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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think childfree weddings are pretty normal now

256 replies

LeVole · 23/09/2021 05:02

We got an invitation for a wedding and the couple specified no kids. This didn't surprise me at all but DH and my mum were both surprised by it.

AIBU to think it's very normal nowadays to exclude children? Personally I didn't as we had a lot of close family with young kids and very few friends with kids but it makes sense if you're in the opposite situation. I think we payed £20 per head for toddlers!!

OP posts:
PurpleParrotfish · 23/09/2021 11:48

If the couple have large families and particularly if they marry young, then weddings are much more of a family affair. But for all the many weddings we went to in our late 20s / early 30s a huge part was bringing friendship groups back together to celebrate. Usually there would be small nieces and nephews around, with grandparents helping with the childcare, and the odd baby, but everyone else usually left their kids at home so they could relax, catch up with friends they’d not seen for ages and drink and dance late into the evening without the stress of getting bored kids to behave during the ceremony / meal / speeches and then leave early to get them to bed.
I miss weddings now that we’re all hitched!

DailyMailcanFuckRightOff · 23/09/2021 11:48

Kinsters - I lived in Italy for a while, same situation there. Much easier to deal with these situations. Imagine - a non-British late-night culture, mixed with British wedding culture and you could invite children along for the after party only!

CounsellorTroi · 23/09/2021 11:49

My DM once went to a wedding where the.little page boy, as he followed the bride up the aisle, lay on the floor and had a full on, fists banging on floor heel kicking tantrum.

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 11:53

@CounsellorTroi

My DM once went to a wedding where the.little page boy, as he followed the bride up the aisle, lay on the floor and had a full on, fists banging on floor heel kicking tantrum.
And that is why some people ban children from weddings!
aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2021 12:16

If we'd not had our children first we would definitely have had an all on one day with no children invited (any, at all, it's not fair to make exceptions).

People often say this but I think it's perfectly fair to make exceptions for children you actually know and are close to, and not invite the one's you don't. Much like you do with adult guests!

Rummikubfan · 23/09/2021 12:25

My experience is that it has always been family children only. I have never been to a non family wedding and had an invite for my children and vice versa wouldn’t expect to invite non family children to my wedding

loopylauren · 23/09/2021 12:30

Fuck no. Kids should be included. It's a family celebration. Obviously just my opinion, and each to their own of course, but personally I think it's quite sad.

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 12:34

@loopylauren

Fuck no. Kids should be included. It's a family celebration. Obviously just my opinion, and each to their own of course, but personally I think it's quite sad.
Fair enough. I loathe weddings but at least childfree ones don't have the extra hassle of kids running round, knocking into people and making a noise
aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2021 12:36

@loopylauren

Fuck no. Kids should be included. It's a family celebration. Obviously just my opinion, and each to their own of course, but personally I think it's quite sad.
I mean I've said this loads of times now but... what about the kids of friends etc who are not family?
Nowomenaroundeh · 23/09/2021 12:36

I've only ever been to one wedding (out of probably thirty) with children - snore! They ruin it and won't be invited to mine.

gannett · 23/09/2021 12:42

The worst people on either side of the debate are

  • the couples who have child-free weddings and then get in a huff if parents can't make it
  • the parents who get in a huff about not being allowed to bring their precious children everywhere with them - I suspect these are the exact same parents who would let their children run rampant at a wedding
  • the posters in threads like this who tut-tut about weddings being about family and child-free weddings being somehow degenerate and selfish. As if everyone has a close relationship with an extended family to start with?

DP and I presently have no plans or wishes to get married but some of our parent friends have hinted that they would really like the massive party our hypothetical wedding would entail and that it had better be child-free.

BrendaBubbles · 23/09/2021 12:44

I think maybe there is a class element to this. I am working class and not a single wedding I’ve been to has been so exclusionary or pretentious. Cheese and pineapple sticks more the order of the day than tuxedos and champagne. I can imagine wannabe bougie upper middle class professionals wanting to ditch the kids however.

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 12:47

@BrendaBubbles

I think maybe there is a class element to this. I am working class and not a single wedding I’ve been to has been so exclusionary or pretentious. Cheese and pineapple sticks more the order of the day than tuxedos and champagne. I can imagine wannabe bougie upper middle class professionals wanting to ditch the kids however.
Why assume that childfree means pretentious? I have been to some cheese and pineapple stick weddings too held by working class people but without children. Best of both worlds
MrsAvocet · 23/09/2021 12:48

@aSofaNearYou

If we'd not had our children first we would definitely have had an all on one day with no children invited (any, at all, it's not fair to make exceptions).

People often say this but I think it's perfectly fair to make exceptions for children you actually know and are close to, and not invite the one's you don't. Much like you do with adult guests!

