Parents insisting my DS mask?

[L0stinCyberspace]

My parents can be very neurotic and are suddenly insisting DS (13) wears a mask when visiting them with us. He is doubly vaccinated and wears a mask in school (Ireland). I pointed out yesterday to my irate Father that he took train across the country recently, they use buses and taxis, my DH is in work, and my son is no likelier to carry Covid than they do.
They've been watching the jump in primary school children being sent home when one child tests positive, and are obsessing about this.
Yesterday I told my son not to mask and my Father was furious and left the room (which had an open window and we were all sitting at a long distance from each other) in a rage. AIBU?

Look it’s up to your parents how they feel mad what they want when meeting up

Whatever you personally think this is what they want

So either suck it up and do it so you can see them

Or don’t and don’t see them

Simple as that

@readytoretire

I think "treated like a leper" is a bit extreme! I do worry more about my dd having contact with her gps than me or my dh as dd is mixing much more at school and socially. My dm was extremely poorly in summer with covid (hospital) despite being double vaccinated so am even more cautious now.

Sorry but it was treating that child as a leper.

If you are worried about being in contact with covid and you think that said child is a risk, then you don't invite him for lunch. Actually you don't even invite him in the house.

And you don't go to length to say that you really want to see that child so they are coming in their own to THEN send them in another room for lunch when it was possible to eat outside together.
And you don't answer 'because I am not going to' when your son in law proposes a quite normal solution (eating outside) to solve the issue either.

That's not the behaviour of someone who is anxious/worried etc.. These are the actions of a bully.

@Hardybloodyhar

It's emotional abuse and bullying.

OP, is your father often like this? We're you ok growing up with him?

This is not normal. Normal people do not treat their innocent GC as a threat.

He was a physically and emotionally violent and controlling bully. It really took off once I reached puberty. I suppose I'd hoped that with DS being male (and DF being misogynistic) it would not repeat itself, but now I think it is. So this is far more than just a fearful man insisting on masks.

I feel thoroughly ashamed at the kind of background I come from and enjoyed the semblance of normality that my DS had in his relationship with my parents, but I need to be exceptionally careful now of my boundaries and keeping DS safe from what I was raised with.

I don't understand all this "his house, his rules" nonsense. Since when is it reasonable to invite a child round and treat him like a leper to be feared?

If you're so afraid of someone that you're going to treat them badly, don't invite them to your home!

Ultimately his house, his rules. Can't say I would be going back though.

Absolutely no way, if he was wearing one and insisted you all did then… maybe… just about. I would find it utterly pathetic even then though. But singling out your son is disgusting.

Whilst your DF is not being particularly logical or reasonable, I'm not sure what you would like to happen? You cannot force him to change his mind, the only choices you can make here are to either defy him in his house or not go.

If you defy him, what happens if he gets covid (from any source)? Presumably he/other family members will accuse your son, and your son may even feel guilty (even if nothing to do with him! How will you ever prove the source of infection). Same if you coerce him into changing his stance against his will and he gets covid.

So if you can't change his mind or defy him without potential hurtful ramifications, and you also feel the treatment of your DS in his home is currently hurtful to him...then I would think your only options are to either both wear masks or refuse to go to their house.

If your DS is too "sensitive" (aka not sexist like your DF) he may see your DS as "not properly manly" so it may not help that your DS is a boy...

But for everyone else, for the last time even though children mix more with other people at school they are still less likely to pass on COVID.

It's not logical to single him out necessarily but I can totally get on board with people in general still wearing masks .

I think you’re seeing what’s going on here. No more ds visiting alone, and if you all visit and ds is singled out, you all leave.

@timeisnotaline it is now 100% clear to me, sadly.

After reading your subsequent posts..this isn't about covid. If your father was genuinely scared, he'd treat everyone like this. It's just a way to assert his power. Don't let him

[quote L0stinCyberspace]@MajorCarolDanvers no, they are just singling out DS fora mask!

They invited him for lunch b4 school started up, but then made him eat his meal in a separate room. They could have eaten outside as I bought them a sturdy garden set, but Father "didn't want to". [/quote]
Gosh my mouth actually dropped open at this! How AWFUL of them. I'd certainly not be hurrying back there any time soon.

Ah. I read your updates. Your father sound, I'm sorry to say, like a bit of a twat. Now I also feel sorry for your mum, and you!

[quote L0stinCyberspace]@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons no, agreed there's no problem with him wearing a mask. It's the seeing him as some kind of contagion that I have the issue with- despite him being doubly vaccinated and wearing masks at school. If he was in primary where there's no vaccination or masking I'd absolutely see my DPs POV.

