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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/09/2021 13:02

It's spectacularly missing the point to say that X person wears it. The point is that OPs husband didn't and now he does or wants to. And she isn't obliged to be okay with it

SealHouse · 27/09/2021 13:02

Reading this thread I had to check I hadn't stumbled onto twitter by accident. So many woke responses from the cool girls. Ignore them OP, these people have forgotten how to think for themselves, it's so much easier for them to parrot woke maxims and throw around insults. You are not 'homophobic', 'toxic, a 'hypocrite' nor do you need to 'get a fucking grip'.
You are perfectly entitled to feel how you feel. If you are uncomfortable with this nail polish thing, that is your right. I too would find this odd. A 38 year old man suddenly starting to wear nail polish is not the same as a cool 20 something boyfriend wearing guyliner blah blah harry styles blah. Context is everything, but the hard of thinking on this thread don't do contextual subtleties. So ignore them. I'm not sure what to advise as you haven't really given much background info on your relationship and any other things that may be bothering you. I just wanted to give you some support because your thread seems to have attracted a woke mob. You are not being unreasonable. Trust your own instincts.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/09/2021 13:03

I just want to be in an open and transparent marriage with someone who shares the same values and preferences as me.

Well that's part of the problem. You're basically saying, different values and preferences = marriage over. So he's not going to tell you anything about his values and preferences that might potentially be different from yours until he is ready to end the marriage. You need to be more open to finding out about who he is and what he wants without instantly shutting him down.

FoxgloveSummers · 27/09/2021 13:03

I wouldn’t believe the creativity bit (does he actually have a creative job or do a lot of creative stuff?) and would also worry about what it represented. Clearly he’s not convinced you it’s “just” the nails. If my DP wanted to borrow my nail varnish it would come down to the context - are there other reasons to worry he could be gay/confused about his sexuality or gender? Is he a good husband in other ways?

FinallyHere · 27/09/2021 13:03

unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public

I am very sorry that this is your immediate reaction. Honestly, I encourage you to do some self reflection so that you can work out why you have internalised these messages.

What does it really matter to you, if he wants to wear nail varnish, or anything else for that matter.

Think David Beckham

For the record, my parents were very far from politically correct. It was important for me to do what I think is correct rather than just following their norms. I'm glad I live in a free society where things like this are very much up to me.

If you don't challenge the cultural norms of your parents, you will be trapped in them forever. If you support your husband in what he wants to do, what would you care what anyone else thinks.

Laugh at them. Shrug your shoulders.

Focus on the important things.

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 13:04

What was he wearing that made you uncomfortable, a mankini? A tshirt that said ‘I am gay’? This is all very odd

HalzTangz · 27/09/2021 13:04

@theleafandnotthetree

I have literally never seen a heterosexual man wearing anything within the broad makeup family, including nail varnish. Maybe I have led a very sheltered life....
Every hetrosexual actor on TV wears makeup, so you have seen it just not taken notice
Rhubarbsoup · 27/09/2021 13:04

I wouldn't find it attractive if DH started painting his nails, of course he is free to do what he wants and I'm sure many will think I'm shallow; that's fine. I'd still love him of course but would think eurgh. Not arsed what other men do on the whole mind, but I'd go with your instincts.

Brokeandtired3 · 27/09/2021 13:05

I think your getting a tough time on here op and to be honest I doubt many women on here (though they wont admit it) also wouldnt be happy about this. It's easy to be looking from ths outside in a thinking you would react a certain way but you never know to you are in it.

Personally I wouldnt be happy with my husband being into makeup or nail varnish. That isnt offensive nor is it homophobic. You are allowed to have a type and you are allowed to have a preference.

To the poster that said op is homophobic because op is worried she is married to a gay man what the hell. You've used that word completely out of context here. It doesnt make op homophobic at all. people love to get on the defense and dish out big words. OP you are entitled to be with a man that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Not a life of secrecy.

But, just because he does like his nails painted doesn't mean it equates to gim being gay. However if that is too much of a flamboyant trait for you and an major turn off than as pps said maybe you two arent as compatible as you first thought. And maybe if you are already having troubles then it's time to call it quits.

Because at the end of the day you can ask him not to paint his nails but it doesnt take away from the fact that, that is who he is and given the choice that is what he would want to do. Restraining him from doing so doesnt change that. And if it's the idea that your not on board I would just leave him instead of trying to make him suppress something that is true about himself that you arent happy with.

Skyla2005 · 27/09/2021 13:05

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
I get you. I would find it very weird especially if he had not expressed these interests before and I wouldn't like it either
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 27/09/2021 13:06

Personally I wouldn’t like it.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 13:06

Tbh it makes no difference to me if I sound transphobic or homophobic I'm not and I'm not going to start listing examples as to why I'm not either.

I've heard about these 'trans widows' and I've also told my husband about them in the past as I found it shocking. That's my point. I don't want to be used as cover when he actually wants to be with a man or is trans or whatever. And before anyone asks even if he was a lesbian trans I would not be interested not at all.

Please stop telling me about famous rockers. I know who they are. We do not listen to that type of music they aren't heroes of ours.

For people going on about my daughter she can marry or sleep with who ever she wants when she's old enough. I'm just saying I want my life partner to be a cis (hate that term) man who wants to be with a cis (grrr) woman. Simple.

Please can people stop coming at me all angry you won't change my views and I'm not trying to educate my family either.

