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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about my experience in London as an obese woman?

162 replies

highhopes321 · 26/09/2021 21:33

I am 29 and have gained about 5 stone in the last 3 years due to insulin resistant PCOS and genuinely eating too much. I am 14 stone 8 (5 foot 3) and carry it mainly in my stomach area. For instance Jeans that I buy are a size 18 and they fit comfortably around my middle but they're baggy on my legs.

Anyway, since I've gained this weight I have noticed I have became more or less invisible to the opposite sex bar a few particular men. I've accepted that, this is where I am at the moment, I need to either do something about it or accept it.

However, last time I was in London I was 9 stone 7. This time obviously I am 5 stone heavier and I have honestly never felt so invisible but also been met with such hostility and judgement in my life. I don't mean invisible in the sense that men don't check me out or give me attention, they don't - but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean proper disdain for my weight.

For instance I was at a club last night, I couldn't find the toilets and asked a man in passing where they were, he said 'do I look like I work here?' I've never experienced anything like that when I was slim. Me and my friend would try and speak to people and were met with curtness and treated as if we were social pirañas.

I had been standing at the bar for ages and all the slim, pretty girls were getting served before me. If anyone made eye contact I would smile and be met with a look of disgust or disdain.

I went to the ned for my lunch yesterday and the waitresses would stare at my stomach and serve me with a smirk on their face almost a 'what is she doing here' look. The people I was with also noticed this.

Today on the flight back I noticed a woman keep staring at me, when we made eye contact I smiled and she literally scowled at me.

I know I'm large, I know that but I have good hygiene, I make an effort with how I look, do my make up, wear clothes that I think look nice and I am comfortable in. I'm very friendly.

This has worn me down as I literally have left London feeling like complete shit. It really had spurred me on to lose some weight so I suppose that is a good thing.

Just wondering if anyone else has been through this and AIBU to let this effect me?

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 27/09/2021 20:06

I'm not going to try and convince you your perception in wrong, or downplay your experience. But I will say that all it takes are 3 negative experiences for a bad opinion to form.
If you'd had 3 nice, friendly, polite interactions you would probably tuck them away and depart with a happy view.
I'm the same, and sometimes it's completely random, and sometimes it's biased because of many variables. It's impossible to tell.
I'm sorry you were hurt or dissatisfied. It's good to acknowledge your reactions and speak about it.

SingingInTheShithouse · 27/09/2021 20:09

It's not your weight. Bar taking up slightly more space. It's just london. My daughter then young daughter was in a wheelchair for a while & so even though I'm slim, we got the same sort of reaction & worse. How dare we take up even slightly more space.

Also, I learnt the hard way shortly after moving to london that for a large part, they don't like friendly people as they are often weirdos. I was all bright eyed & bushy tailed & talk to anyone coming down from the North. Took me 3 months to learn that the only people who spoke back were weirdos, perverts or occasionally it of towners & you soon learn to keep your head down

YouMeandtheSpew · 27/09/2021 20:12

I lost a significant amount of weight a few years ago and really noticed a difference in the way people - especially men - treated me. I don’t mean checking me out or chatting me up, I mean open hostility. There’s a certain kind of man who thinks that if a strange woman is overweight then it gives him licence to say whatever the hell he likes to her.

MaenadsJustWannaHaveFun · 27/09/2021 20:17

London for me has come to mean having people shove into my children, hostile stares when they hear my accent, my ankles attacked by belligerent pram harridans... every sort of pointless low level twattery.

It's not you, it's just them being ignorant fucknuggets.

GoGadgetGo · 27/09/2021 20:19

You may be a little bit paranoid.

I've been slim and I've had a bit of extra weight. At 5ft 11, I've been invisible, but that may have been more in my head than in reality. I'm sure someone has spotted me and you. Maybe you suffer from anxiety. I think we are our own worse critics.

Tempusfudgeit · 27/09/2021 20:22

'What appears to be coming at you is actually coming from you.'

scarpa · 27/09/2021 20:46

I weigh more than you and while I have noticed in some situations - usually where being generically attractive/slim is prized, like bars etc - that you feel a bit more invisible, mostly people don't treat me any differently now.

So I think maybe it's a combination of people just being dickheads generally (maybe a post-Covid thing like PPs have said!) and you feeling insecure so attributing it to how you look - it's a bit like when you've got a monster spot and you spend all day thinking everyone's staring at it, you're most aware of what you perceive to be your 'flaws', even if nobody else is actually interested.

It's horrible to feel so down on yourself, though. You should make changes - whether that's losing weight because you will feel better about yourself, or doing some work on body neutrality and your self image to remind yourself that your weight doesn't carry a moral association with it - because it's no way to live and you deserve to be happy and feel comfortable regardless of how you look.

RoobyMyrtle · 27/09/2021 20:56

No you're not imagining it. I'm overweight due to medication, aging and to be honest a bit scruffy (I've got a chronic health condition and can't wear make up, heels or dye my hair) I often get treated like I'm extremely stupid or in some way offensive. I stay local where people know and appreciate me

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2021 21:01

There’s an element here that’s not been mentioned. Which is sometimes when we are unhappy wirh our appearance we behave differently to when we are happy and confident with how we look

The ops clearly stated she’s unhappy about her appearance. She likely behaves differently now than when she did when she was 9stone odd. She will come across differently. And people react to that.

