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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need perspective on this situation with DSs GF

141 replies

CrazyHorse · 26/09/2021 21:26

For background I have two DC - 16yo DD and 18yo DS. Both of them have part time jobs at the company. The company has several stores, and DS has also been working at a store an hour away, where he met his new GF (it's been a few weeks). Other people from our town store have also worked there, so a few of them have got to know each other, but DD has never worked with DSs GF, and has never actually met her.

Last weekend 18 yo DS invited his GF to stay over Friday evening until Sunday. He told us this. As he was working on the Saturday, she would be spending the day in his room, as there are no buses or trains between out town and her town, so she needed DS to drive her.

The thing is, she's so shy she's never said hello to us. The times I've tried to engage with her, eye contact is avoided and she walks off.

On Saturday DD and I were planning on going shopping at a big shopping outlet. DS had explained previously the only thing his GF likes to do is wear little dresses and go out for dinner and also go shopping, so this retail outlet sounded just up her street, andI suggested she could come with us. Through DS she declined to come with us (not surprising if she's shy) and DS said she was meeting up with a friend from
from our town she'd met through work, on Saturday.

On Saturday morning DD and I decided to go out shopping after lunch, partly as I wanted to clean the house. I had a shower, and wasn't sure if the GF had gone out while I was in the shower.It was a bit awkward as I wanted to vacuum, but also I didn't want to go in to DSs room check if she was still there, incase she was sleeping and disturbed her. Nobody wants their boyfriends mum peering at them while they're asleep. DD called into the room offering tea/coffee, but no reply so we figured she had gone out, although I didn't Hoover as I wasn't 100% sure.

I got on with house work, DD got on with her homework. She also practiced her instrument, as she normally would on a Saturday morning.

Apparently the GF hadn't gone out and did spend the day in DSs room (DH heard her moving around after I'd gone out, and called in offering lunch, but again no reply. ) I get it, she's shy, and didn't want to have lunch with her boyfriends dad, but a "no thanks I'm fine" wouldn't have killed her.

I have told DS if she left her shoes by the from door like his previous GFs I'd know of she was in the house or not.

So this weekend DD has gone to her part time job, and is now bing referred to as "trumpet girl", as the GF has told her friends who work there that DD disturbed her by playing the trumpet when she was at our house .

DD doesn't care that she's now known as "trumpet girl" but I think it's bloody rude.

Is it me? AIBU to be irritated by the GF? Should I say anything to DS?

OP posts:

ImFree2doasiwant · 26/09/2021 23:05

Honestly, I'm amazed you agreed to her staying in your house after a few weeks. I wouldn't be doing that again in a hurry, abd I would speak to both of them to explain that you expect reasonable behaviour from her. As in, to speak to you in a normal manner and respond when spoken to. She's bloody rude!

MsJinks · 26/09/2021 23:06

I’m surprised your DD hasn’t said anything to your DS - my kids would have been straight on at their siblings, any excuse really as teens 🤷🏼‍♀️
He won’t see anything wrong with her behaviour though if he really likes her, and perhaps it was he who wanted her to hang around so she would definitely be around for him to see again after work. I certainly expected kids’ friends or more than friends to speak to me, if I spoke to them, and they were made aware of any behaviour I didn’t like, though all managed to behave to a level I could tolerate and so mainly just carry on with my life normally- Hoover when I fancied!
It is your choice what you tolerate though, if it’s a problem her lurking and being mute, you don’t have to have her in the house when your son isn’t, or at all if you like. Whilst I was quite ok about folk stopping over at mine for many years, I actually decided I wasn’t any more when just one was left at home - told her I’d had years of it, we had now moved, and I wasn’t starting again having to be dressed, accommodating and polite to strangers in my own home at my age, basically I couldn’t be bothered with it - she found it ‘unfair’ and maybe it is 🤷🏼‍♀️ but it’s my home and my tolerance levels - bad luck for her she’s the youngest and I get more anti social with age!

Ozberry · 26/09/2021 23:15

I’d be having stern words about making sure she isn’t the mother of your grandchildren if I was in your boat. He’s 18!!! I know MN sees that as an adult, but barely…
And they’ve been together a few weeks.
As for her, she can fit into the household, or stay at her own house. It’s not DSs place. He lives at home with his parents.

fuzzymoomin · 26/09/2021 23:17

She was rude and bad mannered. She would not being staying in my house again unless she was prepared to engage with the rest of the household. Fine to hang out in the room for some quiet time, but meals eaten with the family and basic conversation is the least she could do. She's not shy, she is rude.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 26/09/2021 23:35

I'm with @BornIn78

The girlfriend doesn't sound shy she sounds a rude little madam. I wouldn't let her stay over again until she finds some manners.

JacquelineCarlyle · 26/09/2021 23:45

@fuzzymoomin

This!

Put your foot down Op and stop letting her stay if she's going to be rude!!

MadameMonk · 26/09/2021 23:45

I am big on ‘precedents’ at our house. I usually say ‘yes’ to plans that involve a step towards independence (sometimes ahead of my kid’s friend’s parents).

But I’m clear that the experiment will be assessed on its merits. If it unfolds in a way that works for everyone, then we can set future expectations to include it (and similar things).
If it doesn’t work for everyone, or has a major flaw, it’s back off the table until I can be assured work has been done or a higher level of maturity is reached.

