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Original poster

Partner’s ex wife what do I do!

166 replies

Mamana127 · 26/09/2021 18:29

May I please have some advice from people who have dealt with with. I’ve been with my partner 6 years. We met 1 year of him being single and living alone. We have a 3 year little girl together. He has his own place while I have mine, but he spends majority of his time at mine.
When I got pregnant Ex wife went all crazy saying he promised not to have kids with anyone else, she denied him access from seeing his two girls 19&20 yrs for one year until the girls reached out themselves. Fast forward they now see their dad but only at his place. Meaning he has to go back there each time they say they want to come. They also didn’t want to know our little one until recently when she turned 3.
Now my problem is the ex. I have tolerated her for too long I don’t know what to do. She calls and txts my partner asking him to go and fix things there, feed the cats when she is away, put things up etc.. now the most recent one was she sent a txt asking my partner to promise that his will will only leave everything to their two girls and he won’t change it forever. Because her will says the same. She says their wills should be the same. My partner relied and said no he has changed his will and has included our little one on it. She said she understands but can my partner promise that majority will go to their girls? And “no one else” He didn’t reply.
I’m so angry 😡 what has his will got to do with her? I want to talk to him about it but I don’t know what to say.
During their split he left her everything. The house, the savings everything and left with his pension. She is now saying she feels she will be poor when she gets old as the house will go to their children blah… he is giving her financial advice and tries to help her.
I have never met this woman and I’ve really stayed away from all her drama.
She has called me names I cannot begin to write here. I just simply ignored. Have I ignored too much.
I’m I out of order to want to chat to my partner about this?

OP posts:
YourFinestPantaloons · 26/09/2021 21:55

I feel like older divorced men making new families with besotted young women is something of an epidemic these days.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 26/09/2021 21:59

@YourFinestPantaloons 😂 I'm not that young to be over 40. Plus you can't help who you meet. Has someone hurt you?

OP posts:
TweetyPieBird · 26/09/2021 22:01

Did you intentionally get pregnant? Why would you when you don’t live together? You can both sell your homes and buy something together with the joint funds! Why does he need a separate house to see his adult dd?

He’s not committed to you. Ltb.

EKGEMS · 26/09/2021 22:02

Throw this dead fish back in the tank he's not a viable prospect and find someone who is capable of functioning independently

Cameleongirl · 26/09/2021 22:04

@HeartsAndClubs

It’s weird that the ex told him to leave….and now she can’t stop contacting him. I wonder whether she massively regrets it…you say she’s also estranged from her own family, perhaps she’s someone who falls out with people a lot. I have a couple of those types in my family! it amazes me that people are buying this narrative that the ex is estranged from everyone, hates the OP, prevented her almost adult children from seeing their father, and all this is being told to the OP by a man who has spent the past 6 years running backwards and forwards for the ex, refusing to move in with the OP, has been happy for her to know that his ex and his children apparently hate her?

Given the OP has never met the ex, has never heard any of this from her own mouth, knows nothing about her family, but does know her partner isn’t even committed enough to live with her or be a full-time parent to his child with the OP, I’m not sure he’s a credible source of information here.

Also, he apparently has two adult children who he’s so committed to that he wants to stay in his own house, and yet he has a 3 year old who it seems he couldn’t care less whether she A, lives with him, or B, has a relationship with her siblings.

@HeartsAndClubs. I’m not sure I do buy it, tbh, I said it was weird behavior….too weird to be believable, perhaps? As you say, she only has her DP’s word for it.

Although I genuinely do have family members who can start arguments over nothing and have ended serious relationships, then massively regretted it.

Plumtree391 · 26/09/2021 22:04

Please don't consider buying a house with him, op.

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/09/2021 22:06

Not sure how you afford to run two homes with him being at yours most of the time with his feet under the table and waited in - pops to his EW house (with your consent) for what? Putting up a new shelf?

What divorced woman wants an ex partner to rely in? Is she not capable of doing it herself or hiring a handyman?

What aren’t you questioning this?

His girls could stay in a hotel or bed and breakfast or at mum’s and spend a night at a restaurant, they’re a bit old for sleepovers aren’t they?

You make his life easy - how do he make yours?

ChrissyPlummer · 26/09/2021 22:08

Good God. You’re not sure if it’s a committed relationship but you chose to have a child with him? Bloody hell.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/09/2021 22:13

I honestly feel you are being played OP. He's spinning you a line.

You have a 3 year old but don't live together?

She stopped contact but the kids were adults!

He's right about one thing... she would poison your mind against him by telling you the truth probably. Please wake up.

JamieNorthlife · 26/09/2021 22:15

OP, the ex is horrible to ask a father to cut all ties with a child.
"I also think she regrets the split. She once told him he could move back home and be together again if he could cut all ties with me and our little one forever and never see us again,"

DillonPanthersTexas · 26/09/2021 22:23

I feel like older divorced men making new families with besotted young women is something of an epidemic these days.

