I need perspective on this situation with DSs GF

[CrazyHorse]

For background I have two DC - 16yo DD and 18yo DS. Both of them have part time jobs at the company. The company has several stores, and DS has also been working at a store an hour away, where he met his new GF (it's been a few weeks). Other people from our town store have also worked there, so a few of them have got to know each other, but DD has never worked with DSs GF, and has never actually met her.

Last weekend 18 yo DS invited his GF to stay over Friday evening until Sunday. He told us this. As he was working on the Saturday, she would be spending the day in his room, as there are no buses or trains between out town and her town, so she needed DS to drive her.

The thing is, she's so shy she's never said hello to us. The times I've tried to engage with her, eye contact is avoided and she walks off.

On Saturday DD and I were planning on going shopping at a big shopping outlet. DS had explained previously the only thing his GF likes to do is wear little dresses and go out for dinner and also go shopping, so this retail outlet sounded just up her street, andI suggested she could come with us. Through DS she declined to come with us (not surprising if she's shy) and DS said she was meeting up with a friend from
from our town she'd met through work, on Saturday.

On Saturday morning DD and I decided to go out shopping after lunch, partly as I wanted to clean the house. I had a shower, and wasn't sure if the GF had gone out while I was in the shower.It was a bit awkward as I wanted to vacuum, but also I didn't want to go in to DSs room check if she was still there, incase she was sleeping and disturbed her. Nobody wants their boyfriends mum peering at them while they're asleep. DD called into the room offering tea/coffee, but no reply so we figured she had gone out, although I didn't Hoover as I wasn't 100% sure.

I got on with house work, DD got on with her homework. She also practiced her instrument, as she normally would on a Saturday morning.

Apparently the GF hadn't gone out and did spend the day in DSs room (DH heard her moving around after I'd gone out, and called in offering lunch, but again no reply. ) I get it, she's shy, and didn't want to have lunch with her boyfriends dad, but a "no thanks I'm fine" wouldn't have killed her.

I have told DS if she left her shoes by the from door like his previous GFs I'd know of she was in the house or not.

So this weekend DD has gone to her part time job, and is now bing referred to as "trumpet girl", as the GF has told her friends who work there that DD disturbed her by playing the trumpet when she was at our house .

DD doesn't care that she's now known as "trumpet girl" but I think it's bloody rude.

Is it me? AIBU to be irritated by the GF? Should I say anything to DS?

@ISpyCobraKai

He also sounds fairly revolting.

Indeed he does!

I'm quite shocked at his attitude about this.

The first time the GF came over he sneaked her in over night, she'd never been to our house before. She was an hour from home with no way of getting home apart from relying on DS or a very expensive Uber.

The first time she will have been in his bedroom she will have seen his disgusting mess, and things left behind by his ex-girlfriend. I felt she was in a very vulnerable situation

Is it a rebound relationship if he still had some of his ex's things in his room?

One can only hope it fizzles out pretty quickly. She may be shy but that doesn't excuse rudeness. How hard is it to say no through a door when someone offers you a cup of tea

...sorry posted too soon!

I felt she was potentially in a very vulnerable situation and I wanted to go into DSs room and introduce myself and say if she wanted a lift home at any point I was happy to drive her. I didn't do that because ironically I'm quite shy myself I was too lame.

DD said if any boy ever took her back to his room and it was like DSs she would phone me immediately and demand I collect her!

@MadameMonk
I like your style!

I think you do need to have a chat with your son - not about the trumpet part but about boundaries and your home. It sounds like because you were happy with his old girlfriend you have fallen into the idea you have to be happy now but you dont

This is your house and I dont think it would hurt to have some rules regarding how he treats it

She seems contemptuous rather than shy, wanting to pretend your DS's family doesn't exist!

You can't really welcome someone you didn't even know was there the first time she visited, who then hides up silently and pretends not to be there, can you?

If your DD hears "trumpet girl" she needs to respond with "invisible girlfriend" and be surprised anyone knows anything, given the gf presents as mute when in DD's house.

