To feel I have utterly let down my children by sending then to a state school?

[hibbledibble]

I went to a private school, and achieved very well academically.

My children go to a state school, as I can't afford private school. I will never be able to afford it sadly. They go to the local community school, which has a reputation for not being academic.

My eldest is extremely bright, and tested many years ahead of her age on entering the local primary. Now, she has failed to even get to the second round of the 11+. She has really just coasted at school, as they have not set any appropriate work for her, despite multiple requests. They say they can't offer 'gifted and talented' provision, due to funding.

Her sibling is very behind on learning, as she missed loads of school due to lockdowns, and the school offered very little remote provision throughout most of the time. I have asked for support for her, but am told that nothing is available, again, due to funding. Meanwhile, she is struggling with even the basics.

I do think that both of my children would have done better, had they gone to a school where their individual abilities and learning stage was catered for, and they were helped to achieve their potential. I feel I have let them down by not providing them with a good education, which they could have had if I had the money.

Now it's looking likely my eldest will have to go to the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue.

@BoffinMum

I don’t think this sounds very genuine. Most state schools are pretty good these days, the difference with the private sector isn’t as vast as you might think, and most middle class kids are rebounding well after all the lockdowns. Something is a bit off here.

I thought this too. Far cry from the experience of anyone I know. OPs children should have been in key worker school. There's tons of on line aps etc that schools use for home learning too & reading.

Maybe your children just aren’t that bright.

While 70% of independently educated pupils got As or A*s, the figure was 39% at state comprehensives.

Have you ever considered that this disparity could be linked to the socio- economic status of parents and the resources they have?

This is a very unusual year and, hopefully, this situation will never happen again. However, there will still be a disparity in a normal year because most prIvate schools are selective.

You can't blame state schools as you must know there are very many excellent state schools. I would say if you ARE going to blame yourself and get all hair-shirty then I'd say perhaps you should have ensured you lived in the catchment for a better state school, knowing you couldn't afford private. There are plenty of incredible state primary schools where your bright child would not have been failed.

Is this post serious?
I think you need to accept that your child is not gifted. I went to a pretty 'bad primary, my sister went to the same, she passed 11+, the teacher said she was the first in years. She had to give it up within the first month because my mother couldn't afford bus fares. So she joined me at the rough comprehensive. Guess what? She still got into Oxford. No tutors.
You're a doctor, you must be earning 50k+, private school is around 9k. You can afford it if you wanted to....
Although I'm not entirely convinced this is a serious post.

Plenty of state educated children pass the 11+

I don't think you can blame the school for that. Most have tutors etc or are just 'gifted and talented'. It could be that she actually just isn't that clever. Some children just develop faster, doesn't mean they'll always be ahead.

You could of course afford private. You're hardly on min wage.
Plenty of teachers afford private and teachers earn roughly half what doctors earn.

Do they, what schools and areas are these?

I mean you could de-register and enrol on inter High or similar, but you could easily afford an independent school.

From what I've learned on here (it's a different world as I'm in Scotland where grammars aren't a thing) is that 11+ are highly tutored for even for those at fee playing schools. On update though it seems you have employed tutors. Being bright isn't enough if they don't want to do it. Lots of bright/clever dc end up just coasting as they don't have the drive. Can't really blame the school if she's been tutored on top and still not achieving. Also being advanced at an early age isn't always a sign that they will remain so. Children develop at different rates and often even out in the latter stages of primary. I've witnessed this with my own dd who started primary ahead of all her peers but now very much middle of the road. It's not that she hasn't been given appropriate work or tried or not had the input at home, it's just that the other dc where perhaps less inclined to learn when younger have caught up.

perhaps you should have ensured you lived in the catchment for a better state school, knowing you couldn't afford private. It amazes me how sharp-elbowed people consider such things even before they have children these days!

The 11+ does not reflect what's in the curriculum. If your child is as bright as you say, he would have passed. The schools do not prepare for the 11+.

I just started working at a brilliant comprehensive school (non teaching).

We get kids to Oxford, many get lashings of As.

Every child's progress is monitored, and pastoral care is well run.

Given that state education works for 93% of the population it cannot all be shit.

I’m sorry I have no advice to give, OP. But thank you for your work. I hope things turn out well for your DC — many people make a good career despite poor schooling, and a good home environment like yours is important too.

Or perhaps your mistake was to invest everything in moving to an area with really good local(ish) super-selective provision for your DC, while not considering that other local state provision wasn't good. It's always a gamble assuming your DC will be bright enough!

@Puffalicious

Reading this thread there is so much judgement of schools. Schools have teachers that are trained to the same level: there is no difference on how well qualified a teacher is no matter where they teach: they all need a PGCE!

I don't agree with the OP, but I also don't agree with this. Yes they all get the same qualification at the end of the PGCE year, but the quality of the training varies massively because it depends which school you are placed in and whether you have a mentor who gives two shits or not. I have experienced this.

Very few people fail the PGCE, you have to be very incompetent. There are plenty who just scrape a pass but still pass.

Also the quality of a teacher isn't just down to whether they have a PGCE. Experience, personality, on the job training and many other factors affect how good a teacher is. Some are just not as good as others.

