To feel sad about my experience in London as an obese woman?

[highhopes321]

I am 29 and have gained about 5 stone in the last 3 years due to insulin resistant PCOS and genuinely eating too much. I am 14 stone 8 (5 foot 3) and carry it mainly in my stomach area. For instance Jeans that I buy are a size 18 and they fit comfortably around my middle but they're baggy on my legs.

Anyway, since I've gained this weight I have noticed I have became more or less invisible to the opposite sex bar a few particular men. I've accepted that, this is where I am at the moment, I need to either do something about it or accept it.

However, last time I was in London I was 9 stone 7. This time obviously I am 5 stone heavier and I have honestly never felt so invisible but also been met with such hostility and judgement in my life. I don't mean invisible in the sense that men don't check me out or give me attention, they don't - but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean proper disdain for my weight.

For instance I was at a club last night, I couldn't find the toilets and asked a man in passing where they were, he said 'do I look like I work here?' I've never experienced anything like that when I was slim. Me and my friend would try and speak to people and were met with curtness and treated as if we were social pirañas.

I had been standing at the bar for ages and all the slim, pretty girls were getting served before me. If anyone made eye contact I would smile and be met with a look of disgust or disdain.

I went to the ned for my lunch yesterday and the waitresses would stare at my stomach and serve me with a smirk on their face almost a 'what is she doing here' look. The people I was with also noticed this.

Today on the flight back I noticed a woman keep staring at me, when we made eye contact I smiled and she literally scowled at me.

I know I'm large, I know that but I have good hygiene, I make an effort with how I look, do my make up, wear clothes that I think look nice and I am comfortable in. I'm very friendly.

This has worn me down as I literally have left London feeling like complete shit. It really had spurred me on to lose some weight so I suppose that is a good thing.

Just wondering if anyone else has been through this and AIBU to let this effect me?

[eurochick]

I work in London and would only have a negative reaction to someone's weight if they are spilling onto my seat on transport and squashing me. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd notice. London is diverse in every way, including the size of the people living there!

I agree with others that you are projecting. I also agree that a lot of people seem grumpier and snappier since COVID!

[Celledora]

You say you've put weight on mainly around the stomach (I can relate!), were these mainly situations where you were drinking/eating things pregnant women usually avoid? I'm sorry to hear you didn't have the best time x

[TheCanyon]

What do you want us to say then? Being a size 18 is grossly overweight yes, and no, folk won't chat to you as much because of it but what? What difference will that make in your life? Fuck all. Be fat, be thin, be whatever you like.

[Macncheeseballs]

I'm pretty sure it's not just obese women

[WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo]

I was a size 4/6 3 years ago due to illness and I looked and felt skinny and men asked me out at the petrol pump etc now I’m a size 14/16 and I’m invisible

[MilduraS]

I've experienced this in the opposite direction. When I lost 4 stone strangers were so much nicer to me in day to day life. I wasn't in London though, just an average town.

[simitra]

If I caught someone staring at me I would ask "Can I help you?" with a brisk cutting "edge" to my voice?

Did that once when I was doing a photo shoot and I looked up to find my NDN staring over the fence at me. "Morning. Did you want something?" She scuttled off.

Practice the "edge" to your voice.

[LordOfTheOnionRings]

I'm obese and genuinely get chatted up all the time. I have friends and have only had a few negative experiences from strangers regarding.my weight years ago when things were a little different.

Some people are just cunts.

[Macncheeseballs]

You are young and I am guessing white? I'm sure things ain't thst bad

[RainbowBriteUk]

@TriciaMcMillan

I think you mean social pariah, though being a social piranha would be an excellent way to deal with rudeness. I'm sorry you had such a negative experience though.

This made me laugh. Thanks!

[Lifeisaminestrone]

I had PCOS (I still have poly cystic ovaries). I was the other way though was very thin. After I had my baby at 29 (with assistance) the hormonal imbalance corrected itself.

PCOS is not nice - I was very anxious, had no sexual feelings, had no friends and lived a kind of half life. The cysts on ovaries are nothing compared to the hormonal imbalance. It’s horrible. I found hobbies to give me comfort. I found sport that released adrenaline helped me a lot.

Anyway, perhaps it’s PCOS that is making you self-conscious. Exercise and sport became my ‘religion’ and maybe try this to help you. I wouldn’t do it to lose weight but it may be a good byproduct too?

Haven’t read all your post as have work tomorrow so hope no cross posts

[Sparklesocks]

I can understand the club being a bit hostile (which is still awful of course). Some clubs are quite superficial/focused on aesthetics and I think a lot of men who go to them to pull are quite cutthroat when it comes to women they don’t find conventionally attractive. But I’m sorry you were upset there.

