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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to get flamed- another MIL one

148 replies

flameyone · 21/09/2021 20:14

OK, name changed for this one.

I know I'm BU. But just wondered if anyone would feel the same slight annoyance/ grating.

My MIL has kept everything her two kids have ever used in their lives. Think, spoons, plates, potties, all toys etc etc etc. She's thrown nothing away ever.

I have a son and he gets to use those things all the time when we go there. Super useful. But MIL feels the need to mention it constantly that son is using daddy's old spoon. Or auntie's old cup. She also always mentions how she's kept everything.

I mean, constant mentioning of that. It just grates on me and I'm not sure why. Would the constant reminding grate on anyone else? I don't mind son using this stuff at all. It's great and it's nice. Just the reminding grates.

OP posts:
fourminutestosavetheworld · 21/09/2021 22:25

Would it annoy you so much if it was your own mum telling dc little stories about your childhood do you think?

I always loved hearing stories about my mum and dad from gc.

pommepommefrites · 21/09/2021 22:36

Errr, no I meant future-MIL-you would be a prick (comes with the territory it seems) but looks like you've already had a head start 👍

Original poster
flameyone · 21/09/2021 22:39

@pommepommefrites

Errr, no I meant future-MIL-you would be a prick (comes with the territory it seems) but looks like you've already had a head start 👍
Ditto love.
OP posts:
RoseAndGeranium · 21/09/2021 22:48

@Remoteso

I have to bite my tongue when my nieces and nephews wear hand me downs from my own kids... it just reminds me of when mine were little. I can imagine it would get annoying for their parents, my siblings, but the urge is there!

Tiresome but you'd miss it if she stopped.

Oh I don't think you should worry about this. My little boy wears loads of hand me downs from his cousins and when my sister notices and reminisces a bit I think it's really nice. Often I point it out!
Mondaynightnamechange · 21/09/2021 22:57

I’m like this when my youngest wears his older brothers clothes, it makes me happy 😊

Feelingoktoday · 21/09/2021 23:08

We are all different OP. What your Mil is probably just trying to make conversation and talk about when your partner was little. I think you are being intolerant to be honest. Do you never look at photos of your baby when he was born and think ah how lovely? I love the memories on FB and looking at photo albums. I just wish more of my family was alive so I could talk with them about their lives and look at photos and Nick backs rather than rushing through life.

Nsky · 21/09/2021 23:47

I get it, tho my three brothers and I often talk about the past, in a happy way ( 55,57,64 and 66). Especially since out parents were killed five years ago
My sister in laws find it a bit much at times, tho my nieces and nephews seem ok.
I’m not a mil, and respect my daughter in law, we all live in the past to an extent, tho lol to the future too

saraclara · 22/09/2021 00:09

Maybe it's the general loss of the golden years when your kids really needed you ? Maybe we all end up missing that when they're all grown up?

I've surprised myself by being like this. I honestly didn't expect to be. I don't know if being widowed a few years has anything to do with it, but even though I'm thrilled with who my DDs are as adults, and am happy with life, I get incredibly nostalgic for the days when they were small, and yes, I love bring out books and toys that were my DDs' for my toddler DGD to play with. I'm a generally forward-thinking person and reasonably optimistic, but I miss those times with a young family so much. And I find myself reminiscing a lot.

My DDs are very tolerant of it, and one, in particular, enjoys hearing stuff about herself as a small child. But maybe it's different with your own offspring. I don't regale their partners with stories of them.

Timeforredwine · 22/09/2021 01:00

Why is it that so many women just really pick on anything the mil does or says but wouldnt do it to their own mothers, whats wrong with her having great memories? Maybe just smile sweetly and be nice? If thats her worst your lucky.

Nogardenersworld · 22/09/2021 01:12

Oh my god I know this!
On the surface it seems fine
But it’s not, it’s boring and self centred and it’s being said in place of ‘wasnt I the best mum, look, look what a good mum i was’

Unless it’s said pointedly, in which case its the same thing but with the implication you are either wasteful with money, not as clever as her, or not as good / maternal a mother as her.

If she was excitedly talking about it remembering her own children being young and being nostalgic with the items that’s different
But I imagine what she is actually talking about is the act of her keeping the items

sweetgingercat · 22/09/2021 01:45

I kind of like it, but then most of my family are dead and reminiscing like this has become a hugely important way of linking my children to them. Your children will have an amazing knowledge of their dad's family and a great sense of themselves within it. It will give them confidence too.

So I also think YABU.

