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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:

tempester28 · 27/09/2021 13:16

I agree with you I don't think it is a good look on a man.

Nahhh · 27/09/2021 13:16

I’d hate my partner to wear nail polish.

SunshineCake1 · 27/09/2021 13:16

I assume he wouldn't go out with make up applied by a toddler?

I think you're a bit pathetic tbh. Nothing wrong in wanting to wear nail polish on a little finger fgs.

MrsRobbieHart · 27/09/2021 13:16

but if he were gay then presumably he would have taken that opportunity to break up and he didn’t.

This is incredibly naive tbh.

ememem84 · 27/09/2021 13:17

I’m somewhere in the middle here. If DH wanted to wear nail polish then meh whatever. His body his choice.

But I also see from the ops perspective that she wants to be with someone who shares the same beliefs as her about marriage sexuality etc. So if it did turn out that her DH was gay/trans/whatever. Then I can see why she’d be upset. Because someone she thought she shared things with is now a different person.

FlippinCovid · 27/09/2021 13:17

Unpopular opinion apparently but I wouldn't like it at all. It would make me question if something was up, especially in this day and age of gender being such a big thing. We have 12 year old girls at school announcing they are gender fluid like it's a trend. It's everywhere in life and the media these days with some big celebs coming out saying the same so if someone was ever going to start feeling more confident about embracing or rather than hiding it, well now would be the time.

My best friends dad came out as gay last year, he had been married to her mum since secondary school. Admitted he always knew but didn't want to be gay, wanted kids and a family and back then he felt that was his only one. Said he loved her and always had but not in that way. Her mum is still incredibly depressed and feels like she wasted her life, besides having her kids. Really hard thing to digest. I couldn't let it lie if I had any concerns.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 27/09/2021 13:18

I was intrigued about this, as none of the men I know who wear nail varnish are gay, and in fact none of the gay men I know wear nail varnish at all. So I just had a quick google of actors wearing nail varnish. The first few names which came up were: Brad Pitt; Jason Mamoa; Keanu Reeves; Andrew Garfield; Chris Hemsworth.

Not generally considered ‘effeminate’. Not, to my knowledge, gay. Not in the first flush of experimental youth, either.

OP, you can dislike something your husband does. Or something he wears. You can suspect he’s gay from the way he behaves. But the nail varnish thing on its own is a pretty poor indicator of anything other than the fact he likes the look of a painted nail.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 27/09/2021 13:18

Anyone can wear nail varnish. It's very common for men to wear it on the pagan scene. Don't be weird.

FlippinCovid · 27/09/2021 13:18

Been with her mum since secondary school, that should read. they married when they were 20.

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 13:19

MN is so far detached from reality

Or maybe in reality other people don’t care so much what their partners do to a random bit of keratin on their body?

Pricklypear12 · 27/09/2021 13:19

Quite frankly, nail varnish on men puts me off my dinner. I, however, love wearing it myself and find it very feminine and pretty. MN can have a meltdown over it if they want but it is what it is

OneTC · 27/09/2021 13:20

I don't agree that OP has to like it or not care about it, people are entitled to all sorts of views. She shouldn't impose them on other people though

It's a fucking leap to say that it makes you potentially gay or closeted

Just10moreminutesplease · 27/09/2021 13:21

If this real then I really hope you don’t have sons.

If your husband is gay banning him from wearing nail polish won’t change anything.

MysteriousMonkey · 27/09/2021 13:21

@nailvarnishhubby I wouldn't like it either and would find it a turn off. And I'm allowed to find whatever I like a turn off, as are you. You are also allowed to question if it means anything. It doesn't make you transphobic! As to whether it does mean anything, who knows, it seems strange for him to start painting his nails now but I cut my long hair short for the first time this year for no reason other than to try it. Hopefully that's all this is.

Lordamighty · 27/09/2021 13:22

I wouldn’t be happy if my DH wanted to wear nail varnish, it looks ridiculous on men, even the actors mentioned above.

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 13:22

Maybe it is naive @MrsRobbieHart but he did choose the OP and go on to commit further by getting married and having a child rather than explore whatever else. Obviously we don’t know the details of the problems they’ve been having but it sounds from her posts more like OP wants to leave her husband than the other way around.

Pricklypear12 · 27/09/2021 13:24

Really interested to know if all the above MNetters who are flaming OP for her own preferences would be ok with their husbands wearing a skirt or a pair of heels?????

And before anyone says it's different to nail varnish, no it's not.

Comedycook · 27/09/2021 13:24

You can accept that someone has the right to do something whilst also disliking it and it being a deal breaker.

Theoretically of course, if a man wants to wear nail varnish, he can. However, for me, I wouldn't want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with a man who does. Just as I don't want to date thin men, blonde men, men who can't drive, vegan men, men who play guitar at house parties, I could go on.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 27/09/2021 13:25

I don't see why it's that shocking that he's doing it now. Times have changed and people are more accepting of it. It seems like he finally feels like he can do something he's been wanting to do for a long time. Not because he's gay or a woman stuck in a mans body, but because he thinks it looks nice. Why is that a problem? Who decided painted nails were for us and us alone?

We want to be allowed to do and wear what men do and wear, and why shouldn't we? Doesn't work the other way though, apparently. It's pretty fucking sad.

forthelaughs · 27/09/2021 13:25

Not everything is homophobic. Not wanting to be with a man who may come out as gay/trans in a number of years is not homophobic. OP is saying there's nothing wrong with that if that was the case, she just doesn't want to be someone's 'cover,' or be with someone for a number of substantial years (10 years+) just for them to come out and say they're gay/trans when they can let her know now. It's all very simple and I don't see why people are trying to twist her words.

I wouldn't be able to take my man seriously if he wore nail varnish but I think that's because it'd be totally out of character for him. Each to their own but I don't think the OP should be bashed for her views

Stovetopespresso · 27/09/2021 13:26

my ex, df of dd1 wore nail varnish and mascara sometimes. I never told him to take it off but it was another nail in the "eeeew" / eye roll coffin and we split up.

you can't help your prejudices/ expectations I think.

I hardly ever wear make up and never nail varnish!

lnsufficientFuns · 27/09/2021 13:27

@Pricklypear12

Really interested to know if all the above MNetters who are flaming OP for her own preferences would be ok with their husbands wearing a skirt or a pair of heels?????

And before anyone says it's different to nail varnish, no it's not.

Yea. Yes it really is different?

Bit of paint on a fingernail be an entirely different mode of dressing?

I wouldn’t give a shit personally.

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 13:27

[quote Blindleadingtheblind]@Getyourownback - I'm genuinely not picking up on 'there's more to it'. All I'm seeing is a guy who wants to paint his nails and his wife implying he is gay rather than just being 'well I dont particularly like it, but if it floats your boat then fill your boots'[/quote]
He evaded answering as he has done in the past. I am genuinely wondering if there is more to it. He comes from a stricter culture than me - it's far far less acceptable in his world than mine and I suspect he would find it hard to admit it. Hence my concern about spending my life with someone who is actually living a lie

It was this element that made me wonder. And it has been illustrated yet further with the OP’s subsequent posts.

She’s getting a very, very hard time on here. And so many posters are being extremely aggressive (they’d say they’re being ‘direct’) for the sake of it.

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 13:27

If this real then I really hope you don’t have sons

I can't believe someone needs it spelling out to them that the OP may well not care about her son doing something that she personally finds sexually unattractive!

NortieTortie · 27/09/2021 13:28

Yanbu for not liking it, i don't find it particularly attractive either, but yabu for thinking this might mean he's secretly gay.

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