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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner’s ex wife what do I do!

166 replies

Mamana127 · 26/09/2021 18:29

May I please have some advice from people who have dealt with with. I’ve been with my partner 6 years. We met 1 year of him being single and living alone. We have a 3 year little girl together. He has his own place while I have mine, but he spends majority of his time at mine.
When I got pregnant Ex wife went all crazy saying he promised not to have kids with anyone else, she denied him access from seeing his two girls 19&20 yrs for one year until the girls reached out themselves. Fast forward they now see their dad but only at his place. Meaning he has to go back there each time they say they want to come. They also didn’t want to know our little one until recently when she turned 3.
Now my problem is the ex. I have tolerated her for too long I don’t know what to do. She calls and txts my partner asking him to go and fix things there, feed the cats when she is away, put things up etc.. now the most recent one was she sent a txt asking my partner to promise that his will will only leave everything to their two girls and he won’t change it forever. Because her will says the same. She says their wills should be the same. My partner relied and said no he has changed his will and has included our little one on it. She said she understands but can my partner promise that majority will go to their girls? And “no one else” He didn’t reply.
I’m so angry 😡 what has his will got to do with her? I want to talk to him about it but I don’t know what to say.
During their split he left her everything. The house, the savings everything and left with his pension. She is now saying she feels she will be poor when she gets old as the house will go to their children blah… he is giving her financial advice and tries to help her.
I have never met this woman and I’ve really stayed away from all her drama.
She has called me names I cannot begin to write here. I just simply ignored. Have I ignored too much.
I’m I out of order to want to chat to my partner about this?

OP posts:
Azerothi · 26/09/2021 19:48

Does your boyfriend not live with you because his ex wouldn't like it? Or is it because his adult children tell him not to live with you? It's either that or that he just doesn't want to live with you and any of your children. Why did your boyfriend keep his child with you a secret?

He just isn't that into you.

DameMaureen · 26/09/2021 19:49

What do you tell your little girl about why Daddy doesn't live with her ?

JoborPlay · 26/09/2021 19:50

Now my problem is the ex.

No it isn't. Your problem is you dick of a partner.

DamnUserName21 · 26/09/2021 19:50

Agree with PP. Definitely a 'D'P problem!
Seems like he has you on the hook as a bit on the side as well as his ex who he panders to.
What do you get out of this relationship? Is he paying for his child?

SweeneyToddler · 26/09/2021 19:51

I’d love to hear the ex’s and daughters’ take on this.

As it stands, this man has three children, and two women fighting over him, and he gets to live like a bachelor.

limerencelarry · 26/09/2021 19:53

You don't live together? Thats seriously odd, OP.

MoiraNotRuby · 26/09/2021 19:53

If he left with his pension he didn't leave her with everything. After a long marriage a pension might well be the biggest asset.

Sorry OP but he's full of BS.

Babyroobs · 26/09/2021 19:54

Does he pay maintenance if you don't live together? Does he financially contribute to her upkeep?

Getawaywithit · 26/09/2021 19:55

During their split he left her everything. The house, the savings everything and left with his pension

No. A legally binding Order was drawn up, following both parties getting appropriate legal advice and/or a judge made the order. He didn’t leave her everything, he walked away with his pension. You swallowed the ‘my ex wife took everything, poor me’ line hook, line and sinker.

Mamana127 · 26/09/2021 19:56

Yes he pays for our little girl and contributes to running the house.
He says he is keeping his house as my house is not large enough for his girls to visit him and stay over. Which is true I have a 3 bedroom. But he is not in a great rush for us to find a place we have been looking for 2 years now.
When we went camping during summer EW sent a message saying he needs to ensure his phone is reachable just in case she needed him for the girls. I’m just really tired of it all. I blame myself for always saying yes to him going to help her as he asks me, 🥲

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 26/09/2021 19:57

@Mamana127

Yes he pays for our little girl and contributes to running the house. He says he is keeping his house as my house is not large enough for his girls to visit him and stay over. Which is true I have a 3 bedroom. But he is not in a great rush for us to find a place we have been looking for 2 years now. When we went camping during summer EW sent a message saying he needs to ensure his phone is reachable just in case she needed him for the girls. I’m just really tired of it all. I blame myself for always saying yes to him going to help her as he asks me, 🥲
Sounds like he's afraid of commitment to be honest.
Nomorepies · 26/09/2021 19:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

KippersHangover · 26/09/2021 20:00

Why does he even need to be in regular contact with his ex when his children are adults?

I'm not suggesting he never speak to her again (my parents never spoke again once their divorce came through as I was older when they separated, literally not a word since!). But there really is no need for him to be in regular contact with her as if his kids were tiny and contact needed to be arranged. He needs to start with that. Absolutely no interactions between them unless it is about something to do with his children that they can't possibly relay themselves to him which, considering they are adults, you'd hope would not be that often.

