Partner’s ex wife what do I do!

[Mamana127]

May I please have some advice from people who have dealt with with. I’ve been with my partner 6 years. We met 1 year of him being single and living alone. We have a 3 year little girl together. He has his own place while I have mine, but he spends majority of his time at mine.
When I got pregnant Ex wife went all crazy saying he promised not to have kids with anyone else, she denied him access from seeing his two girls 19&20 yrs for one year until the girls reached out themselves. Fast forward they now see their dad but only at his place. Meaning he has to go back there each time they say they want to come. They also didn’t want to know our little one until recently when she turned 3.
Now my problem is the ex. I have tolerated her for too long I don’t know what to do. She calls and txts my partner asking him to go and fix things there, feed the cats when she is away, put things up etc.. now the most recent one was she sent a txt asking my partner to promise that his will will only leave everything to their two girls and he won’t change it forever. Because her will says the same. She says their wills should be the same. My partner relied and said no he has changed his will and has included our little one on it. She said she understands but can my partner promise that majority will go to their girls? And “no one else” He didn’t reply.
I’m so angry 😡 what has his will got to do with her? I want to talk to him about it but I don’t know what to say.
During their split he left her everything. The house, the savings everything and left with his pension. She is now saying she feels she will be poor when she gets old as the house will go to their children blah… he is giving her financial advice and tries to help her.
I have never met this woman and I’ve really stayed away from all her drama.
She has called me names I cannot begin to write here. I just simply ignored. Have I ignored too much.
I’m I out of order to want to chat to my partner about this?

[Babyroobs]

Lets face it op, assuming you own your own house, he owns his own house and the ex owns a house, none of your kids are going to be short on inheritance are they unless it all sadly gets gobbled up in care home fees.

[KippersHangover]

The doing things for ex wife isn’t an issue

I do think it's part of it to be fair to the OP.

Ex wife or not I would be really upset if my husband was rushing round to put shelves up for a woman who'd called me names "I couldn't even begin to mention on here" as OP said.

I don't care if he has children with her or not, or whether they were married for 5 or 50 years. I accept that my husband would need to converse with the mother of his children about them (to a certain degree at their ages) and I would be fine with him being friendly with her UNLESS she treated me like shit. At which point I absolutely would expect him to stand up for me by no longer doing any of this running around for her.

[Babyroobs]

@Babyroobs

Lets face it op, assuming you own your own house, he owns his own house and the ex owns a house, none of your kids are going to be short on inheritance are they unless it all sadly gets gobbled up in care home fees.

sorry should say none of yours or his kids.

[WorraLiberty]

So...

You have a baby together
You're not married
You're not living together
He's pandering to his ex
His adult daughters need his house to stay overnight in, rather than a hotel when they visit him.

I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Open your eyes to this man rather than focus on his ex.

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

There is no need for him to still be in contact with her. He is choosing to have her in his life. Perhaps he regrets breaking up with her? I don't know but this would be my worry.

[KippersHangover]

There's never guarantees of any inheritance and if there is inheritance then it's highly likely the first two girls would have 2 lots of inheritance as when parent split if they both buy a house there are going to be shares of two houses to inherit.

Of course not, my point was it's not just an issue when children from second families come about. Full siblings still potentially reduce inheritance for the others. And no child, nuclear or blended family, tends to get a choice as to whether more siblings come along. My point was the inheritance issue is not unique to step families.

[toobusytothink]

And at 19 and 30 he can contact his kids directly! Bar the very rare message perhaps about uni choices etc, she really doesn’t need to be able to have daily access to him!

[toobusytothink]

20*

[StellaCinnamon]

Out of interest OP were you the other woman?

[JamieNorthlife]

His ex is very controlling and it is none of her business if you two decide to have kids or more kids.

Can she hire a handyman to help her instead of calling your partner?
They are both disrespectful towards you. The ex, because she is interfering in your life.... probably deliberate as a form of control. The partner because he is weak and an idiot for letting his ex control him.

So... if you decide to have another child with him, does he need to ask his ex for permission? You don't deserve to be treated like this.

[Cherrysoup]

I blame myself for always saying yes to him going to help her as he asks me, 🥲

So stop telling him it’s ok. At least you can’t then blame yourself for him being an idiot.

@StellaCinnamon she clearly says no and what if she had been?

[KippersHangover]

@StellaCinnamon

Out of interest OP were you the other woman?

She literally says in the OP that she met him a year after they split. It's like the second sentence 🤦‍♀️

[StellaCinnamon]

Sorry I must have missed that. I was just wondering if it’s the reason behind the hostility eg the daughters not wanting to know their daughter

[MrsWhites]

@Mamana127

Yes he pays for our little girl and contributes to running the house.
He says he is keeping his house as my house is not large enough for his girls to visit him and stay over. Which is true I have a 3 bedroom. But he is not in a great rush for us to find a place we have been looking for 2 years now.
When we went camping during summer EW sent a message saying he needs to ensure his phone is reachable just in case she needed him for the girls. I’m just really tired of it all. I blame myself for always saying yes to him going to help her as he asks me, 🥲

Why did the ex wife even know he was on holiday?

