AIBU to think MN is a different universe to the real world

[FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo]

Reading a post about someone who is worried about money. Answers:

Take in ironing - honestly, I know very, very few people who give a shit about ironed clothes let alone outsource it. Plus you’d need a half decent iron to do it efficiently which costs money. And it’s usually suggested to a single mother who’s already burning the candle at both ends to survive.

Rent out your mortgaged home and rent elsewhere - ignoring the legalities of renting out a home you live in, where are all these houses where rented is cheaper than mortgages? Certainly in my area the only thing I could afford for the SAME as my 3 bed detached mortgaged would be a 1 bed rented studio or otherwise moving 30 miles away and needing to commute back to school and work.

Take it a lodger - great idea in theory and especially if single/ child free couple - but are most of you really okay with that if you have small children? I wouldn’t be comfortable having a stranger living in my home and having potential access to them whilst I’m asleep/ distracted, whatever.

I appreciate people are trying to be helpful but it just sounds like mimicked sound bites without a lot of thought about practicality.

So AIBU to think MN trope responses are an entirely different universe or do I just happen to live in a vacuum where these things are really considerable?

@UnsuitableHat

I sometimes think that people don’t have much concept that others’ financial situations could be different to their own. There seems to be incredulity at anyone who doesn’t drive, lives at home after age 21 without actively saving for a property or can’t just drop everything and leave their relationship despite having no income. There also seems to be an expectation that most emotional difficulties could be solved by ‘therapy’. The range of perspectives on different topics is really interesting though.

I think most emotional difficulties can be solved through therapy, or at least it would give people the perspective to get out of the toxic situation. The problem is that therapy on the NHS is difficult to get and usually only 6-8 sessions, quick access and enough sessions to really make a difference costs a lot of money, which is an option many do not have.

The thing is, if someone's on the bones of their arse, there is literally nothing else you can do other than sell things, get a second job or better job or somehow reduce your living costs.

Short of winning the lottery, bagging a rich man or growing a money tree, there is nothing else to suggest. So I don't think posters are necessarily being dense, just making suggestions.

I think also when posters make suggestions, it's from personal experience a lot more than is given credit for. Especially on the threads where it's advice on saving money etc.

Sometimes a poster just has a really defeatist and full of excuses attitude. People suggest things that perhaps aren't particularly desirable to do, but if you're serious about changing your situation, it's not always going to be sunshine and skittles along the way. People drawing from personal experience get shot down with "you clearly don't get it, if you think that's an answer.". And I often think, no, they do get it, and it would work, because they've done it...you just don't want too.

Gogohm says,
I personally do pay a lady £1 a shirt sometimes, I can afford it, she needs the money (old neighbours) and says she likes ironing.
///
one pound per shirt sounds measly to me. could you up it a bit.

@skybluee

The salary threads make me feel like total shit to be honest. The numbers don't reflect the world I know (black country, midlands).

I honestly feel shit when I type this. It says the UK average salary for women was 33K in 2020. I don't know anyone who lives here who earns that. And the figures quoted on mumsnet are always way higher than that.

Don't feel like shit. The vast VAST majority of wealth-brag posts on here are made up. It's so obvious when you read them. They make me laugh sometimes.

As a pp said, the people who brag about having a MASSIVE salary would have to be in a high-powered career where you have barely any time to scratch your arse, let alone spend many hours a day on mumsnet.

I don't know know what people get out of it or why they do it, but there are a lot of liars and fantasists on mumsnet. I don't know why they think anyone on mumsnet gives a shit about the fake life, and pretend high powered career, and non-existent wealth some random fucker (allegedly) has!!! So. Bizarre!

I do love to see them get really annoyed when people don't believe them though, and accuse them of being sooooo jealous and sooooooo bitter. LMFAO at that. They can't accuse ANYONE of being jealous or bitter, because they know fuck-all about what anyone on here has actually got, what our earnings are, and what kind of home we live in.

Lots of people take in lodgers where I am. It’s quite common. Even if they’ve got children at home. I’ve got one.

Yes it is a parallel universe, but actually, it depends on what day/time you post and what the first reply to your post is. Whatever the first post is, the remaining posts will follow suit a majority of the time. It’s a funny place. You need to sift through the shit sometimes.

