Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
RickJames · 27/09/2021 12:54

Our chimney sweep wears nail polish and eyeliner!

He's a big hairy metal fan though so I've never really considered him effeminate. He also has punk studs decorating his boiler suit and tool bag. He's a real character.

Are you concerned that this is the thin end of the wedge with your husband and he's eyeing up your dresses? I mean, 1 nail.. it's nothing really.

ABCDEF1234 · 27/09/2021 12:54

I haven't read beyond the first page but I think some responses are unreasonably harsh. I agree with you, not a chance would I be happy with hubby wearing nail varnish. Playing with a toddler with make up and removing it that day /before leaving the house I would be fine with (as I think it sounds like you would be also), but wanting to wear it would also have me questioning the relationship

QueenoftheKarens · 27/09/2021 12:54

You need to get a grip. Wearing nail varnish doesn't make him gay or trans.
Sounds like your marriage will never work.

Bobsyer · 27/09/2021 12:55

See, I wouldn’t like this either.

My husband is 40. If he suddenly started experimenting with his appearance in such a way yes I’d be worried. He’s never ever been interested in bucking gender norms so starting now would ring alarm bells for me.

It’s nothing like a small child playing around with make up and nail polish. It’s nothing like a dad being accepting of a child doing it.

I actually quite like the ‘alternative’ look on men - but it’s different when it‘s not a complete out of the blue change for a grown adult.

Or maybe I’ve just read too many stories about trans widows.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/09/2021 12:55

I wouldn't like it either. And I reckon that the people on here who say it's fine, would change their tune if their own husbands out of the blue started to exhibit changes in how they present themselves to the world.

Fair enough if he'd always worn it and you'd married him knowing that this was part of his style. But if he presented to you as being not at all effeminate and now is behaving differently, of course you are entitled to not find that sexually attractive. No one gets to tell you that you have to feel any differently to how you do - attraction isn't really a choice.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 12:55

@WeAreTheWeirdosMister

This is so sad, he's creative and wants to show that side of himself off on a tiny part of himself to remind him to be creative.
I don't understand why tho? Why nail varnish? It breaks my heart to think I'm in some way stopping him from being happy. If he wants to wear make up even I honestly don't care my point is I don't want to be married to someone who does that. Im off to my mums for a few days anyway (pre planned) so I'll try and write down my feelings and leave him a letter maybe we can talk when we get back. I just want to be in an open and transparent marriage with someone who shares the same values and preferences as me. It doesn't mean I'd enforce those on someone else!
OP posts:
chestnutshell · 27/09/2021 12:56

This is a you problem, not a DH problem.

SafeMove · 27/09/2021 12:56

There is so much ore to this situation than a man painting his little finger.

The OP has said there was something 7 years ago with the way he dressed
The DH has said it was to remind him to 'be creative'
The OP has said they are hanging on by a thread.

There is no point berating the OP for feeling how she feels. People do not live in a vacuum and it is clear that this is hitting a nerve with the OP for a reason and she is offloading this onto the thread. Accusing her of having bigoted values etc isn't very useful, the way you feel about general 'groups' is very different to how you feel about an individual you have been in a long term, interpersonal relationship with. Emotional attachment affects responses to things. OP wants to maintain homeostasis in her family life and this small thing could signal a massive threat to that. There is nothing wrong with reacting to that threat with fear and worry.

darkconfession · 27/09/2021 12:57

A friend of mine wears it all the time. He's neither gay nor trans. He is 21 and it it goes with his image though not quite Machine Gun Kelly.

If my partner who is 55 and a builder started wearing it I would wonder why.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/09/2021 12:57

It was like a nude so didn't really show up.

If it doesn't show up it's not going to remind him to be creative is it?

I did question him about 7 years ago when he seemed to be going through a funny and phase and began dressing differently. It passed quickly and hasn't come up since

A "funny phase"? What kind of "funny"? He sounds a bit surpressed, though I can't tell if what he's supporessing is sexuality or just a general wish not to be utterly dull. Only you can find out.

Doglicks · 27/09/2021 12:57

Id be fucking horrified if my husband started wearing nail varnish, sorry.

