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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need perspective on this situation with DSs GF

141 replies

CrazyHorse · 26/09/2021 21:26

For background I have two DC - 16yo DD and 18yo DS. Both of them have part time jobs at the company. The company has several stores, and DS has also been working at a store an hour away, where he met his new GF (it's been a few weeks). Other people from our town store have also worked there, so a few of them have got to know each other, but DD has never worked with DSs GF, and has never actually met her.

Last weekend 18 yo DS invited his GF to stay over Friday evening until Sunday. He told us this. As he was working on the Saturday, she would be spending the day in his room, as there are no buses or trains between out town and her town, so she needed DS to drive her.

The thing is, she's so shy she's never said hello to us. The times I've tried to engage with her, eye contact is avoided and she walks off.

On Saturday DD and I were planning on going shopping at a big shopping outlet. DS had explained previously the only thing his GF likes to do is wear little dresses and go out for dinner and also go shopping, so this retail outlet sounded just up her street, andI suggested she could come with us. Through DS she declined to come with us (not surprising if she's shy) and DS said she was meeting up with a friend from
from our town she'd met through work, on Saturday.

On Saturday morning DD and I decided to go out shopping after lunch, partly as I wanted to clean the house. I had a shower, and wasn't sure if the GF had gone out while I was in the shower.It was a bit awkward as I wanted to vacuum, but also I didn't want to go in to DSs room check if she was still there, incase she was sleeping and disturbed her. Nobody wants their boyfriends mum peering at them while they're asleep. DD called into the room offering tea/coffee, but no reply so we figured she had gone out, although I didn't Hoover as I wasn't 100% sure.

I got on with house work, DD got on with her homework. She also practiced her instrument, as she normally would on a Saturday morning.

Apparently the GF hadn't gone out and did spend the day in DSs room (DH heard her moving around after I'd gone out, and called in offering lunch, but again no reply. ) I get it, she's shy, and didn't want to have lunch with her boyfriends dad, but a "no thanks I'm fine" wouldn't have killed her.

I have told DS if she left her shoes by the from door like his previous GFs I'd know of she was in the house or not.

So this weekend DD has gone to her part time job, and is now bing referred to as "trumpet girl", as the GF has told her friends who work there that DD disturbed her by playing the trumpet when she was at our house .

DD doesn't care that she's now known as "trumpet girl" but I think it's bloody rude.

Is it me? AIBU to be irritated by the GF? Should I say anything to DS?

OP posts:

Dita73 · 26/09/2021 21:46

What a nasty little cow. There is a colossal difference between being shy and being rude and she is bloody rude. I’d have a word with her and ask her what the problem is and tell her not to talk about your DD behind her back. If she doesn’t like you saying anything then tough. She doesn’t have to go to yours anymore

BudrosBudrosGalli · 26/09/2021 21:54

I think she sounds like a rude brat actually with appalling manners. She isn't too shy to gossip about your daughter though. I would not let her stay if your son isn't there again.

ArranMumma · 26/09/2021 21:55

How do you know that the GF said that DD was “disturbing” her? She might have just said that she could hear her playing the trumpet and the other people are the ones who are turning it into a joke or being mean. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt for this one, could be a misunderstanding. But obviously if there are any more signs that she is being unkind then you could have a chat with your son about it.

tabulahrasa · 26/09/2021 21:55

Yeah... that’s not shy.

I was a shy socially awkward teenager when I met my DP and I’d have stayed in the room and said no thanks to the shopping trip... but I did say hello to his parents and make awkward small talk in passing and I’ve had answered the direct questions.

Literally ignoring you and then making fun of your DD at work is something else

whynotwhatknot · 26/09/2021 21:55

You got to love her saying she was being disturned aswell its not even her fucking house

CattingT · 26/09/2021 22:01

Trumpets are awesome. Tell DD to crack on. I love Hot 8, travelled to New Orleans to see them! I highly to DD!

GF is a rude cow and should feck off elsewhere.

CattingT · 26/09/2021 22:01

Granllanog · 26/09/2021 22:10

I wouldn't have anyone staying in my house who didn't speak to me or display basic manners!!!
It is beyond ridiculous that you didn't even know if she was there or not. Is the room ensuite?

whatsmyusername · 26/09/2021 22:11

I do think it all sounds strange, I don't understand why somone would want to stay at their boyfriend of only a few weeks, parents house all day in the bedroom alone. Fair enough if you got on and she felt comfortable to be in your company and house but that doesn't sound like the case here. To then go a say about the trumpet at work is rude although you don't know what was actually said or in what context.

I'd probably say to DS you are happy for people to stay but not just to hide upstairs when he isn't there. They dont live there and have no right to be there when he isn't and you should never feel like you have to tiptoe around your own house, make it clear if you are cleaning for example and need to go in the room you will as you would normally if he was there or not if the doesn't like it then she can go out when DS does!

Original poster

CrazyHorse · 26/09/2021 22:17

It's not the GF making fun of DD, it's the GFs friends. All the GF has done is say DD played the trumpet in the morning so she couldn't sleep.

