Why are women with husbands so jealous and hurtful towards other single women?

[beigebrownblue]

Ok. I'm divorced.

I have absolutely ZILCH desire to hook up with a man.

None. Nil. Nichts. Nada.

I have been taking myself out once a week to eat at a local restaurant. Not cheap, but it is the only break I get.

I have noticed that the woman who is mangeress of the restaurant is really off with me and does not seem to be able to accept my presence.

I dress down. For a long time I've not wanted to be noticed by anyone actually. Often I read a book.

Her other half cooks in the kitchen.

Why is it that she insists on being territorial with me, on this one?

Are women so threatened nowadays?

Yes, perhaps her other half has history, but why blame a customer?

@Samuraisammy

I think some women do make others uncomfortable for no real reason but I’m sure men do to other men. What I’m not sure though is how you know so much about this couples lives who are actually running a professional business. I’ve never been to a cafe myself and known who’s hubby is working when and how. And personally think it’s odd going to the same place every week, maybe that’s what’s making her feel uncomfortable? Or maybe she’s picking up the negative vibe from you... I had one colleague convinced other women were being off with her and jealous and it could have been further than the truth.

Perhaps women shouldn't go where they want to go. And also should vary their route. As dictated by other people? That is crazy.

@ShrikeAttack

This thread is horrible. You may not have related to *@beigebrownblue*'s tone or style, but I can guarantee that single women/mothers are frequently and often sidelined by couples.

I bloody know it does because my friends tell me so, it happens all the bloody time.

To the extent they tell me (apropos of fuck all) that I am unusual for having lots of single woman friends.

And they tell me that coupled-up men hitting on them is depressingly normal.

The vitriol on here kind of proves it.

Why so much anger at OP?

Because what you describe bears no relation to what the OP is talking about.

I agree that some married women do get antsy when a friend who was coupled up (so deemed "safe") becomes single. I was frozen out of one particular group as a direct result of getting rid of my abusive partner. I have also had married men, husbands of friends, hit on me so they probably know what these men are like and rather than get rid of him (my personal choice) they get rid of any women they perceive to be the type he would hit on. As I say, this has happened to me.

What has NEVER happened is a random woman I dont know getting snotty with me because she is married and I am not! Frankly if I was running a restaurant with my husband, implying it is their business rather than being employed, I would be overjoyed to have a regular who bought the most expensive item on the menu! Anyone in hospitality will tell you that you look after your regulars no matter what you think of them personally because they pay your rent!

Also what people are objecting to is the accusations of sexism towards women when the OP herself said "all married women are jealous"

You know, you could solve this whole problem by saying to her

"Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? I love coming here and think this restaurant does the best steak in town, which is why I'm back every week. Sometimes though, from [insert exact behaviours that you feel are off] I get the feeling that there's something wrong. If I'm causing an issue I'm not aware of, I'd really appreciate you letting me know as I've been feeling uncomfortable. I really enjoy the food here and want my patronage to be a good experience for everyone."

Interesting reactions.
If sad.
And internalised misogyny.
Very, very sad.

You're obviously very easily wound up @MrsTerryPratchett.

If it's a windup it's a poor one. I'm not even sure why it would wind anyone up.

I do know single women are often treated very poorly.

If OP is a goady-fucker, they should probably get a more interesting hobby.

If not, she's got a point.

If it's a windup it's a poor one. I'm not even sure why it would wind anyone up.

14 pages so yes, it's a good one.

@CheekyHobson

You know, you could solve this whole problem by saying to her

"Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? I love coming here and think this restaurant does the best steak in town, which is why I'm back every week. Sometimes though, from [insert exact behaviours that you feel are off] I get the feeling that there's something wrong. If I'm causing an issue I'm not aware of, I'd really appreciate you letting me know as I've been feeling uncomfortable. I really enjoy the food here and want my patronage to be a good experience for everyone."

Why should I have to apologise for myself like this? When I'm sitting quietly, paying the bill and a regular? do tell.

