To think childfree weddings are pretty normal now

[LeVole]

We got an invitation for a wedding and the couple specified no kids. This didn't surprise me at all but DH and my mum were both surprised by it.

AIBU to think it's very normal nowadays to exclude children? Personally I didn't as we had a lot of close family with young kids and very few friends with kids but it makes sense if you're in the opposite situation. I think we payed £20 per head for toddlers!!

We had kids at our wedding and it was fine. We had a semi destination wedding around 3 hours travel time from most of the guests so didn’t want to make it harder for people. There were around 20 kids and they weren’t disruptive at all.

Now I have kids I prefer not bringing them to weddings. The last couple we have been to were my sister’s where we brought them to the ceremony and then my in laws picked them up and babysat them so we could relax and enjoy ourselves and then my husband’s cousins where we did the same thing but my mum came and got them.

Our youngest is still breastfeeding though so I didn’t want to go the whole day without him.

It's pretty sexist. Sorry women, too bad you have the boobs, you can just sit home with the newborn.

That’s called biology.

@ZipOnBy

Personally I like children at weddings. Usually sweeter than the adults! As long as people keep an eye on them.

Babies probably should be left at home unless they are really well looked after and not let cry all through the service !

It’s meant to be a family occasion too, I can’t understand it really.

“Brits really hate kids don’t they” is all I can come up with as a reason …

Yeah, I find Britain a super unfriendly country when it comes to children.

This would be unthinkable in my home country as weddings are considered family celebrations, which means loads of children running around. I’ve been to ‘childfree’ weddings and they just come across as cold and unfriendly in comparison.

I’ve been to ‘childfree’ weddings and they just come across as cold and unfriendly in comparison.

I don’t think the presence or absence of children at a wedding has made any difference to whether the weddings I’ve been to felt friendly or not.

They've been common for a long time. What's becoming more common is spelling out "no kids" on invitations. The old rule (in the US, at least) was that if the invitation was addressed to "Bob and Jane Smith and family," their children were invited. If it was only addressed to "Bob and Jane Smith," the parents were invited and their children weren't. Spelling out that certain people weren't invited was considered rude. But that subtlety was lost on way too many people, who just assumed their children were included. I've seen several on here. So I guess this shift to a more direct approach is overdue.

It's pretty sexist. Sorry women, too bad you have the boobs, you can just sit home with the newborn.

Weird. I've got boobs, too, and no one's ever forced me to sit at home with a newborn.

Do the bride and groom really get 'arsey' if people decline their invitation?

I do think some guests lay it on a bit, surely a polite 'thank you but we are unable to attend' message is simpler rather than bleating on about not having childcare.

I have declined invitations in the past (for a date clash or not being able to take time off work - or just not wanted to go!) and just declined politely and no one has ever said anything or acted strangely about it.

@Ragwort

Do the bride and groom really get 'arsey' if people decline their invitation?

I do think some guests lay it on a bit, surely a polite 'thank you but we are unable to attend' message is simpler rather than bleating on about not having childcare.

I have declined invitations in the past (for a date clash or not being able to take time off work - or just not wanted to go!) and just declined politely and no one has ever said anything or acted strangely about it.

I have had people ask why I can't attend when I have declined. I just said logistics and then they start asking why and more and more questions. I have lied before and said we already had a wedding to attend that day that we had said yes to. We hadn't it was just a family member really couldn't understand that when they invited the whole family to the wedding some people couldn't get a babysitter as all their babysitters were attending the wedding and another family member had told me that they bitched about the people who had said no due to childcare! So I just lied. They then got really shitty to everyone who declined and I think they then worked out it was only the ones with kids who declined.

I don't have a lot of babysitters and I don't really have anyone that could have my children overnight so it's an automatic decline.

Evening invites are just a waste of time for everyone. It still costs a fortune to attend and get a gift for about 3 or 4 hours and I honestly want to see the actual service more than party.