These poor women with no agency being forced into relationships and motherhood by these predatory men.

QueenBee52 · 26/09/2021 22:49

He is playing you a blinder ...

you are not and never will be a priority in his life ...

toocold54 · 26/09/2021 22:54

Stop focusing on the ex. Just focus on yours and his relationship without blaming her for everything.

If you want to live together then it’s time to get on with it.
I worry that he’s never planning on living with you and is enjoying the best of both worlds. It’s fine for couples to not live together but he’s constantly using his girls and his ex as excuses and stringing you along instead of just being honest.

Lightisnotwhite · 26/09/2021 23:02

@CallMeNutribullet

Op his children are adults, this woman is still in your life because that's what your DP chooses
This. My DH is civil but doesn’t tolerate his ex wife on a social level in his life. She ok and their daughter is great but that’s it. His ex is not part of our lives and I don’t interfere with his daughter and her mum.

Financially she gets zilch and both his and my child get to keep their share of of whatever separate pots they have.

Plumtree391 · 27/09/2021 00:14

@Willyoujustbequiet

I honestly feel you are being played OP. He's spinning you a line.

You have a 3 year old but don't live together?

She stopped contact but the kids were adults!

He's right about one thing... she would poison your mind against him by telling you the truth probably. Please wake up.

They weren't adult six years ago when op and their dad got together. However the ex had no right to stop contact.

Ex is very jealous and possessive over her .... ex, and uses much blackmail.

It's disgusting that she would have him back but only if he had no contact with his little daughter, that is just inhumane! She a mother too, she should understand the needs of a child.

I'm thinking the situation will resolve itself when the older two leave home which is bound to happen before too long (fingers crossed).

It's a pity she hasn't found herself a boyfriend but she does sound like hard work.

moanymyrtle · 27/09/2021 00:35

I can see it from older dc viewpoint. My dc are that age and if their dad had a new baby and partner they would have zero interest in being part of a new family just as they are becoming independent adults. I think a lot of dc don’t want to be forced into a blended family situation and happy with the amount of family they have already got. I can see how his housing situation makes it easier for his dc but that doesn’t explain all the constant contact with their mum.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/09/2021 00:35

He's triangulating you. Why is he telling you everything she says about you?

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/09/2021 00:46

You aren't seeing what others can.

Everything is coming from him. Like the last poster says why is he telling you all this? You've only got his word for any of it.

I'm sorry but he's taking you for a mug. He's just not that into you. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

HarrisonStickle · 27/09/2021 00:48

She once told him he could move back home and be together again if he could cut all ties with me and our little one forever and never see us again

No, he once told you that she once told him...!

mobear · 27/09/2021 01:03

No advice but you have my sympathy OP Flowers. Sadly I’m in a very similar situation

GrandmasCat · 27/09/2021 06:18

Men going for younger women is as new as the human race.

The only big difference today is that more women work outside the home and therefore have the financial means to leave bad relationships. This also has given men more freedom to leave when they are not happy.

Big age gaps were also more commonplace in the past, when girls didn’t study for that long, while now, most people meet friends and partners of a similar age, through networks built around education so the expectation of age gap has changed.

Member984815 · 27/09/2021 07:25

She's taking the piss, seems she hasn't moved on ,how long are they divorced

HeartsAndClubs · 27/09/2021 07:41

They weren't adult six years ago when op and their dad got together. However the ex had no right to stop contact. no, the OP said the wife “stopped contact” when the DD was born 3 years ago, so they would have been 16 and 17 then. She would absolutely have been in no place to stop contact at that age.

I’m still convinced that he’s lying, that he is using his ex as a reason why he doesn’t actually want to be with the OP. The girls are 19 and 20 now. Even if they didn’t want to see him for whatever reason, or want anything to do with the OP or her DD, there is 0 reason why he should be in contact with the ex. None at all.

Added to which he seems quite happy for the OP to know all the nasty things this woman apparently says about her, even though she has never and is never likely to meet her.

But from some of the replies on this thread it’s easy to see how women fall for the “bitter ex wife” script.

DameMaureen · 27/09/2021 07:58

@Mamana127

Yes I like him, he really is a good dad to my kids and our little one. He is a good man to me, I trust him yes. I have not had any reason not to trust him. But there are so many questions I have in my head why things are the way they are and how I can deal with them. It’s tiring
He's a good Dad who doesn't even commit to live with you ?
MyOtherProfile · 27/09/2021 08:06

As his daughters are adults there is no need for him to be in contact with the EW any more. She doesn't need to call him about the girls as they can do that themselves. I would be explaining this to him and asking him to call it a day with the EW now and focus on you and his 3 children.