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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
XelaM · 27/09/2021 13:47

I'm originally from Russia, so very much NOT politically correct Grin but I still think you're being mean

Blessex · 27/09/2021 13:47

I wouldn’t like it if my DH did this either. But then I am old and clearly not with the times.

Inthesameboatatmo · 27/09/2021 13:47

@nailvarnishhubby.
I'm from a culture where this would absolutely be looked upon the same way you are thinking.
Of course it's his body and all that but I wouldn't like my man to wear it as I would think he was testing the boundaries of what I would accept with regards to his gender/sexuality .

Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2021 13:47

I've definitely read about this as a creativity technique. I'll see if I can find the article I read

annacondom · 27/09/2021 13:49

I wouldn't like it either, OP. I have seen local straight guys wearing nail varnish and I really don't understand it and can't work it out. But then there's other stuff that's considered normal these days that I don't understand; tattoos, for example. So I just accept that these people aren't stuck in the past like I am. My mother never understood me wearing jeans - apparently they're only for workmen. So there you go - times change.

Only you can find out if there's something else going on with your DH. But as far as your family is concerned, please stop worrying about what people think. Let them deal with it/not deal with it. How they react to your DH wearing nail varnish is not your problem. Develop a thick skin.

allsorts1 · 27/09/2021 13:51

It sounds like your problem is bigger than the nail polish, so you've got a lot of posters responding to the nail polish as an isolated incident when really it seems quite tied up in your feelings about his sexuality. Maybe it's time for a supportive heart to heart or for him to chat to someone in therapy or something? As it's weird that he's "evading" questions about his sexuality rather than just being like "yup definitely straight I just want to wear nail polish"

PaleGreenGhost · 27/09/2021 13:51

Crap that culturally, we are at a point where this is a big deal. I'm a similar age OP. In the late 90s and early 00s plenty of my male friends wore nail varnish, make up, occasional skirt or dress. Some of my male friends are gay, many more are not.

I think it's a shame to keep pushing regressive stereotypes based on what sex people are. My sons both liked a bit of nail varnish on their toes. Obviously the older one now doesn't feel able to like this because of the attitude of his peers at school.

I think I'd be very upset if my partner dictated my style and I was only ever allowed to wear stuff he considered sexy. That would be an awful lot of dungarees that would have to go!

LittleGwyneth · 27/09/2021 13:52

Generally speaking I would say that you're being unreasonable, but there's something about your reaction, and his, which makes me think there might be more to this story than it seems. It does sound like on some level you sense that he might have a more complicated gender identity or sexuality than you would hope, given that you married him on the basis that he's a straight man.

This story kind of reminds me of when Bruce Jenner, as was, didn't want to get a hair cut for Kim's wedding. She was furious about the refusal and no-one could understand why until later when Bruce became Caitlin.

Try to have a bit of compassion. If that is the case, he's probably terrified.

HarrisonStickle · 27/09/2021 13:53

Whenever I see a man wearing nail varnish I assume he's comfortable enough with himself to wear it. It's a shame women can wear it or not and it's not a thing, but men are excluded from this, other make up, skirts, dresses, hair does because if they do dare to do something different it's always about something else.

sigh I really thought back in the day that the eighties was going to change all this bollocks.

BigFatLiar · 27/09/2021 13:54

Way back in the 80's lots of lads wore more makeup than the girls. It was just the trend then.

If you don't like it tell him. It obviously still rankles him if he was upset at you suggesting that you plaster him in makeup as a game with your daughter. He may simply be annoyed with you rather than gay.

Aprilx · 27/09/2021 13:54

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
Well I was going to say that I agreed that I would prefer my husband didn’t wear nail varnish either. But then I don’t at the same time try to put make up on him either. So you lost me at that point and I think you are being unreasonable and contradictory.
BodgertheJogger · 27/09/2021 13:55

Adjust your perception and change the narrative in your mind, OP.
As others have said, how would you feel if he asked you to change your hair.
The world is changing and rightly so.

Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2021 13:56

Ah, so apparently this was a movement back in 2016 to raise awareness about violence towards children.

allsorts1 · 27/09/2021 13:56

@LittleGwyneth

Generally speaking I would say that you're being unreasonable, but there's something about your reaction, and his, which makes me think there might be more to this story than it seems. It does sound like on some level you sense that he might have a more complicated gender identity or sexuality than you would hope, given that you married him on the basis that he's a straight man.

This story kind of reminds me of when Bruce Jenner, as was, didn't want to get a hair cut for Kim's wedding. She was furious about the refusal and no-one could understand why until later when Bruce became Caitlin.

Try to have a bit of compassion. If that is the case, he's probably terrified.

Exactly this. If your gut is telling you something is massively off then you're really going to need to move forward with compassion and understanding so that you can both live your lives honestly moving forward.