And encourage DD to practise loudly and often while you hoover.

Not sure either re the shy!
I would explain to dd (who sounds great) that if they keep it up it’s workplace bullying and she has a legitimate complaint to make, just so she knows.
It is absolutely appropriate to say to ds it’s gotten back to me dd is being mocked at work for practicing her music last saturday, it’s bullying. had better not stay in future unless she’s prepared for someone practicing an instrument. In any case she had better not stay until the bullying that dd is experiencing at work about daring to practice her own instrument in her own home has stopped, I’m pretty upset about that. We never had anyone stay that turned into you being bullied at work and I’d have been very protective of you if that had happened, I’m not ok with it happening to your sister and nor should you be.

I would prioritise your daughter and not allow the rude bitch who talks about her back in the house till she’d apologised. Your daughter should be your priority not some girl your son has picked up. No manners no entry next time.

Your daughter has a week to practice - wake her up properly (if there's a) next time, then crack on with plenty of housework, especially hoovering and minesweeping of kitchenalia from ds room. Rude cow.

She sounds pig ignorant

I love the idea of the OP’s DD playing reveille outside the bedroom door. Perhaps she knows of some other brass players who could form an impromptu band. 😀

How does she work in a shop and have the brass balls to slag off her boyfriend's sister if she's so "shy". She's just rude.

I wouldn't talk to the son I'd talk directly to her and ask first of all that she leave her shoes out of she's in (maybe drop in that's what his previous girlfriends have done, lol)

I would be speaking to DS, telling him how she behaved and made you all feel uncomfortable and suggest he stays at hers in future.

It's your house (yes it's his home too) and I would not be having house guests that were so rude and then bitched about us in the workplace afterwards.

I’m with @icelolly12 - I’d refer to her as “rude girl” from now on. Shy, my arse. She’s rude and contemptuous of you and your house. I’d be having some strong words with your son….

Well, I wouldn't blame your DD if she referred to girlfriend as "phantom ghost girl".

And I wouldn't have girlfriend in the house again. The "shyness" is bizarre (and tbh crosses the line into outright rudeness). But given the lengths you went to to respect her privacy, it is absolutely outrageous that she invaded your DD's privacy with the whole "trumpet girl" thing. Your DD has a right to privacy and respect in her own home.

She certainly does sound rude and if I couldn't say hello I wouldn't contemplate staying at someone's house.

But could she have had her earphones in and been listening to music each time you called out to her? Maybe she was listening to music and didn't hear.

Also, being divisive at work is bullying/harrassment and your DD has grounds to go to HR if this shit continues. GF had better pull her head in.

OP,

Why are you writing she could be the mother of your grandchildren as an excuse not to parent your son?

Only on MN do I read of kids bringing randomers home to sleep in their rooms.

I have 4 children teens into 20's and have never heard of this.

Friends for sleepovers but random pick ups?

She is unbelievably rude and your son doesn't sound great either.

The fact she remained in your house while he wasn't there?
Ridiculous.

She sounds unbelievably rude.

You sound afraid to parent.

You should search out the stories of parents like you who end up having girlfriends moving in full time and your poor daughter marginalised in her own home.

That girl sounds rude and dragged up and you are framing your reaction to this rudeness as in she might be having your grandchildren???

Unbelievable.

Your standards must be on the floor to tolerate this in your home.

You sound afraid of your son, that you would allow this to happen? Are you?

Your son has a fool of you made, that you would tolerate such rudeness and disrespect of your home.

As for her being shy?
My arse.

She's rude, gormless, mannerless, and has no hesitation about speaking ill of your daughter in her job.

Give your head a wobble.
Raise your standards.

Tell your son, no more guests.
Stop even thinking of grandchildren for your 18 year old and focus on raising the bar in your home as to what is acceptable behaviour.

That’s so rude.

She wouldn’t be staying in my house again.