OP posts:
dworky · 27/09/2021 13:06

His body, his choice.
I would allow no-one to influence whatever I wear or present, it is literally nobody's business.

RussianSpy101 · 27/09/2021 13:06

I wouldn’t like this either, OP and it would really put me off finding him attractive.

BlueSussex · 27/09/2021 13:06

I think he should LTB

Nopetryagain · 27/09/2021 13:06

OP I think you are getting a hard time here. I totally agree it is your husband's right to express himself how he wishes but you are not bigoted for questioning why the sudden change.

It also sounds like you have underlying suspicions.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 13:07

@Brokeandtired3

I think your getting a tough time on here op and to be honest I doubt many women on here (though they wont admit it) also wouldnt be happy about this. It's easy to be looking from ths outside in a thinking you would react a certain way but you never know to you are in it.

Personally I wouldnt be happy with my husband being into makeup or nail varnish. That isnt offensive nor is it homophobic. You are allowed to have a type and you are allowed to have a preference.

To the poster that said op is homophobic because op is worried she is married to a gay man what the hell. You've used that word completely out of context here. It doesnt make op homophobic at all. people love to get on the defense and dish out big words. OP you are entitled to be with a man that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Not a life of secrecy.

But, just because he does like his nails painted doesn't mean it equates to gim being gay. However if that is too much of a flamboyant trait for you and an major turn off than as pps said maybe you two arent as compatible as you first thought. And maybe if you are already having troubles then it's time to call it quits.

Because at the end of the day you can ask him not to paint his nails but it doesnt take away from the fact that, that is who he is and given the choice that is what he would want to do. Restraining him from doing so doesnt change that. And if it's the idea that your not on board I would just leave him instead of trying to make him suppress something that is true about himself that you arent happy with.

Thanks. You are right and I agree with what you're saying.
OP posts:
Acrasia · 27/09/2021 13:08

It’s somewhat homophobic to be thinking that just because he uses nail varnish on a single fingernail that he might be gay. Are there other, non appearance, signals that makes you think he might be? Even if he does find men attractive, it doesn’t mean he’s gay, he could be bisexual. But what you’ve given us to go on, I would say he’s most likely straight and probably listened to a podcast or read an article that says paining a fingernail is a good way to remind you to do something creative.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 13:09

@Acrasia

It’s somewhat homophobic to be thinking that just because he uses nail varnish on a single fingernail that he might be gay. Are there other, non appearance, signals that makes you think he might be? Even if he does find men attractive, it doesn’t mean he’s gay, he could be bisexual. But what you’ve given us to go on, I would say he’s most likely straight and probably listened to a podcast or read an article that says paining a fingernail is a good way to remind you to do something creative.
Hopefully it's something that simple. I really don't think so tho. Ahh this is not something I expected to deal with on a Monday morning ffs Sad
OP posts:
NellieEllie · 27/09/2021 13:10

Op I wouldn’t like it either. And I think it’s entirely reasonable to wonder why he’s suddenly doing it if he didn’t want to before. It’s not like he’s 22 or something.
I have no issue with any person wearing nail varnish, but eg my husband is completely unconcerned about appearance, wears old jumpers etc, so it would just seem weird for HIM to do it.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/09/2021 13:11

But what are the underlying issues, OP? It's impossible to tell if YANBU or if YABVU for being prepared to divorce him over painting one nail in a nude colour(!). Have you always struggled with your sex life? Have you caught him on Grindr or sending dick pics to other men? Has he been "joking" in bed about wearing your underwear? Does he seem overtly turned off by your more feminine features? Because one nude-painted nail does not make him not a cis man. What the heck is going on?!

Clarice99 · 27/09/2021 13:11

@MrsRobbieHart

Honestly, and I’m as gender critical as they come, I don’t believe in boys toys and girls toys etc. But honestly OP, I think he’s testing the waters and you can expect an announcement at some point. And I think you probably know this and that’s why you’ve had the reaction you’ve had.
I agree with @MrsRobbieHart

OP, this happened to a friend. Married for 10 years, her DH started off painting the odd nail, then she noticed he'd shaved his legs and shaped his eyebrows.

Long story short - the 'inaccessible' loft had become his dressing up space, women's clothes, wigs, make up, nail varnish.

Listen to your instincts Flowers

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 13:11

OP I think we just don’t understand why your DH painting his nails means he is secretly gay/trans/going to leave you. You’ve had a very extreme reaction to it but why can’t it just be a sign of creativity like he says? The fact that you challenged him about his clothes before and suggested a break but you are still together says to me that he really wants to be with you, and chose that at the expense of his own self expression. I think it was possibly unfair of you to ask him to make that choice, but if he were gay then presumably he would have taken that opportunity to break up and he didn’t.

ducksalive · 27/09/2021 13:15

My ds recently wanted to paint his nails and I was fine with this because he is exploring what kind of teen boy he wants to be.
I would be more concerned if my middle aged DH started doing this because it would be totally out of previous character and I would wonder what was driving the change.
If I had got together with a Bowie enthusiast who had always had this as part of their personality expression that is going to be very different to my DH who has previously never even considered such presentation.

Pricklypear12 · 27/09/2021 13:16

OP, I'd react the same away as you, actually probably react a lot more. Nail varnish or makeup on men is absolutely horrendous and I would not want to be married to a man who wears those things either. MN is so far detached from reality! Like as if you HAVE TO accept these things otherwise you're a horrible human. I'd be having some very stern words with your DH