To want to cancel Christmas?

[Bridie20]

For context -
We are due to travel home (150 miles from where we live) for the Christmas period. 19-27th December - our wedding anniversary is within this time. We have booked an Airbnb (where we stayed for our wedding) and planned to host both sets of parents there.

However, since booking this I fell pregnant. Baby is likely to be between 1 and 3 weeks old on 19th December when we’re due to travel back.

AIBU to think we should cancel and just stay at home? I’d be happy for family to come to us if they stayed in a hotel (2 up, 2 down, tiny house- no spare room for guests as it’s in use as a nursery. Tiny kitchen) and we could have picky food, maybe go out for Christmas dinner or whatever.

I’m scared to even ask DH because we’ve been so excited about it, his parents don’t drive and we might spoil Christmas. But I feel like our time as a family unit with our newborn is more important than Christmas? And the idea of packing all that stuff at potentially 1/2/3 weeks postpartum 🤯 never mind having 8 nights away from home with a newborn… eek!

What would you do? FTM so absolutely no experience of travelling with a baby and how easy/hard it is.

He then also said he wonders if our parents have forgotten how difficult those early days were… maybe?

I think many years ago a lot of people didn't move so far away from their families as they do now, so the holidays didn't involve such extensive travel. So if there was a new baby in the family it meant a short drive and a quick turnaround for the 'new' family When DS1 was born, for his first Xmas it was literally a 5 minute drive to my parents, dinner and a short visit, then home again whilst the party carried on. He was a month old, not a week old, but it was still tiring for me.

I also think there was less expectation that 'everyone' simply must be there for Xmas. It was accepted when a family member didn't come be it a new baby, having to work, or going away for the holidays. And travel was often extremely expensive and more inconvenient so people would just opt to stay home. At least that's the way it was where I was raised (So Calif).

OP, that's a great outcome!

YANBU! I was in a very similar position- my son was two weeks late, so we went to my in-laws for Christmas when he was just over a week old. I’d had a traumatic forceps delivery; was in a real mess, but didn’t feel able to say no (FIL had cancer and didn’t know if it would be his last Christmas). I didn’t tell my husband how awful I felt, but my stitches became infected (I ended up having to be restitched)!/!; it was the most horrendous week of my life. I still can’t really talk about it out loud.

Obviously I’m not saying your birth will be traumatic, I’m sure you’ll breeze through! But it is a big thing to put your body through, and you won’t be feeling like a holiday afterwards!

Talk to your husband now, whilst there’s still time to rearrange plans and manage expectations. Better to do it now than at the last minute when no one has a Turkey or anywhere to go!

Congratulations to you both on baby and DH on the job. Great to hear your DH understands and agrees. He will be happy when the time comes cos he doesn't know how knackered he'll be as well! I hope both sets of GPs are supportive of your decision, they may be disappointed but a baby is the best reason for them to have plans changed.

That’s good news. I know people who bounce back after birth and some can hardly sit for weeks. It’s a traumatic medical event in the end.

I was pushed into visiting DHs family when DD was weeks old. DH has since apologised. It was a really long drive and I was getting no sleep.
My MIL had decided that DD was sleeping through the night (I don’t think so) so i shouldn’t be tired/need any help. I was then expected to host a whole array of aunties and cousins who weren’t even interested in DD.

I had my first child 4 days before Christmas. My Mum, bless her, thought she was doing me a favour by having us stop over Christmas/boxing day. All I remember is 'Mr Blobby' on a loop (courtesy of my lovely nephews), and frankly - just wanting to die! PLEASE, PLEASE do not do this. (still can't bear pink spotty rubber to this day!). Just stay at home and look after yourself - everyone should understand.

Oh my goodness I’m stressed thinking about it. So I have a three year old and a baby and we went to a caravan a few weeks ago, littlest was 11weeks.. it was only about an hour in the car including a ferry journey and oh my the stuff we took.. I felt like I was packing my life up. And as this is the it second child we knew this wouldn’t be easy as we had done it all before. Someone else has said it but it’s not recommended for babies to be too long in the car seat. Feeding during the journey would also prompt many stops

150 miles is a long way when you’ve just given birth and it’s a long time for a newborn to be in their infant carrier- think the recommended time they’re in it is a maximum of 20 minutes. You’d be stopping loads.

Ringing parents tonight to discuss! Scared!

Also now have this weird worry that my mum is on mumsnet 😂😂😂

I don't think your older Christmas plans even sound do-able with a newborn. You really need to either cancel altogether OR see if your family want to visit for 1 or 2 days depending on how you're feeling.

Just remember that you are in the right here. Your and your baby's health and wellbeing trumps anyone else's 'hurt feelings'. For someone to argue differently, I'm sorry but they're being very selfish.

Just keep repeating "My doctor has told me..." or "The midwife says...". In these situations a little white lie is perfectly OK. In fact, if you consulted with your doctor/midwife and explained the situation I'm sure they'd tell you absolutely NOT to go!