It's a shame when it needs to be that way but she clearly treats you like shit so I'd expect me husband to have minimal interaction with her personally.

Newkitchen123 · 26/09/2021 20:00

@Mamana127

Yes he pays for our little girl and contributes to running the house. He says he is keeping his house as my house is not large enough for his girls to visit him and stay over. Which is true I have a 3 bedroom. But he is not in a great rush for us to find a place we have been looking for 2 years now. When we went camping during summer EW sent a message saying he needs to ensure his phone is reachable just in case she needed him for the girls. I’m just really tired of it all. I blame myself for always saying yes to him going to help her as he asks me, 🥲
A 3 bed is big enough Is he saying he wants them to have their own room on the off chance they want to stay over? How far away do they live? Would they visit together all the time? How many bedrooms does he say he wants? Sounds like BS to me
BrilliantBetty · 26/09/2021 20:01

Well having another child was always going to be an issue.
It is a financial issue. It does mean their DC will get less financial support / inheritance.

I really fail to see why any second partner, who has a child with someone who already has kids and was married for a long time doesn't understand this. It was never, ever going to be fine. It is a complicated situation and it's the kids who all suffer most. If you have DC with someone who already had DC expect a bumpy road.

cookingisoverrated · 26/09/2021 20:02

You two need to move in together and he needs to put his foot down and tell his daughters that they have to treat you with respect, and that includes visiting the house you both live in. FFS. What a spineless arsehole.

KippersHangover · 26/09/2021 20:02

And if it is to do with anything other than the adult children (and something reasonable that he can't just speak to them about directly) it's just ignored. Shelves need putting up? Ignore. Wanting to know whats in his will? Ignore. One of the girls rushed to hospital? THAT is the type of thing they need to talk about.

At those ages I can't really imagine many scenarios at all where they would need to talk.

KippersHangover · 26/09/2021 20:04

It is a financial issue. It does mean their DC will get less financial support / inheritance.

Same with any sibling isn't it?

The ex wife's second daughter coming along means her first will inherit less. Her first daughter didn't ask for the second to be born, how selfish of the ex and OPs DP to have two!

HeartsAndClubs · 26/09/2021 20:04

Your DP has quite the convenient little setup doesn’t he?

He has a GF who he doesn’t have to live with, who does all the parenting because he doesn’t live there, then he has his own house, and conveniently tells you all the nasty things his ex has apparently said about you even though you’ve never met her. Oh, and he tells you that obviously he’s told her how unreasonable she is being.

OP you need to wake up here. He’s in touch with his ex because he wants to be.

He doesn’t live with you because he doesn’t want to.

It’s convenient for him to tell you that two grown women refuse to see you so he’s staying in his own house and you’ve stalled it hook line and sinker.

Have you even met his children?

toocold54 · 26/09/2021 20:05

A 3 bedroom! I assumed you had a 1 bedroom! Surely it’s you and him in one room, your shared child who lives there permanently in the second bedroom and the older girls share the third bedroom as they’re only there part time. You can always move to a larger house in the future but neither of you are going to be able to do that if you’re both running a home each.

The doing things for ex wife isn’t an issue. It’s the fact he doesn’t want to commit to moving in with you and is using his daughters as an excuse which is the biggest issue.
You have a child together there is absolutely no reason why it makes sense to pay out for two separate homes.

Lotusmonster · 26/09/2021 20:05

Why can’t young adults aged 19 & 20 contact their dad directly if they so wish? Why must the ex W funnel any messages? This is utter bullshit OP. This woman cannot relinquish control of her ex H and you sadly by your own admission have to this point enabled that behaviour. If you now don’t like it….make sensible changes on the basis that his children are adults. Cut the ex out.

Viviennemary · 26/09/2021 20:05

I agree his ex wife shouldnt be influencing him after all this time. But its really up to him who he leaves his money to. You are not married and don't even live together. It doesnt sound a very committed set up to me. But only you know.

HeartsAndClubs · 26/09/2021 20:07

*swallowed it hook line and sinker

Snuggz · 26/09/2021 20:07

If his daughters are 19 and 20, how often do they actually stay over at his house currently?

Do they not work / go to uni / have boyfriends?

Do you really need a bigger house given they’re likely to move into their own places as they get older?

Babyroobs · 26/09/2021 20:07

@KippersHangover

It is a financial issue. It does mean their DC will get less financial support / inheritance.

Same with any sibling isn't it?

The ex wife's second daughter coming along means her first will inherit less. Her first daughter didn't ask for the second to be born, how selfish of the ex and OPs DP to have two!

There's never guarantees of any inheritance and if there is inheritance then it's highly likely the first two girls would have 2 lots of inheritance as when parent split if they both buy a house there are going to be shares of two houses to inherit.
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