To think childfree weddings are pretty normal now

[LeVole]

We got an invitation for a wedding and the couple specified no kids. This didn't surprise me at all but DH and my mum were both surprised by it.

AIBU to think it's very normal nowadays to exclude children? Personally I didn't as we had a lot of close family with young kids and very few friends with kids but it makes sense if you're in the opposite situation. I think we payed £20 per head for toddlers!!

I don’t mind either way… but when people get upset about declining as no child care, I do wonder what they expect you to do with them? Leave them home with a microwave meal and Disney channel on?

For me, a childfree wedding is just an extended and expensive night out. If you have a multi-generational wedding it becomes a real event because the opportunities to get together like that are so few and far between.

As a pp said the only problems I've seen at weddings have been with adults overindulging and getting overly tactile/throwing up/falling out with partners etc.

@Pottedpalm

Our wedding, over four decades ago, was child free ( well, DH’s aunt brought his cousin anyway, dressed as a page boy) and DSis’s wedding was also child free. That was stressful as we had 9 month old DTs and no family to leave them with. They spent the day with a babysitter recommended by the hotel. Not ideal, but her wedding, her choice.

@Pottedpalm I need to hear more about the page boy that was just brought along!

I would usually have a better time at a wedding without my kids there so no issue with child free weddings. But, don't - like a recent bride I've encountered - get upset when people can't attend.

We live a flight away from most family and friends, which usually means 2 nights away to attend a wedding - night before and night of. Both of us attending means a grandparent flying to us to babysit, which is a big expense, so usually only one of us would go, or we decline.

I do have a lovely friend who would have the kids for us, but my ds1 doesn't really get on with one of her DC so I don't think that's a fair situation to put them in. 3 kids for two nights is a lot to ask.

I think weddings are a family celebration and that includes children. Although child-free weddings are becoming more common

In my experience it tends to be 'child free' couples who have child free weddings as they often don't consider the implications. My DSis had a child free wedding (except breastfeeding nephew) She was Royal pissed off that our cousin couldn't make it due to having no childcare for his two children. They lived on other side of the Country and his wife had no family to leave them with overnight, and all of his side of family were also attending wedding. My sister thought it was ridiculous of him not to have a backup plan. Fast forward 5 years with sister has two toddlers and gets invitation to a child free wedding. She never spoke to the bride again because her prescious offspring were not invited. We did not have a huge wedding, but all cousins and friends had their children included in the invitations.

@WestendVBroadway

In my experience it tends to be 'child free' couples who have child free weddings as they often don't consider the implications. My DSis had a child free wedding (except breastfeeding nephew) She was Royal pissed off that our cousin couldn't make it due to having no childcare for his two children. They lived on other side of the Country and his wife had no family to leave them with overnight, and all of his side of family were also attending wedding. My sister thought it was ridiculous of him not to have a backup plan. Fast forward 5 years with sister has two toddlers and gets invitation to a child free wedding. She never spoke to the bride again because her prescious offspring were not invited. We did not have a huge wedding, but all cousins and friends had their children included in the invitations.

That’s not my experience. I’ve been to several where the only children are those of the bride and groom and maybe one other family. I know that’s not technically child free but almost all the guests had to find childcare.

Most people without children aren’t total idiots, especially if they’re older and have friends with kids. Bridezillas come in both child free and those with children varieties.

For me, a childfree wedding is just an extended and expensive night out. If you have a multi-generational wedding it becomes a real event because the opportunities to get together like that are so few and far between.

Why is a multi generational family event the only thing that constitutes a "real event"? Surely that's just down to personal priorities? Many people don't have large, multigenerational families and a "real event" would be catching up with old friends.

