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Original poster

Going to get flamed- another MIL one

148 replies

flameyone · 21/09/2021 20:14

OK, name changed for this one.

I know I'm BU. But just wondered if anyone would feel the same slight annoyance/ grating.

My MIL has kept everything her two kids have ever used in their lives. Think, spoons, plates, potties, all toys etc etc etc. She's thrown nothing away ever.

I have a son and he gets to use those things all the time when we go there. Super useful. But MIL feels the need to mention it constantly that son is using daddy's old spoon. Or auntie's old cup. She also always mentions how she's kept everything.

I mean, constant mentioning of that. It just grates on me and I'm not sure why. Would the constant reminding grate on anyone else? I don't mind son using this stuff at all. It's great and it's nice. Just the reminding grates.

OP posts:
TenPenceMix · 22/09/2021 06:30

My MIL is very similar. But it's stories that always start with 'fit I used ta dae (Doric)' then some long winded story of her method of changing a nappy or using tights instead of socks on her 'loons' I've heard every story multiple times and could finish it for her... used to really piss me off when I was a new (sleep deprived) mum. Now I just mentally zone out until the reminiscing ends.

kshaw · 22/09/2021 06:37

I actually understand this and been in a very similar situation. Every time my in laws turned up they'd bring something from when ex or SIL were little. Very 80s clothes or a toy etc...but annoyingly they'd also want it back when baby finished with it so instead of being able to take to charity shop or bin (honestly some of the stuff was completely unwearable) it ended.up me storing the crap!! Including a half inflated rugby ball my ex remembers getting for free on a camping holiday to France. All the 'havw you worn it yet?' questions used to annoy me too

notthemum · 22/09/2021 06:42

@it'ssunnyoutside.
Am having a crap week so far, but this made me laugh out loud , so thanks 😊

HumphreyCobblers · 22/09/2021 06:46

I think this could be annoying. Although it starts off being charming, it is always annoying when people say the same thing over and over again. Also, it is very draining when the focus is always brought back to the other person in a kind of ‘Back to me and my children’, especially when your own child is right there in the room. I had relatives that did this, every single interaction with my child was related to how they did it with their child.

Nomorefuckstogive · 22/09/2021 06:51

Aah, try to be compassionate. She misses the old days, when her DC were children. Ignore.

Original poster
flameyone · 22/09/2021 06:55

@HumphreyCobblers

I think this could be annoying. Although it starts off being charming, it is always annoying when people say the same thing over and over again. Also, it is very draining when the focus is always brought back to the other person in a kind of ‘Back to me and my children’, especially when your own child is right there in the room. I had relatives that did this, every single interaction with my child was related to how they did it with their child.
Yes ! So true ! ' back to me and my children and how I did everything so well '.
OP posts:
Fairyliz · 22/09/2021 07:07

[quote flameyone]@Moonwatcher1234 hahha aww. I've also kept all my sons stuff to be fair. So far. It's not annoying at all to keep stuff and to offer to use it.

It's only annoying ( to me ) when it's constantly mentioned. Every visit, every time, every day.

I'll say it again because I know my MIL, it's bragging in her case. At least that's how I perceive it. [/quote]
Can you explain why you think it is bragging op?
I can understand how it is irritating, anything constantly repeated would be.
But saying ‘this is daddies cup he had when he was three…… how is that bragging?

Original poster
flameyone · 22/09/2021 07:14

@Fairyliz well, she's clearly proud of herself for keeping all their stuff. Pointing something positive out that you've done ( constantly ) to me is bragging.

It's like as if I constantly mentioned something I'm proud of. That would also be bragging.

You don't know her and the background, but I see it that way. She's showing off.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 22/09/2021 07:26

Your MiL sounds somewhat odd but then tbf OP so do you. Luckily you are not married to each other.

Feelingoktoday · 22/09/2021 07:29

[quote flameyone]@Fairyliz well, she's clearly proud of herself for keeping all their stuff. Pointing something positive out that you've done ( constantly ) to me is bragging.

It's like as if I constantly mentioned something I'm proud of. That would also be bragging.

