To feel sad about my experience in London as an obese woman?

[highhopes321]

I am 29 and have gained about 5 stone in the last 3 years due to insulin resistant PCOS and genuinely eating too much. I am 14 stone 8 (5 foot 3) and carry it mainly in my stomach area. For instance Jeans that I buy are a size 18 and they fit comfortably around my middle but they're baggy on my legs.

Anyway, since I've gained this weight I have noticed I have became more or less invisible to the opposite sex bar a few particular men. I've accepted that, this is where I am at the moment, I need to either do something about it or accept it.

However, last time I was in London I was 9 stone 7. This time obviously I am 5 stone heavier and I have honestly never felt so invisible but also been met with such hostility and judgement in my life. I don't mean invisible in the sense that men don't check me out or give me attention, they don't - but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean proper disdain for my weight.

For instance I was at a club last night, I couldn't find the toilets and asked a man in passing where they were, he said 'do I look like I work here?' I've never experienced anything like that when I was slim. Me and my friend would try and speak to people and were met with curtness and treated as if we were social pirañas.

I had been standing at the bar for ages and all the slim, pretty girls were getting served before me. If anyone made eye contact I would smile and be met with a look of disgust or disdain.

I went to the ned for my lunch yesterday and the waitresses would stare at my stomach and serve me with a smirk on their face almost a 'what is she doing here' look. The people I was with also noticed this.

Today on the flight back I noticed a woman keep staring at me, when we made eye contact I smiled and she literally scowled at me.

I know I'm large, I know that but I have good hygiene, I make an effort with how I look, do my make up, wear clothes that I think look nice and I am comfortable in. I'm very friendly.

This has worn me down as I literally have left London feeling like complete shit. It really had spurred me on to lose some weight so I suppose that is a good thing.

Just wondering if anyone else has been through this and AIBU to let this effect me?

[Macncheeseballs]

Thehouselivein - exactly, black or even old can not be changed, other stuff can

[TheHouseILiveIn]

When I was a kid in what is now year 6 (so age 10) a 'friend' turned to me at our class party and said 'I can't believe Maria is dancing with a boy...and a black boy at that!' I fucking agreed with her even though I am black. If I could go back in time I'd throw her to the ground and punch her. I would have been expelled and nothing would have happened to her because racism was allowed back then in the 80s, but I'd still do it if I could go back in time. She was the popular girl so I had to concede I was a second class citizen and it was abhorrent for a black boy to deign to accept to dance with a white girl (she was Greek...not sure if that is white but whatever, she was above us)

You are upset because you think people are looking down on you because you carry some weight. I hope you're not ever prejudiced about people because if you are then you too treat people differently for things they can't change. But then I would say that you can change your weight if you really want to

[Lessofallthisunpleasantness]

Don't go to Japan then! Being overweight is one of the many no no's that are considered quite socially unacceptable. I guess it works as you don't seem to see any fat people there at all. I don't know if there aren't any, or they don't go out!

[dworky]

@Aqua55

Men give women attention = outcry
Men don't give women attention = outcry

Only on mumsnet...

Why bother then, It's clearly below your standards?

[Darkchocolateandcoffee]

I don't have experience of being obese in London but I do think it is one of the least judgmental places in the world.

I'm sorry you are upset by your visit OP.

[Somethingsnappy]

@Lessofallthisunpleasantness

Don't go to Japan then! Being overweight is one of the many no no's that are considered quite socially unacceptable. I guess it works as you don't seem to see any fat people there at all. I don't know if there aren't any, or they don't go out!

Really? I didn't know this! What happens then? How do they portray their offence?

[whywomenkill]

This is classic mumsnet - make irrational assumptions - I am black 🤣

[TheHouseILiveIn]

@whywomenkill

This is classic mumsnet - make irrational assumptions - I am black 🤣

Exactly

[FrangipaniBlue]

I've been both obese and slim and there was a definite difference in how I was treated.

Men are much friendlier, more willing to hold doors open and ask if I need help with heavy bags and generally chattier since I lost weight.

Women on the other hand were friendlier when I was obese and noticeably look me up and down now that I'm slim.

[NCForthisxox]

I'm having a gastric sleeve done tomorrow I still get hit on not by strangers more in work or social situations which I'm glad as I wouldn't want strangers hitting on me and I haven't noticed anyone being horrible.

[Staffy1]

Ha, yes people might be forgiven for backing away from social piranhas.

[Leibham]

@Aqua55 At least read the post properly before making sweeping statements.

[NCForthisxox]

In the state's though I did I went on a night out and was called fat by some mean girls who were videoing their friend being drunk and I called them out saying it wasn't nice behaviour so they started calling me fat and being awful it was like something out of a film!

