Page 8 | To not understand how children bring anyone joy?

BiLuminous · 26/09/2021 15:42

I used to feel this way when I was depressed. I don't now...I genuinely enjoy them. I'm 3 years into recovery and it's only been the last year that I have done. One has additional needs too.

LizzieW1969 · 26/09/2021 15:50

Not necessarily. It’s well known that children with ASD mask at school, and it’s when they get home that all their frustrations come out.

^This. My DD1 (12) masks at school and only demonstrates her challenging behaviour at home. She hasn’t been diagnosed as ASD, but she has severe attachment issues as well as other SEN. (She and DD2 (9) are adopted.)

And, like the OP’s DC1, our DD1 is jealous of DD2 and accuses us of only caring for her. I will admit that it’s so much easier to feel a bond with DD2, as she’s that much more responsive to us, but I try hard not to show it. Sometimes I do wonder whether we made the right decision adopting DD2, but they are birth siblings and there is underneath it all a bond between them.

I’ve never actually despaired with DD1, but I’ve come close when she’s been awake at 2am refusing to go to bed. And DH is at breaking point sometimes too. (It isn’t helped by me having been suffering with Long Covid since early in the pandemic.)

We do remind each other that it isn’t DD1’s fault that she had a head injury at 6 weeks old whilst in foster care (she now wears glasses and hearing aids) and that she has attachment issues. But it doesn’t help in that moment when we have nothing left.

So I do get where you’re coming from, OP.

Staffy1 · 26/09/2021 15:56

@Titsywoo

Neither of my kids are NT but that doesn't mean they don't bring me huge amounts of joy and I find it pretty offensive that anyone would think otherwise! Sure there are hard times but there could be with NT kids too. Mine are both teens now and we have a great time together. They are both funny, kind and talented and make my life a better place every single day.

I also find it offensive. Yes, there is lots of worry and work and restrictions on the things we can do compared to with NT children but I find joy in seeing my son happy and can’t imagine life without him.

Peanutsandchilli · 26/09/2021 16:08

My children are bloody hard work. My eldest has additional needs, I have two under 5, one just started high school and another hormonal teenager. My husband is generally useless and spends all evening and weekend on his computer. Makes the odd meal, but that's it.

My kids are one of the few joys I have, despite being absolutely knackering.

headintheproverbial · 26/09/2021 16:11

It's utterly boring and I agree not massively joyful most of the time. I genuinely don't know if I am the crazy one or other people are!

worlddiy · 26/09/2021 16:15

I find joyful moments- many of them but I also feel low because there are so many challenging/draining times too. I fear the future because we haven't reached the teen years yet!

My eldest child is y5 and has adhd, asd, spd etc. My second is likely autistic (PDA) too. Third is similar too 1st but it's early days (I'll be amazed if our strong ND genes aren't there in some way though).
I stupidly had a third (which I'm embarrassed about and feel judged for). I didn't realise my eldest and 2nd had significant issues (the penny dropped when he started school and struggled by which point I was pregnant).
When they were small my 1st was hard work but delightful in many ways and 2nd seemed so easy in comparison (because he slept). My third brings me so much joy but I fear he'll become harder work as he gets older like the other 2 did.

I am soo jealous of other families. We just can't do so many things as it's no fun/ not safe if one gets overwhelmed. They can get on brilliantly but never for long. Child 1 also tears into no2 esp when jealous or seeking 'fairness'.

My first is can be polite and hilarious and his teachers and his TA adore him. They have the benefit of getting a break from him though!!

I do find myself wishing years away sometimes. The mantra 'it's all just a phase' is constantly on repeat - because although it won't necessarily get easier it does change over time.

I think you are probably depressed OP as well as having a difficult child which is just incredibly challenging. Try and find joy (just moments) in anything- if you can't see your GP.

Your child will grow and change and maybe the future will look brighter- we can all hope!

TheVolturi · 26/09/2021 16:43

We have 3, only 2 are nt. Quite close in age. And I mostly single parent them as dh works long hours. There is joy, but it's mostly hard slog. I find the joy mostly comes at the end of a long day when they're mostly all settled and ready for bed, probably because there is a glimpse of a chance for some peace, and we can have some time together before they go to sleep. Or when they occasionally all play lovely together, that does bring me joy, because it's rare!

TheVolturi · 26/09/2021 16:46

I saw an interview about autism with Paddy mcGuiness recently. The person interviewing him said well Paddy ,your children have autism but we know how much joy they bring you.. He said whoa whoa whoa, now come on. We all know as parents to any children that the joy thing is not true. They might bring you a tiny scrap of joy now and then, but the rest of its just bloody hard work!!

ufucoffee · 26/09/2021 16:50

Wrong. I was a single parent from when my children were very small and money was tight. I got great pleasure from them, enjoyed doing things that didn't cost a lot of money. It depends on where you look for joy. Life can be tough but if you look hard enough you can find things that give you joy.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/09/2021 16:53

We all know as parents to any children that the joy thing is not true. They might bring you a tiny scrap of joy now and then, but the rest of its just bloody hard work!!

I just don't think this is a given that all parents agree on? At times it has been hard work having children but 95% of the time I feel like it's been great, honestly.

I'm not saying people are wrong to find it joyless, just not everyone.

DixonD · 26/09/2021 16:59

I think a lot of people make the mistake of having further children when they already have a child with additional needs. Why anyone would do this, knowing how difficult their life is going to become, it utterly beyond me.

I have one NT child. I stopped at one because she has a cousin with severe autism and I was too afraid to risk having one with autism myself. We are incredibly lucky, and I love how easy she is. Her aunt and uncle though, went on to have more children despite having the one with such high needs and their life, well, they don’t have one.

