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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner’s ex wife what do I do!

166 replies

Mamana127 · 26/09/2021 18:29

May I please have some advice from people who have dealt with with. I’ve been with my partner 6 years. We met 1 year of him being single and living alone. We have a 3 year little girl together. He has his own place while I have mine, but he spends majority of his time at mine.
When I got pregnant Ex wife went all crazy saying he promised not to have kids with anyone else, she denied him access from seeing his two girls 19&20 yrs for one year until the girls reached out themselves. Fast forward they now see their dad but only at his place. Meaning he has to go back there each time they say they want to come. They also didn’t want to know our little one until recently when she turned 3.
Now my problem is the ex. I have tolerated her for too long I don’t know what to do. She calls and txts my partner asking him to go and fix things there, feed the cats when she is away, put things up etc.. now the most recent one was she sent a txt asking my partner to promise that his will will only leave everything to their two girls and he won’t change it forever. Because her will says the same. She says their wills should be the same. My partner relied and said no he has changed his will and has included our little one on it. She said she understands but can my partner promise that majority will go to their girls? And “no one else” He didn’t reply.
I’m so angry 😡 what has his will got to do with her? I want to talk to him about it but I don’t know what to say.
During their split he left her everything. The house, the savings everything and left with his pension. She is now saying she feels she will be poor when she gets old as the house will go to their children blah… he is giving her financial advice and tries to help her.
I have never met this woman and I’ve really stayed away from all her drama.
She has called me names I cannot begin to write here. I just simply ignored. Have I ignored too much.
I’m I out of order to want to chat to my partner about this?

OP posts:

TweetyPieBird · 27/09/2021 08:09

@DillonPanthersTexas

I feel like older divorced men making new families with besotted young women is something of an epidemic these days.

These poor women with no agency being forced into relationships and motherhood by these predatory men.

She’s 35 with 2 DC from a previous relationship(s). She’s not 20 and groomed by a man old enough to be her father.

TweetyPieBird · 27/09/2021 08:12

Although if he’s 10 years older with adult DC then I’m guessing he’s late 40s or 50s and OP is late 30s-40s.

thelastgoldeneagle · 27/09/2021 08:12

You have a dp problem. He needs to find a backbone and set some boundaries with his ex - stop seeing her, stop communicating with her. He should put you first.

ScumbagDave · 27/09/2021 08:15

@TweetyPieBird

Although if he’s 10 years older with adult DC then I’m guessing he’s late 40s or 50s and OP is late 30s-40s.

And she would have been 29, I guess, when she met him tbf. Not a baby, but still, you do see this a lot.

ManifestingJoy · 27/09/2021 08:24

@HarrisonStickle

She once told him he could move back home and be together again if he could cut all ties with me and our little one forever and never see us again

No, he once told you that she once told him...!

The fact that she would say that makes me think that he is still keeping his options open, telling her............ oh I'm kind of locked in to this now, with the baby, you know, I want to do the right thing for the child but I would prefer to be with you....

Total OPTION-OPEN behavior.

ManifestingJoy · 27/09/2021 08:37

@Cameleongirl

Honestly, OP, I’d keep your independence and not consider moving in together until he’s distanced himself from his ex wife. As PP’s have said, there’s no reason for him to engage with her on this level now their DD’s are adults. IMO, he needs to enforce boundaries with his ex or face the possibility of losing his relationship with you. In the meantime, protect yourself and your DD from it all and stay in your own home.

I agree with this. Assume he's a dithering invertebrate for now and concentrate on you, your job, your house, your DC....

SouthSideSally · 27/09/2021 08:39

This is nothing to do with the ex wife or the adult children. It has everything to do with your child's father and it has everything to do with you and your boundaries.

You had a child with someone who is not fully committed to you or your child. He enjoys being at the centre of his own little soap opera and you afforded him that position. Good news is - you can change all that. Remove the power from him and his baggage.

Generallystruggling · 27/09/2021 08:42

Your DP is the issue here. Their DC’s are adults and they separated 7 years ago so he needs to block her number, he doesn’t need to have any contact with her at all anymore. He shouldn’t be replying to her, definitely shouldn’t be going to hers to fix things or feed her cat…

T0p0ftheW0rld · 27/09/2021 08:46

Is your DP legally divorced ?

Mrstamborineman · 27/09/2021 08:49

It’s not the ex that is the issue. Your dp is leading her on by giving in to her demands.
In your shoes, given the age of his dc I would strongly suggest he consider no contact with his ex. His dc emulate her demands by only seeing him at his house/flat.
He is either being a doormat.
Still has feelings for his ex that he can’t get let of.
Or he has a massive guilty conscience and he was not single when you met.

Mrstamborineman · 27/09/2021 08:53

Do not turn this into a contest of winning “the man”.
He should be putting you and all his children first. Not expecting you to put up with his ex’s demands. She is telling him do not marry! Do not have have more dc. Do you want to be with a man that has his umbilical cord still attached to his first wife. Fuck that for a game of sailors.

HeartsAndClubs · 27/09/2021 08:56

And again, this is assuming that the issue is the ex and not him.

I’d be tempted to call his bluff. Say “right, I’m sick of this woman and all the hateful things she’s saying about me. As it’s about me I’m going to confront her.” And watch him squirm.

He’ll come up with multiple reasons why you shouldn’t contact her. Because he knows that if you do then you’ll likely find out the truth.

billy1966 · 27/09/2021 09:01

OP,

You sound like a nice woman who has been played for years.

He is not an honest, straightforward man.

Do NOT give up your home to move into a home with him.

You and your children have so much to lose by doing this.

He is not honest nor trustworthy.

aSofaNearYou · 27/09/2021 09:07

Wow, he has zero boundaries. After the various stunts she has pulled, he should be retracting to no more than a civil relationship with his ex, anything else is enormously inappropriate and disrespectful to the relationship he is now in.

Meanwhile, he has massively pandered to his daughters - it isn't on to live separately to his toddler when he is in a relationship with their mother in order to have a house to see two adult children. They aren't children, they need to adapt to either coming to your house like normal people, or seeing him out of the home. Expecting him to keep a seperate house just to see them is a slippery slope to extreme entitlement. Given they're at uni, has he given any timeframe to when he expects that to end? Once they have graduated, maybe? He surely can't intend on doing this indefinitely?

From an outsider's perspective, it sounds like you need to lower your tolerance massively. I would never have allowed any of this nonsense from my partner if he wanted to be with me and have a child with me, I'd have told him in no uncertain terms he needed to grow a pair with his ex and daughters or it wasn't going to work. It's not too late for you!

QueenBee52 · 27/09/2021 23:39

Dreadful scenario you live in OP...

He's failing on every level of commitment 🌸

NowEvenBetter · 28/09/2021 00:37

Don’t give up your own home for a boyfriend, you have kids from previous man/men that you’d be throwing away their security for this boyfriend who seems into his ex wife. His previous lovers are his issue and he’s not bothered at all about behaving like a functioning adult. This is just a farce.

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