The Ned is strange though. The staff serve all kinds of people every day - I imagine quite a few 5 star clientele enjoy their food too, so seems odd that they’d single out an overweight person.

[SadSongsAndWaltzes]

I think people are being a bit dismissive of op's experience. It may be projection and a lack of self confidence, but I do think in general that people are horrible to overweight women. There's a real stigma attached to weight. I also think that London in particular is worse than a lot of areas as more people seem to be slim there compared to other parts of the country.

[TikTokNutcases]

I don't think it's your weight OP.

I live in London, have for 5 years, but didn't pay much notice to how rude and anti-social people here are until we went on a little UK break to a seaside town recently and it was like a different world. Strangers saying good morning as they passed, engaging in polite chat in cafes, kind comments to/about the DC.

Walking down my local high street or going up central is a different matter, people are so rude. I get tutted at for being in the way, people barging past, pushing in queues, if you have the temerity to smile at somebody you're met with a blank stare at best but usually

[TheHouseILiveIn]

@Macncheeseballs

You are young and I am guessing white? I'm sure things ain't thst bad

Haha, I was wondering how this woman would feel if she was black. I'm guessing most white women would get a shock and run crying to post on MN if they spent a day on the shoes of a black woman. FFS

[PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside]

the Ned is one of those places people do go 'to be seen' so you're very likely to encounter self-absorbed people there, OP.

[NoSquirrels]

@user1473878824

I really don’t think it’s your weight OP, people are just rude sometimes but if you’re feeling self conscious about it you’re going to perceive it being about that.

This is what I was going to say.

Your own perception of your appearance is the thing - rude people are rude regardless, but if they’re rude to you when you feel confident and fearless it’s water off a duck’s back but if it happens when you’re feeling self-conscious you attribute it to the thing you’re concerned about.

London is a massive melting pot - people weren’t judging you on your size, really. Although slim attractive people getting served first in a club is a bit different- that’s just the game, I guess. We’re programmed as humans to seek out ‘healthy, virile, young’, that’s all.

Be confident in yourself and lose the weight if that helps you.

[CantthinkofagoodNC]

OP i do believe people are treated differently based on appearance. Whether they are aware of it or not is another thing. I wouldn’t spend too much time focussing on it. Same with mumsnet posters.

[Titsywoo]

Hmm. I'm the same height and weight as you and have never noticed this to be honest. I mean I'm not chatted up by men anymore but I'm married so don't want to be! Sorry you had a bad experience though.

[VladmirsPoutine]

It's awful feeling like that but I don't think you're going to shake that feeling unless you do something about it. I agree people have become more rude / aggressive but I also think people are judged heavily (excuse the pun) on their appearance.

[Theworldishard]

I'm a size 12/14 and get attention. It's stayed the same whatever my size.
Why are you wanting strangers to notice and bestow to you anyway?

[Blackbutler86]

Honestly I think you just unfortunately happened to encounter some rude people rather than it being anything else. I travel into London a lot for work and it’s a mixed bag, some days I meet the most loveliest of people and others not so much. For context I’m a size 8/10 white woman but I really don’t think that has much to do with how I’m treated. I have some extremely wealthy clients there and some I probably earn more than, I’ve been treated both poorly and very well by both types.

[Ozanj]

In London anyone that could possibly be pregnant looking gets scowled at on the tube so don’t worry - it’s a tossers way to get out of offering you a seat. They justify it to themselves by dismissing you for reasons that probably have nothing to do with your weight.

As for restaurant I doubt she was smirking. It was probably just a smile from an extremely tired waitress. At your height and weight and size you wouldn’t even be near the biggest person they’ve seen.

As for the club, well, maybe he was just an unfriendly tosser. Some men make it a sport to disrespect women whenever possible.

[justcheckingreally]

Are you me OP? I'm 28 and have gained 25kg in the last 3.5 years due to PCOS and overeating. I am unrecognisable.
I honestly look back at pictures and could weep. I am also in London and must say that as much as people do treat me differently I also think it's a lot to do with how you carry yourself. When I am having a good day and I'm confident this definitely translates to how I get treated.
I despise going shopping though as I get a glimpse in the mirror and want to cry. This then translates into how I carry myself and I think how people then treat me.
Try to work on your self esteem. Once that goes up it's much easier to stop the over eating. Even if you have to fake it, just tell yourself you're amazing. It's easier said then done, I promise I know, but please try.

[WTF475878237NC]

Was pretty sure there is research that supports your ancedotal observations OP.

A quick Google scholar search suggests conventionally slim attractive and younger women have more social and economic opportunities. Just read a couple of abstracts. Didn't know this...it is apparently referred to as "beauty prestige" in the literature and weight is a key factor.