Children don’t usually go to Greek Cypriot weddings unless close family or bridal party.

We have too many people (usually around 300/400 guests) to invite so if you do it’s

1. Frowned upon
2. They sit on your lap.
3. They eat from your plate.

Most invites say no children under 12 or 14.

The only weddings I’ve taken mine to were when they were part of the bridal party.

I’ve never declined an invite because of dcs including having to go away for friends weddings. They just stayed with my parents.

@ItsSnowJokes didn't anybody ask you about the wedding that you went to ? Or bring it up with your family who did attend? How awkward...

[quote LeVole]@ItsSnowJokes didn't anybody ask you about the wedding that you went to ? Or bring it up with your family who did attend? How awkward...[/quote]
I don't know if it was brought up at the wedding. Family member did ask who's wedding it was and I said a relative of husbands. I don't normally advocate lying but this family member has form for being a bit vicious if they don't get their own way, and I did hear her bitching that people were declining because of her no children rule and she really didn't want children there to ruin it when it's her day etc....... I just nodded and said its your choice as much as its their choice not to attend.

We have no childcare other than 2 people who were both at the wedding. We have no other options. And the wedding was miles away and would have meant an overnight. If the children can't attend then we can't attend as we have no one to look after them.

Totally not against weddings where there are restrictions on children but I do think it is a bit of a dick move to exclude the children of close family members.

I think it has become completely normal but I had children a bit before most of my friends, so I missed many of their weddings. I do find this a bit sad. I also think it come down to budget. As many previous posters have said, people just can’t afford to invite lots of children. I do think the ‘screaming child’ excuse is used too much as a cover for lack of funds though!

We had a children free wedding and I'm so glad we did. Iv been to weddings since with my own toddler and my god it's hard work and unenjoyable. I'd much rather leave her with her grandparents.

@ballroompink

What do you class as close family member? Not a dig, genuinely interested. For me a wedding guest list would only consist of close family members rather than wider. I've seen lots of mumsnet posts about cousins weddings etc so would assume most people count them.

I'm trying to figure out a way that's fair of figuring out a wedding
So far the suggestions below have been made (just in this thread) as to what's fair and in my case it would encompass pretty much every child bar a small handful who would probably be pretty annoyed they left their kids to come to a wedding with loads of kids.

Breastfed
Close family members (depending on definition)
Just family members
the bridal party's childrens
Babies related to the bride
Young children (

Personally, I'm not massively close to my cousins so I wouldn't be offended if one of them got married and didn't invite my children. But I would be upset if e.g. my sibling or one of DH's siblings excluded our children. I would also feel that if someone in the bridal party had children they wanted to bring that would be fine.

If I was close to a cousin again I would probably feel it was a bit obnoxious to exclude their children or for them to exclude mine. I would say it differs between families!

At my own wedding we were also fine with 'babes in arms' and I would never exclude a young baby. One couple we invited actually chose not to bring their very young baby which surprised me but each to their own!

For those who get upset or offended if your DCs aren’t invited to a wedding, is it because you don’t want the hassle/expense of funding childcare for them while you go?
Or because you are upset at the idea of being parted from them for the duration of the wedding?
Or because they are missing out on a fun wedding which they would want to be at?
Or because you think they would genuinely enhance/improve a wedding by being there?
Or another reason?

I really can’t work out why people object to leaving kids at home for weddings but not, say, a 40th birthday or work party

@Hellobeeee7

I think they’re mostly child-free now because weddings aren’t family events in the same way anymore, they’re performance events now - like dress up and feel like a famous person for a day (and probably spend money you don’t have).

Can you tell I feel cynical about them?

OMG SPOT ON!!

I read about some of these wedding here and I cringe. Especially knowing that 50%will be divorced in a few years time!

I think it depends on the age of the bride and groom and if they have kids. We got married later in life by some standards already had DS so we invited kids and they all played together. We've just been to a wedding where the bride and groom don't have kids and it was kid free.

