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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give away SDs pet?

141 replies

turtletaub · 26/09/2021 21:51

SD (12 years old) has a tortoise that she begged for 1 or 2 years ago and no longer looks after despite the constant nagging to feed it, give fresh water, bathe it. It's hardly a high maintenance pet, and everyday I am the one making sure it's ok. She's not interested. It would simply die if I stopped looking after it.
My partner agrees that we should rehome it, but it's sure to cause some huge devastation (she's almost 12). I think it's the right thing to do though. It's not without warning - we have said we will rehome it previously if doesn't take care of it and hasn't given it water for 2 weeks. Am I being the cruel step mum?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/09/2021 08:48

Yes to rehoming OP, but absolutely insist your waster partner arranges and take responsibility.

Kindly meant, but avoid having children with the waster.

You deserve better.

Flowers
HalfTermHalfTerm · 27/09/2021 08:49

I would make her a checklist of things she needs to do to look after the tortoise and put it somewhere prominent. Give her a set length of time to buck her ideas up (say 2 or 4 weeks) and if she’s still neglecting it then rehome him. I agree that as she’s a child your partner should have ‘final’ responsibility over any pet but to not give it any water for 2 weeks is ridiculous. She can’t actually be that attached to him if she’s neglecting him like that.

KippersHangover · 27/09/2021 08:57

Rehome it.

I have one. They are not just some easy pet you can get away with chucking a few bits of food at every now and then.

It's important that they are cared for properly, including hibernation which can go very wrong if not done properly.

I would find someone who had kept tortoises before, there are people who are experienced with this sort of pet and they tend to have a few of them, lizards, snakes etc...

KippersHangover · 27/09/2021 09:01

Really? So all animals “neglected” by kids - which the parents agreed to getting - should be shunted off to new homes?

YES. If they are going to receive better, more dedicated care somewhere else then YES.

I'm not saying it's right to just get animals whenever we fancy and then get rid of them. OPs DP shouldn't have got this bloody tortoise in the first place.

But they are not just some simple pet to look after, they can require quite complex care sometimes and if OP isn't willing to do that or her partner then absolutely YES it should go somewhere where someone will and wants to. For the animals sake.

Topseyt · 27/09/2021 09:03

@Limejuiceandrum Your "joke" was not funny because, sadly, there are people who do neglect animals in this way and they can die horrible deaths.

I once lived in a block of flats. There was one truly dreadful family on the ground floor. Noisy, antisocial behaviour, motorbike and other things kept in the bath! Stinky.

They apparently kept dogs too. That was only discovered when they were finally evicted though as nobody had ever seen them. The emaciated bodies were found by the police and the firm who went in to clear the place. No sign of anything resembling food or water.

That's why it isn't a joke. It is actually very serious (a crime too) as people do actually do it, meaning that animals suffer and die totally unnecessarily.

There

KippersHangover · 27/09/2021 09:04

I never understand the insistence on these threads that an animal stay with someone who doesn't want it just because.

Taking our the "lesson" for the OP, SD and DP, it is better for the animal to go somewhere it's actually wanted and will be cared for properly.

If someone is asking about rehoming a pet because they don't want it (and it's not just an issue they are having which they want to solve)then the answer, for the animals sake, should always be yes do it and then don't buy anymore bloody animals. Not just "no keep it and let it have a miserable life where it's unwanted because you got it".

Lavender24 · 27/09/2021 09:05

@Limejuiceandrum

Really weird that you would even think it’s anything to do with you It’s her father’s responsibility

Personally, I would let it die. See how that works out for them both

If you're being serious you are an absolutely disgusting person.
KippersHangover · 27/09/2021 09:05

Taking out**

Lavender24 · 27/09/2021 09:08

If your partner isn't going to care for the animal himself then yes I think you should rehome it. I rescue rodents and have taken is so many that were neglected by kids who got bored of them. It's really sad that the parents couldn't be arsed to care for them in the first place but I am glad they have a better life now. I really do wish people would stop buying animals as entertainment for children. They aren't toys.

Biscuits1 · 27/09/2021 09:16

My mum gave away my pet rabbit when I was younger that I had begged for. I was upset but it was the right decision as I hardly bothered with it.

Yarboosucks · 27/09/2021 09:22

I think her dad should tell her to design a rehoming poster for the tortoise as a first move. That may concentrate her mind

aSofaNearYou · 27/09/2021 09:24

Yes I would rehome it. It's very unfair that you've ended up carrying the mental load for this, it's not your problem.

