I need perspective on this situation with DSs GF

[CrazyHorse]

For background I have two DC - 16yo DD and 18yo DS. Both of them have part time jobs at the company. The company has several stores, and DS has also been working at a store an hour away, where he met his new GF (it's been a few weeks). Other people from our town store have also worked there, so a few of them have got to know each other, but DD has never worked with DSs GF, and has never actually met her.

Last weekend 18 yo DS invited his GF to stay over Friday evening until Sunday. He told us this. As he was working on the Saturday, she would be spending the day in his room, as there are no buses or trains between out town and her town, so she needed DS to drive her.

The thing is, she's so shy she's never said hello to us. The times I've tried to engage with her, eye contact is avoided and she walks off.

On Saturday DD and I were planning on going shopping at a big shopping outlet. DS had explained previously the only thing his GF likes to do is wear little dresses and go out for dinner and also go shopping, so this retail outlet sounded just up her street, andI suggested she could come with us. Through DS she declined to come with us (not surprising if she's shy) and DS said she was meeting up with a friend from
from our town she'd met through work, on Saturday.

On Saturday morning DD and I decided to go out shopping after lunch, partly as I wanted to clean the house. I had a shower, and wasn't sure if the GF had gone out while I was in the shower.It was a bit awkward as I wanted to vacuum, but also I didn't want to go in to DSs room check if she was still there, incase she was sleeping and disturbed her. Nobody wants their boyfriends mum peering at them while they're asleep. DD called into the room offering tea/coffee, but no reply so we figured she had gone out, although I didn't Hoover as I wasn't 100% sure.

I got on with house work, DD got on with her homework. She also practiced her instrument, as she normally would on a Saturday morning.

Apparently the GF hadn't gone out and did spend the day in DSs room (DH heard her moving around after I'd gone out, and called in offering lunch, but again no reply. ) I get it, she's shy, and didn't want to have lunch with her boyfriends dad, but a "no thanks I'm fine" wouldn't have killed her.

I have told DS if she left her shoes by the from door like his previous GFs I'd know of she was in the house or not.

So this weekend DD has gone to her part time job, and is now bing referred to as "trumpet girl", as the GF has told her friends who work there that DD disturbed her by playing the trumpet when she was at our house .

DD doesn't care that she's now known as "trumpet girl" but I think it's bloody rude.

Is it me? AIBU to be irritated by the GF? Should I say anything to DS?

[StMarysKettle]

Cone on OP... Don't be so desperate to be liked by a future DIL that you accept this shitty treatment. She may not be the one making up the nicknames about your DD but she's got no business talking about your household knowing your DD and DS work in the same place she must know there's a good chance they'd find out. After the roaring drunk comment there's absolutely no way she would be welcome in my house again, with or without your DS.

If you make it difficult for them to spend time together they'll probably split up soon which can only be a good thing. Your DS might really like her but there are absolutely tons of lovely girls he could go out with

[Quartz2208]

OP I have never met your son and can only go from what you say on here but it is telling that you paint the picture of a young man that isnt exactly positive.

I wonder if your relationship has changed recently - he has moved from an old girlfriend you liked to one that he chose simply on her looks.

If he has taken that on board please do put down boundaries. The fact his old girlfriend you liked stayed over doesnt mean anyone new automatically can. Come up with some boundaries about your own house because having a girl stay in his room when he is out on the Saturday isnt on regardless of the girl herself

Because it sounds like he actually needs some boundaries put in right now

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

It’s all been said above…

[JudyGemstone]

@Stovetopespresso

But now he really likes her, although he can't articulate why. give me strength

sounds like he's using his trouser brain

Lol at trouser brain. He is indeed!

Agree trumpets are cool, my neighbour practices his most days, I love it!

[lastqueenofscotland]

I wouldn’t say anything but I’d also not have her round if DS is out all day.

[monicacat]

She cannot be that shy if she can gossip at work about what happens in your home, She could be saying other things to people and going through private things while you are out..
She is hiding behind 'Shy' because she does not think she should have to make the effort with you while she is lounging about in your house.

[NewlyGranny]

The roaring drunk comment - funny she has no problem talking at work? - is worse than the trumpet one which has the merit of having truth at its core.

Telling everyone you were roaring drunk is actually slanderous as well as having untruth at its core.

I feel the relationship may not survive the chat DS had with her, but if it does, don't have her back in the house until she's stood up, faced you and DD and apologised separately and sincerely for gossipping about DD and slandering you in DD's workplace.