LizzieW1969 · 26/09/2021 16:59

I think on a day-to-day basis it’s draining and hard to feel the joy (as I said earlier), but I still know that I wouldn’t be without my DDs.

DixonD · 26/09/2021 17:01

Oh, YABU. My child brings me immense joy. At least at the moment; no doubt it will be a different story once she hits the teenage years!

rhonddacynontaf · 26/09/2021 17:29

@DixonD

I think a lot of people make the mistake of having further children when they already have a child with additional needs. Why anyone would do this, knowing how difficult their life is going to become, it utterly beyond me.

I have one NT child. I stopped at one because she has a cousin with severe autism and I was too afraid to risk having one with autism myself. We are incredibly lucky, and I love how easy she is. Her aunt and uncle though, went on to have more children despite having the one with such high needs and their life, well, they don’t have one.

Kindly, fuck right off. This attitude is disgusting. Who the hell are you to tell me that my decision to have a subsequent child after my autistic one was a 'mistake'. Fuck right off. You know nothing about my life.

Goldbar · 26/09/2021 17:38

@rhonddacynontaf. Completely agree - awful attitude.

Why anyone would do this, knowing how difficult their life is going to become, it utterly beyond me.

Because they are more than just their child's carer. You don't stop being a person with dreams and aspirations (including, rather fundamentally, to have more than one child) simply because you have a child with additional needs. Life is so 'difficult' because we as a society don't adequately support families who need additional help.

jeanne16 · 26/09/2021 17:38

Slightly different focus but my DD is now in her twenties. She has a well paid job and I think most people probably think we are lucky.

However she gets so irritable with me and makes it fairly clear that she doesn’t really want to spend time with me. I feel so sad when I hear about other people who are close to their adult children.

There is very little pay back from DC and I’m not sure I’d have any if I had my time again.

rhonddacynontaf · 26/09/2021 17:40

[quote Goldbar]@rhonddacynontaf. Completely agree - awful attitude.

Why anyone would do this, knowing how difficult their life is going to become, it utterly beyond me.

Because they are more than just their child's carer. You don't stop being a person with dreams and aspirations (including, rather fundamentally, to have more than one child) simply because you have a child with additional needs. Life is so 'difficult' because we as a society don't adequately support families who need additional help.[/quote]
I'm on my sofa cuddled up my my two now, the one that will lead to me having 'no life' and the subsequent 'mistake'. I can guarantee my life has every bit as much love and happiness in it as theirs, probably more because I'm not spouting disgusting attitudes anonymously on the internet.

rhonddacynontaf · 26/09/2021 17:45

@jeanne16

Slightly different focus but my DD is now in her twenties. She has a well paid job and I think most people probably think we are lucky.

However she gets so irritable with me and makes it fairly clear that she doesn’t really want to spend time with me. I feel so sad when I hear about other people who are close to their adult children.

There is very little pay back from DC and I’m not sure I’d have any if I had my time again.

I think going into it expecting payback is the biggest mistake a parent can make.

Frogsandsheep · 26/09/2021 18:01

This comment isn’t aimed at the OP but some of the other comments on this thread and other threads like it.

I have 3 dc and only 1 of them is NT. We have asd and adhd in our household and it can be hard work at times.

However my boys (15,14 and 9) frequently bring me joy and I love spending time with them.
They are mostly well behaved and are very kind boys.

I know there can be an assumption on MN of a correlation between behaviour and adhd or asd. I hate the automatic assumption on MN that adhd = naughty and
asd = rude.
My son with adhd can be full on and annoying but he’s not destructive or malicious. He’s very sensitive and loving.

My son with asd lacks empathy at times and can be blunt but isn’t rude or unpleasant.

They struggled at school for a while but with the right support they are doing well now and are bright boys.

I wouldn’t change my dc at all and I am very proud of them.

TheGrumpyGoat · 26/09/2021 18:01

@jeanne16

Slightly different focus but my DD is now in her twenties. She has a well paid job and I think most people probably think we are lucky.

However she gets so irritable with me and makes it fairly clear that she doesn’t really want to spend time with me. I feel so sad when I hear about other people who are close to their adult children.

There is very little pay back from DC and I’m not sure I’d have any if I had my time again.

What do you want payback for? Raising her? That was your choice.

Frogsandsheep · 26/09/2021 18:03

@Titsywoo
I agree with your post completely
(See my similar post above!)

Thadhiya · 26/09/2021 18:09

@Bluerainbow86

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress. One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children? The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

Well, yeah I expect having NT kids helps... I guess?

But I've not got plenty of cash, and my kids are always a delight - smiling, laughing, work hard in school, lovely enjoyable outings and time spent together. Having children has been utterly wonderful.

I admit I never really understand these 'god i hate being a parent' posts but I can only assume you have some huge stressors involved.

TheGrumpyGoat · 26/09/2021 18:11

I admit I never really understand these 'god i hate being a parent' posts but I can only assume you have some huge stressors involved

You wouldn’t have to assume if you’d read all the OP’s posts.

AliceAbsolum · 26/09/2021 18:13

Hi OP. Your son sounds incredibly difficult. Like you said with anyone else you would be NC.

Is it possible for him to go to uni in 5 years time? You need a plan for when he turns 18. Could he live independently?

You need a break. Could you pay for a buddy or some respite? Any local charities?

TheVolturi · 26/09/2021 18:20

@Chicchicchicchiclana

We all know as parents to any children that the joy thing is not true. They might bring you a tiny scrap of joy now and then, but the rest of its just bloody hard work!!

I just don't think this is a given that all parents agree on? At times it has been hard work having children but 95% of the time I feel like it's been great, honestly.

I'm not saying people are wrong to find it joyless, just not everyone.

That is what Paddy mcGuiness said. I didn't say it. He was being truthful, it must be hard. I only have one with Autism but it's not a walk in the park.