I'd make it clear to tour partner that you're not doing anything to do with it anymore, which includes wasting your time worrying and nagging. So either he takes over the care/encouraging of his daughter, or he finds a new home for it. Don't let him think you are exaggerating, make it clear you mean it.

annacondom · 27/09/2021 09:28

@limejuiceandrum but it wasn't actually a "joke", was it? It was shorthand for "not my circus, I'm going to ignore it and if the bloody thing dies then it'll be their fault."

If it was, indeed, a "joke", then it failed.

KippersHangover · 27/09/2021 09:28

The problem with this situation and saying "just let your partner deal with it, it's nothing to do with you" is OP could end up in a catch 22.

I couldn't just watch an animal in my house be neglected so if her partner won't do it then the likelihood is that OP will. So it really is her business if she's the only one doing anything for the poor thing.

FrenchBoule · 27/09/2021 09:38

OP, sit down both of them and tell them that unless they pull their finger out the tortoise is going away.This way it is presented to both of them at the same time so your partner can’t shift the blame that it was entirely your decision and nobody expected it.

My father gave away our dog.
After several warnings and pleas to walk the dog, none of us wanted to do it.
One day we came back from school and the dog was gone. We were extremely upset then.

Now, several years later I know he made the right decision. It’s very selfish to give in to demands for a pet coming from a child if it’s not going to be cared for by anybody.

ButterflyAway · 27/09/2021 10:13

SD father was an utter twat getting a child a pet to care for alone - there’s not a child alive that can sustain interest in one thing for longer than a few months. Children are naturally selfish people (not in a mean way, they’ve just not finished growing and developing yet). Of course you should rehome the poor thing.

endofagain · 27/09/2021 10:39

Tortoises are protected and can only be bred and sold by reputable breeders.
Where did he get it from?
Most reputable pet shops will temporarily take some pets if the owner is ill or on holiday.
(I am just sorting out a situation with a reptile to be looked after as the owner is going into hospital).
So my suggestion would be to ask the place it came from to advise and help.
If the source wasn't legal, you have got another problem.

PurpleDaisies · 27/09/2021 10:49

^OP, sit down both of them and tell them that unless they pull their finger out the tortoise is going away.This way it is presented to both of them at the same time so your partner can’t shift the blame that it was entirely your decision and nobody expected it.*
Yes but instead of a vague “pull your finger out”, give a really specific list of what needs doing

WildfirePonie · 27/09/2021 11:05

Rehome the poor animal. They can live up to 100 years! Did DH not think of this? Does he expect his DD to still have it when she is 90 years old? That is some commitment!

Derbee · 27/09/2021 11:30

I don’t know who in their right mind would think that a child can commit to owning a pet for their ENTIRE life.

ShaneTheThird · 27/09/2021 11:41

@Furries so either way it needs rehoming as literally no one in that family wants it. I agree you shouldn't get pets for children unless you are prepared to shoulder the responsibility but in many cases that doesn't happen. And it leaves a situation like this, where an animal needs care and no one wants to provide it.

AmyDudley · 27/09/2021 12:22

See if there is a tortoise sanctuary/rescue anywhere near you.
My parents had a tortoise for over fifty years, after my Dad died and my Mum not long after went into a care home, she got the sanctuary to take the tortoise. It was a couple of women running it from their home and the whole house and garden was set up for retired/rescue tortoises to cater for their every whim. The tortoises were having a whale of a time.
Apparently people often abandon tortoises - or maybe they just outlive their owners so there may well be somewhere near you.
Your SD could probably visit it if it went somewhere like that.

Bit I agree giving a tortoise food and water is not an onerous task for a 12 year old - and she's been given chances, The tortoise deserves a better life. (My Dad absolutely lavished attention on his tortoise well over and above its basic needs.)

SuperstarDog · 27/09/2021 12:29

My Dad absolutely lavished attention on his tortoise well over and above its basic needs.

That’s lovely. 😊
And the sanctuary sounds perfect too. I think you can tell a lot by how people treat animals.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 27/09/2021 12:33

Poor tortoise. Find out what it needs in terms of care.

If no one in the house can / is willing to provide that care, then it'd be best to re-home it via a reputable organisation.

Saoirse82 · 27/09/2021 12:34

[quote SpidersAreShitheads]@Limejuiceandrum - I have to confess I laughed at your comment, think it was the sheer ridiculousness of it and how unexpected it was.

Obviously I'm very happy that it WAS just a sarcastic comment/joke, I did suspect that was the case but wasn't 100% sure til you clarified.

And obviously I'm not laughing at the idea of actually letting an animal die, that would be cruel beyond words. OBVIOUSLY that's not funny.

But silly and unexpected comments just make me cackle.[/quote]
Neither of you have any sense of humour, because it wasn't even remotely funny 🙄

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