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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
MultiStorey · 27/09/2021 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/09/2021 13:28

I don't understand why tho? Why nail varnish?

Why not though? He was marking his fingernail with a silver sharpie, silver nail polish seems more practical.

We weren't married then and didn't have a child.

And that makes a difference because....?

I didn't shoot it down I questioned the change - it was dramatic - and said I wasn't comfortable and did he feel he needed time apart. He said no and phased the outfits out.

So it was a dramatic change but he managed to pull back because he didn't want to end the relationship over it. "said I wasn't comfortable and did he feel he needed time apart" is shooting it down, it's dainty-speak for "I want you to stop and I am thinking of ending the relationship if you wont". So he stopped.

We've always been open with each other about stuff we don't like. I used to have a tongue piercing (from before I met him) ge didn't like it and when it fell out he asked me not to put it back in. Same with my belly ring. I saw it as a give and take just being honest thing.

But that's not the same as how you're reacting to this now. He wasn't reading anything into your belly piercing, he just doesn't like it. Rightly or wrongly you're reading a lot into one painted nail. He's effeminate, you're humiliated, that's a lot. It's as if he never really told you why he wanted that dramatic change seven years ago and so you've been half-expecting something like it to happen again.

I've heard about these 'trans widows' and I've also told my husband about them in the past as I found it shocking. That's my point.

And that's what you feel you are? That's a huge leap.

pollypokcet · 27/09/2021 13:29

@dworky

His body, his choice. I would allow no-one to influence whatever I wear or present, it is literally nobody's business.

What's with replies like this? Is she confiscating the nail polish and shaming him? She just doesn't like it. He didn't wear it when they met, and most men don't.

I wouldn't like it either. My partner brought it up but I stated I do not find it attractive at all, so he must've forgot the idea.

Brokensunflower · 27/09/2021 13:29

I'm baffled how many people have told you you are in the wrong. I would hate my husband wearing nail polish too it is a culturally feminine thing to do and would look very out of place.

VestaTilley · 27/09/2021 13:29

I’d suggest not playing with makeup with your toddler; it just normalizes girls having to make themselves up and improve their looks.

But no, I wouldn’t be hugely comfortable with a DH wearing nail varnish - but I also don’t wear it or wear makeup anymore.

Keep out for signs of auto gynephilia... though hopefully that’s not what he’s up to...

MultiStorey · 27/09/2021 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babochan88 · 27/09/2021 13:30

I mean to me bit of varnish on a pinky isn’t that big a deal. But if it is to you, fair enough. It obviously bothers you a lot. So you should deffo have a frank and serious chat with your DP

GAW19 · 27/09/2021 13:30

This reply has been deleted

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ZealAndArdour · 27/09/2021 13:34

YABU.

Practicebeingpatient · 27/09/2021 13:35

You seem to have very fixed ideas about nail varnish being a reflection of sexual orientation. You don't want your DH to wear nail varnish because it sends a message that he is effeminate and/or gay. This makes no sense. My brother and his husband are both definitely gay but neither of them are effeminate and neither of them wear nail varnish. Perhaps I should suggest they start so they can out themselves as proper gay men?

And you say you don't often wear nail varnish yourself - does that mean on the days you aren't wearing it you are signalling to the world that you are butch and/or lesbian instead of the feminine, straight woman you are when you wear your nail varnish?

What about toenail varnish? How does that work?

interest12 · 27/09/2021 13:35

You sound incredibly shallow. But i guess if that’s who you are then crack on

namechangetheworld · 27/09/2021 13:35

He said it reminded him to be creative.

Ugh. Wankiest thing I've ever heard. DH saying this would put me off more than the actual nail varnish, although I wouldn't be hugely keen on that either.

Tootshoots · 27/09/2021 13:36

Plenty of people will tell you your wrong to feel like that op but I would feel exactly the same. I'd be horrified & completely turned off him. I would also be worried about what the hell is going on with him.

ClawedButler · 27/09/2021 13:36

If you want to leave your partner because of nail varnish, I would suggest that it's not about the nail varnish at all.

It's about you not trusting him. And we can't possibly say whether that lack of trust (that he is straight and committed to you) is justified or not based on what you've said here.

Strangevipers · 27/09/2021 13:36

@Bonusjonas

"I don't wear nail varnish unless it's a special occasion like a wedding because I think it's pointless and shallow so I'd find it hard to understand why my husband would want to "

If it’s pointless and shallow why wear it to a wedding?

