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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think childfree weddings are pretty normal now

256 replies

LeVole · 23/09/2021 05:02

We got an invitation for a wedding and the couple specified no kids. This didn't surprise me at all but DH and my mum were both surprised by it.

AIBU to think it's very normal nowadays to exclude children? Personally I didn't as we had a lot of close family with young kids and very few friends with kids but it makes sense if you're in the opposite situation. I think we payed £20 per head for toddlers!!

OP posts:
AudacityBaby · 23/09/2021 16:31

AREN'T better without them, I should say!

SweatyAmy · 23/09/2021 16:37

I have been to about 18 weddings, most in the last decade as school and university friends have got married and all have had children as guests, bar one.

At quite a few of the weddings I've been to the bride and groom have children together who are there, or children from previous relationships which will rule out a childfree wedding for them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/09/2021 16:40

Lot are now child free as if you add children and numbers are then lower fir adults you want

LaetitiaASD · 23/09/2021 18:00

@Royalgalas

Child-free does seem pretty normal now but I've just been invited to a wedding where even babes-in-arms are excluded (and as a consequence, I can't go - my baby will only be two months old and I'm not prepared to leave him/her for two days) and I'll admit to being a bit Hmm.

I can understand child-free but I personally think banning tiny babies from weddings is a bit of a dick move. Hey ho, not my wedding!

I'm not sure choosing to have your special day you want is a "dick move".
LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 18:51

Why is it a dick move? Whether your child is 2 weeks or 12 years, they aren't welcome.

It doesn't matter whether you cant't leave your baby because of BF or you can't leave your 8 yo with babysitters.

If you can't leave your child then you can't go to the wedding.

Royalgalas · 23/09/2021 19:27

@LukeEvansWife because I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother of a newborn who would gladly leave her baby to attend a wedding, and it just feels uncessarily unkind. Why bother invite them at all? I now find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to defend myself for turning down a family wedding invitation, all because someone has assumed I'd be impolite enough to allow my baby to cry or grumble through the ceremony or speeches. It's just a bit ... precious.

You're perfectly entitled to ban tiny babies from your wedding, of course. But your guests are similarly entitled to think that doing so is a bit of a dick move.

Fwiw, the wedding in question is of a family member, not a work colleague or neighbour. This baby is actually related to the bride. I'm perfectly happy to leave my four year old at home and attend without my husband, but I'd really have loved to see this person get married and to enjoy her wedding day with the rest of my family.

ZipOnBy · 23/09/2021 19:34

Personally I like children at weddings. Usually sweeter than the adults! As long as people keep an eye on them.

Babies probably should be left at home unless they are really well looked after and not let cry all through the service !

It’s meant to be a family occasion too, I can’t understand it really.

“Brits really hate kids don’t they” is all I can come up with as a reason …

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 19:35

[quote Royalgalas]@LukeEvansWife because I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother of a newborn who would gladly leave her baby to attend a wedding, and it just feels uncessarily unkind. Why bother invite them at all? I now find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to defend myself for turning down a family wedding invitation, all because someone has assumed I'd be impolite enough to allow my baby to cry or grumble through the ceremony or speeches. It's just a bit ... precious.

You're perfectly entitled to ban tiny babies from your wedding, of course. But your guests are similarly entitled to think that doing so is a bit of a dick move.

Fwiw, the wedding in question is of a family member, not a work colleague or neighbour. This baby is actually related to the bride. I'm perfectly happy to leave my four year old at home and attend without my husband, but I'd really have loved to see this person get married and to enjoy her wedding day with the rest of my family.[/quote]
But if someone can't go due to not being able to leave their child, why does it matter whether it's because the child is too young to be parted from its mother or because, say, they can't get anyone to look after their 5 year old?

It's fairly precious to assume that you (not you personally) having a baby trumps the wishes of the couple getting married.

I have no skin in this game btw - I have never had children or been married!

Pottedpalm · 23/09/2021 19:43

Our wedding, over four decades ago, was child free ( well, DH’s aunt brought his cousin anyway, dressed as a page boy) and DSis’s wedding was also child free. That was stressful as we had 9 month old DTs and no family to leave them with. They spent the day with a babysitter recommended by the hotel. Not ideal, but her wedding, her choice.

ReeseWitherfork · 23/09/2021 20:08

But if someone can't go due to not being able to leave their child, why does it matter whether it's because the child is too young to be parted from its mother or because, say, they can't get anyone to look after their 5 year old?

I see where you're coming from, but there's just a bit of a difference between a mother and newborn who likely can't be physically apart, and having logistical difficulties with an older child. If you invite someone who has just had a baby, (or breastfeeds a slightly older baby), you know that there's a 99.9% chance they can't come unless the baby comes too. Hence: dick move. It's a hollow invite.

I can't imagine a scenario where an older child can't physically be apart from their parent for the day, but if someone you knew was in this scenario then it would equally be a dick move for inviting the parent but refusing the child. I'm just not sure I can think of a scenario though.