I'm quite shocked at his attitude about this.
You've said you've been a bit lame - well, sounds like you have been a bit, sorry! Tell your DS that either (a) he drives her home in future or (b) they rent a room for the night if they really need to be together so badly or (c) he goes to her place [and is ultra polite when he's there] or (d) she is out of the house first thing. If they're old enough to have sex and spend the weekend together they can put a bit of effort into figuring out their transport. Sounds like they both need to grow up a bit and stop acting like spoilt brats.

@MadameMonk

I am big on ‘precedents’ at our house. I usually say ‘yes’ to plans that involve a step towards independence (sometimes ahead of my kid’s friend’s parents).

But I’m clear that the experiment will be assessed on its merits. If it unfolds in a way that works for everyone, then we can set future expectations to include it (and similar things).
If it doesn’t work for everyone, or has a major flaw, it’s back off the table until I can be assured work has been done or a higher level of maturity is reached.

This situation would definitely go in my ‘well we tried it, and it didn’t work out’. My household has observances, like basic hygiene, basic manners, etc. It has a loose schedule to ensure smooth flow and calm interactions. It’s our home, and it’s the ‘training ground’ for the formation of decent humans. If someone wants to be a part of our household, staying here, then they adjust their culture to that. I will help them, compromise on some things if asked, excuse mistakes but I will be firm on the basics. Whether you are 3 or 93 years old.

I’d have knocked on the door in the morning, said a cheery good morning (through closed door) and said I’d be back in 10 mins for a quick chat about the day. Then I’d have knocked, waited and entered if she didn’t come out. I’d have let her know what food was around for her, checked she had a towel and let her know my movements (re-extending the invitation to join us). If I had a blank face response from her, I’d have perhaps given it another go after I returned but likely that would be the line crossed. Future sleepovers or long day visits would be dependent on at least a commitment (through DS) of some eye contact, hello & goodbye. Plus a minimum of chit chat of arrangements.

Social interactions don’t come easily to some people, I get that. Driving and quick mental maths don’t come easily to me, but I know they are key adulting skills so I learned and practiced them till I got to a decent level. Shyness in a young person wouldn’t get tippy-toed around by me, in my own home. Nope.

This ^

Your house your rules. She’s shy but not too shy to work in a shop or be gossipy about dd to her friends. Basic pleasantries are a must - do you want a cup of tea - no thank you. You can’t be tip toeing around your own house.

Re: the "she could be the future mother of my grandchildren" comment...well, she could. I've always welcomed my DSs (I also have an older DS who has left home) girlfriends with this view, and tried to have a good relationship with them. In the past it's worked well, as all GFs have been very chatty and bouncy, and the sort to load the dishwasher without being asked, and I've generally loved having them around and being their taxi driver, listening to them and advising them. MIL was quite standoffish when I met her, and I don't want to be like that.

Anyway, I raised the issue of "trumpet girl" with DS. From his reaction he is very embarrassed about it. He couldn't look at me and said "alright" when I pointed out how unfair it was in DD. I said the GF had been totally out of order, if she was going to come to this house DD needs to still feel comfortable so she can live her life in her own home without details being spread around. DH took it on board, and was looking quite uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure he's going to have a word with the GF.

I will be putting on my big girl pants and also having a word with the GF about it. She also said something about me to her friend at work, saying that I was roaring drunk when came in on the Friday evening. I was drinking a glass of wine, and reacting quite loudly to something someone had posted of FB, but I certainly wasn't drunk! I called "Hello" to DS and the GF, DS came into the living room, jokingly asked "Are you drunk, mother?" And I explained to him about the ridiculous FB post. DD has asked me if it was true that I was really drunk on Friday evening. I pointed out that she had been sitting in the living room with me all evening, so that she knew I wasn't. My children have never seen me drunk. Oh well, at least DS has got the message.

This would never happen in my house. I wouldn't really rant anyone staying anyway but when they are a guest and disrespectful, no way. Say she can't stay again

Good grief...why are you letting this gossipy little madam stay overnight in your home?