adult, not try to gaslight you with the notion that his situation is the absolute norm.

Who he is etc is down to him, downplaying your responses & perspective is not on.

Pay attention to how he tries to box you in to his choices.

You have choice & free will in this situation.
If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. End of.

Squeakycatflap · 27/09/2021 14:26

Wouldn’t bother me. Now if it was Pat Butcher earrings I might boak.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 27/09/2021 14:26

YANVU people of all genders like playing with things they think look nice. It doesn't mean he's gay or trans.

But let's say he is secretly gay or trans. What's your plan? Force him to be someone he's not?