@Ragwort - I was a little taken aback when DS announced the GF was staying over. I'd got so used to his ex-girlfriend staying over (her DM is a very good old friend of mine, and it had been discussed between the parents) that I didn't think I could say no. DH has had a word with DS about, but I'm not sure exactly what was said. DS has said it's serious and he really, really likes her.

She could end potentially up being the mother of my grandchildren, so I feel I need to tread a little carefully. My DC tell me I can be quite forthright and scary, but I'm seriously wimping out on this one.

OP posts:

Kuachui · 26/09/2021 22:18

Rude.. I grew up incredibly shy and would hide behind people BUT I always squeeked out a hello and thank you and tried to engage in as much conversation as I could, not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to otherwise it would be rude....
I'm much better now although still a people pleaser

Coronado2 · 26/09/2021 22:18

I was very shy at that age, but I would have made awkward small talk with you when you initiated it, answered questions when anyone asked and left the house when your son did because I would have felt too uncomfortable being there without him.

Maybe your son needs some encouragement picking better girlfriends though, one of her main interests is wearing tiny dresses, is he serious?

whynotwhatknot · 26/09/2021 22:21

dont jump to grandchildren and being married yet

she still needs to learn basic manners-hopefully dh has had serious words

you can say no to anyone staying yur house btw

BurntO · 26/09/2021 22:23

It’s hard at that age. I would get over the whole not communicating thing. Yes, it looks incredibly rude but I have been that girl and I suffered with social anxiety and was very shy. It takes over (and no it does not necessarily mean she is unable to make work friends) but I’d be really fucked off she’d then been speaking about her time there to the point your DD basically has a nickname now! I can only assume she is insecure and she enjoyed having something to talk about but that leaps from being the shy girl and getting a free pass to just looking like a dick. I would mention in to your son casually about the fact it is inappropriate and leave it there.

Original poster

CrazyHorse · 26/09/2021 22:27

Maybe your son needs some encouragement picking better girlfriends though, one of her main interests is wearing tiny dresses, is he serious? @Coronado2 This is very true - he was only interested in her initially because all the other boys at work were interested in her, as she was the prettiest girl there and DS wanted to prove he could pull her. But now he really likes her, although he can't articulate why. give me strength

OP posts:

Stovetopespresso · 26/09/2021 22:46

@CattingT that's one approach!!

how about, massively passive aggressive I know, your dd saying "really sorry if I disturbed you with my trumpet playing last time, would it be better if I used the mute, would that be OK? "

Stovetopespresso · 26/09/2021 22:47

But now he really likes her, although he can't articulate why. give me strength

sounds like he's using his trouser brain

GunsNMoses · 26/09/2021 22:48

Dd had a friend like this at school. We had about three sleepovers before I pulled the plug. It was exhausting. Every question asked of the girl was either met by wide eyed wonderment that I'd spoken to her or a whisper in dd's ear. They were about 13 at the time. I had better things to do than play games and if I were OP I wouldn't be playing them with this one either.

Ragwort · 26/09/2021 22:50

You sound in awe of your 18 year old DS, are you really worrying about upsetting him & his GF in case she becomes the mother of your future grandchildren?

Just show tough love & be the parent - there is no need for a girl friend of a 'few weeks' to stay over ... it's far too easy to let your DC's girl/boy friends 'sleep over' without really thinking through the consequences.

Stovetopespresso · 26/09/2021 22:51

my SIL is like this come to think of it - she's 45! it's really odd and I always feel terrible when I'm around her trying to be "nice". but that's a whole other thread for another time....

justmaybenot · 26/09/2021 22:54

@CrazyHorse

It's not the GF making fun of DD, it's the GFs friends. All the GF has done is say DD played the trumpet in the morning so she couldn't sleep.

@Ragwort - I was a little taken aback when DS announced the GF was staying over. I'd got so used to his ex-girlfriend staying over (her DM is a very good old friend of mine, and it had been discussed between the parents) that I didn't think I could say no. DH has had a word with DS about, but I'm not sure exactly what was said. DS has said it's serious and he really, really likes her.

If they've only been together a few weeks I wouldn't fret about your future grandchildren yet! It's a bit strange that just because they're seeing one another she'd want to spend that long in your house without him. I know you said about trains etc but really in the future I'd tell your DS that she can only stay over if she can get home again or has something to do during the day.

thefourgp · 26/09/2021 22:57

Being shy and being rude are two entirely different traits. Shy people don’t lack basic manners and friendly courtesy. You say hello, make small talk. You don’t need to spend hours talking or become best pals. I wouldn’t let my son’s girlfriend stay in my home if she didn’t have basic manners and pretended she was being rude because she’s shy.

NoSquirrels · 26/09/2021 22:57

YANBU to be irritated by your DS’s GF’s lack of social skills.

But it’s one of those where either it will sort itself out in time - you’ll get to know her, she’ll get to know you, or they’ll split up - or the behaviour will be so rude you’ll have it out eventually anyway.

icelolly12 · 26/09/2021 23:02

I hope your dd refers to her as 'silent girl' or 'weirdo girl' see how she likes that

disco123 · 26/09/2021 23:02

Totally ignoring someone who is speaking to you directly is seriously abnormal behaviour. What does DS say about it? Does she speak to him?

The girl needs some treatment for social anxiety. And your DS needs to encourage her to be polite and engage.

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