AIBU? I feel differently about my friends since my wedding?

[JackieBrown63]

Trying to keep a long story short..... :S

I don't have many friends, a LOT of acquaintances but few what I would say good/close friends. I asked my best friend since school to be my MOH and my brother's girlfriend I asked to be my bridesmaid because she's been in the family for years and I love her to bits! None of my other friends/acquaintances came to my hen do or wedding for various reasons which is fine it just upset me a little in the lead up to the wedding.

My MOH completely took over my hen do and decided she wanted to surprise me rather than do what I actually asked for and wanted. She did the same for my hen do as her own. She also uninvited my mum to the day which really bothered me because I'd promised her we would do something together during the daytime.

The day of my wedding was awful, my MOH and bridesmaid kept making fun of the dresses I'd picked for them, decorations, colours and my wedding dress. It hurt me a lot but I laughed it off at the time. My MOD told my mum I never wanted to get married I only wanted a fancy party, which is not true I married the love of my life and we had a very cheap wedding. My MOD in particular never said anything nice to me, only complained about what was wrong with the wedding decisions me and my husband made. I have hardly heard from her since. My husband and I had an incredible day - it was magical for us and everything we wanted. However, I can't help but feel different about my friendships after all this. There was a lot of other stuff that happened that I've chosen to leave out but is this normal to feel this way? I don't know how to get over this feeling.

[SpeckledlyHen]

@CurryLover55

What does MOD mean?

Same.. I am really confused! I have tried to work it out but I can't

[Gonnagetgoing]

OK, you bin off the 'best friend' and limit interaction with brother's girlfriend.

Unless there's a huge backstory they're absolute bitches and deserve to be ignored and not interacted with.

[Standrewsschool]

I think it’s lovely you chose a colour theme that meant something to:you. You bridesmaids should be supporting you, not criticising.

[Cocomarine]

Not of a theme of not standing up for up itself here.
Albeit that the dress you linked is beautiful, you’re not Bosnian, so why are your bridal party reflecting your husband’s nationality - and why was he making all the decisions about the wedding?

Why didn’t you tell MOH, no surprises thank you - or did you actually arrive at the hen do expecting one thing and getting another?

They were really rude to laugh at things on the day. I don’t really understand why you’re asking if it’s normal to feel this way. What? To feel cross when someone has been rude to you? Why wouldn’t that be normal?

[Cocomarine]

*Bit of a theme

[JackieBrown63]

Cocomarine - Because of his nationality, most of his family couldn't make the wedding so it meant a lot to him to have some kind of representation of his background and I loved his ideas. I had some input of my own but he decide EVERYTHING.

I told her I didn't want surprises but she said it was due to covid that we'd had to change the original plan.

I wanted to get some extra opinions on this because maybe I am being too sensitive or maybe this kind of behaviour is normal at weddings.

Hope that answers your questions

[JackieBrown63]

*didn't decide everything (argh where is my brain today!?!)

[Fere]

I think that OP meant MOH - The Maid Of Honour, not MOD

[Hugoslavia]

I have to admit that when you said that the theme was yellow and blue I baulked slightly. But then the link to the dress is really lovely. A really pretty colour. More of a lemon and navy theme. I think that your friends were tactless and completely thoughtless. However, I bet they didn't deliberately set out to ruin your day. Focus on the good parts and let the rest go, otherwise you risk tainting the memories of an otherwise lovely day. Take your mother out for a post wedding day out instead. Just the two of you. Afternoon tea/a spa/day trip. It will be much nicer than your hen do in any event as you will be able to spend quality time together.

[Cocomarine]

I just looked at your other dress thread. It wasn’t a surprise though, the hen do. You posted the day before it and you already knew then that you were spending the day with her and only seeing others in the evening. You said you already knew you weren’t getting what you wanted because it “wasn’t an option”.

Honestly, I find it really odd that your husband decided EVERYTHING. But perhaps you and I just have different personalities.

But back to the hen do - why didn’t you say no?

I think there’s no point in continuing a relationship with people who were rude on your wedding day - or at any time, really! But I wonder if they didn’t think they were belittling YOUR choices, but HIS choices? Which still isn’t acceptable, but I’m just thinking aloud about why they did it. I’d ditch them.

What did you want to do for your hen that wasn’t possible?

[JackieBrown63]

Hugoslavia - what a lovely idea!!! I will do that with my mum to make up for it and thank her for all her help :)

[JackieBrown63]

Cocomarine - where we were going was a surprise to me and what time etc. I'd already asked my mum if she could go but it was to far for her to get there.

I made a typo my husband didn't decide everything but it was mostly all his ideas. I don't see anything wrong with liking his ideas.

I DID say no to the surprise on the hen do but it was getting late in the day and it was the only option at the time. I had told her all along I wanted to go for a fun/silly day out at this particular adventure park. It was affordable and close by and my family were all up for it. I honestly wasn't sure what was going on due to covid so it wasn't worth the fight literally the day before my hen do. everything at this point needed to be booked in advance so it was what she wanted or nothing.

[Cocomarine]

It didn’t look like a typo though. You don’t type that you had some input “but he decide EVERYTHING” - your capitals - by mistake, surely?

And that’s your business, if you’re happy with him deciding. I only drag it up again, because it possibly shows a passivity that you could think about.

Nothing about your explanation actually does explain why your hen do preference was ignored.

So I can’t decide whether she’s awful for over riding your hen do wishes, or whether you just passively let her decide - and she didn’t know that you actually cared. Maybe from her point of view, she suggested something and you said “OK”.

