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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cancel Christmas?

175 replies

Bridie20 · 21/09/2021 21:42

For context -
We are due to travel home (150 miles from where we live) for the Christmas period. 19-27th December - our wedding anniversary is within this time. We have booked an Airbnb (where we stayed for our wedding) and planned to host both sets of parents there.

However, since booking this I fell pregnant. Baby is likely to be between 1 and 3 weeks old on 19th December when we’re due to travel back.

AIBU to think we should cancel and just stay at home? I’d be happy for family to come to us if they stayed in a hotel (2 up, 2 down, tiny house- no spare room for guests as it’s in use as a nursery. Tiny kitchen) and we could have picky food, maybe go out for Christmas dinner or whatever.

I’m scared to even ask DH because we’ve been so excited about it, his parents don’t drive and we might spoil Christmas. But I feel like our time as a family unit with our newborn is more important than Christmas? And the idea of packing all that stuff at potentially 1/2/3 weeks postpartum 🤯 never mind having 8 nights away from home with a newborn… eek!

What would you do? FTM so absolutely no experience of travelling with a baby and how easy/hard it is.

OP posts:
canary1 · 21/09/2021 22:52

I’m shocked neither set of parents has suggested you won’t be in a position to travel and is expecting you to keep to this plan. It’s absolute madness! You will be miles off being able to do this.

Echobelly · 21/09/2021 22:56

Totally reasonable - you have no idea how you'll feel after birth, and even with a fairly straightforward one 1-3 weeks is super early and super stressful to deal with lots of other people. Anyone who doesn't understand that would frankly be being an arsehole.

RememberLupeVelez · 21/09/2021 22:56

It's all the unquantifiables that everyone else has outlined in detail that makes me agree you are not being at all unreasonable to 'cancel Christmas'.
I think you should.
However it IS possible to travel a fair old distance with a newborn. I did an 800 mile round trip over a weekend with a two-week old...BUT...my DM was terminally ill with cancer and it was her one chance to see her first grandchild.
I wasn't driving and although I'd had stitches/tears etc I wasn't in a lot of pain. Plus the wee one was (and is!) very easy-going and low maintenance. It was two decades ago and I wasn't aware then of not letting babies be in the car seat for that length of time.

I wouldn't do it now and I don't think you should either for all the many and various reasons outlined above.
All the best!

AliceMcK · 21/09/2021 23:03

I wouldn’t go anywhere with a newborn, as others have said you don’t get those days back. I had my FIL come stay when I had my first, it made things very difficult especially as he wanted to go out seeing things as it was a holiday for him. I felt I didn’t have that one on one baby and family time that’s so special when you just have your baby.

Original poster
Bridie20 · 21/09/2021 23:06

I won’t be any later - if baby was 1 week old I’d have gone 2 weeks over. Due 30th Nov. But my mums first (my brother) was 2 weeks late so it’s very possible!

I agree actually now after seeing the responses that I’m surprised no one has mentioned how hard it’ll bad, but maybe they’re desperate to see us (baby) at Christmas and worry we will not see them at all otherwise.

We don’t normally have an Airbnb at Christmas we just stay at theirs. We got one last year for the first time because of the Covid rules changing last minute.

I think the plan of both sets of parents getting a hotel for 2-3 nights is the best one. Hopefully they’ll all be v understanding! I have never done the postpartum phase before so sure I’ll get it after I have. The bleeding, leaking, potential c section wound etc makes me want to stay tucked up in our little home!

It’ll be a different but special time. I’ll let you know what DH/parents say. They’re all very lovely and supportive so fingers crossed we will get sorted.

Thank you all for confirming my suspicions!

OP posts:
Ofallthethings · 21/09/2021 23:08

I'm surprised your parents and PIL haven't suggested you cancel already? They're not seriously still expecting this to happen are they?
Even if the birth and breastfeeding go well, there will still be midwife checks and the baby being weighed to check they are getting back to their birth weight that you can't miss, and you will be sleep deprived and recovering from the birth. And also the car seat issue. I wouldn't go. They can come to you and stay in an airbnb or hotel. Airbnb would be better and then they can make Christmas dinner and you just turn up with baby.

MouseholeCat · 21/09/2021 23:12

YANBU!!

I'm due late October and family definintely know that both Thanksgiving (I'm in the US) is totally off limits and that's a comparable timeline to Christmas for you. TBH, even Christmas is up in the air for us and zero way will we be the ones travelling!!

whynotwhatknot · 21/09/2021 23:12

You still want to host though? youre likely to be knakcered and not in the best of moods to be hosting 2 sets of parents

Peachee · 21/09/2021 23:28

100% stay at home.. we went visiting our parents on Christmas Day with a two week old and it was sheer carnage. I felt so I relaxed, out of control and overwhelmed. You really do need creature comforts and familiarity with a newborn. Xxx

Peachee · 21/09/2021 23:29

*unrelaxed

AcrossthePond55 · 21/09/2021 23:44

Of course YANBU! The idea of a 1-3 week pp mother traveling anywhere she doesn't absolutely have to is ridiculous! And anyone who purports to love her that would have a problem with that needs to give their heads a huge wobble or keep their mouths shut.

I'd say the same for having family to yours, really. Unless they want to stay elsewhere, provide all the food, and do all the work!

A new mum needs rest and time to heal and adjust to the massive change in her life. The same goes for a new dad, too. He also needs time to adjust and learn, as well as supporting his wife/partner. There's nothing that's 'being precious' about that!

Driftingblue · 21/09/2021 23:46

Somehow in all this I didn’t realize they knew about the pregnancy. My brain couldn’t grasp anyone thinking the plans weren’t automatically off so it made more sense that you were delaying announcing for some reason.