Rainbow0821 · 27/09/2021 12:57

I'm with you OP on this, I would feel the same and the fact it came out of the blue.

trama · 27/09/2021 12:57

@Doglicks

Id be fucking horrified if my husband started wearing nail varnish, sorry.
Why, though?
burritofan · 27/09/2021 12:58

Going from “my husband uses a bit of Sharpie or nail polish on his little fingernail” to “he must be closeted, we’re living a lie, I would divorce him” is such an extreme leap I’m wondering if there is much, much more to the story than what you’re telling us, or if you struggle with your mental health and issues of anxiety and control. It’s so bizarre.

Granllanog · 27/09/2021 12:58

I wouldn't like it if my dh of 17 years suddenly started wearing nail varnish as it would be totally out of character for him.

rookiemere · 27/09/2021 12:58

I'll probably get thrashed for this, but if I decided to shave all my hair off and wear mens suits DH would likely have something to say about it. Sure it's my own body and appearance and technically I can do what I like with it, but it's a bit faux naive to say it wouldn't make any difference to DH and other peoples opinions on him/us our marriage.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/09/2021 12:58

@nailvarnishhubby

Thanks for all the replies. I'm struggling to reply but I've read them all.

Just to clarify

  • we aren't Christians our families are.
  • we aren't tories or super conservative. Neither are our families I meant in terms of old school values
  • are families are not British
  • we don't read the mail or the sun
  • I am not homophobic or transphobic but not particularly concerned about being welcoming to my husband if he is as he's had 14 years to tell me and I have a child with him
  • no other signs but I did question him about 7 years ago when he seemed to be going through a funny and phase and began dressing differently. It passed quickly and hasn't come up since
OK, I've now read all the posts (hadn't before, apologies) - it seems as though there are 'issues' in your relationship and you're not really happy with him and maybe vice versa.

I think you do sound a bit homophobic or transphobic if these issues apply to your DH and you're thinking he is that way because he chooses to wear nail polish now and going through a funny phase and dressing differently, need more context re that really.

But I don't think you're compatible at heart, after 14 years and with a child.

sashh · 27/09/2021 12:58

Hands over a grip.

My carer has his nails painted, usually black or silver or a combination.

Penn Jillette has one nail painted.

In Buffy Oz and Spike both wore nail varnish.

Adam Ant, Johnny Depp, Ozzy Osborne, Seal, Steve Tyler all rock coloured nails.

BurntO · 27/09/2021 12:59

You’re being a dick about it.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 12:59

@ShaneTheThird

Oh so it's not a new out of the blue thing he tried to change his style 7 years ago as well and you shot him down then as well.

The fact you keep asking if he is gay/trans sounds like you are bullying him now, bringing up the same thing repeatedly to catch him out simply because he wants to experiment with his personal style.

We weren't married then and didn't have a child. I didn't shoot it down I questioned the change - it was dramatic - and said I wasn't comfortable and did he feel he needed time apart. He said no and phased the outfits out. We've always been open with each other about stuff we don't like. I used to have a tongue piercing (from before I met him) ge didn't like it and when it fell out he asked me not to put it back in. Same with my belly ring. I saw it as a give and take just being honest thing. He would not leave the house with me if I for example shaved my hair off or started wearing mens clothes no fucking way!!
OP posts:
PattyPan · 27/09/2021 12:59

What ‘values’ preclude a man from colouring his nail silver? Confused

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 13:00

Think I need to step away for a while I'm getting all worked up Sad

OP posts:
Brefugee · 27/09/2021 13:00

I have never thought of Ozzy as being 'effeminate'

but Ozzy is a knob and ever was and if Sharon had posted hear years ago the chorus of "LTB!" would have been deafening Grin

NigellaSeed · 27/09/2021 13:01

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Oh, get a fucking grip. It's nail polish not bottom surgery. It's fun.
GrinGrin
Bobsyer · 27/09/2021 13:01

@sashh

Hands over a grip.

My carer has his nails painted, usually black or silver or a combination.

Penn Jillette has one nail painted.

In Buffy Oz and Spike both wore nail varnish.

Adam Ant, Johnny Depp, Ozzy Osborne, Seal, Steve Tyler all rock coloured nails.

So what you’re saying is that it’s a documented and long-known aspect of their self-expression?

Not that after 15 year and as a grown adult they decided to start doing it?

Do you seriously not see the difference?!

Swipe left for the next trending thread