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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Royal Mail delivery man just warned DH I'm spending his money!!

384 replies

VitalsStable · 26/09/2021 10:42

I know not a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but just had a parcel delivered. DH opened door as I was busy heeding the call of nature.

The delivery man handed over the parcel to my husband and then mentioned in a strange voice that it had my name on it and he needed warning that I'm spending his money.

DH was a bit WTF and didn't say anything but was quite cross when he shut the door and said it was completely inappropriate.

The delivery was Christmas presents which I actually paid for from money I earned and although DH is the higher earner in our household the bloody Royal Mail guy wasn't aware of that. DH could have been my brother, a SAHD or had bought something on an account with my name on, I could be the higher earner and DH could be blowing my hard earned cash on frivolities.

Gggrrrr, sad that this idea of women still prevails in 2021.

OP posts:

fluffybunny98765 · 26/09/2021 13:21

Hate this shit! We were getting a pension info session at work, room full of women and the speaker was a guy. I asked if there's an upper limit you're able to pay in in total and the cheeky bugger said "oh well if you marry a millionaire..." for once in my life I was quick thinking and managed to hit back with "ehh or if I become a millionaire". Almost everyone in the room mentioned it separately to me later to say well done for putting him in his place. Probably the only time I've ever managed to get out what I wanted to in the moment! Hope he took it on board and didn't make that kind of flippant comment again.

Mantlemoose · 26/09/2021 13:22

Couldn't get worked up about that tbh. He was trying to be funny.

Mantlemoose · 26/09/2021 13:23

@Blossomtoes

The only people who would laugh either don't believe it's sexist, find boorish sexist jokes like this funny, or have internalised misogyny themselves.

Or recognise irony when they hear it. No wonder women don’t get taken seriously. This kind of nonsense just makes us look absurd.

Totally agree,

ThreeLittleDots · 26/09/2021 13:24

Or recognise irony when they hear it

A large number of people do not want to hear everyday sexism, ironic or not.

Unless the postie was a known comedian doing a satirical take down of everyday sexism?!

VanGoSunflowers · 26/09/2021 13:25

You are definitely not BU here.
It’s this kind of casual sexism that I absolutely hate he needs to be called out on it. I’d actually complain if it were me…

CityCommuter · 26/09/2021 13:26

@VitalsStable the joke was very dated but it was his attempt at humour / a joke so learn to calm down and wind your neck in... the fact is people don't talk as much to 'outsiders' anymore, it's like they've forgotten how to communicate so as a result when they try some people put their foot in it and say silly things sometimes, it's just the way it is... I'm in my early 40's but I think society has really changed even from 10 / 15 years ago in that you don't really chit-chat to strangers anymore such as at the checkout in the supermarket or the postman etc so social skills are lacking unless it's with family or friends... you sound highly strung and like one of those people where others have to be careful what they say around you or to you as otherwise you'll pull them up on it!

VanGoSunflowers · 26/09/2021 13:27

FWIW, I work with some men that make sexist jokes some of the time. However, because of the context… and because they’re usually actually funny, and because I know the people well enough to know they’re not misogynistic- I laugh along with them. Context is everything.

A stranger making that kind of joke would wind me up no end though.

PegasusReturns · 26/09/2021 13:28

We had similar with a decorator recently saying something along the lines of “she makes the choices you just pay eh?!”

DD piped up “my mummy earns the money in this house”

Of course he meant no offence but it was offensive. The assumption being a woman couldn’t pay for all this and the additional implication that I was somehow demanding something unreasonable.

The huge irony was that one of the rooms being decorated was my office, from which it was quite easy to determine that I clearly had a serious job.

Seriallover · 26/09/2021 13:28

Its just a joke though.

SuperStarRose · 26/09/2021 13:29

The point is, is that the world has moved on and this is a sexist joke.

The person telling the joke just wants to engage with another human being during his working day. He just needs to use another catchphrase more in keeping with the times.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2021 13:34

@Mantlemoose

Couldn't get worked up about that tbh. He was trying to be funny.

exactly. i cant believe some people are so thin skinned.

Congressdingo · 26/09/2021 13:36

@hulahooper2

I’m sure it was a jocular comment , you are overthinking this

This and the many many other sexist remarks are unwanted. Jo Brand said it better but it's the constant drip of comments designed to put the little woman in her place.

I have thrown out workmen who came to quote and either spoke to my partner or said similar things. I even gave one the chance by telling him straight to talk to me, give me the quotes and he turned around in his seat to talk to the man sat to his side.
I was livid, I told him he lost the chance of the job, it's my house, my money and still he couldn't bear to talk to me.