This situation would definitely go in my ‘well we tried it, and it didn’t work out’. My household has observances, like basic hygiene, basic manners, etc. It has a loose schedule to ensure smooth flow and calm interactions. It’s our home, and it’s the ‘training ground’ for the formation of decent humans. If someone wants to be a part of our household, staying here, then they adjust their culture to that. I will help them, compromise on some things if asked, excuse mistakes but I will be firm on the basics. Whether you are 3 or 93 years old.

I’d have knocked on the door in the morning, said a cheery good morning (through closed door) and said I’d be back in 10 mins for a quick chat about the day. Then I’d have knocked, waited and entered if she didn’t come out. I’d have let her know what food was around for her, checked she had a towel and let her know my movements (re-extending the invitation to join us). If I had a blank face response from her, I’d have perhaps given it another go after I returned but likely that would be the line crossed. Future sleepovers or long day visits would be dependent on at least a commitment (through DS) of some eye contact, hello & goodbye. Plus a minimum of chit chat of arrangements.

Social interactions don’t come easily to some people, I get that. Driving and quick mental maths don’t come easily to me, but I know they are key adulting skills so I learned and practiced them till I got to a decent level. Shyness in a young person wouldn’t get tippy-toed around by me, in my own home. Nope.

justmaybenot · 26/09/2021 23:58

In many ways, this girl is a total stranger so I really wouldn't want her hanging around the house on her own - particularly as her attitude makes you uncomfortable. It was very nice of you to invite her to join you but really you shouldn't have to entertain her - as in show her a good time or put up with her ill manners. I'd have a word with your DS and say if anyone stays over you expect them to engage with the family - and I'd get him to slow down a bit on the whole spend an entire weekend in his family home within weeks of getting together with someone.

Frannibananni · 27/09/2021 00:10

At the very least I would say she isn’t to be in the house with out him, she can leave early and he can drop her off on the way to work.
Being shy isn’t a excuse for rude.

FinallyFluid · 27/09/2021 00:11

Ha my Best friends son had a one like this, she was known as the tailors dummy, looked good in clothes but never spoke.

Tulips15 · 27/09/2021 00:14

@GoodnightGrandma

She is rude, and if that’s how she behaves she’d not be staying again.

How rude! She would not be staying again & would be told it is incredibly rude to name call a child , esp when she was a guest in the house.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/09/2021 00:19

he was only interested in her initially because all the other boys at work were interested in her, as she was the prettiest girl there and DS wanted to prove he could pull her.

I know this isn't what you asked about so I'm sorry... but I would be really disappointed he was using her as a dick swinging exercise to brag about. Ugh. Such a horrid attitude towards relationships and women. Hopefully he grows out of it.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/09/2021 00:23

I'd hate this.
She isn't shy she is rude.

Truthseeker456 · 27/09/2021 00:24

Not so shy when talking about your dd at work....

MeanWeedratStew · 27/09/2021 00:29

I agree with those who say she's rude and your son needs to be told.

But can I also say that your DD sounds awesome? To be doing something she enjoys and giving zero shits when other people bitch about it - I wish I'd been that confident in myself at her age.

Sorry to go off topic. As you were.

Timeforachangetoday12 · 27/09/2021 00:33

She’s rude!!

My daughter is shy and suffers from social anxiety she has a boyfriend (who is also shy and quiet) but when she stays at his she makes an effort with his parents and sister. When he stays here he has sat down for a meal with us and we have all watched sports together. He still very quiet around us but at least try’s.

You’d sons girlfriend is just rude !! And using shyness as an excuse is just lazy and she obviously isn’t if she chatting at work with others!

notangelinajolie · 27/09/2021 01:05

Shy or not, she is rude. And you need to stop pampering to you son's love life. If he (and his GF) want to use your home as a shag pad then then they should at the very least be nice to you.
They both sound very entitled. Tell him to get a room somewhere else next time.

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 01:10

Her behaviour is creepy. If she is staying alone in your house, she needs some manners. Your DS needs to tell her she either interacts with people in the house or fucks off out of there when he leaves. She is not entitled to control what happens in YOUR house under the guise of “shyness”. She’s not too shy to complain about trumpet playing in your DD’s own house. This is really, really controlling, attention-seeking behaviour.

BabyBearRus · 27/09/2021 01:18

Oh my word, I wouldn't have her in my home without your DS there. It's different if you know her well and he's been with her for a while. Your poor DD. That is such an invasion of her privacy. Perhaps you could tell your DS that she can only be there when he's home.

ISpyCobraKai · 27/09/2021 01:22

That's a long story for something she's done.
Yes, it's not great, but surely your DS is the one to blame for this?

ISpyCobraKai · 27/09/2021 01:24

He also sounds fairly revolting.

AllosaurusMum · 27/09/2021 02:52

I’d just tell him that you were willing to over look how rude she is but now that you know she’s gossiping about DD at work she’s no longer welcome to stay over.

LetHimHaveIt · 27/09/2021 06:19

Funny how 'being shy' often manifests as 'fucking rude', isn't it? Doubtless being unable to answer a civil question civilly will be the result of 'her anxiety' 🙄

Not too shy to have entered a relationship. Not too shy to come to your house and behave badly. Not too shy to tell her colleagues about your daughter and hilariously refer to her as 'trumpet girl'.

She's sounds fucking dreadful. I'd tell your son she's not coming again.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 27/09/2021 06:33

Agree totally with what most others have said.

No reason to tolerate rudeness in your house.

And, if the girl needs sleep, she can go home and sleep. Good for your DD for getting up and doing something productive and interesting.

Looks fade, skills and charm don’t.

CoralBells · 27/09/2021 07:10

Agree she's not shy just rude

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