Partner’s ex wife what do I do!

[Mamana127]

May I please have some advice from people who have dealt with with. I’ve been with my partner 6 years. We met 1 year of him being single and living alone. We have a 3 year little girl together. He has his own place while I have mine, but he spends majority of his time at mine.
When I got pregnant Ex wife went all crazy saying he promised not to have kids with anyone else, she denied him access from seeing his two girls 19&20 yrs for one year until the girls reached out themselves. Fast forward they now see their dad but only at his place. Meaning he has to go back there each time they say they want to come. They also didn’t want to know our little one until recently when she turned 3.
Now my problem is the ex. I have tolerated her for too long I don’t know what to do. She calls and txts my partner asking him to go and fix things there, feed the cats when she is away, put things up etc.. now the most recent one was she sent a txt asking my partner to promise that his will will only leave everything to their two girls and he won’t change it forever. Because her will says the same. She says their wills should be the same. My partner relied and said no he has changed his will and has included our little one on it. She said she understands but can my partner promise that majority will go to their girls? And “no one else” He didn’t reply.
I’m so angry 😡 what has his will got to do with her? I want to talk to him about it but I don’t know what to say.
During their split he left her everything. The house, the savings everything and left with his pension. She is now saying she feels she will be poor when she gets old as the house will go to their children blah… he is giving her financial advice and tries to help her.
I have never met this woman and I’ve really stayed away from all her drama.
She has called me names I cannot begin to write here. I just simply ignored. Have I ignored too much.
I’m I out of order to want to chat to my partner about this?

[Mamana127]

I’ve never understood why they have been hostile, I’ve asked him and she he says it’s because of the EW poisoning their mind about me, reason why I don’t know because she doesn’t know me at all. They are ok now and talk to me and loves the little one takes her for a walk etc when we are at his house. We also go to his house at weekends but I like staying at my house as my kids go to school in my village and I like giving them the stability. My little one is really struggling with this idea of his house my house. She cries all the time when daddy has to go and see A&B and she wants to go but sometimes he takes her but sometimes he doesn’t as they want quality time with him. It’s totally Fd up I agree. The more I read people's opinions about it the more I see how daft I have been.
He says she has nobody, she is estranged from her family and has nobody but him to rely on.

[JamieNorthlife]

@HeartsAndClubs, thats a very interesting perspective. I wonder what is his secret, what is he hiding?

[Mamana127]

He lives with me at my house all the time until the girls call to visit, he is always at mine. His house is abit out of where I live and it would mean changing schools something I don’t want to do until I’m sure it’s a committed relationship.

[MrsWhites]

** I don’t want to do until I’m sure it’s a committed relationship.

It’s been 6 years and you have a child together - if you don’t think he’s committed to the relationship why are you still with him?

[FramboiseRoyale]

Surely it’s you and him in one room, your shared child who lives there permanently in the second bedroom and the older girls share the third bedroom as they’re only there part time.

OP has two other children. So they do need a bigger house if the partner's daughters come to stay on a regular basis. According to my count, that's seven people.

[JamieNorthlife]

Op, Im curious about something.

"When I got pregnant Ex wife went all crazy saying he promised not to have kids with anyone else, she denied him access from seeing his two girls 19&20 yrs for one year until the girls reached out themselves. Fast forward they now see their dad but only at his place."

"The reason for their split according to him is grew separate ways and she asked him to leave. "

This makes no sense, if she asked him to leave why would she be made him promise not to have more kids and go "crazy" because you had a child?

I think that he may be making up stories to keep you away from the truth.

[slashlover]

it would mean changing schools something I don’t want to do until I’m sure it’s a committed relationship.

You don't want to change schools until you're sure but you had a baby with him?

[TheMamaYo]

"She has nobody to rely on.' I wonder why?! Still not your (or his) problem though. He needs to grow a backbone.

[Mamana127]

I’m up for getting a place together but I don’t want to move my kids to live in his house which is also a three bed. We have discussed buying a bigger place near to where my kids go to school as they are still very young compared to his kids who are at Uni and can travel to us.

[JamieNorthlife]

@Mamana127, a very straight question(s) hope you don't mind.

Do you like him? I mean do you feel he is the right man for you? Can you trust him?

[Mamana127]

Yes I like him, he really is a good dad to my kids and our little one. He is a good man to me, I trust him yes. I have not had any reason not to trust him. But there are so many questions I have in my head why things are the way they are and how I can deal with them. It’s tiring

[Newkitchen123]

@Mamana127

He lives with me at my house all the time until the girls call to visit, he is always at mine. His house is abit out of where I live and it would mean changing schools something I don’t want to do until I’m sure it’s a committed relationship.

Where is he registered? His house? Then he doesn't live with you.

[JamieNorthlife]

@Mamana127

Yes I like him, he really is a good dad to my kids and our little one. He is a good man to me, I trust him yes. I have not had any reason not to trust him. But there are so many questions I have in my head why things are the way they are and how I can deal with them. It’s tiring

This means you have to resolve the issues with his ex wife. Next time your partner tells you about his ex or comments she made about you, ask him if he defended you and why not?
Tell him that he can't help her again or even mention she asked for help. He can give her a list of local handymen if she needs help fixing things.
Tell him that 2 years is a long time to search for a house. You are a family and this needs to be a priority.
Lastly, tell him you don't want to hear any more complains about her or any anything else about her. Set your boundaries. You don't deserve to be stressing because of his ex and whatever issues she or they have.