And have ground rules in place around anyone DS brings home, including things like no sneaking anyone in, proper introductions at the first opportunity and no abandoning anyone in his room while he goes out for hours!

Sheesh. Have you reminded him how his DB set him a pretty decent pattern for how to manage his love life and home life? Was he noticing?!

[WimpoleHat]

@Spindrifting

I’m no longer buying the shy, socially-anxious little mouse thing. She sounds like a nasty-minded gossip who doesn’t have the basic manners to emerge to say hello to her boyfriend’s family when she stays over but is happy to throw them under the bus for a few giggles with her workmates.

A perfect summary….

[billy1966]

Genuinely quiet people are not vipers behind the scene.

She is one of those super sneaky types that hide behind being quiet.

I have come across a couple of them when my girls were in primary school.

[cleanasawhistle]

I would expect basic manners from anyone in my home.
But if my sons had friends /girlfriends round then they would leave when my kids did.

[CrazyHorse]

To those that have said I need to put in place some boundaries - thank you. That is the perspective I needed.

I've always had firm boundaries for my DC, but I've found Covid has done a lot of parenting for me, I haven't had to say no to certain parties, or going to certain places because the opportunities haven't arisen. Also, me being good friends with the ex-GF parents means DS probably wasn't aware I was having conversations with her DM- and I admit there was an occasion my friend said to me she didn't want me forcing her to be the bad guy (or something similar) and basically I needed to be the one saying no sometimes - I've now well and truly taken that on board.

DH is convinced the GF won't last long, as DS won't be going over to the other town for work anymore after this week, so it'll be difficult for them to meet up. DH also thinks the two of them are not at all compatible, Anyway, he hasn't seen the GF for a few days; he's chosen to play sport with friends, and even dragged DH out to practice yesterday. I'm not convinced it will blow over though, so will try to keep an open mind about the GF. I'm glad it's been confirmed I wasn't being awful to have not warmed to her.

So, I shall be laying down some house rules. Just because DS is "taking a year off" when all his friends have gone to Uni, doesn't mean I can't retain some house rules. Firstly I shall be making sure the GF doesn't have a key, and won't be given ore, as the last GF just let herself in and out, which I was totally fine with.

[timeisnotaline]

Hahaa I’m sorry op but your 18yo son’s new gf as of 10 minutes not getting a key to your house is not boundaries, it’s just common sense. It wouldn’t cross my mind to give them a key, or my sons to give them a key to my house.
Boundaries would be : not staying unless you’re there. She’s not so shy she can’t talk about us rudely with everyone at work, so it’s simply being rude that she can’t even say hello. She can visit when you’re here and thats it, there is no reason for her to be hiding in your bedroom while you’re not even here.

[CrazyHorse]

@timeisnotaline - She definitely won't be staying here again without DS!

DD has referred to her as a "scathing bitch" . I asked DD if I'd said anything about not liking the GF (DD does tend to go along with my opinions on things) and DD said no, she'd decided this after the GF has repeatedly FaceTimed a mutual colleague and DD didn't like the way the GF was talking - apparently the GF thinks she's going to be sacked after throwing something at a customer (surely the GF was exaggerating about this, and just shoved something! )

She seems quite troubled and not the happiest person on the planet - It's odd because DS has always had a brilliant friend radar, choosing friends who are really lovely people.

Anyway, DD is my number one priority to I shall be discouraging the GF as much as possible and making it very clear we all need to know if she's here or not. If there is any doubt I won't hesitate to storm into DSs room investigate.

I actually feel like such an idiot now, that I was whispering with DD for ages, trying to figure out whether the GF was in the house or not

[billy1966]

Kindly OP, hold onto that feeling of an idiot, its a good one.

Behaviour like that girls is absolutely appalling and I'm with @timeisnotaline that not giving her a key to your home is so far from resembling a boundary as to be a laugh.

Our children still need guidance at 18 and if your son has skipped Uni to hang around with the dregs and bring it to your house, your lack of boundaries may bite you big time.

You would do well to be guided by your daughters view of this girl.

[Justilou1]

Your DD sounds like she has the GF’s measure. I’d be bloody furious. How dare she stay one night and backstab you and DD after claiming to be shy? She’s like an internet troll coming out to play.

[Cheeseplantboots]

I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable in my own home. Also I wouldn’t allow gf/bfs to stay after a few weeks of going out. She sounds rude and your son is taking the piss.