It also depends how formal it is, we are talking about a 10 year vow renewal as more of a party with a wedding bouncy castle, magician etc we will defiantly be having kids would rather pay the extra 2-3k than have friends not be able to get childcare. If I can find some will have nursery nurse to keep an eye on them

@SW1amp

For those who get upset or offended if your DCs aren’t invited to a wedding, is it because you don’t want the hassle/expense of funding childcare for them while you go? Or because you are upset at the idea of being parted from them for the duration of the wedding? Or because they are missing out on a fun wedding which they would want to be at? Or because you think they would genuinely enhance/improve a wedding by being there? Or another reason?

I really can’t work out why people object to leaving kids at home for weddings but not, say, a 40th birthday or work party

As I mentioned it would pretty much only bother me if the wedding was of someone in our very immediate family or an extremely close friend. The wedding of e.g. my sister is a bit different to a work party isn't it? My DCs are part of her closest family and weddings are a family celebration (btw my sister did invite my children to her wedding so there was no issue!).

Friends' weddings though? Doesn't bother me for children not to be invited.

We decided to have a child friendly wedding party (our own kids would be there for a start!) and it was great. It finished early, there was loads of space for kids to run riot without bothering anyone and we had a corner with a load of craft stuff and a face painter.
Friends could come, not have to shell out for a sitter and the kids amused each other. Food was a buffet so easy to feed everyone too.
Wedding breakfast was literally breakfast as we had a small Registry office wedding first thing so only close family came to that.

Everyone can do whatever they want as it's their wedding, but I do think child-free weddings are a bit naff 😬

But I'd never say anything as to each their own, but equally I think a lot of people who host these child-free weddings are really unpleasant when people inevitably can't attend. If you're understanding about it, no problems.

@SW1amp

For those who get upset or offended if your DCs aren’t invited to a wedding, is it because you don’t want the hassle/expense of funding childcare for them while you go? Or because you are upset at the idea of being parted from them for the duration of the wedding? Or because they are missing out on a fun wedding which they would want to be at? Or because you think they would genuinely enhance/improve a wedding by being there? Or another reason?

I really can’t work out why people object to leaving kids at home for weddings but not, say, a 40th birthday or work party

I would say disappointed rather than upset or offended but for me it's option 3 - because they are missing out on a fun wedding which they would want to be at as well as it being a bit of the childcare issue. There's a good chance a wedding involves travel and overnight stay and that's quite a long time to ask someone to babysit.

Different to a 40th or work do because those are likely to be evening only, weddings are all day into evening so the timing automatically makes them more child-friendly to me.

We had two nights away at a wedding the DC weren't invited to and it was a nice break and I've no objection to people having the wedding they want but it wouldn't be my first choice.

I have been to many many weddings - my friends started getting married about 15 years ago, there’s been at least one wedding a year, some years more like 8 weddings, since then.

I have only ever been to one that had all children invited - all the others were either child free or only children in the immediate family/ wedding party.

We had immediate family - ie my nieces and nephews. If we had invited all children of friends and wider family there would have been over 30 children there. There wasn’t the budget (£16 a head per child times 30) or space and frankly that wasn’t the kind of day we wanted. If there had been any tiny babies they would of course have been invited.
I did also give the option to people who were travelling a long way although they all chose to leave their children at home and preferred to come without them.

It’s SO normal and so common for me that I always find it baffling when people are surprised or offended. It’s a bit like MN threads that insist a free bar is the done thing and anything else is the height of rudeness. Again in all those weddings I’ve only ever been to one that had a fully free bar. I’ve never expected it and find it weird that anyone would.

Most invited I’ve received recently are child free save for babes in arms and children of those in wedding party. As we have no family to rely on for childcare and no reliable overnight babysitters I decline most wedding invitations or just one of us will go. It doesn’t bother me if an invite says no children, and I would hope the bride and groom are aware that what they are asking can be a logistical nightmare for some and don’t mind that it will impact guest numbers.