Some of what she mentions maybe is to do with her weight, male reaction for one, maybe the man would have been nicer if she’d been a healthy weight, arseholes abound,,the waitresses all smirking at her tummy (although I find that odd, they were all at it? ) . Maybe not the woman who scowled though, she likely thought thr op was staring at her and didn’t like it.

I’m not sure why the op asked a man where the women’s toilets were, personally I’d always ask a woman, so I wonder if she was just trying to break the ice with him and was dismayed about his reaction.

I guess what I’m trying to say is we behave differently when we don’t feel we look good and sometimes we look to interpret interactions in a way that validates our negative feelings about ourselves.

Crimeismymiddlename · 27/09/2021 21:09

I am fat, but found when I was a size twenty I was invisible to everyone-not just men. This suited me fine. Now I am a size 16 and have noticed in the last week or so that I am visible. People were never rude to me through, in fact I found in London everyone was nice.

LadyVersacee · 27/09/2021 21:11

I do think you could possibly be projecting OP, especially if you’re feeling down about your weight. I’ve spent a lot of time in London, both fat and thin and never noticed anyone being horrible about my weight.

I have noticed people are less friendly than up North though and some times people are just rude in general so it could be easy for you to think it’s because of your weight.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2021 21:19

Op was there an element of you and your mate going for a weekend in London, going to clubs etc and looking to pull, have a laugh, meet people etc and you were just disappointed it didn’t pan out that way and you felt self conscious about your appearance in comparison to the other women you saw?

Goatinthegarden · 28/09/2021 05:46

I think we do respond differently to each individual person depending on who we are and who it is interacting with us. We all have inbuilt prejudices based on the experiences we bring with us and it’s important to acknowledge to yourself, and challenge them, if you are to treat everyone kindly and fairly.

Too many people are quick to say that they don’t judge. Sometimes I do make snap judgments in my head about someone when I meet them for the first time, but I make an effort to check myself.

In the same vein, it is also natural to gravitate more, or respond more enthusiastically towards people who look appealing to you. That will be different for everyone, but it might be because you like their style, or the vibe they give off. If you are aware of this, you can work a bit harder on how you respond to people who you maybe wouldn’t automatically gravitate towards.

IntermittentParps · 28/09/2021 09:18

@SingingInTheShithouse

It's not your weight. Bar taking up slightly more space. It's just london. My daughter then young daughter was in a wheelchair for a while & so even though I'm slim, we got the same sort of reaction & worse. How dare we take up even slightly more space.

Also, I learnt the hard way shortly after moving to london that for a large part, they don't like friendly people as they are often weirdos. I was all bright eyed & bushy tailed & talk to anyone coming down from the North. Took me 3 months to learn that the only people who spoke back were weirdos, perverts or occasionally it of towners & you soon learn to keep your head down

Again, I'm sorry if you've had that experience but that is not the London I've lived in for 20 years. I talk to people all the time and it's not only the weirdos who talk back,
IsabelHerna · 29/09/2021 09:28

Oh dear, people are idiots... Due to PCOS I've been gaining weight and then trying to lose it, gaining and losing it, and so on.

Try to focus on yourself, like you said getting dressed how you like and feel comfortable, taking care of yourself etc. That's the important thing. Lots of hugs to you

GreyhoundG1rl · 29/09/2021 09:29

Oh dear, people are idiots...
What people?

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 29/09/2021 09:59

@Cactus1982

Aren’t they like this with everyone in London?
No.
Theoldprospector · 29/09/2021 10:03

I’ve gone from a 12 to an 18 in 3 years, and yes, I am now invisible.

Lavender24 · 29/09/2021 10:21

I have no experience being overweight so I won't say that you're wrong but I do agree with those saying that people (especially men) are often just rude and aggressive. I'm 4'11 and have a very small frame and constantly get spoken to like shit by middle aged men who see me as an easy target. Also can't get served at a bar.

MaenadsJustWannaHaveFun · 29/09/2021 10:22

I admit I am disappointed there are no offended Londoners popping up to defend themselves Joe Pesci-style. "Rude how? Do I upset you? How the FUCK am I rude?"

Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 10:59

I am roughly same height and weight as you but close on 60. I do know how you feel but I think you are feeling this way and focussing others shitty attitudes on your weight because you aren’t feeling happy generally— I get that, as neither am I. It also makes me feel sluggish and can’t be arsed— really is a viscious circle .

GreyhoundG1rl · 29/09/2021 11:04

Aren’t they like this with everyone in London?
What a bloody stupid statement Hmm

GianaSister · 29/09/2021 11:22

@MaenadsJustWannaHaveFun

I admit I am disappointed there are no offended Londoners popping up to defend themselves Joe Pesci-style. "Rude how? Do I upset you? How the FUCK am I rude?"
Isn’t he from New Joisey?
Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2021 11:39

I went to That London a couple of weeks ago.
I was expecting everyone to be a twat but all the people I interacted with from the Taxi driver to the Train station staff and people in shops etc were all really friendly and nice. To be fair I instigated most of the conversations but as an over friendly Northerner I was pleasantly surprised by how happy people were to chat
And I’m fat!

MaenadsJustWannaHaveFun · 29/09/2021 11:51

@GianaSister He soitainly is. But that's no reason for chippy buggers the world over not to channel him.Wink