VanGoSunflowers · 26/09/2021 13:38

@Seriallover

Its just a joke though.

No it isn’t. Jokes are funny.

And if he was so desperate to make a funny, why not make some droll comment about the weather or something? Why is it ok if it’s at a women’s expense? Would you tolerate them making racist jokes to a complete stranger? Or is it only ok if they’re sexist?

ThreeLittleDots · 26/09/2021 13:38

Arghh I fucking hate it.

Electrician came to quote, spoke to husband the whole time, only addressed me when instructing on how many coffees he will require per hour, hahaha lol. Fuck off.

VanGoSunflowers · 26/09/2021 13:41

We had a very arrogant male kitchen fitter once. He (almost) fucked up the counter top. I wasn’t here the once and he was ‘explaining’ to DH about how it was our fault etc. My DH called me in front of him and asked me to come home to deal with it. The kitchen fitter started talking down to me, much more than he did to DH (so I found out later)

Needless to say, I soon put him in his place. He was little a pussy cat to me after that.

HappyMeal564 · 26/09/2021 13:43

@Seeline

It's amazing that people are still out there thinking all women are SAHMs.

This is just as bad! Women are SAHMs for all sorts of reasons. It doesn't mean that they are entirely reliant on their DPs. And even if they are, they are still doing their bit for society, and are entitled to make their own decisions, and spend money from the household income. They are not second-class citizens! Dads who stay at home are still put on a pedestal as being wonderful for giving up work to look after their kids. Women just get looked down on.

This

OhGiveUp · 26/09/2021 13:43

I can't get excited about that type of comment.
I had a similar comment once when I had been out shopping for some treats for myself. I just replied, well of course, I'm not daft enough to spend my own money when I can spend his.

Tavelo · 26/09/2021 13:44

The worst part foe me is even back in the last when fewer women worked/ earned as much it's not like they sat around doing fuck all if anything they worked harder and foe longer hours in the home and with the children, only without pay or recognition.

PinkiOcelot · 26/09/2021 13:45

Some people get so worked up about SFA. Unclench.
You know you paid for it, why do you give a shit what the postie said?!

neveradullmoment99 · 26/09/2021 13:46

@OhGiveUp

I can't get excited about that type of comment. I had a similar comment once when I had been out shopping for some treats for myself. I just replied, well of course, I'm not daft enough to spend my own money when I can spend his.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍

LaetitiaASD · 26/09/2021 13:49

@hulahooper2

I’m sure it was a jocular comment , you are overthinking this

Something can simultaneously be a "jocular comment" and also unfunny, pointless, annoying and sexist.

elkiedee · 26/09/2021 13:54

When I was working I was the slightly higher earner, though the difference wasn't huge. But DP is terrible with money, and the mortgage on our home is in my name because I didn't want debt collectors to think could try and claim our house - his debt at the time we moved in here was half the cost of our mortgage and about 40% of the value of our house. All the bills go through my account and I take money off him before it gets paid on the basis that council tax, utility bills etc will be paid, and most food shopping, kids clothes etc all go through me. When I was working I paid most childcare and it went through my account, and this was a factor in my decision not to apply for a job immediately after I was made redundant, because I had nothing after paying childcare and costs of actually getting to work etc, even in termtime.

I also order stuff for the kids and any pressies that get bought generally. So I would be very offended by such comments. Because we just don't have very much discretionary/disposable income.

Although we may be a rather more extreme example, I imagine that it's quite common in a lot of households for women to place most online orders for things the kids need - clothes and stationery for school, things that benefit the whole family and aren't just for the women who've placed the order.

Congressdingo · 26/09/2021 13:59

They send it to my email account, but addressed to him

My pet insurance provider did exactly the same. I organised it, I paid for it, I had to add partner as the other owner. Now any emails from them come to my email with his name.

And for the doubters royal mail are delivering in my northern town on sundays, have been since a few weeks after lockdown 1.

BadNomad · 26/09/2021 14:00

You need to know someone very well to be able to make jokes like that to them. I doubt the postie has that kind of relationship with the OP and her husband. Very inappropriate.

I had a sexist experience buying a new car a few years ago. Had a male friend trailing behind me at the time. The salesman came up to us laughing and said to my friend "Let me guess - you're picking the car and she's picking the colour?" His face was a picture after my friend said "Mate, I don't even drive" and he saw my cold smile.

Xenia · 26/09/2021 14:02

Our new neighbour chatting to me and another neighbour made some comment about women spending all men's money. I held my self back from saying not in our family! (He also has a wife who walks behind him and does not speak as is a norm in his culture). I earned 10x my children's father. It is time people realised plenty of us women are the highest earner at home.

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