Good luck, op! You're well within your rights to do this, just remember that. Hoping your family will be supportive

I agree with everyone saying you should cancel. I also don't think you should invite them to yours for xmas. Xmas can bring a lot of expectations. I think if they come up at xmas they will hope for long hours at yours, Christmas roast (I think most people would be disappointed to miss this) and "magical" times. You might find that too much and everyone will be frustrated. Just apologise that you can no longer make it for xmas.

In my experience family like to visit the baby soon after they arrive but (in my experience) are willing to travel to spend a couple of hours cooing have a cup of tea with you and then go home - so that might happen before xmas depending on when baby arrives.

It definitely came as a bit of a shock. I was met with silence for a good 5 seconds… so awkward. Told they managed to travel hours with us, that car seat advice wasn’t in place when i was a baby, I need to stop worrying so much, I’m catastrophising etc etc… not the most pleasant of conversations.
However they did say they were feeling a bit shocked and that me and baby come first.
An hour later my mum rings me to tell me she’s booked an Airbnb for 4 nights 😂😂 which brings a new level of challenge but shes cancelled it (we haven’t told DH’s parents yet…!) because I said it would be good to discuss our plans first so we’re all on the same page, I said we couldn’t reasonably be expected to host for 4 days etc. They said they’d have other things to do as well so at least they’re not expecting to be here all the time! But I just didn’t know that when they booked.

Anyway. It wasn’t great, it didn’t go well, but it’s done & im sure everyone will come round and we’ll all have a lovely time. The main thing for me is the well-being of my baby, myself and my DH in our first few weeks (potentially even days!) as a proper family.

I so appreciate the support on this thread, I told DH about it & how it gave me the strength to stick up for myself so thank you all! ❤️❤️❤️

Sorry to hear it didn't go well. Sometimes parents find it hard to adjust! This is our first child after being married 10 years and we've had some
Push back about 'priorities' which is a load of old wotsit as everyone is fine when my sisters or his brothers kids are out first. Press ahead with what YOU want to do. I'm sure much of it is just that their expectations are a little silly..... they'll come around. Good luck with all the baby prep.

I totally agree with not travelling. The 4 nights in the airbnb was probably a good compromise... allow the dust to settle. Your parents will come round. Good luck.

Well done @Bridie20. Sorry it was awkward and uncomfortable - but that’s often a good sign. Maintaining boundaries and prioritising your OWN family and needs is good to start doing from the get go. Dust will settle and you will be able to enjoy Xmas more I’m sure.

Wow OP - I can't believe how much pressure your parents are putting you under! I'm furious on your behalf. I get they are excited about the baby coming but it was madness that Christmas plans weren't changed the moment you announced your due date.

My 3rd will be about 9 weeks old at Christmas and we are hosting my in-laws I don't particularly want to but it is probably the easiest thing in the long run. We're buying all pre-made food and I'm going to ask that they just come for the dinner and go home in the evening.

My parents are completely relaxed about it all and would do anything to make our lives easier without any pressure - that's the way grandparents should be!

Glad you're sorted OP

This stood out to me though
Told they managed to travel hours with us, that car seat advice wasn’t in place when i was a baby, I need to stop worrying so much, I’m catastrophising etc etc… not the most pleasant of conversations.

You're going to have to buckle up and be prepared for arguments over early weaning, picking babies up too much, not leaving them to cry if she's already spouting the crap of we all survived in my day. Get in nice and early that guidance is research and evidenced based now so you'll be following that not what happened 30 years ago

"However they did say they were feeling a bit shocked and that me and baby come first."

What?? (Does a double take). I can't believe a grandparent would actually put a newborn grandchild before themselves. Even if they do put themselves before the well-being of a newly postpartum daughter. Boggles the mind.

Another reason for me to bless the memory of my own late parents.

Oops! That should say.

I can't believe a grandparent would not actually put a newborn grandchild before themselves.

Missing a word can really change your meaning!

Haha @AcrossthePond55 I was confused!

I know. Luckily the ILs are so much more chilled. It would be really disheartening if we had this from both sides!

Once we’ve got plans sorted they’ll settle down. I just know I’ll have to buckle up for boundaries being crossed as @WombatStewForTea says above. It’s already exhausting 😂

Hi everyone, thought I’d pop back with one last update.

Everyone’s really on board now with our alternative Christmas plans (knew they’d come round!) and it sounds like we’ll have a nice, relaxed Christmas now. Mine and DH’s first ever Christmas in our own home.

I’ve also been diagnosed with GD since having these conversations so thank F basically as I’m now classed as high risk etc - more chance of the pp phase being very difficult. I think my diagnosis has helped the grandparents to see what’s important though, and that’s the well-being of my baby and me (and DH too!)

Thanks again for all your lovely, supportive messages.

Bye ❤️❤️❤️

Hope everything goes well with the birth and you have a lovely Christmas op!💐

I'm so glad things have calmed down for you.

Take care of yourself and the baby. All best wishes.