Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

I can accept the request on the basis that she wants to be organised and have control of people losing/forgetting passports. However, you are perfectly entitled to reply stating that you will be keeping your own passport with no need to give a reason. She can ask, but she can't expect the answer to be yes from everyone.

@billy1966

Kindly OP,

You are out of your mind going on this holiday and your partner sounds like he's gaslighting you about her.

She sounds like a PITA and there is no way I'd entertain her.

Your partner doesn't sound that great either.

I agree. There's no way in hell I'd be going. The control freak is already in full swing so she'll be a bloody nightmare when on holiday. No amount of grieving warrants her behaviour. You'll be made out to be the bad one if you dare stand up to her on holidays so I'd just back out now and let Dh off with them. If he's willing to put up with her shite then more fool him.

@Djifunrsn

I can accept the request on the basis that she wants to be organised and have control of people losing/forgetting passports. However, you are perfectly entitled to reply stating that you will be keeping your own passport with no need to give a reason. She can ask, but she can't expect the answer to be yes from everyone.

I agree with this and it’s where the tipping point is. She can ask, and you can say no. When she got heavy handed over the no, she revealed herself. As I said earlier, to a reasonable person this would be no big deal. Someone with an agenda will insist and insult.

And politely explain that in a foreign country every adult must have their own passport in their possession in case of accident or police encounter

This doesn't sound like a holiday it sounds like a week of pure stress which you are paying for.
I'd be half tempted to fake a positive lateral flow test the day before (I believe certain juices can bring up a line?) and by the time you've got the results back from the PCR they will have gone, leaving you a lovely relaxing week without any of them.

When you say no to someone and they can’t accept it, your next question should be ‘why are you trying to control me?’

I saw that on Oprah once.

Your DH should have a word with her. Tell her she needs to calm down as her anxiety about other people’s organisation is causing tension.

Nope, that will do nothing but "feed the beast"

I think OP has already said "no"? - which is a shame, as I suspect the best way to deal with this, & no doubt the other batshit demands that are coming, is to ignore as much of it as possible.

It would have been better to treat the passport demand as if OP hadn't even noticed it. SiL would probably keep on about it, at which point Grey Rock is the best way of skating past the issue -
"Oh, thanks for offering but that's not necessary thanks"

• no matter how tempting it would be to snark.

I'd recommend snarking if DP was on the same page, it could provide an endless source of amusement to fend off the irritations controlling people always cause. But he's obviously got his head in the sand & would rather wetly appease his sister & accuse OP of "over-reacting".

But he isn't on the same page, & I'd be far more worried about his attitude than his sister's control issues.

@ChargingBuck

Say you'll be looking after your own & DH passports

Eh?

@twoundertwo22 - You (rightly) this the SiL is batshit for wanting to hold another adult's passport, but assume it's OP's job to ... let me get this straight ... hold another adult's passport?

Ohh sorry I forgot we live in a world where I mustn't suggest couples can keep their belongings together. When we travel my DH & DC passports always end up with mine in my handbag. Guess we're not cool.. but I definitely wouldn't have my SIL look after my family's passports

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Don't go. You know it will be awful with her trying to boss everyone and your DP being their meat in the sandwich and the prize in the bossing contest. Will he meekly hand over his PP to his sister or will he/you keep it? She will have won if you keep yours and he hands his over. Even if you win the PP battle she will set daily challenges to prove her power and everyone else's submission and you'll end up having a miserable time especially if everyone else falls into line. Frankly, I'd tell her to fuck off but then I don't much care what people think of me.

Not that you'll care, but I think you're ace, Sparty.
I wouldn't bloody go either. It's not a holiday, it's a pissing contest.

Is she nosey? Is she checking your age?

You could say you’re find carrying your own passport but would find it really helpful if she carried a bin bag for trash for everyone.

I would just tell her that you don't want all the passports to be together, because if there's any accident or other problem, all of the passports could be lost at once, which would be a serious problem and might mean that the whole holiday had to be cancelled. If she presses you to give her your passport, then just say 'I may be crazy/ a control freak/ whatever, but it's my decision to keep it with me!' Actually, it's not a bad idea to be something of a control freak about one's own passport!

In the event of an emergency your passport is essential so needs to remain in your room or with you at all times anyway.

I am travelling this week and need to hold my own passport, as the local rules in the (EU) Country are that law enforcement officers can ask for Govt issued ID at any point and you will be fined if you can't produce it.

So make sure you check the rules for your destination on that.

Err no. Tell her you're a big girl now and laugh it off.

Is there someone (you?) That she doesn't want to go on holiday with, and when you all turn up at the airport she is going to announce that somehow she doesn't have their passport.

Drop the rope. Block her. Let DH and only DH deal with her from now on, regarding camping gear or anything else. Don't waste any more time on her.

Drop out the holiday whilst you're at it.

People who are anxious internally themselves subconsciously are triggered to act out by trying to control others and the external world but this of course doesn’t bring the anticipated relief (although they may have temporary emotional discharge) because it doesn’t deal with the real issue - the chaos / emotional dysregulation in their own head and just creates more issues by antagonising others.

Try not to get agitated as this is just absorbing her anxiety which is contagious.

Detach from her - say No clearly and calmly - repeat one more time and then don’t engage. Remove yourself physically and emotionally from her influence.

I would NEVER go on a holiday with someone like this - her anxiety and need to control will be amplified x100 in an uncertain environment.

If you do go don’t get provoked or drawn into her nonsense.

So does that mean that other people are happily handing over their passports to her?

Beyond weird

Step right back and watch the others simmer and struggle - don’t let yourself become the target of blame. She has no friends - that tells you all you need to know.

Why does she only want yours and no one elses.

If someone rubs you up the wrong way - keep detached and I find it helps me to have pity for their dysfunctional behaviour….

@DFOD that's actually a really good explanation of why BIL acts as he does when we go out for meals together. I've already said that we should simply avoid the situation next time.

Obviously its sad she's lost her mum. There is no discernible reason why she's decided to start acting like your Mum though! Does she suddenly see herself as the matriarch of the family.

Maybe she's got an evil plan and she's planning to strand you all there? Or she's going to take your luggage and turn you all into drugs mules?

No way would she get her mits on my passport.

OK so at least there is no family connection where you are going. I was having visions of you being abandoned abroad.

But it could be the alternative you're passport would be lost before you get to the airport.

I'm sorry but I can't see an innocent reason and "being organised" isn't good enough for her to hold yours or anyone else's passport.

Why does she need to be "organised" weeking in advance for a forgin holiday but camp trip which takes a lot more organising less than a week.

Stick to your guns. Her motive will become clear.

This is definitely "Never apologise: never explain" territory where "No" is a complete sentence.

Just "No," and if she fusses, "I'm carrying my own passport, thanks," is the most that needs saying. She can hardly wrench it from your hands!

If others pile in, like DH or BiL, begging you with their eyes to give in and keep the peace, just "You've heard what I said."

Passive resistance is key here. And if anyone dates to utter the words control or controlling, "I will control my own passport."

What if her bag was snatched - all the passports would be gone!

Better she learns you can't be controlled before she schedules every moment of your holiday for you!

I'm sure someone must have already said it, but surely the standard MN response of "No, that doesn't work for me" is what's required?

(In your shoes I'd also be seriously thinking about backing out but that's probably not worth the fallout).

As another poster said upthread, I hope where you're going has cheap wine. You're going to need it