You don't know her and the background, but I see it that way. She's showing off. [/quote]
We don’t know her as you say. Do you think it’s bragging that she has kept daddy’s spoon. Weird. Ok you don’t like looking backwards but you sound a right party pooper. I think it’s sweet and in the grand scheme of things is minor. Wait until you have a girl and your mum constantly says how your daughter looks like you and how you loved ballet and gym. And your first boyfriend. Blah blah. But I bet your husband will think it’s sweet.

Original poster
flameyone · 22/09/2021 07:32

@Feelingoktoday it is only bragging because it's done hundreds of times !

OP posts:
Original poster
flameyone · 22/09/2021 07:33

@Porcupineintherough

Your MiL sounds somewhat odd but then tbf OP so do you. Luckily you are not married to each other.
This is also true
OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 22/09/2021 07:33

[quote flameyone]@Fairyliz well, she's clearly proud of herself for keeping all their stuff. Pointing something positive out that you've done ( constantly ) to me is bragging.

It's like as if I constantly mentioned something I'm proud of. That would also be bragging.

You don't know her and the background, but I see it that way. She's showing off. [/quote]
No. She's sentimental about her child's things.

You are obviously cross with her about something else.

ReallyNeedToPrioritiseMe · 22/09/2021 07:36

My MIL didn’t do exactly this, but she did try her best to ‘be mum’. Even called herself mum once.

What if you played the same game - you start referring to the dishes first as Dad’s plate/ Aunties mug. (Whatever).
Might feel like it just becomes the dishes names (to you), let’s her hear the label and maybe it is nice for your child to make the connection

She’s an old woman. I don’t know how old, but her attitude is old. You can’t ‘win’. She’s either manipulating you, or she’s just kinda sad about the past. Either way, I don’t think there’s much you can do except try to change how you view/ manage this.

Because if you really speak out you’ll cause a fight, and you’ll be viewed badly - because it was all about ‘daddy’s plate’ - and she was just being a lovely gran.

DancesWithTortoises · 22/09/2021 07:37

You don't sound very kind, OP.

It seems to me that she's reliving happy memories why is that so wrong?

This can't be the only reason you are so unpleasant about her.

Original poster
flameyone · 22/09/2021 07:44

@DancesWithTortoises

You don't sound very kind, OP.

It seems to me that she's reliving happy memories why is that so wrong?

This can't be the only reason you are so unpleasant about her.

Maybe I'm jealous or something ? Maybe because logistically we always spend time with in laws and less time with my family, it feels like it's a constant memory fest, which makes me feel othered. As obviously I'm not biologically part of that family. I wasn't there when daddy used that spoon etc. So I'm just the meaningless carrier that brought the grand children into the world. All their family traditions are important, not mine. As we are just a wing to their original family, rather than our own. Deep.

Of course there's more to our relationship than this thing with daddy's spoon.

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 22/09/2021 07:47

Just turn it around and when your DC pick up something you know was kept ask MIL "Is that Daddy's old xxxx or Mummy's?" She might understand the annoyance after a while.
Sometimes these small annoyances are hard to overlook when you have noticed them. Perhaps try to focus your energy on something else.

Notonthestairs · 22/09/2021 07:53

Well your last post makes lots of sense and explains why it's winding you up. Why can't you spend more time with your own family?

Cheeseplantboots · 22/09/2021 07:57

No it wouldn’t bother me.

ladybrunton · 22/09/2021 08:00

I couldn't get worked up about this. It's harmless.

HumphreyCobblers · 22/09/2021 08:08

All the people saying they wouldn’t have got worked up about it haven’t actually had to put up with it.

Flapjak · 22/09/2021 08:39

I think part of this is competitive parenting, but also it exludes you from the conversation and is a bit self involved. There really is no need to mention the fact that it was daddys spoon more than once, to you anyway. Does she lack the ability to have an adult conversation other than small talk? Is this just a conversation filler?

whenwillthemadnessend · 22/09/2021 08:42

I do get it op

Is she one of those that always talks about HER family and never asks questions or if she asks them Doesn't listen to the responses.

My in-laws did this to a certain extent and it drove me crazy

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 08:46

It may get on your nerves a bit but it is harmless. I actually think it's rather sweet.

labazslovesliving · 22/09/2021 09:58

shes just enjoying memories of times gone by