@skybluee there is a very high profile Mumsnetter and I realized who she was IRL. She is indeed as rich as she said she is, £2.8 million house, huge divorce settlement given to her hubby. She is ALWAYS on mumsnet but then again she is self employed.. She is also older and bought her house in 1997 for 850k but that was probably a princely sum in those days (considering my MIL bought her house in london for 100k). There is a big difference between people in their 40s/50s and people in their 20s; salaries in the UK have barely crept up 0.6% in the last 10 years but house prices have grown 74% so someone who started their career 20 years earlier would have had the benefit of higher earnings in real terms AND cheaper property so could have a much nicer house.

And also north south divide. What I did notice is that despite Mumsnet having so many rich women, i have seen hardly any posts where people below the age of 40 have managed to buy a house (not flat; even I bought a flat with our below average income) in London z1-3 in the last few years. Almost all large house purchases are outside London. While DH's mum who has never earned above 16k managed that in 1997. Which means a lot of the house buying is financed by house price appreciation in london which enabled the next move to a cheaper area.

But definitely don't feel bad. You can't really compare yourself if you are in your 20s to a 40/50 year old.

There is a big difference between people in their 40s/50s and people in their 20s;

Yep. The poor who are in their 40s and 50s are truly fucked. Because, of course, despite easy lazy stereotyping the privileged don't represent all of their generation

The fastest growing group of private renters is the 40+ age.

They're really buggered. Unlike younger people, time is not on their side, to try to gather together the money for secure housing. They also don't get any of the taxpayer funded support for housing, eg. The LISAs discriminate against older private renters/homeless because they're offered only to under 40s.

"Don't feel like shit. The vast VAST majority of wealth-brag posts on here are made up. It's so obvious when you read them. They make me laugh sometimes. grin*

Why obviously made up? Why automatically assume people who honestly state their circumstances are liars because it's too "wealthy" for your self induced boundaries of realistic? I don't read them at all and think this is made up.

As a pp said, the people who brag about having a MASSIVE salary would have to be in a high-powered career where you have barely any time to scratch your arse, let alone spend many hours a day on mumsnet.

Again, this is a bad assumption from someone not in that position. At my personal wealthiest, I had loads of free time. I was self employed and worked completely on my terms. Bags of free time to be honest. As it is now, my income is pretty much zero, because I'm a SAHM. But DH earns really well, which means there's no pressure for me to financially provide at all. So, when I'm not chasing DTwins, I can sit on MN all day if I want.

I do love to see them get really annoyed when people don't believe them though, and accuse them of being sooooo jealous and sooooooo bitter. LMFAO at that. grin

Well, aren't you pleasant. People get upset and angry when they are called liars, when they are nothing of the sort. It shows in their responses that the nasty accusations are upsetting them. And you "love to see this."

They can't accuse ANYONE of being jealous or bitter

Except it's not an accusation, it's exactly how these "liar aren't you" posters sound

because they know fuck-all about what anyone on here has actually got, what our earnings are, and what kind of home we live in.

Oh, the irony...

@onlychildhamster my ex's two sisters are both on here all the time. Pair of them have millions. Neither work.

It's sad how I can read your post and think, oh, interesting, and take the information in. And others would read it and call you/her a liar for simply stating the facts of her circumstances. With a good deal of laughing in your face, as you're deliberately branded a liar, because it's really "funny" to watch.

@MyPatronusIsACat I have to disagrree with you here re salary threads. Yes, there will be some fantasies posted, but for the most part I believe the posters are being honest and helpful, giving their reality.

I think it is really critical for young women, any women actually, to hear from those who have successfully made careers that earn well. As has been said, many of us are much older (I'm heading into retirement after almost 40 years of work!) and so have had long years in which to reach their level of pay. Many of us also have no children at home, so have more time to MN. Even while earning high salaries - at my level I make my own hours, and don't watch the clock. I also start work when I wake and check last emails before sleep. I'm beyond the years of working all the hours god sends, but I've been there. Now I can stop and start and take M breaks as I wish.

I've been poor, and had food insecurity and know how hard it is. I feel that I can contribute to posters asking for suggestions, it is the variety of the MN experience that makes it what it is. And I value that immensely.

telling someone off for drip feeding when someone has no way of knowing all the crazy shit that they will be asked

that and the ops words are twisted or a backstory is demanded,ok sometimes a backstory is needed but not always and the op is accused of lying, exaggerating or holding back information.

I haven't seen a salary thread where people are defensive about being called liars.

Why would they be? it really doesn't impact them if a random MNer doesn't believe them

I haven't seen a salary thread where people are defensive about being called liars.

I haven't really seen a salary thread at all to be honest. It's usually a normal subject, how to earning a little extra, childcare being expensive, budgeting, what's the average spend on xyz.

And it tends to go:

4 or so posters advising pretty similar, on their situation, which is proportional to their income.