Your DP is encouraging her ridiculous behaviour by engaging with her. His children are adults, there is literally no need for him to speak to his ex unless there is an emergency regarding their children.

It’s obviously concerning that a man you have been with for 6 years and have a child with doesn’t want to commit to living together as a family but then again as he is so clearly influenced by his ex wife you would he wise to think carefully before moving in with him, I fear you could end up in a tricky situation if you split up or god forbid something happened to him.

[Mamana127]

I met him 1 year after they split. They were in the middle of divorce. He had a brief relationship with another woman after he left before we met. The reason for their split according to him is grew separate ways and she asked him to leave. I came in way later.

[Mamana127]

I own my own house and work full time.

[HarrisonStickle]

I also think you have a DP problem.

However, I think the main issue is that he passes on to you things that his ex wife has supposedly said about you. Things that aren't very nice. What decent partner would ever do that? Next time he starts a conversation with you about what they have talked about, whatever it is, tell him you're not interested, that what they discuss is their business, not yours.

The second big issue is his lack of commitment. Why have you not found a house after two years of looking? How invested is he really in buying a home together with you? How would he react if you started to push this?

Third, they do seem to have a level of communication that isn't healthy. I don't think it's a particular problem in itself him doing things for her, but it feels like it's interfering in him moving on properly which is a problem. How would he feel about talking to her less, doing fewer things for her?

[JamieNorthlife]

@MrsWhites, good catch

"Your DP is encouraging her ridiculous behaviour by engaging with her. His children are adults, there is literally no need for him to speak to his ex unless there is an emergency regarding their children."

[Mamana127]

@WorraLiberty

So...

You have a baby together
You're not married
You're not living together
He's pandering to his ex
His adult daughters need his house to stay overnight in, rather than a hotel when they visit him.

I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Open your eyes to this man rather than focus on his ex.

I do. Sadly. 😢

[theleafandnotthetree]

@StellaCinnamon

Out of interest OP were you the other woman?

Well she wasn't but even if she were, the vast majority of what's described here would be ridiculous, inappropriate etc.

[ToCutALongStoryShort]

The ex wife is using their adult children to keep in contact with him, there is not really any other reason. He needs to stop to much contact with his ex. Is it to keep his adult children on side? How dare she call you names. Does he not say anything. You need to tell him to stop jumping to he tune. If he wants to that is, maybe he enjoys the attention? Sorry OP but why did you have a child with him when you don't live together, he sounds like he has the best of both worlds.

[Iwonder08]

OP, th ex sounds bonkers, but you are misdirecting your anger. It is your DH's fault all these things are happening.. He can say no, but chose not to.. His daughter are adults now so she can't restrict access, there is no reason for him to do everything she says.. He won't buy a house together, you are not married.. Perhaps you made it too comfortable for him?

[Cameleongirl]

Honestly, OP, I’d keep your independence and not consider moving in together until he’s distanced himself from his ex wife. As PP’s have said, there’s no reason for him to engage with her on this level now their DD’s are adults. IMO, he needs to enforce boundaries with his ex or face the possibility of losing his relationship with you.
In the meantime, protect yourself and your DD from it all and stay in your own home.

[HeartsAndClubs]

I wonder whether his ex really does say nasty things about you, or whether he’s concocted that story so that you never likely engage with her and thus learn the truth of why they really split up.

Let’s face it, given his children chose not to see him, and yes, they chose not to see him, they were too old for the ex to block contact, there is clearly far more to their split than you’re aware of. And if you were to be in contact with her then you might find out the truth.

I know my ex told his DP that I was slagging her off to him, and I absolutely know that he did it because he didn’t want her to find out just what kind of person he was capable of being.

She now does slag me off to all and sundry, and in her eyes I am the bitch ex who took him for every penny (which absolutely didn’t happen.)

I would either:

Get rid of him,

Or

I would seriously consider getting in touch with the ex to find out what’s really going on here.

I would bet my right arm that he’s lying.

[Butterfly44]

You're essentially a single mum. He's not moved in with you or in a hurry to find a place so you can all live together and he can be a full time dad to your 3yo. If he has a large house why aren't you living there? He lives in that house all by himself? His daughters are adults. They either visit or not, if they want to be difficult about it. You have a 3yo to bring up. The ex doesn't need to call him for the girls, they aren't children anymore.
You need some serious commitment and answers. I wouldn't be putting up with feeling second.