I really can't work out why people object to leaving their kids at home for weddings but not,say, a 40th birthday or work party
Well the latter two events are usually evening only aren't they, and in all likelihood are going to be fairly close to your home. Weddings on the other hand tend to be all day affairs and often involve significant travel, especially with the trend for "destination" weddings.
The logistics and emotional impact of leaving your child for potentially 2 or 3 days as opposed to a few hours in the evening, when they are likely asleep anyway are quite different. That's particularly true if it's a family wedding when it is probable that many likely babysitters are also invited.
Not everyone has a ready supply of people who are willing, or suitable, to look after their children. My children are old enough to be left on their own now, but when they were younger we seldom went anywhere without them. All our family, including both sets of grandparents live hundreds of miles away and mine were frail and elderly anyway, so we didn'thave many childcare options. I'd go out occasionally on something like a work Christmas do leaving my children with DH for a few hours, but leaving them overnight or for a weekend was a whole different kettle of fish.
Plus to be honest, I prefer my children's company to that of most other people. When they were younger I had to spend quite a lot of time away from them because of work so I didn't want to waste weekends and evenings away from them.
That said I wouldn't have been upset or offended to receive an invitation to a childfree wedding, I 'd just have politely declined. I wouldn't have given a reason unless pressed to do so as I think it looks like you're trying to emotionally blackmail the bride and groom. I think they are perfectly entitled to invite or not invite anyone they like, but the invitees have the right to decline. As long as everyone respects each other's wishes there shouldn't be a problem,

@CharityDingle
Said aunt had asked several times whether she could bring the cousin, aged about six, and we had reiterated no, it would be unfair as other young children were not attending.
They brought him anyway; she had deduced that there was a bit of a blue theme going on and dressed him
In blue satin knickerbockers and a frilly white shirt. He was clutching a lucky horseshoe on a ribbon.
The aunt kept pushing the child into the formal photos. The photographer didn’t realise and was asking for the page boy. My mother was very annoyed at the whole performance ( parents paid, as was common then), and if course there was no place set for him at the reception. I think the hotel cobbled together some food for him. I don’t understand why the aunt (and uncle) thought it was ok to do this!

If A arranges their childfree wedding at least a year in advance, then cousin X becomes pregnant and has a child within that time, do you really think it's okay for X to complain that their baby is not invited?

Most of the people I know don't breastfeed so it is less of an issue.

The bride and groom are organising their day (stressful enough I imagine) - go, don't go.

It isn't sexist that the 'one with the boobs' has to stay at home - you don't have to stay at home because you have boobs. You chose to breastfeed them - great.

But then you have to understand that you won't be able to do certain things because of the demands of your child. Honestly, weddings are boring. Does it matter if you miss one?

I don't get why so many people expect the world to revolve around them - you are one guest amongst many.

Depends if you are limiting the analysis to the UK or not. In the UK I would say 50/50. Elsewhere children are regarded as pretty integral to weddings. Not having kids at a Indian wedding would be unthinkable, and for weddings I have attended in Europe (Italy and Scandinavia), children are very welcome.

Of course you could have an evening invite (to compare with the 40th/work do) but then MN considers that rude

Why does the reproductive/feeding choices of a guest trump the bride, groom and all the guests?

@MrsAvocet

I really can't work out why people object to leaving their kids at home for weddings but not,say, a 40th birthday or work party Well the latter two events are usually evening only aren't they, and in all likelihood are going to be fairly close to your home. Weddings on the other hand tend to be all day affairs and often involve significant travel, especially with the trend for "destination" weddings. The logistics and emotional impact of leaving your child for potentially 2 or 3 days as opposed to a few hours in the evening, when they are likely asleep anyway are quite different. That's particularly true if it's a family wedding when it is probable that many likely babysitters are also invited. Not everyone has a ready supply of people who are willing, or suitable, to look after their children. My children are old enough to be left on their own now, but when they were younger we seldom went anywhere without them. All our family, including both sets of grandparents live hundreds of miles away and mine were frail and elderly anyway, so we didn'thave many childcare options. I'd go out occasionally on something like a work Christmas do leaving my children with DH for a few hours, but leaving them overnight or for a weekend was a whole different kettle of fish. Plus to be honest, I prefer my children's company to that of most other people. When they were younger I had to spend quite a lot of time away from them because of work so I didn't want to waste weekends and evenings away from them. That said I wouldn't have been upset or offended to receive an invitation to a childfree wedding, I 'd just have politely declined. I wouldn't have given a reason unless pressed to do so as I think it looks like you're trying to emotionally blackmail the bride and groom. I think they are perfectly entitled to invite or not invite anyone they like, but the invitees have the right to decline. As long as everyone respects each other's wishes there shouldn't be a problem,

That is exactly it! You decline gracefully and everyone's happy!