Royalgalas · 23/09/2021 20:19

@ReeseWitherfork I totally agree - a breastfeeding mother and a < 3 month baby are a package deal; they either both come or neither do. To be honest, my daughter was a bottle refuser so she came everywhere I went until she was 6-7 months and even then, I couldn't have left her overnight.

A newborn, breastfed baby and an older child are entirely different in this scenario, both in terms of the impracticality of leaving them and in terms of their presence at a wedding.

To be very clear: I'm certainly not wondering why other people don't want to spend time in the company of my offspring on their wedding day. Hell, even I don't want to be around them quite often. And I'm certainly not saying that my childcare issues should trump the wishes of a couple on their wedding day. I'm simply saying that banning very young babies from a wedding makes it nigh on impossible for the mother to attend, and to pretend otherwise is completely disingenuous.

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 20:20

But if they weren't invited, there would be problems with that as well!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/09/2021 20:22

Very common now! Mainly because of the cost, and paying per head, I imagine. Some people actively don’t want kids now, but for most I guess it’s the “wasted” (ie the child isn’t your actual friend!) cost and taking up a place a friend could have.

Royalgalas · 23/09/2021 20:22

@LukeEvansWife I do agree with you there - but the effect is the same. I'm the only member of my family who can't go and yes, sorry, it stings!

CounsellorTroi · 23/09/2021 20:22

I didn't know until MN that evening invites were rude. I have been to plenty of friends' weddings with an evening only invite, I thought that was standard. Also means not having to hang around for hours for photos etc grin

When I got married 30 years ago the whole point of having an evening do was to invite e.g work colleagues, neighbours etc that you couldn’t include for the wedding itself.

Abraxan · 23/09/2021 20:24

Whilst not unusual, in my experience weddings with children present are still more frequent than those without.

Most of the weddings I have been to over the years have been big family affairs with guests ranging from babies and young children, through to elderly great grandparents and everyone in between. And tbh it's what I prefer personally.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/09/2021 20:24

I do think that a newborn baby is a different category to other children. As others have said the mother basically can’t go without the baby, even if ff you’d be hard pushed to leave a 3 month old or younger all day. They’re still in the fourth trimester.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/09/2021 20:25

We invited kids to our wedding, but got married quite young so most of our friends didn’t have them. It was nearly all family children, and there weren’t many of those.

DroopyClematis · 23/09/2021 20:26

Went to a wedding where no children were allowed.
I and my sister-in-law were allowed to bring our toddlers into a soundproofed room in the church, away from the ceremony!
Strangely , said bride insisted on her toddlers being present at her siblings wedding.

I feel that weddings are a family affair.
It was at mine.
The only problem at weddings or other formal affairs is when parents don't take charge. These events often illicit the notion that children will be children and they're not checked.
People often uses the excuse of a large gathering to absolve themselves of any duty and hope that someone else will deal with them while they get bladdered.
That being said, parents should remind children why they need to be quiet during the ceremony and not let them run riot.

Abraxan · 23/09/2021 20:30

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Kids ruin weddings imo. I didn't have kids at mine nor have there been any at the last 3 I've been to. So yeh I think you are right.
Interesting view.

The only people I've even known to ruin any wedding have been to were adults.

Two separate weddings, both ruined towards the end by two very much adult men. In both cases - one was a family wedding and the other was a friend's sons wedding - the males decided to get far too drunk and became argumentative and hit another guest.

The children, in the other hand, played nicely, enjoyed dancing, sat and ate their food quietly and definitely weren't fighting.

ReeseWitherfork · 23/09/2021 20:35

@LukeEvansWife

But if they weren't invited, there would be problems with that as well!
It pretty much comes down to how much the B&G want the mother there. If they're not that fussed, why even bother. As PP said: banning very young babies from a wedding makes it nigh on impossible for the mother to attend, and to pretend otherwise is completely disingenuous
LobsterNapkin · 23/09/2021 20:37

@londonrach

Totally agree. Weddings are boring for children. Yanbu.
I loved weddings at a child! About the only time I got to go dancing.
LobsterNapkin · 23/09/2021 20:39

@LukeEvansWife

Why is it a dick move? Whether your child is 2 weeks or 12 years, they aren't welcome.

It doesn't matter whether you cant't leave your baby because of BF or you can't leave your 8 yo with babysitters.

If you can't leave your child then you can't go to the wedding.

It's pretty sexist. Sorry women, too bad you have the boobs, you can just sit home with the newborn.

It's not even like the couple have to pay for them to have a meal.

MintyGreenDream · 23/09/2021 20:44

I see an invite to a wedding as being couple time for me and dh.Ds 7 doesn't give a monkeys about weddings just like most kids.
Sometimes I just want to get dressed up,get a bit pissed and enjoy adult only company.

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 20:47

It's pretty sexist. Sorry women, too bad you have the boobs, you can just sit home with the newborn.

Nobody has to have children and nobody has to breastfeed. Their choice but their choice has consequences and does it really matter if they miss a wedding?