Angie1403 · 21/09/2021 23:49

Our family has a tradition where the baby’s first Xmas is at home with the parents and no one else. It’s a stressful time at best and when you put a new baby in the mix it becomes very challenging and emotional. We hosted my SiL and new baby the following year when the wee one was 16 months and even that was stressful for my SiL because of the time getting ready, the travelling, the not being able to relax for a minute even with all of us there to take turns. I just wanted to send her upstairs for a nap she was so tired.
As a FTM you won’t know this yet but the last thing you will need or want on top of having just given birth is to travel that distance and be in a place that isn’t home. You may still be bleeding, you will absolutely be lactating and you will still have your pregnancy body more or less so you won’t be feeling yourself. Your DH won’t be able to comprehend what your experiencing (which isn’t the same as him not empathising) so it might be hard to explain as he may not understand how making such a journey with a new baby and your post pregnancy body/hormones can take its toll on you given nothing has altered for him in that way. You will be feeding every 3 hours or whatever. To top it all off, you will be a kind of tired you didn’t know existed and the baby will be all you see; other people will be on your peripheral vision. Personally, I’m not sure you will enjoy it and if I was to hardline it, I would say you’re in charge of whether you go or not. Please don’t do it just to make other people happy, you need all the inner peace you can generate for yourself when you have a newborn.

Dilbertian · 22/09/2021 00:00

I had a 1week old baby at Christmas. We were discharged from hospital on Christmas Eve and I cannot remember anything about that Christmas Day. My head was totally elsewhere Grin

Cancel now, so that there's time to make new plans. And whatever those plans are, you prioritise yourself, your new baby, and your new family unit this Christmas.

CallyWW · 22/09/2021 00:04

100% stay home!!

Nat6999 · 22/09/2021 00:08

Your baby may be late which would mean you will have to be at home, could you book for next year instead? Even at home with a very new born you will probably not be up for entertaining, would your family be up for staying nearby & cooking Christmas Dinner for you at your house? You can organise getting most of the food in early, put everything you can in the freezer so there is only the fresh stuff to get & your family could bring that with them. You will probably only be fit for sitting on the sofa feeding your baby,Christmas will still be special as you will have your new baby.

Dobbyafreeelf · 22/09/2021 00:12

Could your parents book an air b&b near you? That way they could host xmas from there and you pop round for as long as you like on the day? That way you won't feel pressured to host or for your place to be super tidy etc!

Anoisagusaris · 22/09/2021 00:16

Not a chance! You might want to read up on what the first few weeks post birth can be live! Or perhaps it’s best not to know too much 🙈

Anoisagusaris · 22/09/2021 00:17

Like, not live!

Ohgodihatemywi · 22/09/2021 00:22

Re arrange for Easter? And have them stay near you over Christmas.

thaegumathteth · 22/09/2021 00:23

I wouldn't be going especially as My babies have been 2 weeks late!

I did go away when dc2 was 3 weeks old but it was staying with family and I wasn't hosting anyone. Plus it wasn't my first baby.

Jeds55 · 22/09/2021 00:25

I'm due 21st Nov with second and we've said from the start that we aren't travelling to any family this Christmas. My parents are 4.5 hours away and his are an hour. We've told people they can drop in to visit us but aren't arranging days for that until after baby here so may not see anyone Xmas day as they'll probably be booked up. I'm surprised no one in your family has mentioned that the timing may not be great for you guys this year!
Agree with everything that's been said about not knowing how you'll be feeling post-party - dd and I were in hospital for 8 days after her birth so whilst not likely to happen it shows that things don't always run to plan. You'll definitely want your own surroundings to settle into life as a new mum. Hope the family understand!

sprinkleyumnut · 22/09/2021 00:46

Do what is best for you and what makes you comfortable. Its not your problem or fault that your partners parents don't drive, they would have to find another way up.

LostInTheColonies · 22/09/2021 00:49

Does either set of parents have space for you to stay? Might be easier than an Air B&B (if you get on with them!!). Potentially more hands to make light work and let you get some sleep... I wouldn't try hosting anywhere though - time to allow others to look after on you instead.

Clearly going against the grain, I travelled internationally (almost 3,000 miles as the crow flies; three flights) with a 3-week old to visit family and it was absolutely fine and lovely to be with family at the other end.
Used a sling, and fed DD during take off & landing. BF, so no hassle with bottles or sterilisation or similar. She slept most of the way (as they do when they're tiny).

whatsmyusername · 22/09/2021 07:14

I'd stay home.

1-3 weeks old - so I presume you are basing that on a due date birth being 3 weeks old 1 week old will be if you go over 2 weeks.
If you go over 2 weeks and end up being induced it could be a few days of labour following that, possibly then a c section on top. I was in hospital for 5 days after DD birth therefore you may barely even be home. You certainly will be exhausted. On the other end of the scale 1 week after DS was born we were at the zoo for the day but he was my second and it was a very quick birth. However, I still would not have wanted to go away. We had our summer hols when DS was 12 weeks old and that in itself was a mission just the packing and preparation took a week or more in-between feeds etc.

If you are 2 weeks early have a really quick birth and baby pops out feeds well you sleeps briliantly you may be up for traveling. However there is a 99% chance that wont happen.

When you are home you will also have numerous midwife and health visitor visits in the first couple of weeks, with it being your first you will likely want these for the support and guidance.

If you do decide to go then you will be able to make it work, its not impossible however baby may hate the car and cry whenever traveling any journey.

Good luck anyway and many congratulations 👶🏼