[quote Pottedpalm]@CharityDingle
Said aunt had asked several times whether she could bring the cousin, aged about six, and we had reiterated no, it would be unfair as other young children were not attending.
They brought him anyway; she had deduced that there was a bit of a blue theme going on and dressed him
In blue satin knickerbockers and a frilly white shirt. He was clutching a lucky horseshoe on a ribbon.
The aunt kept pushing the child into the formal photos. The photographer didn’t realise and was asking for the page boy. My mother was very annoyed at the whole performance ( parents paid, as was common then), and if course there was no place set for him at the reception. I think the hotel cobbled together some food for him. I don’t understand why the aunt (and uncle) thought it was ok to do this![/quote]
Thanks @Pottedpalm!

Poor child.
It would have made a great thread for AIBU.

And back in the day, weddings were about joining families but given that most of the time, the bride and groom live together, it's not the same

The whole "weddings are about bringing families together" thing makes me laugh, because if DP and I were to ever bother, a significant element of it would be celebrating escaping both of our wretched families.

Always love these threads. So if you don't have any family, your choices are to rent some children from somewhere, or accept that your day will be cold, unfriendly and uninviting?

(Also, how odd that 'cold, unfriendly and uninviting' are the exact words often thrown around to describe women without children. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.)

@gannett

The whole "weddings are about bringing families together" thing makes me laugh, because if DP and I were to ever bother, a significant element of it would be celebrating escaping both of our wretched families.

Ikr! It's not quite as antagonistic as that for me but I can't help but question the notion that two families are generally somehow joining when a couple gets married. We definitely have my family, and DPs family. Thinking back it was the same for my parents marriage, I can think of my mum and dad's side of the family being in the same place at the same time maybe 3 times? Including the wedding.

I think the notion of weddings being about wider families is as outdated as things like the father giving the bride away, when you actually stop and think about it. It's got very little to do with what marriages actually are in modern society, which is really just about the couple. What has it really got to do with families at large? Nothing.

We had kids at our wedding, loved it. For us, our wedding was a family celebration and having all the kids there was great! We compromised on the venue because that wasn't important to us and catered specifically for adults and kids with the food/entertainment and it felt like a lovely relaxed day where everyone felt welcome.

I don't really care if there's a 2 year old making aeroplane noises during the ceremony or a 6 year old doing the floss on the dancefloor. For me it made it all a bit less formal and stuffy and I just appreciated the fact that everyone made the effort to come and celebrate with us.

@AudacityBaby

Always love these threads. So if you don't have any family, your choices are to rent some children from somewhere, or accept that your day will be cold, unfriendly and uninviting?

(Also, how odd that 'cold, unfriendly and uninviting' are the exact words often thrown around to describe infertile women. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.)

Yes - odd that, isn't it... 🤫 It is almost like people without children are judged by society

@Whybirdwhy

We had kids at our wedding, loved it. For us, our wedding was a family celebration and having all the kids there was great! We compromised on the venue because that wasn't important to us and catered specifically for adults and kids with the food/entertainment and it felt like a lovely relaxed day where everyone felt welcome.

I don't really care if there's a 2 year old making aeroplane noises during the ceremony or a 6 year old doing the floss on the dancefloor. For me it made it all a bit less formal and stuffy and I just appreciated the fact that everyone made the effort to come and celebrate with us.

Again, why does the absence of children make it formal and stuffy? (I bet you are one of those people who calls others 'miserable' because they aren't smiling indulgently at every little thing a child does) .

And does the presence of babes in arms also make it stuffy as they won't be doing aeroplanes on the dance floor, or it is okay then?

And what about timid children who will just quietly observe?

How many children, and of what age and level of behaviour prevents a wedding from being formal and stuffy?

You can have an informal and fun wedding without having children there. And as a PP said - should they rent children just to make sure?

That isn't just directed at you. It's just such an odd idea

My wedding next year is child free because my friends' kids are a pain in the arse when they are together and I just don't want my day being ruined by them. Ceremony is at 5pm followed by dinner and drinks so not really child friendly. I've told my friends it's because I want to keep the cost down as there will only be 24 guests and they've readily agreed. There are no children from the family members I am inviting so it works for us.