Yes I agree. All close family children were invited to our wedding, but I drew the line at children I'd never met! Nothing to do with children making noise etc, just simple economics/space considerations in the reception venue. I wasn't willing to bump friends off the guest list to accomodate, for instance my ILs best friends' children. But I was up front about that. I didn't say we weren't inviting any children, I said we weren't inviting their children. They came any way. If they were offended that my nephews and nieces were there they never said anything, but they seemed like reasonable people who understood the situation. I think it is perfectly reasonable to invite some children and not others.
MitheringMytryl · 23/09/2021 12:49

I have only ever heard of childfree weddings on MN. So not normal to me.

Poppetts1234 · 23/09/2021 12:50

I personally think it’s a bit miserable but each to their own
We had to decline an invite as we had no childcare (secretly relieved!)
They got upset.

If your going to have a child free wedding just be okay if you get people decline

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 13:01

@Poppetts1234

I personally think it’s a bit miserable but each to their own We had to decline an invite as we had no childcare (secretly relieved!) They got upset.

If your going to have a child free wedding just be okay if you get people decline

Most people are fine about it. Only on MN do they kick off and never speak to the parents of the children ever again.

What you call "miserable", other people find less stressful

camelfinger · 23/09/2021 13:06

I think childfree is ok as long as the following apply:

-You’re not getting married miles away from where everyone lives, forcing 2 nights of childcare and hotels.

  • Recognise that a 2 month old baby is very different from a strapping 15 year old
  • Consider an evening celebration/more of a grown up do
  • If you’re concerned about screaming, have a word with the likely guilty parties to see if they wouldn’t mind taking the screamer out at a crucial time.
  • Don’t get in a strop if people can’t attend

I love a childfree wedding now, but my heart sank when we were invited to weddings when they were really tiny. I think there must be a solution that suits the couple and the guests so that everyone has a lovely time without feeling guilty.

MrsWidgerysLodger · 23/09/2021 13:18

Recent weddings I've been invited to have been a 50/50 split as to if they're childfree or not... Only one that caused issues was where someone on my DHs family side had a childfree wedding and we couldn't go as we had no childcare. (My family couldn't have DD for the weekend due to health issues and the wedding wasn't a short distance away) Got some very shitty comments from some of the extended family but the In-Laws completely stuck up for us and fought our corner. Still not sure we've been forgiven but they're not even family members we see that often so I can't say we're that bothered about the fallout to be honest!

LukeEvansWife · 23/09/2021 13:27

Recognise that a 2 month old baby is very different from a strapping 15 year old

Well yes because a strapping 15 year old is more likely to be invited - a potentially screaming puking baby, less so

toastofthetown · 23/09/2021 13:31

For the people who find child free weddings miserable, is that just for weddings where children weren’t invited? Are weddings where children were invited, but their parents opted to leave them with grandparents miserable too? Or where you get married younger and there are no children to invite? If the youngest guest is a 17 year old, does that change the day from miserable, or does the child have to be eligible for the children’s menu to be a joyful occasion?

Abouttimemum · 23/09/2021 13:32

Yeah I’ve had it in the neck from couples for not attending or attending alone. One said that it wasn’t very nice of my DH not to attend, when he actually had to stay home to look after DS.
Totally understand why you wouldn’t want kids there of course, but no need to be a dick about it.
Not everyone has childcare options!

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/09/2021 13:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DangerMouse5 · 23/09/2021 13:49

I think COVID period has changed weddings a bit, as people have got used to the idea of restricting numbers. And also people tend to get married later in life where many more of their friends and family have children making numbers for venue too many.

However, I was glad to have children and babies welcome at my wedding 23 years ago. They were a delight, the oldest was 4 though- my husband and I had a lovely dance with them all- it was the children that got everyone up dancing to the band.

What I get HmmHmm at is when I see B&G complain and get demanding with their friends with very young babies and children who decline invite as it is childfree and they'd have to travel and stay over and leave a bf baby or young DC not used to be left for days.

Some weddings become big stressful performances when child free about being perfect,'magical' and themed and those really aren't as much fun for attendees.

I much enjoyed our family friendly light hearted fun wedding. Meh some things went wrong but we were so happy anyway they became in-jokes during the day and afterwards! My young niece bridesmaid interrupted just so that Susie (her teddy bear she carried wearing a wedding tutu and veil) could also say "I Do" after we'd said ours!!! It was absolute pure comedy genius which we loved with everyone laughing alongside us and the vicar!

WomanStanleyWoman · 23/09/2021 13:51

@toastofthetown

For the people who find child free weddings miserable, is that just for weddings where children weren’t invited? Are weddings where children were invited, but their parents opted to leave them with grandparents miserable too? Or where you get married younger and there are no children to invite? If the youngest guest is a 17 year old, does that change the day from miserable, or does the child have to be eligible for the children’s menu to be a joyful occasion?
I’ve always wondered this. I’m amazed we’ve got this far into the thread without child-free weddings being described as ‘joyless’. What are you supposed to do if you haven’t got friends or family with small children? Hire a bunch of orphans to perform, like some bizarre mash-up of Oliver, Annie and The Wedding Crashers?
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