1 poster popping up saying "gosh, those 4 earn loads more than me, I could never afford that"

Then usually a couple of posters seem to pop up from nowhere, to tag team, so to speak. Assuring the poster who has just shown surprise, that she is wrong to be surprised and how MN is full of people pretending to be on "6 figure salaries and two degrees", essentially sneering at the first few posters. I don't know where this mentality comes from. It's unpleasant and no better than playgroup bullying.

I know it's the internet, and to some extent you'll always get trolls and people who just make shit up. But I think sneering that people must be lying because they're stating that they're richer/more educated/an uncommon profession/have a particular circumstance that you personally have issue accepting is true, well, that's a pretty miserable and unkind way to be. It's all over threads, and it's tedious.

A few years ago there was some site called My Name is Dave (after David Cameron) where you could compare how you were doing with others the same as you - so same age, locale, education etc - which is much more useful.

Obviously as a general rule someone in their 50s earns more and has a better house than someone in their 20s. That is why “average income” is a silly comparison - it includes school leavers and pensioners.

Whenever I give my advice about starting a business and how successful I’ve been I always get called a fantasist and a liar. On one thread I was a called a criminal and a prostitute. That was fun.

Thing is that I’m being completely truthful, so much so that I’ve talked with MNHQ about taking down my threads and they asked me to leave them up because they’re inspirational to those that believe me. Those that do reach out to me via DM and I give all the advice I can.

This goes both ways. People believe that not everyone can change their financial situation by doing what I did and therefore shout down any advice that might help. It’s a pretty toxic mindset that keeps people stuck.

My “different universe” MN thing is the “tell your line manager” at work about anything. Or even “contact your union”.

Not everyone works in the public sector or for large companies.

@DottyHarmeryiu don’t have to work in the public sector or for a large company to join a union. Unite and GMB are open to people in any sector.

"Whenever I give my advice about starting a business and how successful I’ve been I always get called a fantasist and a liar. On one thread I was a called a criminal and a prostitute. That was fun.*

Oh, and how clever they think they sound with their jeering and insults. Sorry you've experienced this.

Thing is that I’m being completely truthful, so much so that I’ve talked with MNHQ about taking down my threads and they asked me to leave them up because they’re inspirational to those that believe me. Those that do reach out to me via DM and I give all the advice I can.

That's great to hear. I've asked for a thread deletion before (and I think it was deleted) where it was just nasty. It was something where the OP was asking something really trivial like how to take a good selfie. I tried telling her about light and the difference it made. I gave her a variety of things she could try. People were sneering at me for daring to mention I used to model (liar! prove it! post your pictures or this is fake!) and then anyone who tried to say "any reason why you're being so nasty or claiming she's a liar" were labelled "groupies, wannabes or fangirls" and turned on. It was vile.

When I spoke once about the man I used to date, I was almost immediately accused of being an escort and a prostitute, as well as a liar to boot.

It's good that your threads remain, as you don't know who you may have inspired. It's a shame though, because if you're anything like me, I would be happy to offer far more of an insight, or pass on knowledge if their weren't these people insulting and accusing all the damn time. There are threads asking about things I know or have experienced, and my input might help the OP, but if my experience requires mentioning, for context, something the "liar" crowd can't stand hearing, I say nothing.

This goes both ways. People believe that not everyone can change their financial situation by doing what I did and therefore shout down any advice that might help. It’s a pretty toxic mindset that keeps people stuck

It's a pretty toxic mindset that keeps people stuck. Very true indeed. I also find that if you call these types out, and ask where this anger comes from you get this weird sort of:

"Ah ha ha, sorry to burst your bubble but I'm not bitter, I'm very happily married and doing very well for myself so nice try loooooooool"

Almost every time.

Yeah and when someone is struggling to get through every day people always suggest they get a cleaner/au pair/buy hello fresh or gousto boxes. So blinkered and privileged, I honestly don’t know anyone who has a cleaner or au pair.

dryasaboner

The funniest thing I saw yesterday was someone advising a mum who couldn't afford swimming lessons to just get a promotion 😂”

Well that’s plainly just silly.

In such circumstances, one builds a swimming pool in the garden, obviously 🙄

@MrsSkylerWhite

dryasaboner

The funniest thing I saw yesterday was someone advising a mum who couldn't afford swimming lessons to just get a promotion 😂”

Well that’s plainly just silly.

In such circumstances, one builds a swimming pool in the garden, obviously 🙄

Or on the balcony of their 12th floor flat ! They should be making more effort!