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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Royal Mail delivery man just warned DH I'm spending his money!!

384 replies

VitalsStable · 26/09/2021 10:42

I know not a huge issue in the grand scheme of things but just had a parcel delivered. DH opened door as I was busy heeding the call of nature.

The delivery man handed over the parcel to my husband and then mentioned in a strange voice that it had my name on it and he needed warning that I'm spending his money.

DH was a bit WTF and didn't say anything but was quite cross when he shut the door and said it was completely inappropriate.

The delivery was Christmas presents which I actually paid for from money I earned and although DH is the higher earner in our household the bloody Royal Mail guy wasn't aware of that. DH could have been my brother, a SAHD or had bought something on an account with my name on, I could be the higher earner and DH could be blowing my hard earned cash on frivolities.

Gggrrrr, sad that this idea of women still prevails in 2021.

OP posts:
JMKid · 26/09/2021 15:29

Omg, it's just a joke. Stop over thinking it.

NCBlossom · 26/09/2021 15:30

There's nothing humorous or "minor" about the assumption that men control the money in a household. Especially because it's still true in a lot of households.

I do agree. I think I really realised it when I was in the position of not earning whilst my husband earns (and he earned a lot) - whilst I was looking after our child who had disabilities. I had always been the main earner before!

However, not being the earner for a time - it’s even more chilling to hear those kind of ‘she spends all the money’ jokes - especially when it props up the man to think that the wife shouldn’t, or should feel bad about it. It encouraged financial abuse - I know that sounds dramatic but it really does. A lot of women, are looking after the children. And you know what that is totally OK and to be respected by other men and women. It doesn’t mean that they then have to grovel to the husband and feel grateful for every penny.

Dinoroaraus · 26/09/2021 15:31

@JMKid

Omg, it's just a joke. Stop over thinking it.
Stop underthinking it
Dinoroaraus · 26/09/2021 15:32

@MissMaple82

Ots just light hearted banter. Better to be like that than a miserable postie that never speaks. Get a grip
I'd prefer a miserable postie who doesn't speak over sexist comments. They should be able to do their job, which is public facing, without insulting any one.
ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/09/2021 15:45

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@ifIwerenotanandroid

I hate the use of irony to excuse sexism. That was the 90's, people, & it was crap then.

Especially when there's no irony in what he said! A PP said I failed to spot it, but doesn't seem able to explain it?[/quote]
I agree, & I felt the same about the misuse of it in the 90's. It wasn't irony & it wasn't funny, any of it. It's also not satire, as far as I'm concerned.

Lily78123 · 26/09/2021 15:51

It’s a joke, relax.

Echobelly · 26/09/2021 15:53

It does really annoy me when people do those little things that seem to 'put women in their place', whether it's men sniggering watching you park (even if perfectly well), people in shops acting to men as though 'their' woman is obviously going to take ages and faff about, workmen being all 'Yeah, it's always the women who make the decisions!' (which is funny because obviously the bloke must have paid for the house - DH earns lots more than me, but the entire 6-figure deposit for our house came from my capital) and comments like the postie's - so grating.

Original poster
VitalsStable · 26/09/2021 16:10

Jesus this has got lots of comments.

DH said it wasn't said in a jokey way but quite sinister.

I've just asked 16 year old DS what was wrong with the comment and even he understood.

Always feels like we've come so far snd then boom, the only banter mob crawl out of the woodwork. Banter IMO is a way of trying to excuse something which is sexist/racist/homophobic or just plain rude.

OP posts:
Mreggsworth · 26/09/2021 16:10

It is annoying.

The other day I was chatting to a man I know through dog walking in the park, some how got on to the topic of weddings and I mentioned a venue I would like if I was to get married and he said "Johnny (boyfriend) best get saving then" ... why wouldn't we both be saving ?

I wasnt properly annoyed and didnt give it much thought, however did consider it to be an outdated thing to say.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 26/09/2021 16:17

She also thought men should put the bins out hmm

They should!

Sceptre86 · 26/09/2021 16:18

He was trying and failing to be funny. A hermes driver said it to my dh after I had bought stuff in the next sale and it was coming in dribs and drabs. I just remarked that I earnt and spent my own money in a cheery tone and that was that. It wasn't something I would stew over but remarks like that ought to be challenged.

OhGiveUp · 26/09/2021 16:37

Sinister?? 😂

3catsandcounting · 26/09/2021 16:39

I would see it as a lighthearted joke tbh, doesn't make it right though.
I find women are just as bad; a boutique near me (female owned) has a sign in the window saying, "your husband called and said it's fine to use the credit card" 😏🙄
Also during lunchtime conversations at work (school) it's always women that say "get your husband to pay/treat you", etc.
Or women that say "my husband's taking me out for dinner" or FB post saying "I have the best husband, he's taking me away to London for the weekend".
My DH and I just go out/away together, but then we're both happy to share finances (even though he earns 5X as much as me.)🤷‍♀️

SusieBob · 26/09/2021 16:42

Would love to know how he said it in a "sinister" way.

Did he do that thing where you point a torch under your chin and the light makes you look a bit scary?

Original poster
VitalsStable · 26/09/2021 16:57

@SusieBob

Would love to know how he said it in a "sinister" way.

Did he do that thing where you point a torch under your chin and the light makes you look a bit scary?

He said it was his tone of voice snd how he handed the parcel to him, it made him feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should tell him to stop being such a princess! 🤗
OP posts:
OhGiveUp · 26/09/2021 17:06

You definitely need to tell him that OP.
Sinister 😂 in like ' if you don't stop your wife from spending your money, I'm going to come back and murder her in her bed' type of sinister??

Musmerian · 26/09/2021 17:11

@hulahooper2

I’m sure it was a jocular comment , you are overthinking this
Jocular my arse. Annoying everyday sexism. I would have complained.
Original poster
VitalsStable · 26/09/2021 17:11

@OhGiveUp

You definitely need to tell him that OP. Sinister 😂 in like ' if you don't stop your wife from spending your money, I'm going to come back and murder her in her bed' type of sinister??
Pressing DH on his sinister comment. He said it was just off, tone, body language, facial expression, not like ho ho, jovial, elbow bumping fun, more go in and sort her out for spending your money type of exchange.
OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 26/09/2021 17:11

Mumsnet is very weird recently, I’m sure the MRA are on here just to disrupt us.

Naunet · 26/09/2021 17:17

God, all the women here defending men and their hilarious, unoriginal, sexist jokes. What lols. 🤨

Pallisers · 26/09/2021 17:23

Give our children some bloody credit
They can SEE their mother working in many many household

So if their mother is a SAHM it it ok to say is it?

rainbowmash · 26/09/2021 17:52

You're not overthinking this. That accusation (see also: "over sensitive", "paranoid", "crazy feminist") is used to keep this toxic shit trucking along and influencing culture, unchallenged, for generations.

Dinoroaraus · 26/09/2021 18:01

@Lily78123

It’s a joke, relax.
No
FatAnkles · 26/09/2021 18:07

I run tube stations and apparently I'm paid too much too.

I get sexist comments about once a week. You don't know how many times I've attended the barrier and some ugly fat specimen tells me to smile or cheer up love it might never happen. F... off! Our contractors often ask for the supervisor, I say, I am she, and they need their chins scraping off the floor.

I had some renovations done to my flat a few years back. I financed it myself, but the builders still wanted to run everything by my husband first, just in case.

OhGiveUp · 26/09/2021 18:23

@Naunet Not really, just not letting my arse chew my knickers over a joke that women also make.