ReggaetonLente · 22/09/2021 01:49

@MacNTosh

I’d find it irritating too. She obviously doesn’t feel heard, try asking her about the items, her memories of her children when they were young etc. Having a long chat about it might be just what she needs.
This is a kind way to deal with it.
kagado · 22/09/2021 01:51

I think it's strange to keep EVERYTHING - I get keeping a few things but potty? And ALL the toys? She must have lots of storage space.

yoyo1234 · 22/09/2021 01:52

So agree with ChocolateHelps :
Or it's a generational thing...never throw anything away. My in laws have a VAST loft, in the home counties, and have never thrown anything away. I live mid terrace zone 3 London and have a loft conversion....I throw EVERYTHING away and the children constantly dobb me in 😂

I think there is a space issue as well . House footage was cheaper relative to wages other material items were maybe more expensive so items were kept.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 22/09/2021 01:56

Honestly? My mil couldn't even remember ( when asked) DHs birth weight., a nd doesn't acknowledge his birthday. She isl ovely, but always made it clear she didn't want any baby items left at her house. She's not a bad person by any means, and I know she loves her grandkids. But I'll no doubt be the arsehole MIL revelling in nostalgia in years to come! Is that not the MILs job?

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 22/09/2021 02:00

Also: my mum kept a lot of "stuff " in the expectation of having more. 2 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths later, she never did. Those things could be precious...

1forAll74 · 22/09/2021 02:02

It's fine, just don't dwell on this at all.

SMBH · 22/09/2021 02:20

“ In laws delve pretty much every day into the past. It comes up every time I see them. How often do other people delve ? Maybe I'm weird then ?”

I don’t think your or their way of considering the past is weird, it’s just what you do - I do think it’s a bit odd that you are trying to divide people into two groups based on how much they talk about the past and making assumptions about that. I don’t think it’s as simple as you make out.

My MIL is very sentimental and lots of things are imbued with meaning for her in a way that they wouldn’t for me, and I nod and smile because it’s clearly important to her. She tries to explain this to the children but they are too young to understand and just want to talk about Thomas the tank engine

Anycrispsleft · 22/09/2021 04:22

@Freddiefox

Most people are annoying after a while
That's the wisest comment I've heard in a long time. It's true! It doesn't mean they're bad people or that you're a bad person for finding them annoying.
ohfook · 22/09/2021 04:35

My mum does that.I think it's just nice for them to see.

Original poster
flameyone · 22/09/2021 05:30

@Nogardenersworld

Oh my god I know this! On the surface it seems fine But it’s not, it’s boring and self centred and it’s being said in place of ‘wasnt I the best mum, look, look what a good mum i was’

Unless it’s said pointedly, in which case its the same thing but with the implication you are either wasteful with money, not as clever as her, or not as good / maternal a mother as her.

If she was excitedly talking about it remembering her own children being young and being nostalgic with the items that’s different
But I imagine what she is actually talking about is the act of her keeping the items

Yeah she doesn't tell stories about the items really, she just points out how she's kept everything and how it's daddy's cup, that auntie also used etc.
OP posts:
Rainbow0821 · 22/09/2021 05:40

YABVU. It sounds like you're determined to find things to dislike about her. I think it's sweet, I couldn't get worked up about this.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 22/09/2021 06:10

"Yeah she doesn't tell stories about the items really, she just points out how she's kept everything and how it's daddy's cup, that auntie also used etc."

Oh I thought you meant that she wittered on with long stories. So when your dc use an item, she tells them it used to be daddy's and that's it?

I think I can understand why you find it repetitive and a bit grating but I don't really understand why you are attributing all of these negative motives to her.

I don't think it would annoy you so much if your own mum did it, and I really do think you'll find yourself doing it when you're older too.

Do you think there is another reason for your reaction to this? Does your dh refer to her as a great mum, or do you subconsciously measure yourself against her? Does her being a good mum imply in some way that you are not? Alternatively, maybe your dh says that she was a terrible mum and this feels like she's rewriting history somehow?

PoppyFleur · 22/09/2021 06:23

How often are you seeing your MIL?

You mentioned she says it every time, every day. Are you seeing your MIL daily?

SMBH · 22/09/2021 06:26

I have a friend who has kept so many of her children’s old things, far more than I think I would (though my children are still small, so who knows), but her own family home burnt to the ground when she was 12yo and all beloved objects, photos, any possessions that might have become keepsakes or memory triggers were gone. She would so love to see just one thing (a picture she had drawn, or her childhood crockery, baby clothes etc) from her early years that she can hardly bear to throw anything of her own children’s things away in case they want to see them when they are grown up. This is an extreme example, but we all have different lines we draw about these things.