If it turns out that it really is just the nail polish and this doesn't reflect on any other facet of his life or commitment to you, then making sure you understand that will probably help reassure you enough to be cool with the nail polish as something he does occasionally.

Sidehustle99 · 27/09/2021 13:57

It's really up to him what he wants to wear. You don't have to like it though. You also don't need to stay in a relationship with him if you don't want to. I understand if you feel like he has hidden a side of himself from you that it can feel like betrayal. Could you consider counselling?

DeadButDelicious · 27/09/2021 13:58

Disclaimer: I'm in the goth/metal community so men in make up and nail polish is positively normal to me. I love it myself.

This isn't really new for him is it OP? He's tried to change his look before and you weren't onboard then. Maybe he's not happy with his image? Maybe he would like to express himself a bit more freely. It could really be that he wants to remind himself to be more creative. Or maybe he's gay/trans. You know him best op, is creativity important to him?

You are going to have to talk to him about it, sensibly and find out what's going on and then decide if it's a dealbreaker or not for you. Getting him to push whatever this is down and ignore it won't work and will only lead to resentment on both your parts, even if it is as simple as him wanting to dress a bit more 'out there' than you'd like.

JudgeJ · 27/09/2021 13:58

@Kittykat93

Hmm I dunno on this one. I can't explain why but I also wouldn't like it if my partner wore nail varnish. Yes of course it's his body etc but I wouldn't like it.
Then you would be fine if he were to dictate what you did with your body or is that covered by the MN double standards?
HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 13:58

Adjust your perception and change the narrative in your mind, OP

How patronising.

mylovelydd · 27/09/2021 14:00

Loving the fact that all these posters are telling the OP what she must find attractive in her DH, and what she must feel and that she must basically suck it up if she is turned off by something he's doing Hmm

And as if all these posters are totally cool with their DH wearing makeup or nail varnish Confused
FFS Grin

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 14:00

@Getyourownback - from that bit you quoted, I'm picking up on freedom of expression. If his culture is strict and very traditional, it may be that he has never been able to express himself and now he has found an outlet. Most people get this stuff put of their system in teen years/ early 20s. If he is has had a traditional, somewhat stifling upbringing, and then been with OP for 14 years so from Mid-twenties, I would think he hasn't ever had the opportunity to experiment with different styles etc. I wouldn't necessarily equate that with being gay.

popgoesthewee · 27/09/2021 14:01

It's all very well saying how bigoted or transphobic the OP but she is questioning whether this is normal or she should listen to her gut and see this as a red flag. I think you have no choice but to ask him directly whether this is just a creative outlet or whether part of something bigger. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my dh doing this either but would give two hoots if DS did because I'm not married/in a sexual relationship with my ds but I am with my DH.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/09/2021 14:03

Christ, I am a child of the 90’s, guyliner and nail varnish was a thing back then. I honestly wouldn’t give a fuck if DH wore some of mine, I have boxes of colours! I wouldn’t however be happy about an 18 month old putting make up on to delicate young skin. You priorities are mixed up badly and you cate way to much about your families approval. You sound exhausting.

catsjammies · 27/09/2021 14:04

I actually see men in nail varnish as being strong (of character) because they're doing what makes them happy, and TBH confidence is the sexiest thing around.

But sure, you do you (your poor husband). Hmm

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 14:05

[quote Blindleadingtheblind]@Getyourownback - from that bit you quoted, I'm picking up on freedom of expression. If his culture is strict and very traditional, it may be that he has never been able to express himself and now he has found an outlet. Most people get this stuff put of their system in teen years/ early 20s. If he is has had a traditional, somewhat stifling upbringing, and then been with OP for 14 years so from Mid-twenties, I would think he hasn't ever had the opportunity to experiment with different styles etc. I wouldn't necessarily equate that with being gay.[/quote]
You could well be right. But seeing as deciding he could be gay from the nail varnish is quite a leap, I presumed there must be more to it. Which is sounds like there is and there’ve been a few things over the years which have worried her. It sounds like she fears he has been prevented by his family’s values of truly accepting who he is and she’s looking for reassurance. The nail varnish is the latest thing and to an outsider who has no knowledge of their relationship and history, it sounds innocuous. But it obviously isn’t to the OP.

I stand by my earlier statements which is that being unsettled by her husband suddenly wearing nail varnish doesn’t make her a bigot.

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 14:07

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Christ, I am a child of the 90’s, guyliner and nail varnish was a thing back then. I honestly wouldn’t give a fuck if DH wore some of mine, I have boxes of colours! I wouldn’t however be happy about an 18 month old putting make up on to delicate young skin. You priorities are mixed up badly and you cate way to much about your families approval. You sound exhausting.
And then there’s posts like this seeking just to attack the OP and wanting to stick the boot in with all the others. The post adds nothing.

This place is such a rich vein of bullying at the moment. I think maybe I’m just pissed off with the culture on here now. It doesn’t matter what the thread is about, people want to be vicious to make themselves feel better.