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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 27/09/2021 12:45

If you genuinely think this is about your husband exploring his sexuality, rather than his personal style, why wouldn’t you want to discuss that in a spirit of openness, rather than being angry about it? Why would you assume gay, rather than bisexual?

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2021 12:45

Oh stop hiding behind the 'culture' thing OP, it's boring.

If this is true and not just an abuse of the name change function, then just own your feelings.

And hopefully your husband will own his too and tell you to wind your neck in.

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2021 12:46

@HalzTangz

He is right, lots of men wear make up and nail varnish.

He was also right to say so I can wear make up but not varnish.

Could you not compromise, maybe let him wear it on his toes?

'Let' him 🤣🤣
Gonnagetgoing · 27/09/2021 12:46

It is totally up to him what he wears!

In fact it was popular with David Beckham back in 2002, my friend's boyfriend wore it then too:-

www.hellomagazine.com/celebrities/2002/07/10/beckhampolish/

link below:-

medium.com/@Grey_Sergeant/faby-italian-nail-couture-for-men-2a5e0dfbd59

Derbee · 27/09/2021 12:46

When I was looking for a particular shade of nail polish a few months ago, my DP suggested I paint the testers on his fingernails to see what they were like (I was already wearing nail polish). I painted 4 of his nails, chose my colour and he walked around for the rest of the day with painted nails until we got home.

Imagine me coming on to mumsnet to rant that he was gay/trans/in the closet/wasting my life living a lie.

I think a bit of perspective wouldn’t hurt. It’s only nail polish. Deeply conservative Christian family pressure is much more damaging

HalzTangz · 27/09/2021 12:47

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
Surely people within those cultures (ie - YOU, need to set a precedent and get with the times)
MrsPerfect12 · 27/09/2021 12:47

I wouldn't like my husband wearing nail varnish or eyeliner, I've seen guys do it as part of their style and think it's cool but it's not what I am attracted too and it's not my husbands usual style so a sudden change would also have me wondering...
My sons also occasionally want to wear nail polish if they see me doing mine but that's young kids. If they ended up trans or whatever fine but my husband springing it on me like yours has is not fine.
Good luck

AgathaAllAlong · 27/09/2021 12:47

I think one fingernail as a reminder to be creative is fine if it doesnt impact his employment prospects. I know quite a few gay and transgender people and if it's any consolation, none of the walk aound with one nail varnished...

FlatteredFool · 27/09/2021 12:48

I really need to know what colour the nail polish is OP.

Tistheseason17 · 27/09/2021 12:48

Sounds like there is more to this with longer standing issues and doubts about his sexuality, generally, OP.

It destroys relationships when deceit is involved, whatever the deceit is.

I would not choose to marry a gay/bi/trans person, as I'm sure they would not choose me and in the same way I prefer brunettes over blonds and I'm not a fan of muscly men.

Evading answering the question is the issue- not nail varnish.

sbhydrogen · 27/09/2021 12:48

I wouldn't necessarily reconsider my relationship, especially as you are married and have a daughter together, but I wouldn't want my DH doing that either.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/09/2021 12:48

@WorraLiberty

Oh stop hiding behind the 'culture' thing OP, it's boring.

If this is true and not just an abuse of the name change function, then just own your feelings.

And hopefully your husband will own his too and tell you to wind your neck in.

Also depending on what 'culture' you're from - it's fine to embrace wearing makeup which is what this is.

Loads of men wear concealer, foundation, mascara, eyeliner - and it's perfectly acceptable, in lots of countries. Quite a few men do keep 'male beauty' a secret in some cases, but times have progressed recently where it's definitely more acceptable and should be too.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/09/2021 12:48

No, op finding men in nail varnish doesnt make her a bigot. Implying her husband is in the closet does.
No it doesn't, it is OPs marriage and if she suspects her husband could potentially become a cross dresser, future trans or gay she has every right to question it.
I wouldn't like it OP it would definitely have tongues wagging in my family, if was an alternative dresser or into rock music it is more acceptable.

RobynNora · 27/09/2021 12:48

Your partner sounds fine. I wouldn’t assume he was gay and I’m sorry that you feel judged - that can’t be a nice feeling. Maybe your social circle is too narrow minded and it’s worth finding some more open minded sorts?