[Redruby2020]

Hi OP, I have to agree, from even just recent experience. I am fortunate that I haven't got the worst face, but then I've had so many comments like 'you've got such a pretty face, if you lose weight you will look amazing' 🙄
I've regularly had people stare or comment about me, I feel like why me and they seem to not notice the others walking around with top clinging to rolls of fat, which I could never dress like that, and some as big or bigger than me! I wonder what it is sometimes.
Anyway I was in a shop most recently had taken notice of this couple(guy and girl, and she was no size 10 that's for sure!) And whilst she was browsing the guy was just stood there I happened to look upwards as I came in to that aisle, and we caught eyes, he said something to her, and she said very out loud 'I know, and the size of it' then giggled. So rude so nasty, but there we are. My outlook is, whether people say something or not, I still need to lose weight. It's just not their business. I could go on more about other comments but I don't want to bore you.

[SunscreenCentral]

The difference between us (humans) and apes is a sense of aesthetics.
We've been struggling with this for a long time. I'm sorry OP, hope your next visit to London is better

[Tuesdayschildisfairofface]

Im 9 st 10 and asked a guy in The supermarket where something was. He was a customer not an assistant. He was quite off with me. I think it was more to do with me thinking he was a supermarket assistant ( some people seem to think it’s too lowly for them I guess).

When I go to London I don’t notice much difference in how I’m treated by men. I wonder if people are picking up on your negativity about your appearance rather than the way you look. My friend is very fat but she gives off a warmth somehow. People of both sexes and all ages just respond to her very well. She has that quality that makes people feel they’ve known her forever after a short while. I don’t know what you’d call it but she has something that just attracts people to her. Her weight certainly isn’t a barrier to how she is treated.

[BungleandGeorge]

I think a minority do look down on, and treat overweight people with disdain. Many people are just rude to everyone. You’re probably also hypersensitive. As a size 18, I don’t think I’d particularly even notice your size personally.

[UrbanRambler]

YANBU to feel sad about the rude treatment, but I doubt it's all down to you being overweight. The man in the nightclub sounds like a rude tosser, and may habe been a bit drunk too, so not bothered about being polite. When bar staff are very busy a pretty or handsome face will catch their eye quicker than a plain one, that's just the way human brains are wired, IMO.

The situation on the plane - was it the case that you were slightly spilling over into the seat next to you? If so, maybe the woman felt a bit sorry for the person sat next to you, who might have been quite cramped. Maybe the woman has been in a similar position and felt you should have booked two seats? I say this from having suffered discomfort in similar situations on planes and at the theatre - it sucks when an already cramped space becomes much tighter due to overspill from another person. She perhaps she was thinking along those lines, lost in her own thoughts, then when you noticed her staring at you she felt embarrassed and annoyed.

So, lots of different things going on, potentially, and maybe some of the unfriendly people were being judgemental about your weight, but maybe some were just having a bad day/had bad manners/were preoccupied with their own problems. I'm sorry people were rude and unkind to you OP, and I know it's hard to lose weight when you have medical issues and love food (I was a comfort eater). One day, when you're ready, you can lose the weight, but those people will always be arseholes.

[PompomDahlia]

I'm same BMI as you OP (also with PCOS and on meds that make me gain weight) and I agree. I'm also a black woman so that adds to it. So many noticeable little incidents, like a guy on the tube offering a blonde girl a seat but not me even though I was right there, not getting help from sales assistants (but getting followed by security), people expecting me to step off paths into the mud, I could go on...

[Lessofallthisunpleasantness]

Well in Japan, people like to fit in and do the right thing generally. The government does not want people to be fat, infact older people in Japan over 45 have to have their waists measured each year and there is a maximum 'allowed'. Not sure how they would police that.

[Holskey]

You know there have been threads about attractive women thinking people are awful to them because of their appearance. It's just perception. Most of us know a range of people in a range of sizes who suffer no such issues.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@TurnUpTurnip

I’m much bigger than you and haven’t experienced this other than men no longer hitting on me which isn’t really a bad thing!

Same here. Maybe you are so self conscious about your weight that you are seeing "looks" and "dislike" where there isn't any?

[Lightisnotwhite]

I think it’s less your weight than the fact you keep smiling at people. You don’t know them, they don’t need to be happy around you. Fake smiles are easy and don’t fool anyone. You can engage people in a friendly manor without them.

Have your boundaries. Be interesting not needy.

[LulaMaeBarnes]

You’re probably remembering past experiences with rose tinted glasses, op. You probably notice it more now if your self esteem is worse now.
Londoners are rude and hostile. Don’t take it personally. (I’m sure some lovely Londoners will be along to tell me they’re lovely therefore everyone in London is lovely.)

[Cherrysoup]

I too have been thin then fat in. London. It’s not you, it’s London (or anywhere, tbh).