Because I've been a bridesmaid and the bride has asked me to have my nails done the same as the other bridesmaids - just respecting my friends and or family's wishes on that point

GiraffeClimber · 27/09/2021 13:36

You’re just being honest about how you feel but I find it difficult to get worked up about this to be honest. I’m not sure I’d care.

imagen · 27/09/2021 13:38

You lot are alright with your husband getting hot pink acrylic nails, yes? His body, it shouldn't affect you.

I wouldn't want nail polish on my husbands stubby fingers either.

Presuming he might be gay is a bit of a stretch, but perfectly normal not to like it

Tsubasa1 · 27/09/2021 13:39

Men wearing nail polish is definitely a trend right nkw. I also don't see a problem.

MrsRobbieHart · 27/09/2021 13:40

but it sounds from her posts more like OP wants to leave her husband than the other way around.

Which is missing the point. OPs concern isn’t that her DH wants to leave her. It’s that he is gay and doesnt want to leave her so isn’t telling her. To avoid having the difficulty of breaking up and having to come out as a gay man with a family who are conservative Christians with all the implications of that for him. It’s by far the easier option for him just to keep things as they are and, if he is gay, keep it on the QT.

Branleuse · 27/09/2021 13:41

I think youre massively overreacting, and I just cannot relate to how strongly you feel about nail polish on men. Its not like hes started wearing mini skirts. Nail polish is quite discreet. Its not exactly a massive sign of masculinity, but I dont think it is a slippery slope to suddenly proclaiming himself transgender or gay. Its just nail polish and I expect some men just like the way it looks, just like some women do.

Will you dump him if he decides he wants to keep wearing it?

lockdownalli · 27/09/2021 13:42

I am a bit confused. This looks like a GIGANTIC leap to me.

If I have understood correctly from your posts OP, your DH has never given you reason to think he might be gay, as you say this is "out of the blue"

So how have you jumped to that conclusion just because he popped a bit of polish on one finger nail because it helps him to remember to be more creative? I just can't equate the two.

So unless this really isn't "out of the blue" as you originally stated, and we are now going to get some huge drip feed about how you found gay porn etc, you sound a bit deranged tbh.

lovelybitofsquirrell · 27/09/2021 13:42

If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans

Fuck me - thats a stretch

Derbee · 27/09/2021 13:45

This thread is a bit misleading. It’s not just about nail polish. You’re having marital problems, and you’ve clearly suspected your husband for a while. This might be the hill you choose to die on, but your issues are bigger than a man painting his pinky with a silver sharpie.

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 13:46

It isn’t about nail varnish. In what ways has he been been creative that would support his statement that it’s a reminder to be creative. Can masculine people not be creative?

OP is the one that has made it about him being feminine/masculine. For all we know he doesn’t associate what he’s doing with his own masculinity, so it’s not that he’s becoming more feminine to become creative, it’s more like writing something on the back of your hand to remember it.

Is this about boundary pushing, and manipulating you to accept something, so that the next boundary can be eroded in a few weeks or months?

I struggle to see how OP’s husband colouring his own nail could be construed as him manipulating her.

Samuraisammy · 27/09/2021 13:46

OP. I think there’s quite a few posters telling porkies on here.
It would make me feel uncomfortable, not because of what it is but because it’s a shift on what I ‘signed up for’. I think it then makes you question what’s next? Where does it end or manifest?

I don’t think you’re helping matters by describing it so strongly as ‘humiliating’ - you’re just going to push him away and drive a wedge.

I know this sounds odd and sorry if someone else posted it, but has he begun watching drag race?? Not saying he’s going to begin cross dressing don’t worry!!! But just wondered if it’s made him more comfortable with wearing something playful.

I think you just need to be honest with him in a sincere way, if you got off on the wrong foot, and explain that it’s not just a hobby it’s changing your appearance and you have the right to still want to feel attracted to your OH. It would be like you deciding to get a few tattoos, piercings etc (think of whatever turns him off) and carrying on regardless of how he feels.

I honestly think all of this ‘can do what he wants’ idea isn’t really fair on OP. When you ‘chose’ your partner, you’re drawn to what’s attractive to you/each other. I think it’s selfish to the switch it up ten years, twenty years later because like I said earlier it’s not what you signed up for. YANBU but go steady on him, and explain you don’t mind that he’s tried it, but that’s where is stops on the femininity because you’ve realised it makes you feel uncomfortable and less attracted etc,