@TintinIsBack thanks re 1. 2 - I'm dutiful and also love to see DS with his GP's. I dreaded the day when my DF might start going for DS the way he did for me as a young teen. I suppose this is the beginning. Will reduce contact and not let DS go alone anymore. 3. Outbursts have been my life. I'm constantly attacked by DF.[/quote]
You're constantly being attacked and yet you still go back for more and now he's started on Ds. I think you should seriously think about cutting back on contact with this horrible bully of a man. Meet your mother out for coffee if you want to see her. If you can't go LC then at the very least look into ways to stand up to him, call him out on his bully behaviour and teach your Ds to do the same. And tell Dh to stand up for you all if, on occasion, you find yourself stuck for words. Your father doesn't deserve to have you visit and spend time in his company.

@LukeEvansWife

Is ‘to mask’ a verb now?

I hope not ! It should always be "to wear a mask", its just laziness to try to turn it into a verb.

OP, if my family were making my son eat in a separate room and singling him out in that way I'd be ensuring they didn't catch Covid from him by not going there ever again. Treating a child with such disdain is appalling.

Children don't pass it on as much as adults so you may well be wrong about that.

I understood that was thought to be the case prior to Delta, but it was a game changer in that regard? In any event, what I meant was, if anyone has it in our household it is DD. I’ve seen two adults other than my husband in the past two weeks, he’s seen about the same.

[quote L0stinCyberspace]@MajorCarolDanvers no, they are just singling out DS fora mask!

They invited him for lunch b4 school started up, but then made him eat his meal in a separate room. They could have eaten outside as I bought them a sturdy garden set, but Father "didn't want to". [/quote]
I hope you left when they treated him like this?

I'm Irish and I feel sorry for your DS (and you too @L0stinCyberspace) because I think Irish women (and yes, this will be a sweeping generalisation here) have been so conditioned over the years (thanks to the almighty Catholic Church) to cowtow to their husbands and what they say goes.
Your mum didn't step in on behalf of either you her daughter or her grandson in taking her husband to task over what he was saying/doing.

I 100% agree with the others who have suggested that you don't visit as much in their house and if they ask why you're not visiting them as much, tell them.
Start enforcing those boundaries.

@L0stinCyberspace

My Father has form for being very controlling and bullying. DM never challenges him and is obedient to his every whim and demand.

When DS went for the meal we weren't there, as my parents said they "wanted to spend time with him b4 he went back to school" but DS was very hurt at being asked to eat separately from them. I raised it with DM but she was as delightfully vague as always. "Oh that's awful he feels that way..." "Hmm, I can't remember WHY your Father didn't want to each lunch outside..."

@TheGrumpyGoat we are all vaccinated, including DS.

@WeAllHaveWings because of the history of my DFs bullying towards me I suppose I didn't react in the most measured way, but I was horrified he was insisting DS was some kind of Typhoid Mary when he's out on trains buses and taxis.

My DH suggested "right, why don't we all sit outside so?" last night to my DF, but DF said furiously "because we're not going to".

That's the point we'd have left. I don't understand why they're singling him out? Because he's a teen at school?

That's weird bullying behaviour and even if my DS was happy to wear the mask I wouldn't be happy with him being treated that way!

If they're out and and about in the community they have no reason to insist your ds is no greater risk to them than anyone else.

I'm furious on your/his behalf and would be ceasing any visits at theirs.

Definitely a power play going on here can't believe people think this is about covid fear and his house/his rules that would only be the case if all visitors are asked to wear masks and he never went out.

The fact that isn't so shows he is a vile bully. Time to empower your son not to take it. Your father is a fool he's the one sabotaging his relationship with you and his grandson.

What a nasty cantankerous old bastard. He doesn't deserve to have a relationship with his grandchild. Don't let him bully you or your dc.

Keep your son away from this foul, irrational, bullying bastard.

My line on visiting June 2020 Ireland was that my paranoid in-laws were not going to treat my children as lesser than me (UK u12s so entered untested covered by mine and DH's double vaccines... we kept life very low risk for 10 days before and made low-risk travel arrangements by ferry). If my ILs were being funny about letting our pestilence-ridden-plague-spreaders indoors, then DH and I also refused to go indoors, so we all sucked up "sociallising" in 15⁰C downpours.

The irony is that because we'd isolated from indoor spaces, my children were "safer" than their vaccinated adult/ teenage cousins.

I will not tolerate my children being treated as outcasts based on their age.

@LukeEvansWife

Is ‘to mask’ a verb now?

Yes. It is and always has been.

For example, in medicine one set of symptoms might "mask" something else if a diagnosis is possibly open to question.

What about a masked ball? Those who go to the ball are "masked."

Now during the pandemic people have often been masked.

What pathetic point are you trying to make?

Yes. It is and always has been.

For example, in medicine one set of symptoms might "mask" something else if a diagnosis is possibly open to question.

What about a masked ball? Those who go to the ball are "masked."

Now during the pandemic people have often been masked.

What pathetic point are you trying to make?

Wow - ‘pathetic point’?

Of course I know it’s a verb in that context. But i only hear people say ‘wear a mask’ not ‘mask’ meaning to put one on.

Are you always this aggressive?