KurtWilde · 27/09/2021 12:49

He sounds fine. You need to get a grip.

todaysdilemma · 27/09/2021 12:50

You know there are a lot of cultures in South Asia where men, especially of the working classes, grow a long pinky nail and wear nail polish? Also, in a lot of men the middle east, men wear kohl in their eyes (protection against sun/dust).

This isn't about a 'culture', this is about your very specific social network's very outdated, old fashioned views about male sexuality. Wearing nail varnish on one nail is hardly cause for concern. You can dislike it if you want, but that's a 'you' problem - please don't base it on culture.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/09/2021 12:50

Those of us that like masculinity .. unapologetically don’t have to high five a man and like it.

The sad thing is not that she likes masculinity, it's that she'd feel humiliated in front of her friends. That bit isn't about what she likes at all.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/09/2021 12:50

My sons also occasionally want to wear nail polish if they see me doing mine but that's young kids
Well, exactly. The only difference with young kids is they haven't yet been bombarded with lots of shit about gender roles and initiated into toxic, misogynist masculinity.

Why don't we recognise that that simple, childlike "pretty colours!" joy is a good thing, and create more space for adult men to feel it, rather than make sure we get busy stamping it out of our male children so that as adults they can Conform?

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 12:51

@FlatteredFool

I really need to know what colour the nail polish is OP.
I don't wear nail varnish often, I can't remember the colour but it was nothing too bright and he didn't like it. It was like a nude so didn't really show up. He was using a silver sharpie.
OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 27/09/2021 12:52

@nailvarnishhubby

Thanks for all the replies. I'm struggling to reply but I've read them all.

Just to clarify

  • we aren't Christians our families are.
  • we aren't tories or super conservative. Neither are our families I meant in terms of old school values
  • are families are not British
  • we don't read the mail or the sun
  • I am not homophobic or transphobic but not particularly concerned about being welcoming to my husband if he is as he's had 14 years to tell me and I have a child with him
  • no other signs but I did question him about 7 years ago when he seemed to be going through a funny and phase and began dressing differently. It passed quickly and hasn't come up since
I’m sorry OP but I think I think your instinct is spot on here.

Added to the fact you say you have been having problems generally but are on the verge of sorting them, and then he does this? I suspect he has already checked out of the marriage (or at very least he is exploring his options) and is intent on living his new life now whether you stay married or not.

ShaneTheThird · 27/09/2021 12:52

Oh so it's not a new out of the blue thing he tried to change his style 7 years ago as well and you shot him down then as well.

The fact you keep asking if he is gay/trans sounds like you are bullying him now, bringing up the same thing repeatedly to catch him out simply because he wants to experiment with his personal style.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 27/09/2021 12:53

This isn’t really about nail varnish. It’s ok to divorce your husband if it’s not working even if he doesn’t confirm any suspicions you have about his sexuality or gender identity. It doesn’t matter if he actually is gay or trans at all actually. It sounds like you would rather be in a relationship where you are sure your partner is actually attracted to you and you to them.

daisyjgrey · 27/09/2021 12:53

I could not give one single shit if my husband wore nail varnish.

In fact, if he was any good at it I'd get him to do mine and it'd save me a job.

Get over yourself, you sound like a twat.

Lovealovestory · 27/09/2021 12:53

you dont really sound compatible tbh

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 12:53

I said rockstars wear nail polish without seeming feminine. Any other man who isn’t a rock star. It’s feminine to wear it.. in my opinion. I don’t find it attractive.. but there are rock stars that wear nail polish that I find attractive. I wouldn’t call Ozzy Osborne or Lenny Kravitz feminine but they wear nail polish. But let’s be honest.. rock stars can pull off a lot of things non rock stars can’t.

But if my non rock star husband was wearing nail polish.. no I would be turned off. He’s not a rock star and I would associate it with being feminine.

Women are allowed to be turned off by things men wear. And many married couples wear things/don’t wear things for their partner. Marriage involves alot of compromise. Her asking husband not to wear nail polish isn’t a big ask in my opinion.

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