Bollocks! My brother and I both went to state comprehensive... I did OK, went to uni, where I flourished and by luck and hard work managed to get into a career early in my twenties and am very successful.

He did terrible at school, couldn't be bothered, did a few different things in his 20s and 30s but now nailing it a career he loves with a very good salary - better than mine!!

Calm down, the school hasn't failed them.

Not sure why you are blaming the school. You chose to send your children there and parental support was important during lockdown for younger children and with the internet there is a whole host of resources available.

the thing is, state schools aren’t focussed on the 11 plus so they do all their revision and consolidating for the SATs during year 6. I have no clue how the 11 plus works but you might fond that she passes the maths and English bit if she resits around the same time as the SATs in May

The title of this thread is so unaware at its arrogance I wonder at OP really working in a career to help people at all.

I have sympathy for you, OP, but I don’t think you’ve failed your DC. However, I would question why you can’t afford private school on a doctor’s salary. The range of fees across the country varies hugely and there are a number of private schools with lower fees comparatively. Perhaps consider moving when you’ve finished your training? You say you hope to be a consultant. I’m not sure how long that will take you, but surely you’ll have lots of money then?

For now - the 11+ generally needs specialised tuition, especially in some areas with only a limited number of grammar schools because they’re highly competitive. So pay for tuition - you can afford that.

You can also afford general tuition in any areas you think your DC has gaps in eg Maths.

You say your DC will have to go to “ the terrible, and rough, local secondary, and the underachieving will continue” but they don’t have to, do they? There must be better secondary schools near you. My local school is poor but if my DC fail the 11+ my back-up plan will be a secondary further away that’s a lot better.

Make a plan and write down the options you have.

Our local primary is not great but my DD is happy and enjoys going. It has many many children who are not getting any support at home- we live in a nice village on the edge of a very poor suburban town and our wee school is desirable. It has great results each year and dedicated staff. However, I know my DD cannot thrive to her academic maximum there. They have in school music lessons starting, we do ballet outside of school and do lots of educational and cultural things together as a family. When I need to, we will bring in a tutor.

There are some things you just have to do for your kids education. If your kids are HAPPY in school, then you MUST supplement their learning as best you can if the school doesn't measure up to your standards in other ways.

Are your kids happy in school?

I could have gone to private school and would have hated it just as much as state. I disliked going for about 10/14 years of education and don't want the same feeling to go to my DDs. We will home educate in the future if needed. I am in education myself so understand the issues better than most.

The education system is f*cked either way, if you can find a school where you, as a parent, can just sit back and watch them succeed with no additional intervention, I will be very impressed.

If you are sure it is definitely the school that is low standard then I'd say it is definitely worth trying to get into a different state school. No guarantee, but a high likelihood it will be an improvement. My dds large state comp was fabulous, she got all As and Astars at gcse which was an over achievement on her part and not expected earlier on in her life.

Not recognising this “coasting” accusation at dds state if anything it’s too pushy.

@MarshaBradyo Yep. People are kidding themselves if they’re genuinely saying that the role of a teacher is to give a “basic education” and the rest is down to the parents - that’s a far cry from what’s said on any thread complaining about a school! Totally not the attitude you normally see on MN.
Parental engagement is incredibly important, but the idea that a teacher can get away with not differentiating work and still be let off the hook on here is a new one!

OP in the kindest way possible, you are being unreasonable. I can say this as I have been in your position and sent my oldest through private school as a medical student and junior doctor- it was only possible with family support and the help of the www.royalmedicalfoundation.org/
I’ve included the link to the RMF should you wish to look them up and apply for fee support- but my honest advice to you would be to not bother with private. It is not worth the money.

It’s the same in education as it is with healthcare- the state will always do it better! You just need to find the right state school. If I was going to hospital for a procedure I would always want to do that within an NHS setting where I know I will have access to a full team of doctors (not just a consultant) and an ICU should the worst happen, rather than being stuck in a private hospital somewhere waiting for an ambulance to transfer me to an NHS hospital.

I know a lot of people who went to private school, only about 10% of them can afford private fees for their kids. Private school can make kids complacent, entitled and leave them ill prepared for the real world. A good state school gives a child invaluable life experience, the ability to mix with people from all walks of life, but most importantly it gives them Grit - this is a growth mindset that they can succeed if they are prepared to put in the work.

My son went to one of the best private schools in the country (consistently in the top 20 on the Sunday Times List) - by the time he got to GCSE he was failing, he lacked motivation, he lacked grit. I had assumed all I had to do was put him in private school and he would do well. I was desperate to get him into the state sector, but his GCSE results weren’t good enough for the grammar school closest to us - he missed the entry criteria by one point. The high achieving private school he was at said he could not continue with them as his grades weren’t good enough. I am ashamed to say it, but I still had not learnt my lesson at that point, and sent him to a private sixth form - where he got B,C,D,E for his first year of A-levels. That was my wake up call. I was still in training at that point, but I did an interdeanery transfer and moved 300 miles away so I could get him into an excellent state school. I had to beg them to let him resit his first year of A-levels. He did a 180 and got straight As, then went on to a Russel group uni. I know this is anecdotal evidence, but as I said initially, most people I know who were privately educated can’t afford the same for their kids- in my experience the state sector always does it better.