The duck comments on your wedding day were mean, I wouldn’t stay friends with her. But it’s hard to get an overall picture of what’s going on, because I can’t tell if she was quite selfishly over riding you on the hen - or just being like your husband - listening to your input, but making the decision herself. Perhaps you come across as being less bothered than you actually are.

[FamBae]

I think the comments your MOH made to your mum about you only wanting a party & didn't want to get married would be enough for me to back well away from the relationship. Re you brothers girlfriend that's a little trickier as she could be in your life for many years to come, I would have a private word with her and say how upset I was that she and your MOH were taking the piss out of everything and ask how she would feel if it happened to her, if she's as nice as you say she may just have got caught up in your MOH's viciousness. As a pp said have a lovely day out with your mum and I'm glad you had a wonderful day and didn't let this spoil it.

[AnotherSoddingWalk]

You could have asked them to wear nothing but the Bosnian bloody flag and, as your friends, they should have smiled and cracked on. Rude arseholes the pair of them. Get rid if I were you.

[TempName01]

You already knew well in advance that MOH hated the dress so although that was twatty of her, you could have done something about it. Sounds like DBs girlfriend was just going along with her ‘banter’ if she is usually nice.

[UrbanRambler]

OP, your wedding colour theme sounds unique and it was a lovely touch. Whether the colour of the bridesmaids' dresses was to their taste is not really relevant - it was YOUR day, not theirs! Your MOH sounds like and absolute bitch, I would keep my distance - a friend like her does more harm than good.

Maybe when funds permit you can get together with your proper friends, over afternoon tea or something, and go through your wedding album together? If they are real friends they might be happy to hear about your special day and would probably admire the things that made it special for you.

[Cadent]

They sound awful, I think you're right to distance yourself.

I think I mentioned in a previous comment that I didn't know my mum wasn't invited. The venue was too far away for her to get there in time as my MOH had planned an afternoon tea for us two in a country house. This upset my mum too because she really wanted to go.

It sounds like the day part of the hen was just afternoon tea for you and your MoH? It's sad that your mum wasn't invited but surely your mum could have just organised an afternoon tea for the two of you for another time?

[Tigger1895]

It sounds like petty jealousy. Call her on her behaviour as she isn’t being a friend if she is being nasty and she will ruin every major moment in your future if you let her away with it.

[OneMoreStitch]

I don't care if someone chooses the most hideous colours and dresses, if it's what your friend wants and you've accepted the request to be in their wedding, you shut up, wear it, smile, and be happy for your friend. No-one else cares how the bride's maids are dressed, anyway. Making rude comments on the wedding day is horrible!

Distance yourself from them, by all means. (I don't think you'd be wrong to drop these people completely!) I'd focus on the good parts of your wedding, try to see your other friends when possible, and enjoy being newly married!

[LadyTiredWinterBottom2]

I would quietly let them drop off the radar as far as possible. Decline if they suggest meeting up etc. Forget about them. It was your and your DH day, you enjoyed it, they don't matter.

[WhoIsPepeSilva]

This is not a brag @JackieBrown63 but to show you how it should be:

For my wedding my MOH and BM told me they would wear whatever and in what ever colour I picked. I actually struggled to get them to tell me what they wanted because they were so focused on making me happy. I wanted them happy to so wanted to find something that worked for everyone and we settled on lovely dresses that they both liked in my DH & my chosen colour.

On the day they got dressed as I was getting my hair and makeup done. I could hear some muttering from the other room and knew there was something wrong but when I asked they all told me that everything was absolutely great and not to worry.

After everyone was dressed, hair done and made up they came clean that BM had been struggling to get into her dress and they were confused and swapped around a couple of times to be sure they had the right ones. They didn't want to stress me out. BM never once mentioned it even though her dress was a little tight and she must have been a bit uncomfortable.

Everyone said lovely things about the hairstyles and makeup and had been given a lot of choice by the lady who did it all for us. Mum in particular was really pleased with how she looked. We all looked really lovely, the stylist did a great job!

The whole day my bridal party was nothing but lovely and supportive, they had a great time and tried their best to make sure everyone else did and that it had gone smoothly.

My MOH was fantastic because actually she had not long divorced an abusive H and could have been understandably jaded about everything... but she's not an arsehole.

OP your MOH and BM are really horrible people, they're clearly not your friend.

because I'm sure it takes a bit of the shine off the day for you but don't dwell too long on it and move forward without them.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

Anyone who is not helpful or supportive has no place in your life.

[willstarttomorrow]

OP- these women are not your friends. I understand you wanting to recognise your DH's culture, particularly as covid would have made it very difficult for his family to attend. I have family members from a Balkan country and weddings are very different in some ways, far more based in tradition, community and wishing a couple well than expecting 'the big show'.

The main thing is that you had an amazing day. I do slightly despair that weddings in the UK now, for some people, are more about image than enjoyment. I wonder if part of the problem around hen nights is that, now people get married later, there is a greater mix from different friendship stages than just school/uni friends so the group are complete strangers. This is coupled with increasingly ambitious weekends organised by the MOH rather than a night out. Lots of those attending already resent the money and time involved taking part in something they just really do not want to do with peole they do not know.

[CannaeRemember]

@JackieBrown63

TempName01 - yes she tried to get her bridesmaid dress altered. I was happy to come to a middle-ground with her but she ended up having to self isolate before the wedding anyway so we couldn't get it done.

haha MOD was a type whoops!

CannaeRemember - I think I mentioned in a previous comment that I didn't know my mum wasn't invited. The venue was too far away for her to get there in time as my MOH had planned an afternoon tea for us two in a country house. This upset my mum too because she really wanted to go.

So you did, OP, apologies for missing that. Such a shame that your MOH decided that your mum should miss out. Little wonder both you and she were upset.