@SleepingStandingUp

So OP goes weekly to a local restaurant to eat the expensive steak because she needs it nutritionally and cannot eat at home. The staff are pleased to see her in her casual clothes and the chef comes out to talk to her despite the book she's reading. All good. Except the manager is a bitch who goes on about her marriage to the chef because "patriarchy". Right.

Actually the chef reads the same authorr I am reading. That is why we pass the time of day. Don't think that is odd with people who are coming out of lockdown.

Own up - it's a massive salad, isn't it ?

Well maybe @PyongyangKipperbang, it's a fast moving thread.

If it's just some dickhead looking for jollies don't give them what they want.

Either way, I'm quite relaxed about knobbers. They are around us always. I'd rather give good advice to someone who doesn't communicate well than get angry because some dickhead has prodded me.

Poking me with sticks is tedious for both me and the jabber.

And I have an iron deficiency. Which is why I eat the steak.

@beigebrownblue

Interesting reactions. If sad. And internalised misogyny. Very, very sad.

Are you very, very drunk?

What an incredibly strange woman you are, @beigebrownblue.

You also sound very pissed.

Or maybe 'because' of the book I am reading.
Goodness me. Some people on here are the 'angry' ones.

She's just one woman.
She's not all of us, she's not even two.
Just one.

This is what I was going to say OP

@DameMaureen

Own up - it's a massive salad, isn't it ?

I wish. Need to change my habits.

Obviously according to mumsnet
women are not allowed to go out to eat on their own,
certainly not allowed to eat meat.
and not allowed to comment on any of it.

Goodness.
I thought we got the vote in 1913.
Must have missed something.

There's no chance the woman is jealous of you OP, you seem quite.. what's the word I'm looking for? Ah yeah, nutty.

@beigebrownblue

Obviously according to mumsnet women are not allowed to go out to eat on their own, certainly not allowed to eat meat. and not allowed to comment on any of it.

Goodness.
I thought we got the vote in 1913.
Must have missed something.

Loads of people, including me, have said we eat out alone all the time. And you’re not commenting on the food, you’ve decided the owner hates you because all married women detest single women.

Oh wait, I’ve just seen that you chat to the chef about the book you’re reading.

Have you been speaking to him tonight?

Because he’s at work and that might be why the owner is annoyed, you know, because it’s a business and you’re bothering them.

Do you need some deep heat for that stretch?

@user1473878824

Oh wait, I’ve just seen that you chat to the chef about the book you’re reading.

Have you been speaking to him tonight?

Because he’s at work and that might be why the owner is annoyed, you know, because it’s a business and you’re bothering them.

Believe it or not, it is okay and acceptable to exchange two sentences about a book one might have happened to be reading with a complete stranger.

Correction on the date of suffrage.

It is 1928.

Obviously, women are still not allowed to go to restaurants on their own without comment and stupid sterotypes.

Perhaps we should not venture five minutes from our homes in case we get murdered?

Why should I have to apologise for myself like this?
When I'm sitting quietly, paying the bill and a regular?
do tell.

You're not apologising for yourself. You've noticed that someone is being off with you and you're finding out why in a polite and non-confrontational way that increases the chance that you'll get an honest response, so you can potentially solve the problem and enjoy your meal without feeling uncomfortable.

You've made an assumption that her behaviour is because she's territorial about her husband, but the fact is that it may well be about something else (you taking up a table that could bring in more money, maybe she doesn't realise how she comes across, maybe the restaurant is struggling and she's highly anxious, maybe you remind her of a person she hates, maybe you speak more abruptly or rudely than you realise). It could be any number of things.

You get the impression that she doesn't really want you there, but you have no real idea why. So you can continue to eat there and have your experience marred by what seems to be her dislike of you, or you can take your custom somewhere else (where you might not like the food as much) or you can attempt to resolve the uncomfortable situation in a way that increases the chance of a happy resolution. Going in aggressively isn't likely to resolve the situation. So you go in gently but assertively to give yourself the best chance of working things out to everyone's satisfaction.

Internalized misogyny also manifests as thinking other women are wary of you, jealous of you or competing with you on the flimsiest of evidence. Seeing yourself as a threat, or as ‘not like other girls’. Thinking that a woman only tells you something because she has a hidden agenda.