[toocold54]

OP has two other children. So they do need a bigger house if the partner's daughters come to stay on a regular basis. According to my count, that's seven people.

Yes you are correct that would make it very overcrowded.

I’m not sure how anyone can run a house and not live in it.
How often does his daughters stay with him?
If they were younger I would understand more but seeing as they probably don’t stay there that often if seems silly you’ve still not moved in together when you’ve had a child together especially if you’re practically living together anyway.

[JamieNorthlife]

Now the priority is to move to a bigger house, also this will reduce costs of running 2 houses.
Op needs to set her boundaries with her partner asap and the partner needs to show more respect and start letting go of his ex.

[Newkitchen123]

Sort out some viewings for houses you've found. See what his reaction is

[Redwinestillfine]

He needs to tell her to back off. She is overstepping. An emergency email address just for her that you both have access to is a good idea. '[email protected]' if you want to wind her up. No other communication. Not her business what his will says. If he didn't make one everything would be split equally between all his children (assuming their divorce has gone through) . I assume it she just doesn't want you getting anything. It's only really a problem for her if you get married. Try not to let her get to you.

[Gilly12345]

They both need to move on, she needs to be independent and sort out her own problems/issues/cats etc and his priority should be with you and seeing his grownup Daughtes.

The sooner you all live together the better and his Daughters are old enough to visit him /all of you in the home you get together.

[JamieNorthlife]

@Redwinestillfine

He needs to tell her to back off. She is overstepping. An emergency email address just for her that you both have access to is a good idea. '[email protected]' if you want to wind her up. No other communication. Not her business what his will says. If he didn't make one everything would be split equally between all his children (assuming their divorce has gone through) . I assume it she just doesn't want you getting anything. It's only really a problem for her if you get married. Try not to let her get to you.

Maybe they should get married....

[Cameleongirl]

It’s weird that the ex told him to leave….and now she can’t stop contacting him. I wonder whether she massively regrets it…you say she’s also estranged from her own family, perhaps she’s someone who falls out with people a lot. I have a couple of those types in my family!

[HeartsAndClubs]

@ JamieNorthlife Well, if he treated his ex the same as he treated the OP then what would she have to tell the OP about him?

OP says he gave her everything after the divorce, but he has a big house? That’s. Bit of a contradiction isn’t it? If he literally gave her everything then he wouldn’t have been able to afford a big house? He wouldn’t have had any equity for a deposit etc?

Maybe he’s abusive. Judging by the fact he’s convinced the OP the ex hates him, and the girls hate him it’s very evident he’s capable of gaslighting at the very least.

[angieloumc]

@Mamana127

He lives with me at my house all the time until the girls call to visit, he is always at mine. His house is abit out of where I live and it would mean changing schools something I don’t want to do until I’m sure it’s a committed relationship.

A committed relationship? You've been together six years and share a child!

[HeartsAndClubs]

It’s weird that the ex told him to leave….and now she can’t stop contacting him. I wonder whether she massively regrets it…you say she’s also estranged from her own family, perhaps she’s someone who falls out with people a lot. I have a couple of those types in my family! it amazes me that people are buying this narrative that the ex is estranged from everyone, hates the OP, prevented her almost adult children from seeing their father, and all this is being told to the OP by a man who has spent the past 6 years running backwards and forwards for the ex, refusing to move in with the OP, has been happy for her to know that his ex and his children apparently hate her?

Given the OP has never met the ex, has never heard any of this from her own mouth, knows nothing about her family, but does know her partner isn’t even committed enough to live with her or be a full-time parent to his child with the OP, I’m not sure he’s a credible source of information here.

Also, he apparently has two adult children who he’s so committed to that he wants to stay in his own house, and yet he has a 3 year old who it seems he couldn’t care less whether she A, lives with him, or B, has a relationship with her siblings.

[Bizawit]

I voted YABU because
You have a DP problem. Stop blaming his ex. If his children are grown up then it was entirely their decision not to see him for a year- their mum couldn’t have prevented them seeing him, they are adults! It’s completely understandable that they would be angry at their father for hurting their mother and then having another baby 16/ 17 years younger than them. Again, totally unfair to blame the ex for this. Of course your partner’s ex isn’t going to be happy that your new child has partly disinherited their other two children, but she has no control over his will. If
You have concerns about your partners will you need to bring it up with him, not his ex!!

[Mamana127]

He lived in a rented place until his his parents sold their home and gave him money to put down as deposit plus a mortgage.
I also think she regrets the split. She once told him he could move back home and be together again if he could cut all ties with me and our little one forever and never see us again, I asked him if he had asked her to get back. He absolutely denied it. He said NO to her and said he was happy helping her but didn't want to get back as he was in a happy relationship with me, she blocked him for a while the. She Re surfaced again after a while saying she suspected she had cancer and was asking for help to find a cleaner, etc it's totally messed up! And yes I have allowed it thinking I was being kind.
Well thank you all for all the advice you have given me. I think it's time I speak out and let everyone know what I'm thinking and that I'm not a walk over as they would like to think.
I don't care about money I have my own, but seeing from the comments I have really been acting super stupid. Yes sometimes it takes hearing it from someone else to wake up and smell the coffee.
Thank you all.